Lack of care from adult daughter

[user1492387367]

I had a wisdom tooth out recently & as I am an anxious person was very stressed. It’s been two days since the extraction & no phone call to see if I’m feeling ok from my adult daughter. I am a pensioner and recently had breast cancer & have other health issues. Do you think this is an ok way to treat your mum .

Are you lonely OP? Why are you relying on your daughter who is busy with children to call you about a wisdom tooth extraction? Do you not have friends that are also retired and have a little more time on their hands to make a fuss over you?

I am super close to my mum so it would be unthinkable for either of us not to call to see how the other was doing if something like this took place - but then we talk on the phone at least once a day anyway. How is your relationship generally? How often do you normally hear from your daughter? I think given your other health issues you are not being unreasonable to feel hurt.

Its just a dental appointment. She was there for every single one of your chemo appointments - it's not fair to call that minimal.

Does she work and do you have other children and a partner?

I think it sounds mean even if you hadn’t given her so much help. I was always in touch with my Mum and taking her to hospital appointments. My brothers and I were always in touch when she and my Dad didn’t need anything.

None of us know the entire story, but your daughter doesn't owe you a close relationship. It may not be what you want to hear, but it's true. I'm sorry you don't feel like she's paying you enough attention, but these things go both ways.

Firstly OP sorry to hear you’ve had cancer. Whilst you mention some great things that you have done for your daughter (more than my mum has ever done for me), those are your choices. Do you keep reminding her of what you’ve provided.

Like others have said this is very one sided, if you are genuinely baffled by your daughter’s behaviour, have you looked at how you really treat her? Are you there emotionally for her, or do you just like be seen to be supporting her e.g the provision of private school and child care?
Our children don’t owe us anything.

Spoiling a child is not the same as being an emotionally unavailable mother. In fact most of the time spoiling children is to make up for the fact that parents aren’t emotionally available to their children so buy them things to compensate. Not being emotionally available to children means that children don’t develop healthy narcissism i.e. healthy self esteem, empathy, compassion, emotional regulation, self reliance etc and so are essentially underdeveloped in some areas of their personality. That is where unhealthy narcissism comes from. It is just really extreme emotional immaturity and defence mechanisms to protect the ego.

I’d WhatsApp my Mum- we don’t speak on the phone that often.

I think you need to speak to her, about how she is. How was your relationship before you were unwell? It does sound like there might be something else going on for her, although not necessarily- my sibling was rubbish when our DM had cancer, and they’d openly admit that she’s a great Mum.

Do you keep contact with your daughter?

Do you call her to see how her and the children are and suggest regular meets?

My mum doesn't and to be fair it's wearing doing all the planning and contact. Especially when I'm busy.

Some harsh words on here. People are allowed to be hurt & emotional anymore? It’s human nature!

maybe the op just wants a bit of kindness & moral support after a tough time of cancer treatment. Maybe it’s not about the tooth extraction & she just wants a bit of empathy & to know her DD is thinking of her!

’you reap what you sow’ is just nasty.

How recent was the tooth extraction? Has she been in touch at all? I can't imagine not being in touch with my mum - I would have expected a Whatsapp from her letting me know it went okay afterwards and I would have responded, but I probably wouldn't have called her. I would wait for her to arrange a FaceTime afterwards when she was feeling up to it.

It sounds thoughtless of her but she might, genuinely, not realized how unpleasant it is. Why don't you give her a call and tell her you are feeling a bit fed up. Don't moan at her or guilt trip her! That won't work.
Ultimately it is your choice to help your daughter with her kids etc. You would thought she would be more considerate in return but a lot of people are quite self absorbed. A lot of posters on Mumsnet think they are owed babysitting and childcare by their parents. You see posts about it quite often.

Do you have a partner?

The 'you reap what you sow' posts are really nasty. It really really doesn't work like that.

All of this. All of it.

You're scorekeeping. I'd be interested in hearing her side of the story.

OP tell us how you were with her when she was younger.
Is she maybe 're-paying' you?

How was she with you during your breast cancer issues?
If she was there for you during that period then stop moaning about a tooth.

You have reminded me of an old lady that used to live near me, no idea what happened to her, just disappeared.
She was very tall, fit and active with two large dogs, in her 80's.
She used to talk with my partner.

