How to nip an intense mutual attraction in the bud?

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As the title suggests I'm in a situation where I've developed an intense and unfortunately mutual attraction to a man I have to see regularly. I am 45 and he is 51. We are both happily marrried for decades and have no desire to screw our lives up but the attraction is huge on both sides. We've done nothing but other people have already commented on the tension between us.

Has anyone else dealt with a situation like this and is there an easy fix to nip this in the bud?

This. Surely you don’t want this man??

Ps. If people are making "affair" comments about the two of you, then its already obvious.

Imagine if your husband fancied a woman on your street. She fancied him too and a fair few people suspected and commented. How stupid would that make you feel? Youre making a fool out of yourself and your HUSBAND.

At some point ( if not already) he will tell you that.....
You are the most beautiful woman he has ever seen
He has never felt like this before
You are not like other women
His marriage is just for the children/ public front/ there hasn't been any sex for years
Etc etc etc.
It's his cock talking.

My toes curl with cringe for you here.
Pity your poor husband and his poor wife.
For christs sake give your head a wobble.

Just imagine this: you sleep with him and then he suddenly goes all cold on you because he has satisfied his curiosity about you and doesn't want things ot get messy. Then you have years of tension and awkwardness.

He must have some annoying traits. Focus on those.

OP, been there, done that (including the shagging).

What you need to do is think, really carefully, about what you want.

That kind of attraction is like a drug and is enormously exciting. The question is: what is your ultimate aim? Do you want to leave your husband? Does he want to leave his wife? Do either of you or both of you have children? You say you're "happily married" - so this is decision time. If your marriage really is happy, is it worth unseating it? And if you really think it's worth unseating it, is it really that happy?

If you have an affair, it's likely to wreck your marriage. If you don't have an affair, you will go to your grave with your secret knowledge that there was someone whom you were mad about. The feeling will pass, btw, if you let it run its course. I had a couple of these before I did have an affair; the 'run its course' ones were very intense while they lasted, but never went beyond flirtation (though I sort of regret that now).

If you want to remain married (and it's worth asking yourself if you really do, and why), then you basically need to cut this man out of your life. If you can't do that, then the question as to whether you really want to remain married is answered for you.

PaddleBoardingMomma limerence is when its one sided, and no real risk of anything happening. In this case the attraction is both strong and mutual we have plenty of chances to be together so I'd say that was dangerous.

How do you know it’s mutual in an equal way? Maybe you are just new meat he wants to try his hand at getting. He may be charming, and used to getting whatever he sets his mind on.
You may be feeling a ‘connection’ that’s special. Whereas he may someone who goes in for connecting with who ever is near by.

You are in an emotional affair. You are sharing something with this man that you both can't share with your spouse.

The secrecy of meeting up to talk about staying away, the dog walks, the sexual tension between you...all that is deceit.

You and your AP are going down a familiar path and it will end in heartache. I would bet you are not the first extra-marital interest he's had op.

Picture your husband doing exactly the same thing to neighbour's wife.

Your husband having secret chats about how he want s to shag her. And how she wants to shag him.

How every time he leaves the house he looks around to check whether she is there.

How your neighbours are talking about you behind your back, giving you funny looks etc because they know he's sniffing around someone else's wife.

How does that make you feel? Are you really okay with this?

This is exactly what you are doing to your husband now. Do not make it worse - end it FGS.

Whatever you do do not have a drink when you're around him. That will not end well.

He's only so exciting because he's nice and good looking and you're not having to look at his greying pants on the floor and you're not cleaning your teeth in a bathroom that smells of his poo. The reality would be very different.

Plus he probably has form for shagging around, in which case he might come with a free dose of the clap. Not sexy.

Very difficult to just turn the tap off, this kind of obsessional love is all consuming, it's there when you wake up and when you go to bed. As my marriage was coming to an end I went through this with a work colleague. Neither of us acted on it until my relationship ended. As soon as it began it was over. It took me years to get past this and over her, I guess you have to assess the position of your life with your husband. If you still love him and want your future to be with him. I couldn't face another 20 years living as I was with a partner that had previously been unfaithful so unhappy. Take this other man out of the equation and look at your life.

