If you could destroy your ex given the chance, would you?

[Shouldishouldnti2]

NC for this as this could be outing and wicked.

Bit of background…

My ex, been with for 10 years who I adored. I was pretty much the perfect partner, loyal, loving, supportive. However he constantly lied & cheated. Came home and he’d emptied his belongings 3 times. Each time was so cold and stonewalled, slept with other people each time he left, then stupidly managed to worm his way back in with his empty promises. Second time he left I found out I was pregnant, he forced me to have an abortion. After grovelling like an idiot I took him back, he proposed and planned a huge wedding, he cancelled the wedding without telling me, emptied our house and off he went again. Now this time he’s got his own rented house and I’ve just found out he’s been sleeping with someone else. Whenever he gets caught out he’s done his usual and begged to come back, get married, try for a baby etc.

Now I should point out that he has an exceptional job, one that my family funded for his training, so he wouldn’t have without me, one that any woman would find desirable, he’s very good looking, so he gets away with his behaviour because everyone thinks he’s the dogs danglies. His job is very well paid, however I started a company a few years ago that has had unbelievable success. We had/have an amazing property which I have managed to keep on alone. He is very materialistic and it’s the lifestyle I give him he loves, not me, I know that.

he is grovelling to come back…but I have such dirt on him that I could finish his career tomorrow. Without his job I don’t think anyone would give him the time of day, he would never be allowed to work in the industry again and it would finish him. I also could then discard him like the piece of shit he is and live our amazing life by myself, which would destroy him even further.

the question is, is it worth me destroying his life and leaving him wishing he never messed with me in the first place, or leaving him to charm his way through life causing a trail of destruction wherever he goes. He wouldn’t really give two shits if I turned my back for good, as he’ll have a string of woman that will want to be with him.

do I / don’t I?

If you have genuine reason to believe he is unsuitable to do his job, and evidence to corroborate this then it wouldn't be inappropriate to disclose it. I can't particularly see why it would be the moral high ground not to.

However, more importantly, you need to think long and hard and carefully, with a therapist, about why you allowed him back time after time, why your family invested large sums of money in training your boyfriend and in a wedding to a man who treated you the way he did.

The way to making changes for the better isn't these grand gensures- revenge meaning someone won't work again, lavish sticking plaster weddings. It's having the boundaries and self assurance to walk away in the first place.

Your dad needs to take him to court for the wedding monies.

No, because I no loner care about him. The opposite of love is not hate, anger and revenge. Its indifference. Work on yourself. leave him alone he's not worth it. I think it was Gandhi who said that '“Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” ... focus on yourself

OP - whistleblowing isn’t really what someone outside an industry does.
So here’s what I would do - depending on the circumstances.
Fraud - any kind - report to the employer and to the police if appropriate.
Don”t expect to remain anonymous because you won’t.
Sexual assault/rape/harassment- report to police. From personal experience, complaining or revealing the allegations to the employer will massively backfire on you. Believe me - I reported an assault (sexual but not rape) by a doctor. I’m currently in litigation because of that as the NHS, predictably chose not to believe me.
Covid related antics - I would not bother doing anything because no-one will care.
Deception eg elderly or vulnerable people manipulation - go to police.
Breach of GDPR- go to the ICO.
Neglect of a child - NSPCC first.
Racist or other discriminatory publications- go to employer and police
Professional misconduct- if criminal go to police and/or regulator.

I can’t really think of another thing that would “completely destroy “ a career.

But everything I’ve said depends on you not acting from malice (there are laws against malicious communication), on guesswork about unfounded allegations or suspicions (same reason), laws against revenge porn etc.

Presenting the story as you have leaves room for people just to think about the “desiring to see his downfall” aspect and not the potentially serious repercussions.

it does also read like the plot of a novel and that you are scoping out possibilities for the plot..

If it is a genuine concern then your father can start a county court claim against him. There are plenty of guides online.

Yes! Do it. Normally I’d say walk away but he’s screwed you over multiple times, stolen from your dad, got your hopes up about a proper life together and taken them away over and over again. Why should he walk around like nothing happened?

Do it. He has lied to you, cheated on you, stolen from your dad. All after you and your family helped him with his career. He should be thanking you constantly, not being a dickhead. Ruin him and feel no guilt. It's called karma and he has it coming.

This is hilarious and great advice!

If he's pissed off everyone anyway, I think he will be the master of his own demise without any input needed from you. The best way to deal with him is to ignore him and get on with your life.

What you are proposing sounds like something out of a soap opera. You'll only end up hurting yourself. Focus on yourself and let him get on with it.

With regard to your Dad's money, I'd get him to pursue this and start with a solicitor's letter.

I don't believe in the universe taking its own revenge so I'd probably lend it a hand in the name of natural justice.
Lots of people profit hugely from bad behaviour and ruining the lives of others, I don't think this is a good thing.

If he works somewhere there is a whistle blower policy in place, it is due to being in the public interest- and serious repercussions. So regardless of ins and outs of motivations, whistle blowing invariably is the right thing to do.