I spoke to her once.
During that chat she told me how her daughter plays a very unique Japanese instrument and is quite accomplished etc (can't remember the name of the instrument).
Anyway, then she told me that her daughter hadn't contacted her in years.
I never spoke to her again.
Children don't abandon their parents for no reason, her daughter didn't seem like a loser so, the only logical conclusion was she was not a good parent. Not that I know this for certain, just my gut feeling.

However, every other person I have met whose children don't bother with them, I've eventually got to know them enough to understand why.

Well you could reframe it as she took you to every chemo appointment for the full 3 months?

This - around work, children and other obligations that's not always straight forward.

So she must on some level care.

You can have expectations. She doesn't have to live up to them.
The best thing is not to expect anything from her, but to find joy in every contact you have, without testing it against any arbitrary standard you've set.

What a nasty thing to say. I've met lots of lovely selfless parents who have a kid that grows up to be entirely self-centred. And the other way around.

If your daughter isn't contacting you I am sure she has her reasons. We are only getting one side of the story here.

I worked as a psychotherapist and about half my practice was teenagers and young adults. I met so many troubled young people whose parents used 'I worked and sacrificed to send you to private schools' as a stick to beat them with. If you've been banging on about this to your daughter for years I'm not surprised she doesn't want to contact you.

My own mum was a vicious bully, both verbally and physically abusive. She didn't earn enough to send us to private schools but we still got a lot of 'what I've given up for you' guilt tripping.

IMO a lot of parents don't send D.C. to private schools for the kids - they do it to bolster their own self image. And my mum didn't give up anything for us, she made the life choices that suited her at the time and then blamed us when they didn't work out the way she hoped.

my mum is in her 80s now. I live near her and help her and support her as much as I can but it's not out of love but fear, obligation and guilt. My sister sees her maybe once a year. My brother hasn't seen her or spoken to her for decades and I doubt he'd cross the road to piss on her if she was on fire. I don't blame him - she gave us a miserable childhood and is reaping what she sowed.

I would expect her to call you after a tooth extraction. I ring my mum if she has had something done. Or I at least send a message.

I don't think taking you to appointments during chemo is minimal. And making your own way - lots of people do if their partners/family members work and can't get time off work for all the appointments. A friend of mine is a teacher and her partner has been cycling to the hospital for his radiotherapy appointments!

And you can't compare what you did for her with what she does for you. You are her mother. You chose to have her, and you chose to pay for private school fees blah blah. You do it because you love your child, not because you expect payback.

In any event, childhood lasts 18 years which is a much shorter period than some people expect their kids to look after them!

I also agree - ring your daughter. Don't always expect her to call you. it can be really wearing when a parent never calls you, but gets narked if you don't call them (I had it with my father - always had to call him, he never called me even though he could).

You reep what you sow

It's reap, not reep. If you're going to be nasty.

This.

She did take the OP to hospital appointments.

i really don't feel comfortable about how the OP is framing things here, there's clearly WAY more backstory there which she's not telling us about because it wouldn't paint her in a sympathetic manner.

you belittle her support during chemo (driving you there and back every 3 weeks for months while she works and has children is not suggesting minimal involvement).

and when posters have asked about your actual relationship, you tally off a list of things you've done for her (and we've no idea if she even wanted them). private school etc was literally when she was a child!

There's nothing in your posts about emotional support, what's going on in her life, what other demands she has on her time with HER own family, or the actual BOND between mother and daughter.

you just wanted us to nod along and say she's being terrible.

well, i'm not.

because you sound score-keeping, emotionally manipulative and that's only with the 5% of stuff relevant here that you are disclosing.

i'm in camp daughter for this one.

A telephone is a two way contraption.

Have you called her to say that you don't feel great after the extraction. A tooth procedure wouldn't really register as a thing that needs to be checked up on

And I also think that you perhaps don't appreciate what she does do. Taking you to the hospital, every three weeks, whilst holding down a job is a massive undertaking.

I would call my mum in this situation. I would also attend all hospital visits if able to (work permitting) but we are very close.

I guess with work and young kids, she is very busy but she could have phoned.