Friend’s husband hitting on me

[JennaBear]

Looking for advice really…
Invited out by friends’ husband (who I don’t know very well) to celebrate her birthday with two other couples. I ended up sitting between her husband and another one (not mine). Throughout the whole meal, her husband kept his arm draped around my chair (which my DH saw and thought was odd, but not exactly boundary crossing), however, what my DH didn’t see, was that he also kept touching my back, rubbing my bra strap, pushing his legs against mine, touching my hand, etc. It made me feel REALLY uncomfortable (and not just because both our spouses were there, but because I didn’t want him to touch me). I tried to make this obvious by leaning as far forward as I could away from his hand, moving my legs away from him, going to the toilet in order to be able to come back and re-position myself, etc. There was nowhere else at the table to sit. I know I didn’t imagine it though, because two of my other friends were in the pub that evening and asked me afterwards if I enjoyed “being creeped on”.

Anyway, fast forward to school run this morning, and my friend seems cool with me. I might just be imagining it, but I don’t know what she saw / thought at the time. We aren’t super close, so not sure I should raise it with her. Looking for advice really (even if just retrospective advice about how I could have handled it better, as it’s left me feeling quite upset).

I definitely would have told him to stop on no uncertain terms. What a creep

As you didn't put a stop to it at the time I would give a wide birth from now on and if you are forced together again make a big song and dance that you don't want to sit by him, stand in a buffet queue next to him, ever, ever again.

All the people on here saying 'I would have said this', or 'I would have done this', have absolutely no idea what they would have done.

Some of us have called creeps out.

Strong women raised by strong women, raising sons who will regard that predator with disgust. We need to shoutout so the less confident feel empowered to do the same.
Jenna is not a victim, she is a survivor. She needs to ask those friends who saw it happening why they didn't ask at the time if she was feeling grossed out by this pervert if they saw it happening.
I don't think previous posters have blamed Jenna, they have said their advice is to make herself heard next time.

@JennaBear please do not let this man make you feel bad about how YOU handled yourself. YOU were intimidated by vile predatory behaviour. YOU did nothing wrong. Jeez I am so tired of shoddy male behaviour. This was his inability to behave...not yours.

The victim blaming on here is shocking.
anyone ever heard of fight flight freeze?
maybe the op froze.
common response for women who are being sexually assaulted or hit on in an inappropriate/unwanted way.

You are not weak OP!
He knew exactly how much he could 'get away with' before you would feel free to react publicly.

You were (courageously) trying not to make the birthday occasion all about you... and trying not to believe what he was doing.

He was revolting - creepy - and betraying his wife in front of everyone. (What an occasion to choose for this too!)

Your reaction is very common, op - e we are brought up not to make fuss or tick the boat. You did nothing wrong!

Next time, swap seats with your h. Or think of a couple of smart responses you could use.

Sorry this has happened to you. What a creepy sleaze bag.

There is no way around this, I have been in the same position more than once.
i wouldn’t recommend dh getting involved, that could escalate the issue and your friend won’t thank you for raising it with her, she knows what he is like.
I would choose to spend my time with more respectful friends and drop them. Fade them out and become too busy to see them again.

it is uncomfortable yes, but not worth making it even worse in my view - the moment has passed to call him out annoyingly and anything said now will look like attention seeking/drama in your part.

I feel pity the wives what an awful man to be saddled with.

I know I didn’t imagine it though, because two of my other friends were in the pub that evening and asked me afterwards if I enjoyed “being creeped on”.

I can't see the context of this. It might have sounded very different offline and in conversation than it does in stark typeface. But from what I'm reading here, I would not be so keen to see these people as my 'friends'. It reads like sarcasm, which is horribly unsympathetic way to 'commiserate' with someone who has behaved inappropriately and taken advantage of your natural wish not to upset your friend.

Horrible. As are some of the responses on this thread. You're not to blame, OP. You have done nothing wrong whatsoever.

NB. Apologies for the rapid-fire post above, I rattled it off in a hurry and my grammar's atrocious. Obviously I meant commiserating with someone who's been the victim of this odious creep, rather than the odious creep himself.

I never understand these dilemmas. I would have pushed the arm away and said loudly "If I didn't know you better I would have worried you were being inappropriate" Cue laughter from the whole table

Have you actually been in this situation and actually done this though?

Because its very easy to say what you would do. What you actually did do is often very different.

I spoke up to a man once who was doing similar. I was as 'nice' as I could be about it ("Can you please stop touching me? I don't like it.") but, as everyone knew what he was doing, I was also the one who was considered to have spoilt the evening and humiliated the wife. Apparently, the done thing is to pretend you haven't noticed...