(Nb You're only protected as a whistle blower if you work in that field but you can whistle blow anonymously also)

20 years ago I gave up my UK life and moved countries to be with my ex due to a job opportunity of his. After 4 years living there he began an affair with a girl that worked for him in his office. When I found out I began checking my options and deciding what to do. I could not afford to live alone in this country so was looking at jobs and house shares etc. He swore he would move her to another office and not see her anymore. Few months later photographs appeared on social media of them at a works event, sat together all cosy. I realised he had never moved her. I instantly left my job, friends and life and moved home. I was devastated that my life was in tatters because he could not keep it in his trousers.
He moved home soon after and 12 years ago he married a new lady and they have 2 children together. She also has an older disabled son from a previous relationship that my ex has taken on and raised. I have heard rumours from his sister that over the years he has cheated on her. Then a few years ago a mutual friend sent me screenshots of a conversation he had with a friend of ours. He openly admitted to recently sleeping with her and was begging asking to see her again soon. He also sent several explicit photographs (some showing his bedroom in the background, others identifying tattoos so definitely him and definitely recent). I saved the screenshots in an email and have sat on them. I know I could cause him a heapload of marriage trouble. I know his family (his sisters I still see) would believe me. I have no intention of telling anyone or sending them to his wife. If I were her I would want to know. But I feel that, due to her complex life situation, she would never leave him and I would be vilified. Also I do not want to welcome him back into my life or be any part of this narrative.

The quote about poison is a Buddhist saying.

Ghandi said " Be the change you want to see in the world" which I guess equally applies here - making positive change starts with self.

Ok so I probably would do it to one specific ex. The amount of people he's fucked over is very high, so I assume that I'm far down the list of people who'd love to see his downfall.

However your plan is amateur and clumsy and if you are going to do it, you need to finesse it.
Just end it for good, cut all ties and then only in several months whistle blow because it's the right thing to do. Let someone else make him homeless and single. Keep your hands clean here.

I'd be very very tempted.

Yes I would , some
People need to learn

I wouldn't from the person your describe and the extent of the repercussions I think he would probably top himself.Wouldn't want that on my concense

A friend reported her ex husband to his employer for something he had done. He was subsequently dismissed. He assumed it was her and violently attacked her. Although she has physically recovered from her injuries, mentally she has not. She admits she really wished she hadn't of done it, so be very careful OP.

Oh I feel you, OP. I would want to, I would REALLY want to. In all honesty though, I don't think it would make you feel better about things after the initial rush of triumph wears off. I think later on you'd probably feel regret and shame.

The exception to this is if the behaviour you want to whistleblow involves hurting other innocent people in some way. In that case you need to report it for that reason alone rather any desire for revenge.

Yes if he is as bad as you e made him sound then I wouldn't hesitate.

Whilst this all reads like a daft fantasy, it’s worth pointing out that Whistleblowing policies don’t provide anonymity. They afford protection within the organisation against unfair sanctions or reprisals. But in order for an allegation to be actioned, the whistleblower usually needs to make a statement. Which would be disclosed to the those accused if it forms part of the evidence which it invariably would.

Unless you work for his organisation it doesn’t cover you. Anyone making substantive and career wrecking allegations won’t be able to remain anonymous.

If I could be sure it'd not come back to me, I do it

I would do what I can to get the money back but not if it meant having to pretend to take him back temporarily. Then I would cut all contact. Moving forward I would explore how to establish better boundaries for myself so when someone treats me badly I don’t hang around and let them do it again.

Sadly there are some absolute shits in the world but why would I want to do anything that takes me down to their level?

To add to above, I would whistleblow if it stopped him hurting others but not for revenge.

Ghandi said " Be the change you want to see in the world" which I guess equally applies here - making positive change starts with self.

Yes, I agree. Also modifying that to ‘be the person you want others to be’ also is helpful. It’s the Golden Rule

Nope my ex can pretty much blow up his own life without my help,he's a compulsive liar,& can hide everything,but there is always someone who knows something that comes to light... I knew when we split & he went to the other woman about some things he hadn't told her,debts,court dates,secret child etc but she has found out recently after having his baby,we have 2 kids he pays nothing but we have court in September for it,I'm in Ireland have to go to court for it,I've asked multiple times so I'm tired of being told I don't need/deserve it. When she found out about the child I got an email telling me,I already knew,& of course she added in abuse to go with it, I just told her he wasn't my problem anymore & good luck.... I'm glad I said nothing because this way I can't be accused of anything like jealousy which is there favourite go to when anything happens,he doesn't see the kids through his own decision but everything is still my fault 🤦🏻‍♀️🥱🥴🙄

@Shouldishouldnti2
If you're going to do it, timing-wise it WOULD be so obvious it was you despite him having other enemies.

Hold your nerve and wait for a year and then do it.

From my observations, arseholes like him always end up hanging themselves eventually all by themselves.