New boyfriend forgot my birthday?

[hotnakedgelato]

I've been dating a man for almost 4 months. We have seemingly been crazy for each other (while not moving that quickly) and have a mutual understanding that we are moving into a serious LTR.

My birthday is in less than two weeks. He asked a few weeks ago what my birthday preference is and I said acknowledgement and to be taken out for dinner.

It's been crickets since then, until yesterday I finally pointed out that he hasn't asked if/when I am free. He said thanks for reminding him, he forgot

Interested in views on this

Did he not just assume he was taking you out on your birthday?

@Hbh17 he asked me! I actually wasn't planning to tell him when my birthday is (probably because I wanted to avoid disappointment), but he asked when it is and what I like to happen on my birthday. Given that, I did hope he might put in some effort to do the only thing I care about.

You’re being ridiculous. Poor guy.

it’s almost two weeks to your birthday, and he has something booked and organised.

I don’t know how much more you expect of him?

@UpendedPineapple no, it appears he had a date and restaurant in mind but he just hadn't taken any action. I think it's all fine and I just need to get over my disappointment.

A total non issue. It really is. Three months into a relationship with someone with a child, he's really not yet able to be in the mindset of a parent, and being able to instinctively recognise that you need things planned way ahead.
When he said he forgot, it's unlikely that he forgot your actual birthday. He just forgot about needing to book way in advance.

Those of us without kids or with adult kids are used to booking at much shorter notice.
When you say that this is the best you'll get, I disagree. He will learn over time, to factor in your restrictions and responsibilities as a parent. Give him time to adapt and stop catastrophising.

I agree with PP that it sounds like you're self sabotaging and perhaps because you expect people to be arseholes, you're looking for signs that aren't actually there.

You can't expect someone who isn't a parent to think like a parent. Heck even as a parent, you still can't know how other people do things. Have you told him how much notice you need?

Jeez you sound like hard work
He didn't forget you reminded him
I suggest you grow up and stop playing games because most adults would have dumped you weeks ago

I think the fact he asked you when your birthday was and what you’d like to happen on that day is a good sign.
Look at other areas of life too. Does he do his share of household tasks? Is he kind and respectful to you and others? Is he good natured/ not sulky and controlling. Is he funny?
If he’s generally a solid decent person, that’s the main thing.

@stepuporshutup that's really unnecessary and unfair. You have no clue what I am like in a relationship.

Jesus Christ.

a bloke you’ve been seeing for ‘almost 4mth’ had had a reminder about your birthday in 2 weeks and you want to be taken to a Michelin starred restaurant.

for some people that’s a once in a lifetime event.

OP, is it your 21st birthday?

@AgathaMystery go ahead and pile on!

My expectation is for him to plan ahead. My preference actually is for an interesting restaurant, not a Michelin star. (He's booked somewhere that looks to be super expensive but uninteresting, which I appreciate).

But I have already been clear that I don't expect him to understand my taste and you're piling in for the fun of being mean.

@Lunificent he's seemingly the most kind and thoughtful man you could meet. I'm just terrified of missing red flags like I did with my ex.

No clue? Hopefully
He has learnt his lesson because I am booked on Saturday when he wanted to go out.
I think that is a huge clue exactly what you are like in a relationship

@stepuporshutup I don't see your point. I didn't make the plans on Saturday out of spite. He literally needs to book my time ahead if he wants to see me, and I felt like a c*nt chasing him to make time to see me on my birthday.

I really wouldn't stress over this. Some people are better than others with dates. I, for example, forgot our first wedding anniversary... you can imagine my embarrassment when hubby came down loaded with gifts and I hadn't even got a card for him 🙈🙈🙈🙈

Understandable that you have concerns if you have been damaged by previous relationships but you are making yourself sound like very hard work in this relationship now. You had been seeing this man for less than 3 months when you spoke about your birthday, you acknowledge that he can't understand or know your taste in restaurants yet, but you basically told him you wanted to go to dinner and then stood back and almost willed him to fail! I'm not sure if your birthday is on the Saturday or not but if that was when you needed to see him, why not tell him that or was he expected to read your mind?! Why make plans with someone else without even double-checking if that was when he was hoping to have dinner? If he couldn't yet know your food or restaurant preferences why not help him out with suggestions?

@rubberhead

I think you shouldn't have said all you wanted was acknowledgment and a meal if in reality you wanted much more than that - either practically or emotionally.

If you'd really wanted to do something you could just tell him when you can get a sitter if you're only available for specific dates. It does feel like just waiting for him to ask is a bit of a test.

I'm sorry, but you do sound high maintenance and a little bit of a snob that he's not taking you to a restaurant that meets your standards. I appreciate in reality you might not be this way, but it's how you're coming across.

I think maybe lower your expectations a bit (given that this relationship is only 4 months in) and try to go with the flow. Sometimes having everything planned out meticulously can be a real passion killer.

You’re definitely overthinking this. It’s a very new relationship, your birthday isn’t going to be imprinted in his brain with “plan several weeks in advance.”

@hotnakedgelato I know right! It's one of my less finer moments 🙈 strangely enough im usually extremely organised. He's learnt to love my chilled out attitude 😂

He still had time to remember and book. He may well have done so if you hadn't reminded him.

How far ahead are your dates normally arranged? If you aren't going out on your actual birthday perhaps He was just waiting until nearer the time.

Wait until your birthday and see what he does. I think you just need to wait and see if he makes an effort or not. Hopefully you might be pleasantly surprised.

I can recognise this thinking, after being married to someone who made zero effort i find myself doing the same - every relationship seems to have turned into a version of the Hunger Games where there are tasks they are being set up to fail.

The restaurant doesn't matter, even his organisation doesn't matter, or reflect on your value as a person. Let him be him and see how it goes.

I really don't see the issue, but my expectations of birthdays are quite low. Could be something to do with my age (approaching 60). I'm happy with a meal out arranged between us at short notice. I have also been known to forget my husband's birthday until fairly last minute.