Page 10 | Lack of care from adult daughter

user1492387367 · 2022-07-01T11:41:33+00:00

I had a wisdom tooth out recently & as I am an anxious person was very stressed. It’s been two days since the extraction & no phone call to see if I’m feeling ok from my adult daughter. I am a pensioner and recently had breast cancer & have other health issues. Do you think this is an ok way to treat your mum .

Blueberry111 · 01/07/2022 21:41

SteamingHind · 01/07/2022 16:21

It's completely ungrateful for her to ask you to conceive her and parent her then not pay you back.

Whoops, no it's not. You decided to have a child. She had no choice in the matter. Completely unreasonable to expect pay back for your (admittedly good) parenting when it was your decision to have a child.

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Wow, you must be a delight to have as a daughter 😒

OompaLoompaa · 01/07/2022 21:45

OP how about buying one of the new phones out that as well as receiving calls have the option to make calls?

Eatingchips · 01/07/2022 21:51

WhiteHydrangeas · 01/07/2022 18:59

MN is such a weird place. You get all these threads where posters claim to be crying over a complete stranger’s story and are falling over themselves to offer financial help, free stuff and other kinds of support (even though many of those threads absolutely scream fake or scam). But when it comes to doing anything at all for their own mother or - OMG, the horror - their MIL, it’s a very different story. For some reason, threads about elderly parents / PILs asking for even just very basic support or semi-regular phone calls often attract a pretty unpleasant crowd. Lots of people who seem to detest their mothers (who were of course all narcissists) and would apparently prefer to never see or hear from them again. It’s quite depressing, really.

OP, I’m really sorry you’re feeling rough and lonely. During the last 1.5 years, my own mum went through six months of chemo (also breast cancer) and a (fairly complicated) wisdom tooth extraction, so your story feels close to home.

During the cancer treatment, I drove mum to all her chemo sessions (weekly during the last three months), accompanied her to most doctor's appointments (I’m not in the UK - we were able to do this despite Covid), researched all her treatments and how to ease side-effects, prepared lots of nice meals and treats, did a fair amount of gardening, cleaning, dog-walking and life admin, made sure she always had fresh flowers and nice movies to watch and called her at least once a day. Took care of my step-dad when mum had her OP, went to see her in hospital every day, picked her up from the dental surgeon when she had her wisdon teeth out. We’re very close and I was utterly devastated when mum got her diagnosis. Not doing everything I could to support her seemed unthinkable to me, so I really feel for you.

Mum says several of her friends commented that their own children had been much less supportive in similar situations and how lucky she was. One of these friends does a ridiculous amount of childcare to support her daughter’s career, involving a 3 hour round trip several times a week. From what I can tell she is genuinely lovely, very warm and incredibly supportive of both her children, but apparently neither of them particularly cared when she went through years of extremely grueling cancer treatment. I’m not convinced the fault always lies with the parent or that there must be some sort of huge backstory. Some people just seem to lack empathy somewhat and are quite selfish by nature. It also seems to be cultural shift in Western societies. The way we treat our sick and elderly as a society is shameful and at a family level, in many cases things don't look much better either.

Only you know if there’s more to the story with your daughter, but if you’re generally close, I completely understand why you feel unloved and disappointed. If your daughter’s recent lack of care is out of character for her, do pick up the phone, find out if there’s anything difficult going on in her life, try to make some nice plans together and have a proper talk at some point. I hope things improve for you, you’ve been through a pretty tough time and anyone would feel a bit fragile after that.

You sound absolutely lovely WhiteHydrangeas. Your mother is a very lucky lady.

SaltySalad · 01/07/2022 22:01

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 01/07/2022 16:52

OP doesn't say her tooth is still bothering her. She says she's bothered that her DD has not contacted her. Doesn't mean it's not bothering her of course but I think you are assuming that.

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I think you are assuming it was straightforward 🤷‍♀️

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 01/07/2022 22:03

SaltySalad · 01/07/2022 22:01

I think you are assuming it was straightforward 🤷‍♀️

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No. I'm being open minded rather than jumping to conclusions.

SaltySalad · 01/07/2022 22:05

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 01/07/2022 22:03

No. I'm being open minded rather than jumping to conclusions.

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No you are exactly jumping to the conclusion that your experience is everyone’s experience. Very ignorant.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 01/07/2022 22:07

Exactly this!!! I couldn't agree more! It is seen more in the Western society I must say. It's quite appalling. Our parents cared for us when we were vulnerable, we owe them the same when it's their turn to be vulnerable.
My dad let me be sexually abused and refused to help when asked. He then abandoned us with a violent traumatised mother. Bit of an assumption to say that our parents cared for us when we were vulnerable.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 01/07/2022 22:09

SaltySalad · 01/07/2022 22:05

No you are exactly jumping to the conclusion that your experience is everyone’s experience. Very ignorant.

