First post... but I read on here all the time and you're all so lovely. Looking for support really.
I've been divorced three years and have three lovely children. I've been dating here and there since this time but I'd never really met anyone that made me feel like I'd want anything more with them.
Last year I met a lovely man who really blew my mind. We enjoyed spending time together so much, had lots of fun. He just felt like no one I had ever met before. He'd been single for 3 years, hadn't been dating and just seemed to really know what he wanted and had his shit together. Things progressed at a nice pace, we dated for around 6 weeks, then decided to make to exclusive (even though we weren't seeing other people anyway for the initial bit) and then a couple of months later decided to put the "title" on things. I didn't feel love-bombed at the time.... I'm so cautious and I think the fact that he'd been single and cautious himself for so long made me feel that he must really be genuine about me, as I was him. We were together a year in total.
He has always, always known that I have 3 children. We are both early 30s. He would like a child or 2 of his own one day, and when things started to get a bit more serious we had these discussions and I told him for the right person I would have more children. I know a year isn't a long time but due to both our ages and the fact he hasn't got any of his own it seemed reasonable to have the discussions so we didn't waste each other's time.
After making things "official" he was very excited for me to meet his family, friends, workmates... took me to events, his sisters wedding, anniversaries. Everything just seemed so great and I couldn't believe my luck tbh.
At around the 5 month point of the relationship, he had a massive wobble. This was after a family dinner where he had exploded at his mother and stormed off. I'd never seen him like this. When we got home, he told me that he was anxious, agitated and just not happy at the moment. He said he needed to concentrate on work, and himself. He also mentioned my children and not being sure about three children and potentially hurting all of us if things didn't work out (he hadn't met them at this point). I was in complete shock as I never saw any signs up until this night that he was unhappy, everything had seemed perfect. I was upset, but I accepted what he said gracefully, left, and went N/C. It blindsided me so I really felt it.
2 weeks later he got in contact and told me he was so sorry, that he was having issues with his M/H and had hurt the people he cares about most in the process, myself and his family. He asked to meet up and discuss things. I cared about him so much, so I did. He discussed his feelings for me, how much he loved me and how strongly he felt for me, that he'd never met anyone like me. He seemed genuinely sorry, said he was overwhelmed with feelings for me and when he's in a bad place he pushes people away. I do accept he was in a bad place, he has a job in the public eye and has a lot of professional pressure. He said he'd thought about the children and that it was just something said when he was trying to push me away.
Since this time things seemed to go from strength to strength, we were closer than ever. I told him I was happy to take it slow with the children, however a month later he pushed to meet them. Everything went well, however have still be taking it slow. I have 50:50 so plenty of time together on our own. We ended up staying together 2 weeks of the month and beginning to live a lovely little normal life together. He invited the children and I to events and things in his life. A couple of months ago he asked for his parents to meet the children. I let him know I was wary of this, however he reassured me and said it meant a lot to him, so I went a long with it. Through all his words and actions I really, truly thought he was genuine. He told me he was "all in", and how happy he was. He only a few weeks ago told me he wanted my children to know he "wasn't just a friend".
A 2 weeks ago, he began to go into a bad place mentally again. He decided to take a break from work for mental health, it looks like his career may be at an end and it's hitting him hard. I was so worried about him, and I've tried to support him however I can. I had a bit of anxiety surround the last time he struggled with his mental health, how I was essentially "cut off". I communicated this to him and he told me it was absolutely nothing to do with us, that he is so happy personally and that it is just work. He told me he never wanted to be apart from me ever, and that he needed to get himself better.
However- here we are. He ended things, again. I went to see him at the start of the week. He told me how much he loves me, how he knows he will never meet anyone like me, how great our relationship is. His reason for ending it was because of the children, that he just "can't get his head to accept it", and worries about the future and having potentially 4 or 5 little ones to take care of. He cried and cried and cried when he told me this. He said he will love me for a "long long time" and knew that breaking up with me would push him into an even darker place, however ultimately he didn't think it was fair on me to continue when this is in the back of his mind.
I accepted this, however I did ask him why he has chosen to continue the relationship, allow things to get more serious (in fact push for things to be more serious himself), if he wasn't quite sure. Again, he has always known I've got children and has had a few opportunities to opt out now, including at 5 months in. He didn't need to come back and could have left things and let me move on. He told me that he felt so strongly and deeply about me that he felt he needed to give it a fair chance. I asked if he'd had these feelings for long (as again, I had no indication) and he admitted that it had only been since he mental health went down hill a couple of weeks ago.
Obviously I'm blindsided and devastated again, I love and care for this man so so much. But of course I know if I am to meet someone it needs to be someone who can accept that part of my life. He's continued to text me since, telling me how much he loves me. I don't want to hold out hope of patching things up again, as I know if we did I couldn't keep going through this potentially every so many months.
How do I begin to feel better? I'm struggling with the thought of trusting anyone or ever letting another person in again. I also miss him so much already. I am properly heartbroken. Part of me feels the children is an easy reason to end things, as it's not something I can change, part of me feels like he is using it as a reason to push me away again, however I need to accept it.