Has anyone been able to forgive sleeping with escorts?

[Rosethorn35]

Recently found emails that revealed “D”H has been cheating on me with escorts for the last 3-4 years. We have a 3 year old DS and I’m currently pregnant. Divorce now feels inevitable and I’ve read so much that supports this. But H really wants to try and fix things and is willing to give whatever assurances I need e.g. all finances in my name, passwords to all of his accounts, phone tracker etc.

Is it possible? Has anyone made this work? It makes me feel sick to consider it at the moment but there was enough good in our relationship that I want to know I thought it through

I need e.g. all finances in my name, passwords to all of his accounts, phone tracker etc.

do you actually want this though? It sounds so micromanagey. I don’t want a relationship where I feel I need to check my partner’s phone tracker for security. i mean, you’ll feel anxious at the tiniest thing eg him staying out longer than expected. Eventually he’ll just start saying you’re controlling and a nag too and get rid of the tracker.

let’s be honest, he can make new accounts with banks or socials/other websites. He’s already shown he can hide things from you for extended periods of time. He’s not sorry he cheated, he’s sorry he got caught

OFGS. This has been going on for four years? No. I couldn't forgive that and you shouldn't have to. This is beyond a mistake it is a huge pisstake.

How is he a rapist!??? He used escorts who willingly sold themselves for money. If the women had sold their sofas to him would that make him a thief!???

He's not going to change. He'll just find another way.

Leave him.

@GinGym

Also if a woman makes herself available for sex in return for payment, then unless she is being forced to do it, then it is purely a business transaction and no-one else's business other than that of the 2 consenting adults.

How can a man paying for sex know definitively that she isn't being forced, coerced, abused, trafficked etc?

He can't.

But he's willing to run the risk.

@GinGym

He used escorts who willingly sold themselves for money.

Again, how can a punter know that a sex worker isn't trafficked, abused, coerced etc?

For someone who is so caring about the rights of women, you don't half like to tell the OP how she should be feeling? Hypocritical in the extreme. And you don't know the circumstances of these women any more than her husband did so you are making assumptions about something and using it to beat the OP with your opinion.

@GinGym educate yourself. This is just embarrassing. It shouldn’t need explained to you.

If the women are only allowing his penis to use their bodies in exchange for money, that is not consent, that is rape. If you choose to debate consent you need to start your own thread.

He can't, I agree. And I didn't say he is in the right but it frustrates the life out of me that everyone jumps on the bandwagon of "these poor women" when none of us know their circumstances. Cheating is cheating whether he paid for it or not.

@GinGym

And you don't know the circumstances of these women any more than her husband did

Well quite. I'm not the one who has paid to have sex with them not knowing their circumstances though, am I?

You're right I shouldn't have used the phrase "he should make your..." as OP is of course entitled to her own decision. I should have written "he would make my...". My bad on that.

The rest though, I stand by. If he cannot know whether or not someone has been forced into having sex for money, do you think a man running the risk they have been forced (abused, trafficked, coerced) is a man who respects women?

Are you for real? I have been involved with hindreds of women through my job over the years, including a lot of sex workers and your argument is utter mince.

He can't, I agree. And I didn't say he is in the right but it frustrates the life out of me that everyone jumps on the bandwagon of "these poor women" when none of us know their circumstances. Cheating is cheating whether he paid for it or not.

There's cheating.

And there's cheating along with the morality of paying to have sex with women who are may have been forced to do so, all while buying into an industry as a whole that facilitates human trafficking, abuse and rape.

If my partner cheated I would personally leave him whoever it was with. But if he paid for sex I would personally think he couldn't be a genuinely decent bloke at his core.

Because, and I know I'm repeating myself so apologise, his desire to put his penis in an orifice was greater than his care over whether the woman is genuinely consenting or doing so due to trafficking / abuse / coercion etc.

I'm not saying there aren't sex workers who are happy with their chosen work - of course there are. That doesn't change the fact a punter cannot tell which sex workers are and aren't genuinely consenting.

Climb down off your high horse. You are the one who needs an education. The only one who should be embarrassed here is you. Attempting to advocate women's rights when you are trying to bully me for having an opinion that isn't the same as yours.

Oh OP, I understand your fear and that deep seated wish that it would just all go away and life could return to normal. I don't think it can though, I can't see you being happy again if you stay.

