Friend’s husband hitting on me

[JennaBear]

Looking for advice really…
Invited out by friends’ husband (who I don’t know very well) to celebrate her birthday with two other couples. I ended up sitting between her husband and another one (not mine). Throughout the whole meal, her husband kept his arm draped around my chair (which my DH saw and thought was odd, but not exactly boundary crossing), however, what my DH didn’t see, was that he also kept touching my back, rubbing my bra strap, pushing his legs against mine, touching my hand, etc. It made me feel REALLY uncomfortable (and not just because both our spouses were there, but because I didn’t want him to touch me). I tried to make this obvious by leaning as far forward as I could away from his hand, moving my legs away from him, going to the toilet in order to be able to come back and re-position myself, etc. There was nowhere else at the table to sit. I know I didn’t imagine it though, because two of my other friends were in the pub that evening and asked me afterwards if I enjoyed “being creeped on”.

Anyway, fast forward to school run this morning, and my friend seems cool with me. I might just be imagining it, but I don’t know what she saw / thought at the time. We aren’t super close, so not sure I should raise it with her. Looking for advice really (even if just retrospective advice about how I could have handled it better, as it’s left me feeling quite upset).

I would have got up on pretext of going to the loo and on the way quietly asked DH to change places.

FFS, we really need to stop thinking like this!!!!
YOU did nothing wrong, you wouldnt have been "making a scene", you would have been telling a man to stop touching you. Any upset etc would have been down to him doing it, not you asking him to stop.
Please please please can we stop taking responsibility for the bad behaviour of men

Its very easy for everyone to say after the event the the OP should have said something. But how does anyone know how they would react if this happened. Sorry this has happened to you OP.
I had a friend's partner try to stick his hand down the back of my trousers in the taxi coming home one evening. Thankfully my friend knew he was a dog and could see what he was doing. They ended up having a massive argument when the taxi stopped. Even though i had done nothing wrong i still felt terribly guilty. I would say distance yourself OP and leave them to it.

LuaDipa why didn't she? Why do you think women are weak?

Jesus, pp's are fucking crazy, blaming you for not saying something!!
Listen people, some of us are shy, awkward, find it very hard to know what to say and how to say it in certain situations. And even if you are a confident type, imagine being in a formal situation, seated at a tabme with people you don't know well, celebrating the birthday of the aggressor's wife and trying to have a 'nice' evening for her. He no doubt knew what a difficult situation that put OP in and therefore that she would be unlikely to be able to say anything, which is why he felt confident in molesting her.

Why in this day answer age do people still blame the woman for not having the right personality and skills to calmy yet politely fend off a molester effectively, all whilst managing not to ruin a dinner party.

As for his wife now being cool, I imagine he has told her all sorts of stories and untruths about you.

I can see now I was being weak. I should have spoken out. Apologies to anyone offended by my post.

Thank you also to those who seem to understand how it felt it the moment and I why I didn’t say anything.

This.

you’ve lost your friend sadly.

what’s your h saying about this?

For me its not a case of you should have spoken out, I appreciate that you didnt feel able to and people shouldnt be criticising you personally.
I am bloody furious that we live in a society that has raised women to feel that they cant tell a man to stop touching them and that challenging men is "making a scene"

Omfg what a pest! I’d have felt very awkward too. As you mention you either say something to the male octopus (and possibly ruin your friend’s party)or you try the less obvious deterrents which you did. He obviously didn’t take the hints. I think asking to swap seats with the person sat next to your husband. Why wasn’t Mr Octopus sat next to his wife? If you find yourself near him again enlist your husband or friends as barriers. If you see him out by himself tell him he was an utter creep that evening and he should learn to keep his paws to himself!

I suppose you could have said to your husband ‘can I have a word?’ Taken him away from the table and told him you wanted to swap seats due to the situation. Then if asked you could have made up a reason for the table rearrangement.

Love, you’re not weak, you were a victim- a common response IS to freeze.

please don’t blame yourself. Blame him.

I bet he’s even told your friend that you came on to him, just in case you complain to her about it.

No-one should be offended by your post OP.
you did nothing wrong.
Its difficult to manage situations like this: maybe if we’d all grown up being educated not to laugh off inappropriate behaviour and jokes from men, rely on other men to step in for us, doubt our own experiences and have a fear of causing social upset it would be more instinctive, but it isn’t.

You weren’t weak at all, he was a pest.

You definitely should have called him out

@JennaBear you absolutely do not need to apologize to pp's blaming you for this man's behaviour. I'm a confident, articulate person but am not certain what I would have done in that circumstance in the moment. I know what I would like to do but when confronted by it whether I would is another matter. The fault for this lies squarely with him, you did nothing wrong and must not apologize to the posters here or to anyone else. It is not your job to police men's behaviour and actually that can result in feeling/being less safe.

Anyone blaming you is ignorant. Your reaction is a very common one when someone behaves like that towards you. The only person to blame here is that man.

Stop blaming the OP. It's not her fault that her friend's husband is a creep. It's not your responsibility, OP.

It happened to me once at a big work dinner, someone rubbing knees with me in a way that after the first time could not have been accidental. It would have been so awkward to say anything so I didn't, and just moved my knee, and then myself when I could and carried on talking. It wasn't someone I saw regularly, fortunately.

You are being unfairly criticised. It is obvious why you didn't do it, we have been conditioned as a race to not cause a scene and think we are making too much of something. The man was in the wrong, not you. I'm really shocked by the victim blaming here, if someone being raped didn't scream and physically fight back would people blame them too.

The victim blaming is strong on this thread. It's not unusual to 'freeze' in this situation , believe me I've been there enough times. OP I can imagine how awkward it was for you and this twat took advantage of the fact that it was unlikely that you would cause a scene.

This ruined one of my friendships. A friends husband started groping me and asked if I had any underwear on when we were in a club. I'm an SA survivor and I froze.
I never said anything, just declined every single invite from them since.

Women who are sexually assaulted often don’t speak out. It doesn’t make them weak and it definitely doesn’t make it their fault.

If a friend of mine, or any woman, was in an uncomfortable situation like this, I would speak up for them if they didn’t feel able to do so. Not because they are weak and unable to do so themselves but because I want to support other women rather than blame them for the actions of predatory men.

I agree. I can perfectly see why OP would be reluctant to cause a scene and have to deal with a distraught wife and her own furious husband.

The two posters Red and Polly you are the ones who should be ashamed. Victim blaming is absolutely terrible. Stop it now for gods sake.

Op its not your fault you didn't speak out.
Its happened to me too in a social situation very similar. The man even kissed me on the cheek over and over and tried to kiss me in my lips by pushing the kisses further and he wouldn't let go. This all happened in a packed room in front of his wife and a group of friends. Its so so difficult to speak out.

Only advice I have is to stay away from him.