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Don't be silly. I said I had one easy extraction and one major one. So which experience are you saying I assuming it is like? OPs could have been either.

Nanny0gg · 01/07/2022 23:11

KittyKittyKat · 01/07/2022 20:37

It is just a tooth extraction. I don’t think I’d be messaging or fussing around someone after a dental procedure.

My MIL thinks she does “everything she can to support us”. The truth is she does fuck all and never has. She’s also really hard work to be around and complains endlessly. We don’t engage with her much.

It does sound like you have been more hands on with your daughter. In any case, tell her you’re upset not to hear from her. She may have been busy or not have thought twice about your tooth.

'Just' a tooth extraction would traumatise me, let alone a wisdom tooth out.

Don't belittle people because they feel things differently to you.

WhiteHydrangeas · 02/07/2022 10:04

Enmeshed but oblivious

No, ThisisMax, not enmeshed at all. I spent a year in the US at 16 without my parents, moved out at 18, lived abroad in three diffenrent countries for several years in my twenties (in my thirties now) and see my mum about twice a month (longish drive) in normal times. Yes, I call her most days, but that's because we have a lot in common, she's my best friend and I actually enjoy talking to her. She just happens to be the most wonderful mother anyone could have wished for, I love her to bits and doing what I could to support her seemed the only natural response and also helped me cope with the situation. Is it so hard to imagine some people actually want to care for their nearest and dearest when times get rough? Also completely agree with Blueberry111

Our parents cared for us when we were vulnerable, we owe them the same when it's their turn to be vulnerable.

My DH has a very strained relationship with his mother (she told her children how much she regretted motherhood and that they ruined her career, among other things) and even he showed more interest than OP's daughter when his mum went through cancer treatment. It’s called being a decent human being. Frankly, I’d run a mile from anyone who can’t be bothered to step up when their own mother is dealing with a potentially terminal illness (unless there is a massive backstory, of course). Really not the kind of person I’d want to grow old or even just be friends with.

I'm always amazed at the lack of care for loved ones I see on quite a few threads on here. Many posters seem to be helicopter parents on speed when it comes to their children, but as soon as an adult could use some support, it’s a very different story.
No qualms about putting elderly family members into horrible nursing homes (and then see them about twice a year). Being 'too busy' to visit loved ones in hospital (most people could make time if they really wanted to). Refusing to ‚wait hand and foot‘ on your ill or stressed partner (when all they asked for is a up of tea) because they're an adult, can take care of themselves and all chores need to be split evenly at all times. Feeling put upon because your lonely elderly parents or PILs expect the occasional phone call or would sometimes like to see their grandchildren. Even small asks are apparently a massive chore. It just seems like such a sad and strange outlook on life. If you love (or even just quite like) someone, isn’t it nice to do things for them, lighten their load a bit and put a smile on their face, even if the chore itself isn’t enjoyable?!

You sound absolutely lovely WhiteHydrangeas. Your mother is a very lucky lady.

Thank you, EatingChips, that’s really nice of you to say, although, to be honest, I’m the lucky one. My mum has been the most supportive, generous and warm (single) parent and anything I can do for her now is just small fry in comparison to everything she’s done for me.

shiningstar2 · 02/07/2022 10:14

There have been so many unsympathetic replies reminding the op that she could have rang her daughter but I think when we are suffering a bit a text or phone call enquiring about us is a little bit of tlc which the op was hoping for. Nothing wrong in that. We all feel a bit like we could do with a bit of fuss from time to time and a text only takes seconds. No need to interfere with daughter's busy day. Just would have made the op feel that her daughter had been thinking of her, that she wasn't entirely out of her daughter's mind. Some people, especially older generation find dentist visits traumatising. Plenty people will ring to enquire after a friend when they have quite mild illnesses why shouldn't a mother expect similar consideration? Is there a tendancy to feel that when it comes to mother's they are there to support us rather than the other way round, especially in Western society?

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 02/07/2022 10:28

People saying just a tooth extraction obvs never had a bad experience!
I would 100% be checking in on my mum if this was us.

TarpaulinEyes · 02/07/2022 13:25

The OP mentioned having had treatment for cancer which must have been awful. After such an experience something that many would feel was no big deal such as a tooth extraction can feel insurmountable and the final straw.

