Friend’s husband hitting on me

[JennaBear]

Looking for advice really…
Invited out by friends’ husband (who I don’t know very well) to celebrate her birthday with two other couples. I ended up sitting between her husband and another one (not mine). Throughout the whole meal, her husband kept his arm draped around my chair (which my DH saw and thought was odd, but not exactly boundary crossing), however, what my DH didn’t see, was that he also kept touching my back, rubbing my bra strap, pushing his legs against mine, touching my hand, etc. It made me feel REALLY uncomfortable (and not just because both our spouses were there, but because I didn’t want him to touch me). I tried to make this obvious by leaning as far forward as I could away from his hand, moving my legs away from him, going to the toilet in order to be able to come back and re-position myself, etc. There was nowhere else at the table to sit. I know I didn’t imagine it though, because two of my other friends were in the pub that evening and asked me afterwards if I enjoyed “being creeped on”.

Anyway, fast forward to school run this morning, and my friend seems cool with me. I might just be imagining it, but I don’t know what she saw / thought at the time. We aren’t super close, so not sure I should raise it with her. Looking for advice really (even if just retrospective advice about how I could have handled it better, as it’s left me feeling quite upset).

My love, you are not weak. Society has conditioned so many of us to be quiet and tolerate rather than make things ‘awkward’. Your dh and your friends didn’t speak up for the same reason.

You have done absolutely nothing wrong. He is a nasty predator.

As the recipient of the unwanted attention, you don't have to do anything. Freezing, moving away and not saying anything is a valid reaction. As he was so handsy and unsubtle other people will have seen and think him a weirdo anyway.

I spend a lot of time on this site, reading comments from women explaining that what you were wearing does not give anyone the right to do this or that to you, just because you accepted a drink from them, does not mean that you owe them anything. It is not your fault.
Then on this page, people are actually blaming the OP for not standing up for herself. It's her fault that the wife is cool with her because her lechy husband couldn't keep his hands to himself and the OP didn't feel comfortable standing up fo herself.
If, god forbid, anything more sinister than this had taken place-an assault for example, would you still be telling the OP that she should have stood up and said something in order to prevent this?

Oh, bog off and stop victim-blaming. There's an absolutely fuck-ton of evidence to suggest that people in these situations often shut down psychologically and 'freeze' and that this is normal reaction. It's not a weakness. There are lots of reasons for it - there's a subconscious fear that things will escalate and be worse if they react to the assault, for a start. There's the (also subconscious) feeling that you can pretend to yourself it's not actually happening if you don't actually acknowledge it. There's plain old embarrassment, particularly when it's someone you know. There is also a very real fear that you will be accused of being ridiculous or making it up, and the self-doubt that says 'I'm not just imagining this, am I? Did I accidentally lead him on? Is this my fault?'

Of course, that latter doubt is almost entirely fuelled by attitudes like yours. Ironically.

OP, this whole thing sounds creepy and gross, and the fact that some other people noticed clearly indicates that it wasn't subtle either. I'm glad you've told your partner. I don't think you should talk to your friend, really. If she's being cold towards you, that's her problem. If she can't see that her awful husband is the one at fault here, and not you, she is not worth your friendship anyway.

If you want your partner to speak to this man, that's fine, but if you don't, he shouldn't.

The only other vague possibility I can think of is that this couple are - to quote Alan Partridge - 'sex people' and were trying to test you out for a bit of swinging. Which is equally creepy, really.

Don't you dare apologise! You've done nothing wrong and it's you who deserves an apology on this thread 💐

I don't know how I would have reacted OP in that situation, I'd like to think I would have made a scene, asked everyone to make some more space as I didn't have enough room at the table, asked creepy man to stop touching me, walked out etc but in reality I probably would have done the same as you.
But, you've done nothing wrong At All and you're the one who gets to be 'cool' with your friend, distance yourself from her husband and therefore her until you get an apology for his inappropriate behaviour.

You were not weak/ wrong/ at fault for not speaking up. I think I would have reacted in a similar way. It would have been very awkward and uncomfortable. I'd like to think now I would say something like 'can you move your arm it's tickling me' but I am not 100% sure I would have.

I don't know what good talking to your friend will do. She will not think her DH did anything. At least 2 other friends saw. I would avoid being near him in future.

Also I wouldn't say anything to your acquiantance. If she said anything about it to me or tried to make out it was the other way round I'd have no qualms about telling her what a creep her DH is. I bet she bloody knows what he's like though, that's why she is being quiet. If your other friends saw of course she did.

