How to nip an intense mutual attraction in the bud?

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As the title suggests I'm in a situation where I've developed an intense and unfortunately mutual attraction to a man I have to see regularly. I am 45 and he is 51. We are both happily marrried for decades and have no desire to screw our lives up but the attraction is huge on both sides. We've done nothing but other people have already commented on the tension between us.

Has anyone else dealt with a situation like this and is there an easy fix to nip this in the bud?

This .. he's only been your neighbour for six months I'll guarantee he has a pattern of doing this.. don't get pulled in it's all a game to him..

I agree!

Sorry OP but I bet you aren’t the only women on the street either.

The biggest red flag here is him saying he has feelings for you when you’re both married - most people would have told him where to go but he knew you wouldn’t.
This is his game.

The wording you are using is also worrying and I’m sorry but it sounds like you are getting played here.
You say the other neighbours know you fancy him which not only is it quite cringey but it’s also very dangerous territory.

Stay away and if you’re going to have a crush or even an affair (not recommended) don’t do it with your neighbour as when the shit hits the fan (which it will) you’ll ruin your entire life.

Stop acting desperate and tell him that you don’t feel the same way and it’s best you stop seeing each other.

I also share a drive with neighbours. We both have dogs we walk locally too. I find it incredibly easy to avoid them. Why don’t you?

Of course you know how to nip it in the bud. You are choosing not to. Shame on you.

Agree with this

Another here who thinks you are being given a hard time by many on here .

I think you're being honest ,it is lovely to be admired and found sexy .

I don't know what to suggest -I like the imagine yourself at a crossroads comment . Esther Perel talks about affairs giving people a sense of rediscovering themselves ,I think in the talk linked below ,but might be a different one .
www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved?language=en

Would tiring yourself out physically help ? Any libido reducing herbs/vitamins/minerals ?

“We've spoken about it and he's told me, its also obvious, you know how you can just tell? I know people will say you spoke about it, its already an emotional affair but we had to talk to co-ordinate not seeing each other so much.”

Your first step is to take responsibility - it seems like you’d like to think you’re taking responsibility but you aren’t. AT ALL. ‘It’s not limerence / we HAD to talk / he can’t help himself’. All bullshit. No, you did not in any way, shape or form have to discuss this with him - huge no, no, huge betrayal of your husband. You disengage with him. Full stop. Stop making excuses, take some responsibility for yourself and your marriage, and stop behaving as though you’re being swept by some forceful tide.

Get a hold of yourself! We're human beings, not animals driven by urges to propogate the species. Youre being driven by your ego. If you cant respect yourself or your poor husband and family, have a think about his wife and kids. every single post is you defending this 'feeling' and speaking about him like he's some kind of god or rock star. Grow up and take control of your choices. You are not helpless. So either take control of your feefees and stand by your family, or blow the whole thing apart. Your choice. And by the way, doing nothing and being swept along in the stream is also a choice.

this is exactly how I feel! Someone quoted my post saying their 61 year old partner was lying next to them in bed half naked and they’re their best friend or something. Totally irrelevant.

it’s not someone of that age having sex or whatever that is the issue - obviously that would be insanely unreasonable to think - it’s the fact someone of that age is behaving as if they can’t control their dick. That’s what is repulsive.

The ‘wagging their tail like a puppy’ every time the OP is around, it’s just gross to me.

I agree. I’ve been consumingly attracted to a friend for the last couple of months. He’s divorced, but I’m happily married, and, while I can’t do anything about the feelings, I can make sure they remain private. The difference is that he is oblivious to any attraction on my part, and certainly doesn’t share it. (Also I find when you’ve got a face like a robber’s dog, it’s quite easy not to make any moves or imagine a reciprocal attraction, plus this is a genuinely nice man, who would never act on an attraction to someone married.)

Like a pp, I want to know how on earth you got to the stage of talking about your attraction to your crush object?

I agree, though, that the advice to imagine him on the loo or with smelly feet is beside the point.

