Lack of care from adult daughter

[user1492387367]

I had a wisdom tooth out recently & as I am an anxious person was very stressed. It’s been two days since the extraction & no phone call to see if I’m feeling ok from my adult daughter. I am a pensioner and recently had breast cancer & have other health issues. Do you think this is an ok way to treat your mum .

@user1492387367 Hope you're feeling better. For those who say a wisdom tooth extraction isn't that serious ... I hope they don't get an impacted one which shatters during extraction or a dry root. Anyway. The more you do for your children the more they will probably see you as part of the furniture. OK maybe not that harsh. They think of you as a permanent fixture who is always there and who basically never goes wrong or needs fixing.

I'm not sure it matters what the other side of the story is. The OP is sad, she's come here for some support and she's not being unreasonable to expect her daughter to give a hoot about her.
This is the OP's thread, not the daughters.

I went to private school and my mother gives me the silent treatment and also blames me for the estrangement.

My point being, what has private school got to do with the relationship the dynamic??
My mother doesn't really see me as a 3d person and that is the basis of our estrangement.

1- love in a parent -child relationship is not a transactional thing. You having sent her to private school looked after her dcs etc… doesn’t mean that AUTOMATICALLY she has to do X and Y for you.
Ive done a lot for my dcs. I never did that on ten assumption they will look after me later on. I did because I love them and wanted to beat for them.

2- I agree about the fact that many people don’t see their parents as people with their struggles. That’s usually because parents have shielded their dcs for. Their struggles (which most parents will do) and the dcs don’t have any awareness of what going on or how bad it is. My parents are certainly like This.

3- I’d be interested to see what your dd is saying. Ime in such situation, there is often a big backstory. Your dd might have seen you looking after the dcs as her doing you a favour (you got to spend time with the dgc). Paying Uni fees isnt that uncommon and she certainly never asked to go to a private school.

worked to pay for private school & paid her uni fees.

how many times do you think this poor daughter has had this thrown in her face by the OP

OP, my advice to you is to order yourself some treats, chocolates, flowers, whatever you fancy. Enjoy yourself and do nice things for yourself if your daughter isn't going to step up and help you. In fact spend every penny of your money you can. Your daughter will then reap what she sows after your time when she no doubt will be first in the queue rubbing her hands together and hoping for a nice big bequest.

Tbh she’s be better off on gransnet

i popped over there once to have a nose

never again

relentless bile about how their daughters are failing them

I agreed it’s pretty normal , that the OP is sad.
It must be heartbreaking to see your dc and think they just dint care about you.

What is impossible to say to the OP is that it’s all her dd’s fault, she is somehow a ‘bad’ person and should make of an effort. Which seems to be what the OP is expecting People to say.

You sound like you and the Op would get on like a house of fire!

The first time I had chemo, I was 21 and married. My mother was still living in the same town as me in at the time.

I took myself there and back to every single appointment. No one offered to come with me, and I was too embarrassed by that to ask. Many times I'd be sat there, the youngest usually by at least 20 years, and the only one on my own. When I had all 4 wisdom teeth out under general anaesthetic at 19, my then boyfriend drove me to the hospital and back. My mother didn't offer to come then, either.

20 years later my mother went in for day surgery to have a pacemaker fitted. I didn't offer or go with her.

That is reaping what you sow.

@ttacticall but she might be being unreasonable. The daughter might not give a hoot about her because she's been a horrible mum. We don't know that, but we don't know either way. I'm sorry, as a daughter of an abusive parent, I will hold my sympathies until I have more information. Some people do not deserve sympathy, and just being a parent doesn't entitle anyone to anything from their children. Maybe I'm projecting, but anyone who is sympathetic is projecting their ideas of what a mum is like and how a child should treat them based on that. Not all will fit that bill.

My father deceased said that your children owe you nothing they pay forward to their own children if you raise them right.

Having said that my DIL's are lovely and would check in. I only had boys so it's a blessing they married because they're not as aware of family ties. To be fair this generation juggle work, home and children in a way I didn't have to.

If you haven’t learnt this yet op I would strongly advise to lower your expectations of other people in general to zero, then you will always be content in our low expectations worst case and happily surprised best case.
Both outcomes are good for your well being

What a depressing way to live

a dark and bleak way to live

order yourself some treats and chocolates

Thats the worst advice, the woman has just had a tooth removed lol.

@Ohthatsexciting I don't think it is, I think it's realistic, especially nowadays. Most people are too busy thinking about themselves, and the word 'family' is thrown around as an excuse for treating people poorly.

Knowing that you are best off relying purely on yourself is uplifting.

Sounds like you've had a rough few years OP. I hope you're feeling better soon.

It's hard to say whether your daughter is in the wrong here or not as there's not really a lot of info to go on. I'm just wondering if you have a partner/close friends that you also have to support you? The reason I ask is that my mum (until recently) had zero friends and no partner, my brother is completely disinterested in her or her life, and so I would get phone call after phone call of her offloading to me. Whilst that would be okay once in a while it gets too much that it all fell to me. If I have a problem I talk it through with one of my numerous friends or my sister, even my ex partner and rarely do I offload on her. It's not that I don't care, it's that I mentally cannot be her constant emotional support (I have been since childhood) it's draining and impacts my mental health. Just wondering if that could be the case here and because she's the only person close to you that you feel she needs to "step up" where friends or a partner usually would?

It's called having sympathy for someone who is not feeling too good at the moment. What would you suggest the OP does? I think buying herself some treats seems a fair solution if no one else can be fucked to do so.

You sound lonely. Do you have a partner ? Other kids? Other people around to keep you company or is it just your daughter?

I wouldn't bother to tell my mother about a tooth extraction unless in came up, such as if I was unable to do something else because I was at the dentist. And she would not tell me about her dental visits either.

You added an 'and' in. Don't be deliberately obtuse

I think you are unrealistic.

I don't think your daughter should be expected to call you for every little thing.

Even if you are an anxious person.

You need to manage your anxiety. She shouldn't be hostage to it.

I wasn’t referring to the treats

Perhaps re read your post. Dripping with venom

The duty of care is much higher towards the people you choose to bring into the world compared to those who brought us into the world, IMHO, but even with kids there can become a point where you have done all you can.

It would be great if we all gave our parents everything we possibly could, because we were all completely grateful for the perfect up bringing that we had. My parents were wonderful in many / most ways, but whenever I see a post like yours it reminds me of a few incidents from when I was a kid and traits they have. In less charitable times those things make me think that they were very shitty parents in some ways, and - at best - just people that on a fundamental level I have next to nothing in common with. This is exacerbated by how quickly the world is changing and how generation 10 years apart are completely different, let alone 30 / 40 years apart.