@JennaBear Mate, you have done absolutely NOTHING wrong. You're not weak and you have nothing to apologise for. You had a horrible experience and the only people who should be apologising on this thread are the people who are having a go at you.

This has happened to me twice - sadly once when I was very young and I just froze. The second time I was older and I told my husband who swapped seats with me and I said oh it’s cos X keeps rubbing my leg to my DH.

Can I just say one thing - it's very easy to sit here and say "well why didn't you stop him?!"

That kind of sounds like "well, why didn't you just leave him?" The poor woman probably was a bit shell shocked and in disbelief. It happens.

OP - if you're not super close with this woman I'd cool off the friendship. If she brings the situation up then by all means tell her "yeah your husband was being really inappropriate and I kind of froze up in disbelief" but you don't owe anyone anything.

Big un-mumsnetty hugs

Victim blaming.

I totally understand that you didn't want to make a fuss out loud in front of everyone - I would have been the same.

My tactic would probably have been to text DH from the loos and get him to vacate his seat so that I could slip into his spot.

But it's frustrating there are men like this out there for the need for 'tactics' to deal with them

Wow. Let's all blame the op 🙄 I understand the whole feeling awkward and not wanting to cause scene. I don't know what to suggest op. I suspect his wife may shoot the messenger as so many people sadly do. Could you distance yourself seeing as you are not close anyway?

I think this comment is disgusting. I would feel much more comfortable calling someone out on my own rather than in a room with his wife. People react differently, we aren’t all you. There is only one person in the wrong that was sat around that table and it wasn’t OP.

Wow, the first lot of responses on this thread are depressing I'm glad to see other people standing up for you, OP.

Some people are just "freezers" in general. I'm absolutely shite in an emergency because I just freeze. Unwanted physical/sexual attention gives me the same freeze response. There's no chance I would have said anything either, OP, as much as I would very much like to be someone who would call it out. You've done absolutely nothing wrong whatsoever - you're not weak, you're human!❤️

This is so common. Creepy men know exactly where the line is between friendly or accidental ambiguous touching and full on sleaze. He was obviously well versed in the sort of low level sleaze which - had you called him out on it- he would have claimed was just accidental and you would have been made to feel like you were overreacting and spoiling your friend's birthday.

You aren't weak op! the common response in this type of situation is to freeze and not be able to react and to continue as if nothing has happened!!! You did not want to cause a scene, which is quite understandable. Don't blame yourself at all!!!! The only thing is maybe think about what you would do if this sort of thing happens again. Ugh what a creep!!!!

You've done nothing wrong OP, so don't apologise to the victim-blaming idiots on here. I'm sorry this happened to you. I bet there's countless women who have gone through very similar situations and have reacted exactly the same way that you did. I count myself in that too. It's a Completely normal response. I'd distance myself from these people though. 💐

What I hope I'd have done

• "Steve can you move you arm please I'm feeling a bit stifled"
• Angling chair slightly away from him and talking to the other person
• Got DH to swap seats because I "really want to talk to - whomever he's next to"
• Physically moved his hand off your leg, arm etc.
• Loudly asked him/ the person next if they could move up as you feel a bit squashed
• Loudly told him to stop touching you

But it's easier after the event. You really do need to work on your voice tho because whilst no one should do that to you, that isn't the world we have to be women in.

Re friend, just act normally. You did nothing wrong

Absolutely get how awkward it can be. Why should we have to put up with this siht

I'm older now and a bit more confident to stand my ground. They also stay very causally just resting an arm before start with the other tricks.

When I first notice it, I'd lean forward away from the arm.

Then, when I lean back make a bit of a fuss about his arm being there, laugh and ask him to move it.

No embarrassment, coz just leaving his arm there is not that big a deal but I prefer to have my own space.

One man had the cheek to say to his wife on the other side of the table 'look I've been told off just for leaving my arm there'. Pah.

Good luck with his wife. Hope it goes well

@redbigbananafeet why, why, why do women like you exist? Is it to make people feel even worse than they felt before the wrote this post, i knew the minute the poor woman wrote this, she would be lashed by people like you. OP, that is a horrible experience for you, i don't know what you can really do now apart from try put it out of your head, the wife is probably not going to believe you anyway unfortunately.

Man behaves badly and it’s a woman’s fault?
C’mon now!

Also it's a horrible thing to have happened to you. And hope you are OK!!!

The victim blaming on this thread is utterly disgusting. I seriously hope I'm not unfortunate enough to know some of the posters on here in real life.
I hope you are ok OP