Friend’s husband hitting on me

[JennaBear]

Looking for advice really…
Invited out by friends’ husband (who I don’t know very well) to celebrate her birthday with two other couples. I ended up sitting between her husband and another one (not mine). Throughout the whole meal, her husband kept his arm draped around my chair (which my DH saw and thought was odd, but not exactly boundary crossing), however, what my DH didn’t see, was that he also kept touching my back, rubbing my bra strap, pushing his legs against mine, touching my hand, etc. It made me feel REALLY uncomfortable (and not just because both our spouses were there, but because I didn’t want him to touch me). I tried to make this obvious by leaning as far forward as I could away from his hand, moving my legs away from him, going to the toilet in order to be able to come back and re-position myself, etc. There was nowhere else at the table to sit. I know I didn’t imagine it though, because two of my other friends were in the pub that evening and asked me afterwards if I enjoyed “being creeped on”.

Anyway, fast forward to school run this morning, and my friend seems cool with me. I might just be imagining it, but I don’t know what she saw / thought at the time. We aren’t super close, so not sure I should raise it with her. Looking for advice really (even if just retrospective advice about how I could have handled it better, as it’s left me feeling quite upset).

Fucking hell, the attitudes on here are exactly why juries don't convict rapists. Oh yeah, sure if you were there you would have done a Kung Fu move and swung him round the lampshade then dumped him in a vat of gravy.

In the real world, when a man deliberately breaches physical boundaries many women freeze because it's often the best way to survive when faced with an attacker who could overpower you, theoretically to the point of rape, violence and death.

It doesn't matter that it's a sleaze in a restaurant pinging your bra strap, primal instinct kicks in when you feel under attack. I don't know that you can do much about it now other than not going out with them again.

If the husband was being racist to one member of the group, would the rest of the group just passively sit there and watch? Would they keep inviting him back?
Why is it the victims responsibility to challenge this kind of behaviour?

You're not weak OP and your reaction is perfectly understandable. It's so easy to say what you would've done when you weren't in that situation but I know from experience it's never that simple.
As girls grow up they subconsciously absorb the message to "be kind" and put themselves and their own feelings last.
I would suggest reading up on boundaries and self esteem and hopefully you'll absorb enough information to help you deal with these situations in future.

You need to tell them now that his advances were uncalled for and unwelcome. And that he is not to touch you in the future. He'll already have told her you were asking for it or encouraging him. I'd message both of them.
If it's someones birthday it's a very difficult thing to cause a fuss in case you ruin it. Next time you will probably be more prepared and hopefully it will never happen again. Polite men and women generally don't like making a scene in a social situation so you're not alone.

I am not the OP

How awful OP.

I'm sure this wasn't his first rodeo.

In your place I wouldn't go out with them again and I would be honest to friends that he's slime, that you didn't want a scene.

Tell your mutual friends that while you are upset, your husband is respecting your wishes not to get involved.

He's an utter creep and you won't be in their company again.

If his wife is rude to you, you need to ask her is she actually upset with YOU after her perve of a husbands awful behaviour?

I would stress that he ruined the evening, was seen by numerous people, whom have spoken to you, as it was quite clear it was unwanted behaviour.

Do not allow her to behave like you have done something wrong.

She knows well what he is like and tolerates it.

So much easier to blame you rather than deal with him.

I agree that whilst women often don't want to make a scene, a scene is exactly the best action to take.

But not feeling able to is not the OP's fault.

All we can do is raise our daughters to be scene makers.

This is NOT on the OP and it is shameful to suggest otherwise.

Victim blamers can fuck off - each and every one of you.

I'm surprised you didn't ask her what she was wearing and blame her for that.

When I was sexually assaulted I was asked why I didn't stop him. I froze as well and still wish I had done things differently.

You all think you know what you would do but you haven't got a bloody clue until it happens to you.

So piss off with the victim blaming. The ONLY person to blame here is the wankwipe that assaulted her.

To the OP - hugs to you and don't worry about losing her friendship. You need good people around you to build you up, not blame you for their partners tendencies to sexually assaulting women.

FFS - will people stop giving OP a hard time and victim blaming? No one really knows how they'll react until that exact scenario happens to them.

I always thought I would be vocal and push someone away until I was badly sexually assaulted on a packed tube and did nothing. I don't know why I reacted like that, maybe scared it would get violent or that I'd be accused of making it up, don't really know, just a full freeze response.

OP - this is not your fault at all, not a single part of it.

