Lack of care from adult daughter

[user1492387367]

I had a wisdom tooth out recently & as I am an anxious person was very stressed. It’s been two days since the extraction & no phone call to see if I’m feeling ok from my adult daughter. I am a pensioner and recently had breast cancer & have other health issues. Do you think this is an ok way to treat your mum .

I think you should have called your daughter. Could have told her how it's gone.

Your perspective is based on your experience and life

i most certainly can rely on the support and love of my friends and family, and have done in the past, just as I have done and will do so for them.

very fair post

out of interest
if you have children - is this what you teach them?

I'd probably call to see how she was but i'm close to my parents and not everyone is. This again is something where the relationship is established from childhood into adulthood. If you don't have that kind of relationship then its very hard to establish it after many years. If you feel you need more support or would like to speak to her more often why not reach out to her and express how you feel?

It’s expectation that causes such a lot of stress in families ohthatsexciting

If your baseline expectation of others doesn’t match with those closest to you, you will feel constantly disappointed, hurt and angry. Your feelings of being let down/abandoned and rejected will eventually erode the relationship in a very negative way.

if you are responsible for yourself, you don’t have expectations of others then you don’t place pressure on the relationship, and others are free to do as much or as little as they are able and wish to do. Good will and gratitude stays intact. It does not descend into resentment, incriminations and bitterness.

it is a light and lovely way to live, not in the least bit bleak or dark. People keep their own free will and choices - and no one is manipulated/manipulating.

Presumably based on being let down multiple times and so guarding yourself against happening again. I find that depressing.

whereas I don’t have,,, well any experience of being let down by family or close friends when I’ve needed them and vice versa… hence i find your stance a very depressing way to live because it is the result of being let down by those close to you

I teach my children to give others as much as they want to/have energy for and have capacity for - boundaries in a word. You do things for the right reason not because you are being forced/cajoled/manipulated. It’s healthy.

Do you have children @Provenceinthesummer ?

This.

Jesus wept - why are people so mean?
I'd certainly have checked on my mother and might very well have called in to see how things were.

If the op was such a bad mother, why did the daughter use her for childcare when the grandchildren were small?

It's a hard one. I don't have an easy relationship with my Mum - to be honest I would have phoned as it'd be another thing on the list to have ago at me about. I'm not saying you're the same, OP, but my Mum is all about herself. The whole conversation is about her troubles, who has upset her - she has no idea about half of what goes on in my life (we haven't even told her her GD nearly killed herself a few weeks ago) and sometimes I just need to switch off or time to sort my own problems out. I will admit she's on her own, so things can't be easy, but there's a limit to how much I can deal with myself. Having said all this, I do care.

You've obviously been through a lot yourself.

My original post was in response to the torrent of vitriol the poor OP has been subjected to. All the talk of people reaping what they sow works both ways

Such cruel replies when a person is already feeling low. Why is everyone automatically siding with the daughter? People asked for a backstory and she gave some of her side of it but that’s not good enough and parents are automatically the default guilty party.

I can’t see a single single other post quite so venomous as yours

Assuming the daughter will be rubbing her hands in glee at the inheritance once the Op has died. Talk about seeing the dark side

It’s not to guard against being let down, for me, it’s about not placing huge burdens on my children. I don’t want them to feel pressurised by me or forever trying to meet some bar of expectation I have set. That’s very unfair.

if they don’t call after a tooth extraction it’s probably because they are busy/have other worries or plain forgot and that is life! It’s very busy and people don’t have endless energy to remember every little thing.

i wonder if your family see it the way you do ohthats if they are never allowed to ‘let yon down ‘ that sounds very onerous indeed!! You sound demanding and full of expectation. I’d love to hear their side of the story. Are they frightened of your reaction maybe? We are very close family my dc love me with very much. I don’t need duty phone calls to know that 🤷🏼‍♀️

I’m from a culture where it is openly said that people should look after their parents. I would like to try and do this (they don’t really need me to do this yet) - I get on with them and they help me with childcare. They have been out of the workplace for a while though, so sometimes don’t understand the pressures me and siblings are under - so sometimes their expectations are a bit high. Doing things for people is a form of love - in my culture we do things more than say things (I guess it is the love languages). OP - I guess maybe say to your daughter that you are feeling a bit lonely (not all the time, just mention it once) - she might not realise how you are feeling.

You can see the battle axes on here as clear as day puffed up with indignation with echoes of ‘after ALL I have done for you!’
and the age old response ‘ I didn’t ask to be born’ /privately educated/etc’

you would think progress would demand that we would move on a little at some point wouldn’t you!

gransnet is that way op >>>>>> more suitable crowd

I’m not sure why so many posters feel the need to post hurtful comments when it is clear that the OP is feeling very sad.

I think your daughter sounds self-absorbed and inconsiderate. She would not be alone (as you can see from the responses in here many people simply do not care about their family)

It sounds to me as though you did your best to give your daughter advantages, well done. It’s not at all easy.

Honestly I think that even with the best will in the world that our children can grow up to become very selfish and it hurts.

You are allowed to feel hurt, you are allowed to wish that the relationship was closer.

Wisdom teeth extractions can be incredibly painful, I hope you start to feel better soon. Has your daughter had her wisdom teeth out? If not she may imagine it’s insignificant.

With regard to your cancer, that sounds very difficult. You are facing your mortality and life is going on around you. That is a lovely place to be.

Are you a single parent?

*lonely

I have every intention of being a battle axe when I grow up, I have no intention of making my kid feel responsible for my feelings.

But is that the approach you have showed and taught your children?

don’t rely on anyone. Have low expectations.

I lov e the fact you have said that my friends and family are “never allowed” to let me down and vice versa.

No where did I even hint that.

But certainly - I have never let downs family or close friend in need, and neither have they to me

I always lose sympathy at the point where the mum reels off all the sacrifices she has made
for her children (eg working to send them
to private school etc). As beneficial as that may have been for your DD, these were your choices and she doesn’t owe you anything. I honestly hate the “look what I did for you my whole life and this is what I get back” - it’s so unpleasant. I would look to other areas of your relationship to work out why she’s not giving you the attention you want - or perhaps you’re just expecting too much?