I think a man who pays for sex is desperate and probably at the point where he doesn't even give it a second thought. Which is a huge issue in itself and another reason why I personally wouldn't be able to trust him again but I was simply pointing out the fact that MNers seem to enjoy riding roughshod over people they know nothing about whilst shouting about rape and coercion as if it is 100% fact for every woman who allows men to pay her for sex.

I can understand you wanting to stay with the man you thought you married. Unfortunately I think you have to learn to accept that he doesn't exist. Surely you can't want to continue a relationship with the man you now know he is?

I was simply pointing out the fact that MNers seem to enjoy riding roughshod over people they know nothing about whilst shouting about rape and coercion as if it is 100% fact for every woman who allows men to pay her for sex.

I think you're misunderstanding this and need to flip it.

It's not that it's 100% fact for every woman who is a sex worker.

It's that a punter cannot know for sure which of those sex workers are raped, trafficked, coerced etc.

Therefore he's running the risk of contributing to the life of a woman who is potentially being raped, trafficked, coerced etc.

I think a man who pays for sex is desperate and probably at the point where he doesn't even give it a second thought.

Many fewer woman pay for sex than men. Infinitely less. Which reflects the value (or lack thereof) placed on women in society.

Almost all 'desperate' women who miss sex don't pay for a sex worker. In contrast, the numbers of men who pay for sex are higher than most people think.

This imbalance reflects how women are thought of by wider society and buying into it, like OP's husband, contributes to that lack of respect for women and the abuse of vulnerable ones.

Having sex with a working girl means the man hates women? What a toxic, nonsense response. Do prostitutes hate men because they take their money for sex? Sheesh.

Surely this is not hard to figure out. If a man is not feeling fulfilled at home, there is always a chance they will find an outlet elsewhere. You really think that suddenly he doesn't love his partner of how many years just because he has a one night stand? There are basic carnal needs like hunger and thirst, sometimes a person just need to get laid. Stop comparing casual sex to having some kind of deep emotional relationship with someone else.

Yes, the trust factor is gone because he hid it from her, but it's up to the OP alone whether she is willing to continue the relationship. OP does not have to blindly jump on the bandwagon of "omg he had sex with someone else, therefore he must never have loved me and he hates me and hates all women in the world".

There are people who have 'friends with benefits' and couples that agree to have open relationships because they enjoy that lifestyle. I'm not proposing this, but the point is your perspective. Just because someone has "sex" with someone else besides YOU, doesn't necessarily mean they "betrayed" you or "hate" you, or don't love you.

And monitoring his phone and social media is supposed to be some sort of inducement? No thanks, unless you signed up to be his keeper. His behaviour, his responsibility -sorry op, he's beyond redemption.

Why would you want to. He can’t fundamentally change who he is, irrespective of whose name is on a bank account etc. He’s a liar and a cheat who has treated you with contempt and disrespect and he’s very likely contributed to sex slavery (or perhaps I’m confusing prostitution and escorting and that point can be ignored)

I'm sorry you’re in this situation OP, be brave xxx

Another one who could forgive an affair much easier than the use of women as a commodity, especially knowing what we do about trafficking.

But I feel so sorry for you, OP. You asked for our opinions and you have them.

I couldn't. The dishonesty and the betrayal are compounded by the fact that he thinks it is acceptable to pay to use a woman's body, like she was a piece of meat.

That isn't a decent man, he's not worth the air he breathes.

I don't think prostitution is rape if somebody is an escort because it's good money and it's their choice. I couldn't forgive your husband for what he has done though. The thing that would get me most would be him lying in that very calculated way about the money knowing exactly what he was going to spend it on. I presume he hasn't even had the decency to have regular STI tests himself.

At most I might keep him around for child care for a couple of years but I wouldn't have sex with him again. He's just not an honest trustworthy man.

I don't think prostitution is rape if somebody is an escort because it's good money and it's their choice.

Your theory is that there's a tipping point when enough is paid and enthusiastic consent is not needed? What exact amount of money makes consent unimportant? And escorts can't be coerced, trafficked or addicted? None of them? What a load of old shite. And I bet I know more sex workers than you do.

Enthusiastic consent exists or it doesn't. A man happy to stick his cock in someone who he KNOWS would not be doing it if she wasn't paid is a rapist. What she feels is quite another issue. But he is a rapist.

And OP. He's been doing this for 3 or 4 years. His life with you will always be, if you stay with him, his life minus something he clearly really really enjoyed. He spent time and a great deal of money on this. You wont ever be enough. And you'll know it deep down all the time. Because if he could still be doing it, he would.

Just be done.