How to nip an intense mutual attraction in the bud?

[raisinkrumbs]

As the title suggests I'm in a situation where I've developed an intense and unfortunately mutual attraction to a man I have to see regularly. I am 45 and he is 51. We are both happily marrried for decades and have no desire to screw our lives up but the attraction is huge on both sides. We've done nothing but other people have already commented on the tension between us.

Has anyone else dealt with a situation like this and is there an easy fix to nip this in the bud?

Honestly - in these cases, I find that the men are interested only in getting laid, for the most part.

What you are thinking about all this might not be what he thinks.

Keep well away from him.

Maybe having sex with him will nip it in the bud.

I agree

A sensible plan 😉

We've done nothing but other people have already commented on the tension between us.

So would that "tension" be you both openly flirting with each other in plain sight in front of people who know you're both happily married to other people.

why not call it what it is, if so.

I feel for your respective partners.

Excellent summation.

I don't think he can help himself but i do think we are both trying

poor lamb, he just needs to really concentrate and apply himself.

i bet his wife is suspicious . she may not of said anything but women have a sixth sense with these situations, if the neighbours have noticed she will have noticed
sounds to me like your loving the attention and the chase and deep down you don't want it to stop
by december your be starting a thread on the relationships board about how your husband is devorcing you and you have lost everything and the ndn is still with his wife
but it doesn't matter how much advice we give you
you going to do it anyway
good luck

Ok so you can't avoid him, but you can say a cheery hello and keep moving, don't engage in conversation and stay polite but detached. Feeling how you do doesn't make you a bad person but acting on it would so you just have to concentrate on not putting yourself in the danger zone.

Sorry you aren’t going to like what I am saying, but… he just wants a shag, and you are looking the easy option. Cut contact otherwise you will end up looking a fool, don’t shit on your own doorstep, ever heard that advice? That is exactly what you will be doing, imagine both of your partners finding out and the problems this will cause, he’s a neighbour fgs, no way can this behaviour not be noticeable. You sound like a silly teenager tbh. There must be problems in your marriage OP, no way would you be so giddy about another man otherwise. I feel for both of your partners, this has car crash written all over it.

Imagine you had a crazy crush on a movie star or a singer. What would happen if he moved next door ? Nothing. Because you would not be trying to build a secret relationship with him. Talk to your husband? Tell him what going on. It will be dead cold in a few seconds. The secrecy is making it grow. Laugh it out, whatever. Your hubby is supposedly your best friend. Fix the fence. Put back some boundaries on your side. Focus on you and the damage that you could do to your own family. Sex starts in the head. Stop it right there. Fancy your husband for real. You are giving this guy headspace that does not belong to him. He's stealing. And you are his accomplice. Turn it round. Your husband fancying another woman and you will see it right away. Stop talking to the guy. For a day, then two. Go elsewhere even for the weekend. Go cold. Yes you can do it. If you ever cheat there is a 99.9 chance that your marriage will end. Men are not good at forgiving. In all likelihood his wife will take him back. Be wise. You did nothing wrong, you are not a bad person. Yes you can help it not go further.

is there an easy fix to nip this in the bud?

Good old fashioned self control

Check. And a bunch of roses to you two.

Some of the snarky comments on here are because it's never happened to them. It's not something you ask for. It's not as easy as you still love your husband and the sex is fine, it is something else. Unless it's happened to you, you wouldn't understand. It's not as basic as "fancying" another person.

I can only advise that you fix this moment in your mind. In this moment, nothing has happened but you are at a crossroads. If you choose to pursue the matter and it sets of a chain of horrendous events for both families you will look back at this moment and wish you could go back and stop it all.

Where’s your husband in all of this? If you’re devoting this much energy to a scenario you appear to be building up with excitement in your head then your marriage must be suffering from your attention being elsewhere.

Read some of the infidelity threads on here and see the utter destruction it causes. Or imagine how you would feel if your DH was doing this. If he was laid next to you in bed, fantasising about shagging the next door neighbour, going on cosy little “tension filled” dog walks with her……..

Not RTFT.

I'm quite pragmatic in these situations.

Attraction happens. It's a reminder that you're both human. You don't need to act on it in anyway.

Sometimes, when there is chemistry there, it's not a conscious thing you are doing that other people pick up on.

