How to nip an intense mutual attraction in the bud?

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As the title suggests I'm in a situation where I've developed an intense and unfortunately mutual attraction to a man I have to see regularly. I am 45 and he is 51. We are both happily marrried for decades and have no desire to screw our lives up but the attraction is huge on both sides. We've done nothing but other people have already commented on the tension between us.

Has anyone else dealt with a situation like this and is there an easy fix to nip this in the bud?

Honestly OP, how old are you? Crushes can possibly happen, even when married.

Unless you are prepared to leave your husband, don’t act on it. Stop seeing this man alone, just stop. You are not 5 and the neighbour is not a piece of chocolate. You have some agency here.

Go out for a nice dinner with your husband and re-discover why you fell for your husband.

Thanks for all the replies, I have read them all and appreciate everyone who took the time to reply, I especially apprecated the people who have been there and had similar experiences that was really comforting. I've have a very long think this morning and I think I've come to see that its the thought of walking away and leaving it all unresolved and with no closure that is bothering me. I've always had an issue with that sort of thing no just in terms of romantic relationships but everything. Its the not knowing what could have been good and bad that drives me crazy but the truth is that its impossible to know every tiny permutation of what life would have been if you did things differently and sometimes you just have to accept that.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that there is no closure, only moving on, leaving things unresolved in the past. Moving on sounds dramatic like you need to shake up your life, get a new job, move country, get a new look etc but it can be as simple as just living your life, tidying up, cleaning the bathroom, making a plan to cook a nice meal and watch a film, reading a book etc. Its just not staying stuck in an unresolved situation, its taking action however small to move yourself forward. So that is what I am going to do starting from now, I'm going to listen to a funny podcast and clean the bathroom, then later i'm going to cook something really nice for dinner that my husband will love, watch a film and have a really nice weekend with him, maybe take the dog down the coast (with my Husband) for a walk and blow away the cobwebs.

But it's not unresolved, op.
There is sexual attraction from you both and you chose to be loyal to your husband and ignore the crush. That is a decision of itself.
Soon enough there will be another crush on his radar to distract him from you that is if he hasn't already got several women on his mind on the go. I'm sure you're gorgeous but you're not the only hot woman he sees around, someone else might bite.

And how is that person supposed to explain to their spouse why there's a sudden pressing need to move house?

feistyoneyouare · Today 16:05

By being honest with the spouse about what has happened and asking the spouse for help to solve the situation and suggesting moving house of course.
If you cannot be honest with your spouse at the point in time when you have NOT slept with someone else, then the door is wide open for a flagrant betrayal and deception of the spouse anyway.

The second paragraph sounds like the sort of waffle Boris Johnson would come out with when trying to avoid answering any sort of serious question. I mean, cleaning the bathroom? Your basically going to avoid the situation for a while, feel like you've done your best, then most likely end up bonking him on the shared drive behind the privets.
The best thing you can do is tell this man that you are married, not interested, and that if he gives you any more attention you will tell your husband that he is a pest.

"Unresolved" – for Christ's sake; he's a sleazy neighbour and you're having sex fantasies. Why are you building this up to be some sort of love affair?

It is absolutely resolved. You decided to say No. That's it. The end. And you keep all the mystery of your magical self to yourself and your husband. Thus you are really the queen of the street. The one he does NOT get. Just wait a thick second before you hear how many others he is trying to jump. He is not exactly discreet. Have a great weekend with your hubby. Hope you get absolutely exhausted after all this dusting. Wink.

So that is what I am going to do starting from now, I'm going to listen
to a funny podcast and clean the bathroom, then later i'm going to cook
something really nice for dinner that my husband will love, watch a film
and have a really nice weekend with him, maybe take the dog down the
coast (with my Husband) for a walk and blow away the cobwebs

Time with the husband eh.

Oh dear
I fear we may be too late.

Hi honey, how was your day?

I just put the house on the market. Frankly it's the only way to stop myself shagging Bob from next door. Hope that's ok. What do you fancy for tea?

Hell's teeth, there's some major self-righteousness and pearl clutching going on here.
I've had a crush on someone I had a social relationship with, and he on me, but we did nothing apart from imagine....
This does NOT mean I was cheating on my husband, who I adore, just that I had these feelings and decided not to act on them.
In the same way that I fantasised about burning down the loathsome place where I worked and
strangling my next door neighbour for playing deafening music until 2am.
I didn't get charged with either arson or murder just for having thoughts. Neither should OP be condemned for having thoughts, nor should she share them with her DH. Neither did I, when I mentally threw mil under a bus for being an interfering bitch. A persons thoughts and fantasies are no one's business but her own.

but we did nothing apart from imagine...