FWIW OP I read your post about your DD and all your help regarding education, university and looking after her children whilst she went out to work and built up a career for herself. What shone through to me was your obvious pride in her achievements and someone who loves and wants to help their child.

Many of the posters on MN have not had the benefit of a private education, been helped financially through University and their parents either can't or don't want to help them with childcare. They are weighed down by the chips they carry on their shoulders regarding this and are jealous of those they perceive as more fortunate than them.

I suspect you won't return to this thread and I hope you haven't been reading some of the comments. I hope your DD has now got in touch and at this moment is sitting with you having made you a cup of tea and given you the hug you deserve.

rookiemere · 02/07/2022 13:26

shiningstar2 · 02/07/2022 10:14

There have been so many unsympathetic replies reminding the op that she could have rang her daughter but I think when we are suffering a bit a text or phone call enquiring about us is a little bit of tlc which the op was hoping for. Nothing wrong in that. We all feel a bit like we could do with a bit of fuss from time to time and a text only takes seconds. No need to interfere with daughter's busy day. Just would have made the op feel that her daughter had been thinking of her, that she wasn't entirely out of her daughter's mind. Some people, especially older generation find dentist visits traumatising. Plenty people will ring to enquire after a friend when they have quite mild illnesses why shouldn't a mother expect similar consideration? Is there a tendancy to feel that when it comes to mother's they are there to support us rather than the other way round, especially in Western society?

I think you're extrapolating a bit there.

The DD was there when her DM was having chemo - she took her to every single appointment. Maybe she didn't register the tooth extraction as a big event.

My DM doesn't understand text etiquette so if I ever text her she invariably phoned me back and starts talking without asking if I'm free to talk . Therefore I only text her if I'm free.

We also don't know what age the OP is. She could be 80 in which case fair enough and I would call in those circumstances or she could be 65, in which case we'll all likely still be working at that age.

Joe2022 · 02/07/2022 18:01

Ohthatsexciting · 01/07/2022 14:50

I wasn’t referring to the treats

Perhaps re read your post. Dripping with venom

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Yet another post with you vile anger.This poster is all over mumsnet insulting people.

Springflower866 · 02/07/2022 20:38

I would say it depends on the rest of your relationship. I have been raised by an alcoholic and narcissistic mother who has never shown me love and care. So to be honest, I do not enquire about her life despite her regularly guilt tripping me to do so.

Springflower866 · 02/07/2022 20:42

I have just seen the post above about the help OP has given to her daughter so my question clearly does not relate to this situation.

FeelingwearyFeeelingsmall · 06/07/2022 20:19

@Blueberry111 You were very lucky to have parents that cared for you when you were young and vulnerable. Not everyone is that fortunate. For a lot of youngsters their parents are very much part of the problem not part of the solution.

feistymumma · 07/07/2022 18:31

Mally100 · 01/07/2022 13:21

I'm very at posts like these. Children do not turn out to be so cold for no good reason. There is most certainly one side being painted here, the very tone of what you have done for her is telling. What does paying for private school have to do with anything - you outed yourself there!!

Me too, I am one of those daughters who do minimal for my mother because she was emotionally unavailable when I was growing up and really mean as well. We have no bond whatsoever and while I do empathise etc I cannot force feelings I don't have. Even now she is emotionally available and always full of snide remarks so I don't really like her very much.

Thistlelass · 08/07/2022 04:48

As a mum I would undoubtedly check on any of my adult çhildren if they should need to have a wisdom tooth removed. Anything around their health that I was made aware of would be on my radar. I am now 65 and living alone. All my family are extremely busy. Usually too busy for my nonsense! Ah but they will experience this one day.

Mary46 · 08/07/2022 12:47

Yes supportive but hate listening to moaning and negativity. But they wont change at 80!!

layladomino · 08/07/2022 14:13

I hope you never mention to your daughter that you worked to pay for her school fees and uni fees. You chose to do that. She doesn't 'owe' you anything in return. I'm grateful for all my parents have done for me, but they don't expect anything in return. My DC are grateful for what I've done for them, but they know I don't expect them to pay it back in some way.

It is sad for you if your daughter doesn't care. That said, she took you to every chemo appointment for 3 months, which will have been a big deal logistically if she works. That doesn't sound like someone who doesn't care.

But if you feel uncared for by her, why not talk about it? You could build a better relationship from here. In itself a tooth extraction isn't a huge deal but if she routinely doesn't seem to be interested in you then I can see why that would hurt.

But she might have other stuff going on herself, things she hasn't burdened you with.