Dumped because I have children

[waveybaby]

First post... but I read on here all the time and you're all so lovely. Looking for support really.

I've been divorced three years and have three lovely children. I've been dating here and there since this time but I'd never really met anyone that made me feel like I'd want anything more with them.

Last year I met a lovely man who really blew my mind. We enjoyed spending time together so much, had lots of fun. He just felt like no one I had ever met before. He'd been single for 3 years, hadn't been dating and just seemed to really know what he wanted and had his shit together. Things progressed at a nice pace, we dated for around 6 weeks, then decided to make to exclusive (even though we weren't seeing other people anyway for the initial bit) and then a couple of months later decided to put the "title" on things. I didn't feel love-bombed at the time.... I'm so cautious and I think the fact that he'd been single and cautious himself for so long made me feel that he must really be genuine about me, as I was him. We were together a year in total.

He has always, always known that I have 3 children. We are both early 30s. He would like a child or 2 of his own one day, and when things started to get a bit more serious we had these discussions and I told him for the right person I would have more children. I know a year isn't a long time but due to both our ages and the fact he hasn't got any of his own it seemed reasonable to have the discussions so we didn't waste each other's time.

After making things "official" he was very excited for me to meet his family, friends, workmates... took me to events, his sisters wedding, anniversaries. Everything just seemed so great and I couldn't believe my luck tbh.

At around the 5 month point of the relationship, he had a massive wobble. This was after a family dinner where he had exploded at his mother and stormed off. I'd never seen him like this. When we got home, he told me that he was anxious, agitated and just not happy at the moment. He said he needed to concentrate on work, and himself. He also mentioned my children and not being sure about three children and potentially hurting all of us if things didn't work out (he hadn't met them at this point). I was in complete shock as I never saw any signs up until this night that he was unhappy, everything had seemed perfect. I was upset, but I accepted what he said gracefully, left, and went N/C. It blindsided me so I really felt it.

2 weeks later he got in contact and told me he was so sorry, that he was having issues with his M/H and had hurt the people he cares about most in the process, myself and his family. He asked to meet up and discuss things. I cared about him so much, so I did. He discussed his feelings for me, how much he loved me and how strongly he felt for me, that he'd never met anyone like me. He seemed genuinely sorry, said he was overwhelmed with feelings for me and when he's in a bad place he pushes people away. I do accept he was in a bad place, he has a job in the public eye and has a lot of professional pressure. He said he'd thought about the children and that it was just something said when he was trying to push me away.

Since this time things seemed to go from strength to strength, we were closer than ever. I told him I was happy to take it slow with the children, however a month later he pushed to meet them. Everything went well, however have still be taking it slow. I have 50:50 so plenty of time together on our own. We ended up staying together 2 weeks of the month and beginning to live a lovely little normal life together. He invited the children and I to events and things in his life. A couple of months ago he asked for his parents to meet the children. I let him know I was wary of this, however he reassured me and said it meant a lot to him, so I went a long with it. Through all his words and actions I really, truly thought he was genuine. He told me he was "all in", and how happy he was. He only a few weeks ago told me he wanted my children to know he "wasn't just a friend".

A 2 weeks ago, he began to go into a bad place mentally again. He decided to take a break from work for mental health, it looks like his career may be at an end and it's hitting him hard. I was so worried about him, and I've tried to support him however I can. I had a bit of anxiety surround the last time he struggled with his mental health, how I was essentially "cut off". I communicated this to him and he told me it was absolutely nothing to do with us, that he is so happy personally and that it is just work. He told me he never wanted to be apart from me ever, and that he needed to get himself better.

However- here we are. He ended things, again. I went to see him at the start of the week. He told me how much he loves me, how he knows he will never meet anyone like me, how great our relationship is. His reason for ending it was because of the children, that he just "can't get his head to accept it", and worries about the future and having potentially 4 or 5 little ones to take care of. He cried and cried and cried when he told me this. He said he will love me for a "long long time" and knew that breaking up with me would push him into an even darker place, however ultimately he didn't think it was fair on me to continue when this is in the back of his mind.

I accepted this, however I did ask him why he has chosen to continue the relationship, allow things to get more serious (in fact push for things to be more serious himself), if he wasn't quite sure. Again, he has always known I've got children and has had a few opportunities to opt out now, including at 5 months in. He didn't need to come back and could have left things and let me move on. He told me that he felt so strongly and deeply about me that he felt he needed to give it a fair chance. I asked if he'd had these feelings for long (as again, I had no indication) and he admitted that it had only been since he mental health went down hill a couple of weeks ago.

Obviously I'm blindsided and devastated again, I love and care for this man so so much. But of course I know if I am to meet someone it needs to be someone who can accept that part of my life. He's continued to text me since, telling me how much he loves me. I don't want to hold out hope of patching things up again, as I know if we did I couldn't keep going through this potentially every so many months.

How do I begin to feel better? I'm struggling with the thought of trusting anyone or ever letting another person in again. I also miss him so much already. I am properly heartbroken. Part of me feels the children is an easy reason to end things, as it's not something I can change, part of me feels like he is using it as a reason to push me away again, however I need to accept it.