I've been with someone for coming up to a year. He was with someone else when we first met a few years ago. Apparently, he had a huge crush on me and, as time went on, fell in love with me. I had no idea. I thought he'd barely noticed me because he kept away from me. When we got together, all our mutual friends said they knew I'd been in love with him too because they could sense it.

It was news to me - unavailable men aren't even on my radar and, until they split up, I'd never even thought about whether I was attracted to him or not. But, on reflection, they were right. 'Chemistry' is sometimes just there.

But that's all it is. You have no idea if you'd be compatible together, no idea what he's like 'behind closed doors', no idea what a relationship would look like. Just remind yourself of these things and continue to avoid him as much as possible.

Tell your husband. Get him to walk the dog. Don’t throw your marriage away over a crush that will burn out. I agree he’s probably got form and you’re the latest in a long line of women that he flirts with to boost his ego.

There are some unnecessarily brutal responses on this thread. OP - the fantasy is not the same as what the reality would be which is seedy, grim and hopeless. And that’s best case scenario - the sex would probably be crap as well. The best way to deal with it is to avoid him. Just because he lives next door doesn’t mean you need to see him, at all. It will soon fade and you’ll thank fuck you didn’t go there and decimate your marriage.

“There are some unnecessarily brutal responses on this thread. OP - the fantasy is not the same as what the reality would be which is seedy, grim and hopeless. And that’s best case scenario - the sex would probably be crap as well. The best way to deal with it is to avoid him. Just because he lives next door doesn’t mean you need to see him, at all. It will soon fade and you’ll thank fuck you didn’t go there and decimate your marriage.”

This with bells on. Attraction to other people happens - it’s not a sign something is missing from your marriage and indeed marriage vows reflect that it happens (hence the instruction to forsake all others) - it’s how you handle it that matters. For me, the fact that he raised it with you suggests he has form for this and the fact that you entertained the discussion means you have done something. But you don’t need to go any further. As a PP suggested, your husband can be the beneficiary of the additional energy this has given you.

Resist, OP.

Sometimes the thought of 'what might have been' is actually a rosier glow of a memory than the sordidness of what happens if you succumb to temptation and end up destroying long-term relationships and family happiness.

I think you're completely kidding yourself here OP. You're loving this. When he told you he was into you (which is completely inappropriate but you're making excuses for it anyway) you should have been cold and rude to him. No one should be trying it on with someone else's wife - you seem desperate not to think he's a sleeze though and that this is some sort of desperate love story that can never be.

He is trying his luck with you and I doubt it's anything on his side like it is on yours - he wants a side shag and he thinks you might be up for it if he plays the 'really nice but just can't help himself' guy. If he was really nice he wouldn't be telling married women he was into them while being married himself would he? I've been married 25 years and wouldn't dream of doing that no matter how gorgeous someone was or how well we clicked. It's called loyalty and being satisfied with what you have already not always thinking the grass is greener. The whole thing sounds grim to me and i think you need to grow up, you're not 15 ffs.

@feistyoneyouare @RosesAndHellebores
@Sugarpiehoney

I don't want to speak on behalf of other posters but for me the idea of a man who is old enough to know better going around like an over-excited dog with two dicks is unseemly!
It's not that I feel 51 year olds shouldn't be having sex, I just think that 51 is too old for a man (especially married man) to be making a fool of himself by listening to his penis.
OP most people would be secretly flattered by this situation but you are enjoying it a bit too much. All of this "he can't help himself" malarkey is a bit smug. I would urge you to read some of the more red-blooded comments on this thread and think hard. You are probably already making a total tit of yourself over a man who quite obviously has form for this sort of thing.

That was my post. Not gleeful at all. Its my actual life. My husband left me and our 2 and 3 year-old for a 17 year old work colleague. She is now granny X to my beautiful grandchild. Even after all these years, and having to accept that she attends graduations and weddings, and every other special event in my sons lives, that is the most excruciating. I didn't have the affair, he did and the ripples of shit are always there. Not gleeful at all.

So wise! Lots of great advice op on here listen to them.

I have a friend who cheated a couple of times on her first husband. She then married to one of the other men. She kept talking about intense feelings, not being able to resist and all that. Not sure if she's cheated to her second husband (yet).

I never got it.

When I'm in a relationship I just view all other men in a different way.

I think it comes to one's belief system.

You believe there's no harm in this, don't you? You believe that because you shouldn't' this is even more exciting.