All this 'I'm not a robot, I can't help my feelings, this is bigger than both of us' shite isn't doing you any favours and it's also rubbish.

I was a physio and managed to refrain from shagging any of my patients, simply by telling myself 'patient, not potential shag'.

Be a 'professional neighbour'. Maintain a neighbourly persona. Only allow yourself to think of him as a neighbour. The minute you think of him as anything else, remind yourself how entirely inappropriate it is and shift your focus.

This isn't something special, and a deep and meaningful connection. It's a temporary fancy because you are bored and he's sighted an easy lay.

We're human beings, not animals driven by urges to propogate the species.

We are literally animals driven by urges. We're not alien or divine.

Start to think about all the negative things about him and focus on those. Find the ick!

I wonder if you could take a deep breath and tell your husband, OP.

It'll be awful and absolutely not what you want to do but at the moment your neighbour is at the top of your "emotional hierarchy" - he knows and sees you in a powerful way, as he sees your desire. Your husband doesn't know something crucial.
about your feelings. This will erode your closeness. You need to find a way to put your husband back with you, back in tune, so you're in the 'inner circle' together and the neighbour is on the outside.

You have some information about yourself right now- that you are open to this addictive, rush-like feeling. You might take it as a signal about your marriage. Explore with your husband how things are for him. Who knows, he might have his own crush?! No real joy without authenticity - and a relationship where you and DH can say "You know you want the neighbour, well that's ok, it's because we both have powerful needs, how can we meet them?" .

Take the guilt out, take the sting out, that's what will take the excitement out of it too.

I like this advice.

It’s giddy and exciting at this point. But the sex might be crap. He might go Raaaah like a lion, or refer to his cock as Mini Pete. And if you split up with your husband, and get it on with your neighbour, a few months or years down the line it will just be putting someone else’s bins out and taking someone else’s kids to school. You’ll be irritated by him leaving the loo seat up and mopping up Mini Pete’s pee sprinkles from the floor. At that point you’ll compare him with your husband and wonder what you’ve done.

Did the neighbour who noticed say it directly to you? If not be careful he’s not playing games. What do you know about this guy? How did they come to move to your are? Has he done this in his last place? Some men are just players don’t get dragged into his drama.

I love all the people who can tell their DPs that they fancy the neighbour. I wish my relationship were like this. I honestly would be fine if DP told me this, but there is no way he would be if I told him. He would probably walk out.

OP - it's intense but it's just a phase. You don't know him, you probably wouldn't be long term compatible anyway. Try to see it as a positive. It's fun to feel this way and entertain a fantasy. But as soon as it spills out into the real world it's no longer guilt free. If you act on it, when the feeling goes you will just be fucked. If you don't act on it, when the feeling goes you will have enjoyed feeling like you're 14 again with no bad consequences, good times.

Sounds like you are treading on dangerous ground. You are attracted to each other and you both know it - you're developing a secret. Did you tell anyone else what the other neighbour said? Or is this another secret? Stop creating secrets between you. Tell your partners instead.

You said 'we're trying to avoid each other' There should be no 'we' no collective agreed action. You need to reframe it as I am trying to avoid him - stop concerning yourself with what he does, you can only be intersted in 'you'.

The best way to extinguish it is to confess to your partners. Say you have a teenage crush and once you each say that out loud to your OHs it will become unexciting. Like talking to your Mum about anal sex. Doesn’t happen.

He sees me looking like crap and picking up my dogs shit and then carrying it about for 20 minutes and he'd still jump me if I gave him the nod

And you know this HOW?

The very fact that you do know this, means that you have already crossed a line.

This

People suggesting they tell their OHs……then what? They are neighbours! Someone will have to sell up

completely agree with CallOnMe

I would never find a guy who does this sort of thing to his wife/partner attractive, he's a cheat & liar at best!

Then you stop talking to your neighbours. Happens every day. Least big deal ever.

Stay away from him as much as you can. Conversations should just be polite and professional