Friend’s husband hitting on me

[JennaBear]

Looking for advice really…
Invited out by friends’ husband (who I don’t know very well) to celebrate her birthday with two other couples. I ended up sitting between her husband and another one (not mine). Throughout the whole meal, her husband kept his arm draped around my chair (which my DH saw and thought was odd, but not exactly boundary crossing), however, what my DH didn’t see, was that he also kept touching my back, rubbing my bra strap, pushing his legs against mine, touching my hand, etc. It made me feel REALLY uncomfortable (and not just because both our spouses were there, but because I didn’t want him to touch me). I tried to make this obvious by leaning as far forward as I could away from his hand, moving my legs away from him, going to the toilet in order to be able to come back and re-position myself, etc. There was nowhere else at the table to sit. I know I didn’t imagine it though, because two of my other friends were in the pub that evening and asked me afterwards if I enjoyed “being creeped on”.

Anyway, fast forward to school run this morning, and my friend seems cool with me. I might just be imagining it, but I don’t know what she saw / thought at the time. We aren’t super close, so not sure I should raise it with her. Looking for advice really (even if just retrospective advice about how I could have handled it better, as it’s left me feeling quite upset).

• cool meaning slightly off btw!

I don’t know why I didn’t say that. I definitely thought about saying it. I guess I didn’t want to make a scene / upset my friend.

The mistake you made here was not calling him out on it. So your friend say her husband hitting on you, and you "letting" him, and it is much easier for her to be angry with you than it is for her to face up to the fact that she married a shit. I would have made a loud, pointed joke about him not understanding personal space if I were you.

I wouldn't raise it with her, because starting a dialogue might sound like you're trying to get in first with an excuse, and you've got nothing to be sorry about. I would either turn down future invitations or make sure you're never seated near to him again. You should definitely tell your DH what he did.

You could have moved. You could have asked your husband to swap seats with you. How he behaved was gross and entirely his own responsibility and it’s awful you put up with it because you prioritised other peoples feelings over your own.

I expect he’s got form and she’s worried he’s up to his old sleazy tricks and is choosing to be annoyed with you because you were the object of his letchiness and she’s never going to dump him.

Exactly redbigbananafeet I never understand these dilemmas. I would have pushed the arm away and said loudly "If I didn't know you better I would have worried you were being inappropriate" Cue laughter from the whole table.

Hmmm I’ve had this happen a few times. Just be very clear and threaten to tell his wife. It’s not fun when it’s a group of school parents either. I’d be staying well clear of them!!

@RampantIvy wow talk about victim blaming!

It would have been best to say something but I think all you can do now is be cool towards your friend. If my DH acted like that I'd be beyond embarrassed and disgusted with him. So they obviously have problems. Leave them to it.

Wow - talk about victim blaming!

I don’t know why I didn’t speak really. Like I said, not wanting to ruin my friends birthday / make a scene. Non-verbally I did all I could to make it clear I didn’t want it. I just didn’t use my voice. I was horrified by the whole thing and still upset by it.

I hope you weren't wearing a short skirt OP otherwise you were asking for it 🙄🙄🙄

I cannot believe people are putting this on you.

He was relying on your fear and your silence. He's the worst kind of predator.

I would of moved even if it meant standing up to be honest or I’d of left
i wouldn’t let a friends letchy husband keep touching me and the fact others noticed means it wasn’t subtle and probably they also wondered why you didn’t stop it?

This happened to me once except it was my (married) boss. I also kept re-positioning myself but it didn't stop him. It was gross. I am quite an outspoken person but I also didn't feel able to "speak out".

I’ve been in a similar situation and said nothing. It was a professional not personal situation so very awkward and difficult. I have regrets in how I handled it but I don’t think I would have been thanked for doing things differently. The person involved had a ready made excuse for his behaviour and had I spoken up, things may have been made very difficult for me.

Op froze in a difficult situation and you’ve all jumped on her for not immediately reacting when she was likely pretty shocked. Her friends saw it and didn’t intervene, her own husband saw it and didn’t intervene. Why should the victim who has already been violated be the only one expected to speak up?

Then why didn’t they say anything?

This.

The reaction on here is utterly soul destroying.

What a horrible position to be in, OP.

The people who definitely saw it were sitting on another table behind us. I don’t know if anyone noticed at our table. My DH now knows everything and wants to speak to him, but has respected my decision to take some time to think about the best course of action. Definitely won’t be going out with him again though. I know far worse things happen, but it did feel violating.

Not your fault OP. I'd be sad that my DH, friends and the wife all saw this and didn't say or subtly step in to help.Do NOT feel guilty.

This couple aren't friends you need to keep or particularly care about their opinion. Don't get dragged into their couples drama.

Ignore the victim blamers on the thread.