Has anyone been able to forgive sleeping with escorts?

[Rosethorn35]

Recently found emails that revealed “D”H has been cheating on me with escorts for the last 3-4 years. We have a 3 year old DS and I’m currently pregnant. Divorce now feels inevitable and I’ve read so much that supports this. But H really wants to try and fix things and is willing to give whatever assurances I need e.g. all finances in my name, passwords to all of his accounts, phone tracker etc.

Is it possible? Has anyone made this work? It makes me feel sick to consider it at the moment but there was enough good in our relationship that I want to know I thought it through

Oh come on. Mature escorts, for one. To blame men for using a service, when offered voluntarily by a woman, is ridiculous. There are women who, quite rightly, have the choice to make money selling their bodies. I'm not judging BTW. It's a whole new ball game when it comes to trafficking.

You are a bloke, right?

No-one is blaming men who use a service that is offered voluntarily. But do go ahead and ignore the fact that men can't tell if it is voluntarily offered, and it is not REMOTELY on their list of priorities to find out.

However please note what we are saying, which is that most women - and I would confidently include even the women who 'offer' this service - want to have a relationship with men who use the service.

We despise those men. Got it?

@Callingoccupants

To blame men for using a service, when offered voluntarily by a woman, is ridiculous. There are women who, quite rightly, have the choice to make money selling their bodies. I'm not judging BTW. It's a whole new ball game when it comes to trafficking.

You didn't answer the question.

Again, how does a man know for sure which are offering sex for money 'voluntarily' / have 'the choice to make money selling their bodies' and those who are doing so due to being trafficked, abused or coerced?

Genuinely - how can he tell for sure which ones are trafficked (which you say is a whole new ball game) and which are abused and which are coerced and which aren't any of the above?

No I'm not a man and you clearly know nothing about escorting. You're looking at it from a feminist point of view. Escorts aren't interested in relationships with the men! It takes them all the time not to heave when being fucked by them. If the woman is in it voluntarily, it's a contract between she and her client. Anyway, back to the thread. It may be likely the bloke will use services in the future. It doesn't matter how he's been unfaithful. If he's slept with another woman, he's shit on his partner.

Escorts aren't interested in relationships with the men! It takes them all the time not to heave when being fucked by them.

That's literally what that poster said... that the women offering the service wouldn't ever want a relationship with a man who was a punter.

You're looking at it from a feminist point of view

This picture shows the definition of feminism.

You have an issue with women looking at all issues from the standpoint that women should have equal rights to men?

Some could forgive it. I know there is a whole lot of theoretical type talk about the morality of escorts, but really this is about how you feel with your husband sleeping with other women.
Im not sure whether it’s better or worse that they’re escorts, perhaps better as at least feeling weren’t involved.

It depends on whether or not you can move past it. Was it during a difficult (non sexual) time after pregnancy and in early childhood and perhaps he was neglected or feeling undervalued?

Was it during a difficult (non sexual) time after pregnancy and in early childhood and perhaps he was neglected or feeling undervalued?

Funny how women who go through pregnancy, any post natal issues, their child's early years, times of feeling neglected and undervalued by their partner don't pay for sex with other men isn't it?

Almost like it's not a valid reason for doing so...

@wellhelloitsme

Theres not really a comparison to be made between us and them in that regard. I’m just saying if it’s been years and barely anything on offer so to speak, it does make a difference as to whether someone might forgive such a thing. But ultimately it’s up to her and is largely based in the way it makes her feel In a continuing way.

"On offer" 🤢

You know what a grown man is perfectly capable of doing if he isn't happy with his sex life with a partner?

Talk to her about it and if he remains unhappy with the frequency of sex... leave.

Not stay in the marriage and have sex with other people.

Let alone doing so by funding an industry that is largely based on coercion, abuse, trafficking and rape.

@PrincessMeg

Theres not really a comparison to be made between us and them in that regard.

How so?

@wellhelloitsme

Im not coming at it from an ideological point of view like you. Escorts exist, I really don’t care about it. All I’m getting at is rather than rock the boat during the difficult time of pregnancy and afterward by bothering her about sex, this may have actually been his way to get his needs as a man met while allowing her her own physical and mental time which many need.

What kind of awful man leaves his wife because he isn’t getting enough sex with young children? That’s not better to me than escorts. Yes it’s hard and I’m not saying it’s forgivable - I’m just saying based on circumstances it’s understandable. I think there’s a lot of wilful denial about mens nature on here, but you have to work with it not against it in my view - or we can never get on together.

@wellhelloitsme
Just different sexually and also for her the experience of the pregnancy, childbirth and mothering will have been incredibly different than his experience of early childhood. Her world as changed whereas his not so much, it’s got a little nicer but that’s probably about the extent of it. That’s all I mean by you can’t compare the two.

What kind of awful man leaves his wife because he isn’t getting enough sex with young children?

The kind of man who puts sex before his wife and kids. The same kind of man who pays tor sex while remaining in a relationship.

In both cases, an awful man.

Why would you want to?

Escorts exist, I really don’t care about it.

If you "really don't care" about an industry based largely on women being coerced, abused, trafficked and raped then I'm not sure there's any point continuing to engage with you.

Hearing a woman say they "really don't care" about those things is so depressing.

I think @PrincessMeg makes some good points about men who do it in certain circumstances and it being - to them anyway - the most pragmatic solution.

I haven't known of any women paying for sex but I have known of women actively seeking ONS because they feel unloved at home. I suspect for those women they were actually seeking love rather than sex. It comes back to the saying 'men need sex to feel loved; women need to feel loved to want sex'.

Men feel 'loved' when they pay a prostitute to have sex with them?

Some men fall for prostitutes, yes @wellhelloitsme

I'd never be able to forgive this. In a way it feels worse than just an affair that might build up through mutual attraction - he's actually gone out looking for sex with these women, not only that but paid money - probably a lot of money - that should have been in the family pot.

Divorce is the only way here, sorry.

How many punters do you think pay for sex with prostitutes with the aim of falling for them?

They pay for sex because they want sex. They don't care about the circumstances of the woman they are paying for sex from even though there's a high probability that woman is being exploited through coercion, desperation, trafficking or abuse.

I can't see any justification whatsoever for a man taking the risk he's contributing to those things. He cannot know if he is doing so or not with each individual prostitute he pays to have sex with.

I'm not saying men don't do this. Lots do. Im saying good men don't do this.

To answer your question @wellhelloitsme I would guess that very few men would pay for sex with the aim of falling for the prostitute. Falling in love with a prostitute is a by-product of having sex with her.

Well, quite.

So PP quoting the "men need sex to feel loved" adage as a reason for them paying for sex falls flat. That was my point.

The don't pay for sex to feel loved.

They pay for sex because they want sex more than they want to not hurt women - both their wife and the woman they pay for sex.

Wanting to feel loved is natural. What I'm saying is that men don't wake up one morning thinking 'I want to feel loved. I'll go and have sex with a prostitute'. If the reason they see a prostitute is because they're not having sex with their partner, then the lack of sex at home will make them feel unloved. So they'll seek out sex and the by-product of having sex with that woman may well be feeling loved (and they will wrongly associate the feeling of being loved with that individual prostitute).

The other by-product is funding an industry based largely on women being coerced, abused, trafficked and raped.

There isn't a way of justifying that IMO.

I'll never think that running the risk of contributing to those issues (which is a high probability due to the prevalence of them in the industry) is ok. Ever. I don't know how anyone can.

I'm conscious I'm repeating myself on this point so I guess I'll leave it there.