Go no contact. Block and delete. One last message to say that’s what you want and saying you know that he will respect your wishes.

Then it’s just a case of time and keeping busy and being kind to yourself Counselling if you feel it would help.

But definitely do not give him the chance to raise your hopes again. He sounds really immature

I suspect he’ll be back, but he sounds like hard work. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with you and DC navigating your way around this drama queen’s mood swings?

I suspect the thought of children was different to things progressing and it becoming a real reality and the logistics and emotions that come with that. It is heartbreaking and frustrating it took him so long- only you know if he was stringing you along or if he was genuinely on board and changed his mind. Agree with blocking so you aren't tempted.

Life is hard enough building relationships when you have children. I would say it’s harder when you’re with someone who is older but never had children - there are some parental things they just don’t get.

As someone who has married again and we both had DCs - so understand how they have to come first - I would walk away from this man. You will end up with a lot of drama in your life which is only likely to increase as your children reach teens. It doesn’t seem like this man would be a stable and calm presence in all of your lives.

A ready made family is a lot to take on. I was in a similar position and luckily it worked out and we went on to get married. But I've definitely dated guys in the past who struggled with it. It's one thing saying they can do it, but putting it in practice is another thing entirely. If he really loved you though he would be with you under any circumstance. This is a major sign that he isn't right for you.

I'm so sorry 💐

I think he means it when he says he lives you & I think he's being truthful when he's mentally strong and that then the kids don't seem like an insurmountable issue, but when he's not mentally strong, taking on 3 kids & adding in a couple more is overwhelming for him.

I think he was 'pushing it' because it's what his 'well' self wants & can cope with, but unfortunately his MH isn't stable enough.

I'm sure he's devastated.

Sadly, I think you have to do the right thing for your children & either end it, or continue long term together, but separately from the children. I couldn't do that, so I'd sadly end it.

sgain, I'm sorry you're going through this

Please take my advice as tough love. I don't think it's unreasonable that you wanted to find love again however being a single mother complicates things as you have found out and it's important to remember your priorities and be extra ruthless when you date because there are children involved.

At around the 5 month point of the relationship, he had a massive wobble. This was after a family dinner where he had exploded at his mother and stormed off.
THAT there should have been game over.

He seemed genuinely sorry, said he was overwhelmed with feelings for me and when he's in a bad place he pushes people away. I do accept he was in a bad place, he has a job in the public eye and has a lot of professional pressure. He said he'd thought about the children and that it was just something said when he was trying to push me away.

OK fine he was genuinely sorry you can forgive him but why take him back?! Why would you be with someone who uses your children as something to push you away with and more importantly why do you allow this? You're putting this man you've known for what 5 months or a year by then over yourself and your 3 children.

however I did ask him why he has chosen to continue the relationship, allow things to get more serious (in fact push for things to be more serious himself), if he wasn't quite sure.

You could ask yourself the same question when he revealed his true feelings to you once already

Obviously I'm blindsided and devastated again

Really?! Blindsided?! He already showed and told you how he feels once. What's that saying about fool me once, fool me twice?

He's continued to text me since, telling me how much he loves me.

Block him and make a clean break. He will continue to text you until he finds a childfree girlfriend.

How do I begin to feel better? I'm struggling with the thought of trusting anyone or ever letting another person in again. I also miss him so much already. I am properly heartbroken. Part of me feels the children is an easy reason to end things, as it's not something I can change, part of me feels like he is using it as a reason to push me away again, however I need to accept it.

You're right you need to accept it. Focus on yourself and your children and forget men for a good few years. You don't need to trust any new men you need to be alone and focus on yourself and children.

Your kids are massively important, whereas his mother's opinion about who her adult son is dating is not. But any new relationship with 3 young kids is going to be more hassle than it's worth, so don't stress or keep thinking what if.

End it, block, forget men till the dc are late teens.

This man isn’t normal - this isn’t going to happen with everyone you meet.

It sounds like he has some major issues going on and I don’t know if it’s to do with the children or not or if he’s just using that as an excuse.

Either way, he has done you a favour as if this relationship continued you and your children would be constantly walking on egg shells waiting for the next ‘breakdown’ and living your life around his mood swings.

My concern is he’ll contact you in a few days with some sob story about his MH and try and show you again how much he wants you and your DCs in his life and you’ll fall for it and you’ll keep going in this cycle.

Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice, it really means a lot x

I agree, and feel like he has potentially idealised me and the relationship, maybe loved me on my own but not the other part of my life.
I get that three children is a huge deal. For context I own my own house outright, have a good job and my kids have a great dad. I don't need anything from anyone, just someone who can accept my life as it is and love me for it. He said he did.
It's clear he just doesn't love me enough, that his love doesn't stretch that far.