I never understand these dilemmas. I would have pushed the arm away and said loudly "If I didn't know you better I would have worried you were being inappropriate" Cue laughter from the whole table

Because not everybody has this confidence and some people find it very difficult to be assertive or to draw any attention on themselves. That and sometimes when you find yourself in certain situation you are too taken back to actually react.

'All we can do is raise our daughters to be scene makers ' - it's not always the wisest option though, is it? Raising a scene in some times and places could make things turn violence or escalate. Cold shoulder ignoring it is sometimes the best option.

All we can do is raise our sons not to be slimy turds.

You aren't to blame and I am disgusted at the replies saying you are @JennaBear

You can tell his wife if you want, but she may flip it on you because she might be in denial. It's not your job to police creeps. Equally I'd tell your husband to have a word with him , men do listen to other men more unfortunately.

I am so sorry OP. I think it's only natural for some us to freeze and keep quiet.
I nearly go raped once and I couldn't even make a sound. I just froze there and till this day I don't know why that had happened. Luckily, a dog started barking and scared away the sleezy bastard.
I was groped many times in early teen years.
It is so sad that some men/young boys think they can get away with it.
You didn't do anything wrong, there is no need to apologize.
I wouldn't tell his wife anything, let them be. They deserve each other.
Just look after yourself.
🌻

You didn't do anything wrong. You froze. You were being groped and creeped on by a sexual predator who knew you wouldn't want to make scene and ruin his wife's birthday. Total and utter creep.

I'd personally consider sending her the link to this thread and tell her you wrote it and you wanted her to know now why you won't ever agree to be in the same room as her creep of a husband again.

Don't apologise, Jenna! You did nothing wrong. You were hampered by your politeness and reluctance to embarrass everyone else. I would have been furious -- and yet I'm still not sure I would have had the guts to speak out or pointedly change seats with my DH.

I might say something like "DH, could you change places with me because this chair is giving me back pain". But it's taken me the half-hour since I read your post to think of that and come back to write this!

Why the hell didn’t your friends rescue you if they saw this happening? No one in this situation will be able to think clearly or logically, it’s for others to intervene and help you OP. There’s no way I’d have sat back and watched that happen from a far without engineering a way for my friend to get out of it.

His behaviour was disgusting OP, and this is 100% on him. Any consequences are his.

Everyone is different, and not everyone reacts the same. I guess different experiences come into it. I unfortunately experienced something a long time ago and I'd probably leap over the table if a man touched me in that way, to get away. Whereas, someone very close to me would likely react on the way you did.

I am appalled by certain posters on this thread.

Women actually blaming other women for being the victim of a sexual predator? And actually having a go at them for not doing enough to stop the predatory behaviour?

Those posters need to have a long, hard look at themselves.

Actually, something vaguely similar happened to me. I was at an evening event. Tight booths, everyone squished in, and a colleague squeezed past and leaned over me, with his crotch against my knee.
My reaction was instant, to my mortification, completely reactive. Everyone thought I was nuts, and overreacting but my need to get away took over. Not everyone would do that but I didn't actually choose it. It just happened.

*have

Why on Earth is she being cold towards you. She needs to keep her leg humping dog of a husband in check, not be blaming the innocent victim.

Decline all social invites from them in the future and get ready for her to start talking shit about you.

This is not your fault at all but she will be pissed…people don’t like to have their heads pulled from the sand.

Thank goodness you are not close friends OP. or you would be in the middle of a right furore. Obviously ideally, you would of said something, but I 100% understand why you didn't. My younger self was in situations like this on many occasions, and didn't make a scene. I'd like to think I would be assertive now, but that's easy to say as I'm not targeted anymore. Hurrah for middle age invisabilty 🥳 Try to distract your thoughts to better things and avoid him like the plague.

Definitely not your fault. I can totally imagine how you felt hemmed in and didn't want to create a fuss and spoil your friend's night.
I'm interested in the comments you mention from your other friends, who asked you afterwards if you enjoyed being "creeped out". The tone of this suggests to me that it is a known "thing". I.e. they, or others, have experienced the same from this guy, and they noticed that it was you this time. They may even have been watching to see if he was up to his tricks. Even if not the case, I'm sure it's not the first time. Only a complete dick would hit on someone else's partner at their birthday (or anywhere). I feel sorry for the friend.
In terms of what you could have done, in hindsight, as someone else suggested perhaps you have quietly asked your husband to swap places with you, on your way back from the loo. But not always easy to think of these things when you are on the spot.

I'm sorry this happened to you;what a disgusting sexual predator.The chances are your friend knows what a sleaze he is but ignores it as to not rock the boat and blames the victim not the pervert.