Yes, I read once a male response is more likely to be fight or flight, females freeze or fawn. They may disassociate or go into appease mode, it's a survival response.
Too much should have would have on here, said by the people who it didn't happen to.

WT actual F! Why didn't you tell him to stop?

I spoke up to a man once who was doing similar. I was as 'nice' as I could be about it ("Can you please stop touching me? I don't like it.") but, as everyone knew what he was doing, I was also the one who was considered to have spoilt the evening and humiliated the wife. Apparently, the done thing is to pretend you haven't noticed

what was his response?> What did the others /his wife say?

Run.
And speaking from personal experience, don’t even mention it to your friend.
An ex-friend of mine’s DH did something very similar to me. He wasn’t subtle at all and it escalated to him sending me explicit images and offering himself up on a plate along with a lot of touching whenever he got anywhere near. Then when he got caught out, he spun it all in his favour, declaring that I was the one who’d done the chasing (even though all the digital evidence, message, explicit images etc had all come from him and were met with tumbleweed from me 🤨), and inevitably my ex-friend chose to believe him and I was painted as the villain in their version of the story.

You’ve done nothing wrong. I’d distance myself massively.

To all the people saying why didn’t she shout at him to stop, I guarantee he would have made out he brushed her by accident or she imagined it. Placing the blame on her and ruining the night.

She froze to protect herself. Females use this approach in the hope that if they don’t react, then the offender will disengage. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes the offender will continue. But again, the female not wanting to escalate the situation remains frozen.

It’s not passive, it’s an active response to try and control a threat.

Please do not listen to these god awful people OP. You didn’t do anything wrong!

Why didn't you take a second to think before you wrote anything?

Such a stupid question.

I’ve only got this far in the thread, seen your response OP, and also the reactions to the multitude of deleted posts and I’ve got the absolute fucking rage on your behalf. You were NOT being weak. You have nothing to apologise for.

You were trying to spare your friend’s feelings (on her birthday, FFS!) in a horrendously awkward social situation. You were taken by surprise, your boundaries and body language were totally ignored (violated actually), and suddenly you’re being vilified by a load of people on here whose attitudes are precisely as cunty and outdated as the bloke who put you in this position in the first place. Yeah, they’d have all been breezily outspoken, and mortified everyone at the table and happily been held responsible for ruining the evening, but that’s because they weren’t actually there, and because all these keyboard warriors are fucking balls-out legends in their own heads.

The truth is this woman will blame you for the fact she’s married to an utter twat, and unfortunately there’s nothing much you can do about that. So please don’t feel embarrassed or anxious about it. You’ve done nothing wrong and were a victim of other people’s bullshit. Stick with your DH and the people you count as actual friends. I’m sorry this happened to you.

You weren't weak. You froze and didn't know what to do. Something similar happened to me. A guy sat next to me on a bench and rubbed my thigh, underneath my skirt. I was around 14 and didn't want that, but was too shocked to say anything. I did get-up and walk away. I did wonder if my skirt was too short, and if it was my fault because I smiled at him when he said hello. But society will always blame the female. When will society learn that its always the creeps fault, and not the female. I think your husband should have a word with him, to warn him against doing it again, to anyone.

Let your husband speak to him. The sooner the better. Men like him take your reluctance to speak out at the time as a green light to take it further. I know, I’ve been there too.

You have no idea what you would do.
It's easy to be sitting at home reading the OP, and say what you'd do.

Women shouldn't even have to think about this type of thing happening to them....if only the fucking Men would stop touching them in a sexual way 😡

It happened to me. It happened To my daughter, we both reacted like you op. In my case it was an EX coming to my place of work, trying it on. I told DH, he came with me and waits at the bar, EX came in saw DH and left. DH never said a word to him.
DD was groped in a friends house, she didn’t say anything, she made an excuse and left, the following day he sent her a creepy text, she told her DH who ‘had a word’ with him.
You did nothing wrong op so don’t apologise to anyone.

This is the thing, there are lots of women like this who would support their cheating, lying, predator husbands over women, whatever the evidence. Until this changes and we start to support women in these situations then they'll continue to get away with it.

You weren't 'weak' at all O.P. I am truly shocked at some of the comments on here. you did nothing wrong at all. You didn't ask that creep of a man to do those things to you and to those saying why didn't you 'speak up' it's not just about what you say, you physically moved, you stood up to come back to reposition etc.in your behaviour you made it very clear yet this horrible man still kept doing that and then people have the nerve to blame you in any way is just shocking. Of course it's hard to say something on the moment. You would have been shocked, not know wjat to do exactly, no it want to cause a scene , not want to upset your friend on her bday etc.... so many thoughts racing through your head.
I'm sorry you feel violated and sending you love x