Thank you so much. Your post makes a lot of sense. I know he has struggled with MH for many years because of his career.
I suspect there is a lot of truth in what you are saying- when he is mentally well he may truly believe he can do it, but when he isn't it seems like a huge thing that he cannot take on.
This would explain why his actions etc haven't matched up to him coming to this conclusion x

Sorry you are going through this op.
I personally think he sounds like an immature arse, quite frankly. It isn't about you or your children, its about him throwing a temper tantrum when things don't go his way.
The exploding at his mother would have been my first red get the hell out of there flag. Saying he hurts the people he loves the most is cowardly; he is basically telling you that he lashes out at the people he can get away with it with. Thank goodness your children weren't there or didn't get close.

I agree with everything you've said, thank you for the tough love.
I should have run a mile the first time, I should have never accepted it.
You're right, he's told me then how he felt. It my choice to believe his reasons, in hindsight I shouldn't have given it another chance.
I just truly in my heart believed him, maybe a bit still do. I loved him. He promised he had thought about everything so deeply, loved me etc etc.

I remember telling him that the right person would love me for everything in my life, children include, appreciate how hardworking I am, what a great mum I am, that for the right person who truly loves me that it wouldn't be an obstacle. He told me that that was exactly how he felt about me. I wish I'd never listened but I honestly thought we really had something special. I was naive, I guess.

However I know that even if he comes back again, I couldn't continue to go through this.
He clearly doesn't know what he wants, after all.

Just so difficult to comprehend when nothing he has done in the meantime has given me this feeling at all. He's been the most loving, kind and caring boyfriend, and done all the right things.

Yes I agree, this isn't normal at all.
I really thought it was just one wobble, one moment. And believed it. I should never have settled for it.
He really is a kind and caring person, he made me feel very special and cared about. Maybe I idealised things as well?

I do think he has deep issues in hindsight given everything that has happened.
He's in his 30s and has only had two medium term relationships in his life. One for 2 years and the other for 18 months. I told myself it was because he is picky, knows what he wants, doesn't get into relationships lightly etc but I probably should have seen it as a red flag.

You need to prioritise your kids.

Thank you.
I've never ever seen him lash out at anyone, other than that one time. He's usually very quiet, calm and sensitive. It really did shock me. And yes, I should have seen it as a massive red flag though.

Pushing people away yes, I can see now when he's struggling he really goes within himself. I again should have seen it as a massive red flag that he admitted pushing me away and other people when he was struggling.

I just don't think he knows what he really wants.

I do prioritise my kids. I'd been single for 3, almost 4 years.

I've made a mistake in meeting someone who I initially thought was great, and made me really happy.

I should have left it at the first red flag, and I'm kicking myself now that I didn't, as obviously it hurts even more than the first time. I definitely won't be looking to date or get to know anyone again for a long long time.

It's hard going but it's best you focus on recovering from end of the relationship and block him. Tell him it's fully over, Stop listening to him or reading his "but I love you" texts, his emotional journey now is nothing to do with you.
He's not sure about your children, you have children, end of.

Whatever you thought he was, he isn't. He isn't the man for you as he is hurting your children, by insisting on meeting them, playing happy families, introducing them to his family and then saying he can't do it, breaking their mums heart with all this backwards and forwards because "he loves you but isn't sure he can do children" Those children you had all along. .

So ultimately he feels, He can't do children - actually they are little individuals who are your world- he's done this twice to your children now in a year.

The future with him (even if he wants to come back) will be full of these let downs and his breaking it off letting you and your children down. He lies. He tells you what he thinks you want to hear as he gets carried away, he's not genuine nor an emotionally mature man . There are genuine down to earth men out there. You'll find one right for you who doesn't send your lives into a roller coaster.

You know what? It isn't what normal people do. He simply isn't cut out to be a parent or a step parent. You'll find a great person who is.

If he wants 2 of his own children that will make it 5 children all together to house, feed etc. For you it would be difficult to work or you would have to spend what you earn on childcare and if you have your kids 50/50 then you're not getting a lot of maintenance? Unless a man is really settled financially etc it's a lot to take on. Then there are all logistics of running a big family - not everyone is made for that.

You would be way more suited with someone who already has children or someone who can afford and likes the idea of big family.

It's a shame he was so indecisive about the relationship and I can completely get why you feel hurt and confused but it's better to let him go now then suffer later.

I suspect he will be. He told me he knew he would regret it when he feels better, however atm he feels "overwhelmed".

And yes I made it very very clear to him, that I wouldn't be going through this again, that it wouldn't be fair on any of us.

This

Also I would a

He has mental health issues.

Im sure he's lovely in many ways but he's he's a suitable, stable person to have in you or your kids lives.

He had already subjected your kids to the confusing and destabilising experience of being introduced to his family, at important events etc and then ended his relationship with you (and by default, them too). That's a rejection of sorts that they don't they don't subjected to, or to have to rationalise.

I don't think he even sounds like a good bet for a "new" family, let a a blended one. I feel sorry for the woman ge eventually has kids with (Presuming he does).

A year may feel like a long time but in reality it's not; it takes a year or more for things to pan out sometimes. I'd actually recommend not introducing kids for a year or two, regardless of what your bf is saying.

Also I would add - please don't c