Did you have a chat about it behind your partners' backs?

Because that's the line OP crossed.

He said to me once, in a bar surrounded by friends, " I really fancy you" and I replied "You too. Bastard isn't it".
Very classy.
But that was it. Strong attraction, 9 words, nothing happened.
We are now comfortable friends, and you can believe it if believe it not, I don't give a shit, because I know the truth.
So, Op, do nothing, act honourably and it will die if it isn't fed.

@VickerishAllsort had you both had a drink when you had this conversation? You both did well to leave it there having just admitted that!!

That's how I feel about my crush. I'd never EVER cheat on him. But jeez I've had some fun dreams!!

Of course it's limerence, you both have huge obstacles in your way preventing you from having each other, which only makes the desire stronger. It's the very definition of limerence!

*cheat on DH clearly. Freudian slip

Satsuma, no, no drink taken at that point, although I certainly needed one afterwards.

I dont kbow how you can be thinking as strongly as this bout him if things ARE ok with your husband.it just wouldn't happened crushes yes,like some lusting ones pp mentioned but your talking about some major things here go beyond that.
Almost a betrayal in themselves.
I wonder if this was a bloke saying this bout woman next door.

Every married person has found someone else attractive. Love is an emotion, it fades in and out just like happiness or sadness. Loyalty, commitment, and the promise you made your husband and family are way more important than butterflies. You made a very big promise that is attached to your husband's life just as much as yours. Ask yourself this, would you want your husband online talking to us about his fascination with another man's wife? Or, would you prefer him to talk with you and be honest with you about it and then you guys make a plan to deal with it?

I was married for 9 years. In 2017 and 2018 my wife had 2 emotional affairs, very much like what you are stepping into. The attraction she felt towards these men changed her attitude towards me, she stopped caring at all about me to be honest. This attraction grew and grew, she started to lie to me a lot. I even caught her masterbation to one of them. This was a very devastating time for me. We were even trying for our second child when all of this was happening. I had a good job, celebrated our life together, I'm not perfect, hell no, but I love her and our family and I was doing everything I could. Overall, she admitting her short comings and we both tried to move on from it.

In 2021, it happened again, this time she went further and was dating him before I found out. I was a stay at home Father at the time due to a heart condition I developed in 2020. I am still recovering emotional, financially, and mentally today from what happened. My heart condition still prevents me from working consistently. After she did this and wanted me out of her life for him, I had no choice but to leave my home, wife, and children, she moved him in 3 days later.

I currently sleep on an air mattress with barely enough food to get me by. Thanks to a close friend of 23 years, I'm still here. I've managed to hold on to my car but it's a struggle. I'm not looking for sympathy, I just want to tell you what happened to me in the same situation you're in. It's no fun at all being on the opposite end of this. I still love her and my children so very much, but I cannot change how she feels towards her new love. The only thing I can do is try to get back and work my way back into my children's lives at this point.

Please just remember this. In almost all divorces where one person still loves the one who does not love them back, someone's life will be decimated. This person's life which is about to fall apart you loved dearly at one point, enough to marry them and have your family. Unless they've changed in some horrific way that theory or medical invention cannot help, then you should try and remember why you made a commitment to him in the first place. He's still that same wonderful man you loved, look into his eyes and remember what you guys have shared.

Be blessed and I wish you the best.

You can do. It’s mind over matter. You tell yourself you don’t fancy him and you make yourself think about his characteristics that are unappealing, both physically and in his conduct. And you make yourself get over him by putting yourself off .

Its just lust. And lust is not worth ruining your marriage and your life over as well as the lives of his family. You have no emotional bond with this man as you have no history with him, no shared life experiences, no family to connect you. It’s just a superficial sexual attraction and not that hard to get over- if you really want to.

It sounds like you don't want to hurt your husband by cheating and the fantasy is certainly one to get carried away with, so I agree with focusing on all what you love and enjoy etc.

But I just wanted to say I remember being out with some friends once and 2 guys were talking about the same thing.
One of them was in that situation and asked his mate what he should do.

And the other guy said
"whenever you're thinking about doing something inappropriate with the other person, just go and have a wank instead.
It'll get it out of your system and you can just get on with your day!"

@CottonGoods The magnitude of the neighbour's farts is not going to be relevant to her.

Sorry, I know this it's a serious thread but this made me howl 😂😂

Good op... if you really value your husband, you can move through this and have a sense of pride in doing so. And you can avoid your neighbour so easily.. my neighbour is odd and I avoid him all the time!