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Original poster

Lack of care from adult daughter

247 replies

user1492387367 · 01/07/2022 12:41

I had a wisdom tooth out recently & as I am an anxious person was very stressed. It’s been two days since the extraction & no phone call to see if I’m feeling ok from my adult daughter. I am a pensioner and recently had breast cancer & have other health issues. Do you think this is an ok way to treat your mum .

OP posts:
Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 01/07/2022 12:43

It’s just a wisdom tooth. Surely if you needed anything you could have contacted her? What does she have going on in her life?

Runningnewbie · 01/07/2022 12:43

She’s probably just getting on with her own life

Lalosalamanca · 01/07/2022 12:44

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Parky04 · 01/07/2022 12:44

I wouldn't have contacted my mum if she only had a tooth extraction. More importantly, what was she like with your cancer?

jojogoesbust · 01/07/2022 12:45

I feel a massive backstory here.

Justcallmebebes · 01/07/2022 12:45

How supportive was she with regard to your cancer and other health issues? Maybe in comparison she doesn't feel she needs to give the same level of support.

Lalosalamanca · 01/07/2022 12:46

Reap *

Overthebow · 01/07/2022 12:46

It’s just a tooth extraction. No I wouldn’t have called my mum specifically for that. I would probably ask how it went in one of my usual catch up calls.

RatherBeRiding · 01/07/2022 12:47

Well how is the rest of your relationship generally? TBH I'd not expect my adult daughter to have a tooth extraction on her radar so it wouldn't bother me. I would probably send her a text to say I'd had the tooth out and it all went well rather than waiting for her to contact me, or else if I was still feeling grotty I would probably text her to tell her, but that's the kind of relationship we have - we message a lot.

NCforgoodreason · 01/07/2022 12:47

It's one tooth extractions, it's not like you had twenty out in one go. I think you're being a bit over dramatic if you think that's a big thing.

What was she like when you had cancer?

AnnandJane · 01/07/2022 12:47

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Yodaisawally · 01/07/2022 12:47

I'd drop my mum a message but it's a tooth extraction, not major surgery unless you four out under GA.

What's the back story?

Misstes · 01/07/2022 12:48

Its just a tooth removal nothing serious, was she there for you when you had cancer?

Sparkletastic · 01/07/2022 12:50

Maybe it's lack of care. Or maybe she's really busy. Or maybe your anxiety makes you a bit demanding. Or maybe she plans to ring you tonight.

BurningBright7 · 01/07/2022 12:52

I do feel for you; it can disappoint when our children don’t meet up to our expectations. I personally do feel we have a duty of care for our family. However not everyone feels like I do, in your case, I would call and find out if she is ok, if things are alright for her, this will tell you why she might not have called or just to lower your expectations and avoid a sore heart.

Mally100 · 01/07/2022 12:53

I would have asked at the next time I spoke to my mum, not a call especially for that. It's a tooth extraction so she's probably just assuming you will get on with it.

Tyrtle · 01/07/2022 12:53

How often does she normally call you? I would ask my mum about it when I next called her, but I wouldn’t specifically call early for a tooth extraction.

Whitehorsegirl · 01/07/2022 12:56

Your daughter is probably simply getting on with her own life and problems...

A tooth extraction is hardly major surgery. Have you tried to deal with your ''anxiety'' if you get overwhelmed by fear/emotions/feelings? maybe speak to a counsellor to help you.

The reality is you cannot force someone to care about and for you, even if you happen to be related to them.

It could be that your daughter is not as close to you as you wish, it could be that there are good reasons for that. Your last sentence makes me think there is more to your story. You should not try to guilt trip people into caring for you, all that achieves is drive them further away.

stayingpositiveifpossible · 01/07/2022 12:57

Dont' know about the backstory but sometimes in particular young adults don't realise how potentially difficult something is unless they see it.

And wisdom tooth extraction quite a big thing actually, you have probably also waited a long time. I think people underestimate recovery time.

Can you change your expectations and put other things in place to support you? Work on your support network? I know its hard. Hope you have a good recovery.

Hbh17 · 01/07/2022 12:57

I think it's fine, and probably wouldn't have mentioned it to my adult child in the first place.

shiningstar2 · 01/07/2022 12:57

It is not an ok way to treat your mum op but there are so many pressures on young people these days it might have been put on the back burner. My DH and I both have covid and are not very well with it. I WhatsApped DD to tell her a couple of mornings ago. She was at work but sent a short sympathetic reply. I was sure she would phone or at least WhatsApp that night and I was a bit hurt when there was nothing before I went to bed. I sent a short WhatsApp just saying off to bed with a sad face. Next morning she was full of apologies. Had a couple of dramas going on with her teen kids at the time and she'd left it too late. I didn't brush it off. Was friendly but completely honest about how long a short text would have taken and how much better we would have felt to receive it. Not passive aggressive, not huffy. Just straight forward then end of. We are very close. All fine. Apologetic. Has texted from work today offering to bring shopping in. Have accepted offer and she will drop off at door tonight. Both perfectly happy.
Don't know what your relationship is with DD op. Maybe you could calmly tell her how hurtful this is to you? If your relationship is good she will want to avoid it happening again . We all mess up sometimes and maybe she had some sort of domestic crisis on her hands. So sorry you have been so ill with cancer and now this wisdom tooth. 💐

Toddlerteaplease · 01/07/2022 12:58

I'd have texted to check you were ok and if you were left it at that.

Original poster
user1492387367 · 01/07/2022 12:59

She’s on holiday and relaxing at home. Very minimal involvement during my years cancer treatment. Dropped me off & picked me up at the hospital for the chemo every 3 weeks for 3 months approx 15 minute drive from her home. For the radiation & other treatments I made my own way there. Never came to see me & check I was ok not even made me a cup of tea help with shopping ( I was extremely nausea us for 3 months ).
I worked to pay for private school & paid her uni fees. Looked after her children to save on child care fees, during holidays , babysitting to allow her & husband to go out at night. Have supported her to allow her to be successful in her job and helped so much with her children.
I just feel she really doesn’t care about my welfare & it’s very sad.

OP posts:
Tyrtle · 01/07/2022 13:01

Do you wait for her to call or do you call her too? Are your conversations equal or do you want to talk to her so you can talk about you?

Phone calls can be quite demanding, especially if you’re talking to someone with anxiety. Could you try to message more instead? If you have WhatsApp you could send little, happy (non demanding) messages and photos to her when you think of her. You might feel happier with those rather than waiting on a phone call.

shiningstar2 · 01/07/2022 13:01

When I say not ok to treat your mum this way I was thinking more about you having cancer than the tooth extraction as with minor things ( like our covid) their own life issues do get first priority.