This is really easy OP and I’m not being flippant:

• You potter around the garden, driveway with greasy hair and a onesie. Maybe bleaching your tash. *Play Mambo No5 on repeat, loudly (or song of your choice)
• Swear like a trooper, within earshot
• Start collecting bobble heads for the dashboards of your car *Complain about his parking
• Self identify as flat earther

The list goes on! Please feel free to add people!

What I’m saying is you erase any sort of desirability that you may posses OP. All of it! And it pretty much takes care of itself. There’s no drama, dilemma, tension, stolen looks and restless nights. It’s over within a week!

But I suspect part of you likes being desired, so have no real intention of nipping this in the bud

A few things to try. Imagine him sitting on the loo doing a massive smelly poo. Think about what his toenails are like after wearing shoes without socks on a really hot day. Imagine him eating dinner with his mouth open and then farting all evening. Plus a million other gross things that most men do when you live with them and they think you’re not looking.

Jesus. Always the same on these posts. And as silly as the OP sounds, I do wish people could do better than exhorting her to imagine him having a bowel movement, ffs 🙄

So he’s been around for six months or so and he’s already sniffing around the next door neighbour? What a charmer.

This is not anything special, it’s not chemistry or magnetic attraction. This is a 51 year old man lining up a side shag. You’ll be one of many I would expect.

Limerance can be mutual it's how you get the fantasy love affair that comes crashing down when you realise what you've nearly lost and the idiot you've nearly lost (or have lost) everything for. It's actually very typical in affairs so I have no idea where you got the idea it's one sided from.

And you don't sound at all like you want this to finish your just loving the ego boost way too much.

Tbh this is emotional affair territory already. You've crossed a boundary.

Your poor husband and his poor wife.

You need to avoid this man completely - just blank him - honestly I've been there and its the only way.

Absolutely right.

When you're in that state of desire for someone else, the thought of him farting/sitting on the loo etc is so abstract that it is as if someone said they should imagine him sprouting wings and a horn in the middle of his head.

OP needs to think properly about whether she wants to end her marriage or not. Affairs either get found out (which is not very comfortable all round), or you fall so madly in love that you have to leave your partner (which comes with its own issues). It's very, very rare to have a riotous affair (especially with a neighbour) and walk away unscathed.

I do, however, understand the desire to be desired - and the OP needs to decide whether she wants to be desired by her husband (which will take work and effort) or by someone else (which is easier, but comes with its own problems).

The magnitude of the neighbour's farts is not going to be relevant to her.

Why did I read that in the voice of John Cooper Clarke?

Just get a grip op.
Years ago before I even met DH I was chatted up by a very handsome chap. Met DH, met said chap at a do and I felt his eyes looking at me and he kept trying to meet my gaze. I think a friend of DH's said something to him about chap having the hots.
Years later still he popped up at a friend's engagement party. Same attention and he came over to chat to me. DH sidled along side and ever so charmingly said "now x, when you've finished chatting up my wife, I'd like her back please". He laughed and backed off.

Can't your dh just make a joke, brush it off and let him know who's boss if you are neighbours.

BTW, it's all very well talking about greying pants etc - but let's be realistic. Most men who are sexually attractive don't wear greying pants or go around wafting pooey smells behind them.

Just fuck him. You’re going to do it anyway so might as well go for it. Nothing you have written suggests you are trying particularly hard to put a dampener on this crush, you’re basically giddy even on a forum and so very flattered with it all.

So yea just go fuck him because that is probably the only thing that will ‘cure’ you at this stage. 🤷‍♀️

I look a bit Iike him when I wake up 😂

This.

Maybe grow up the pair of you.

😆

A whiff of moisture in the air and my hair goes full JCC