Has anyone been able to forgive sleeping with escorts?

[Rosethorn35]

Recently found emails that revealed “D”H has been cheating on me with escorts for the last 3-4 years. We have a 3 year old DS and I’m currently pregnant. Divorce now feels inevitable and I’ve read so much that supports this. But H really wants to try and fix things and is willing to give whatever assurances I need e.g. all finances in my name, passwords to all of his accounts, phone tracker etc.

Is it possible? Has anyone made this work? It makes me feel sick to consider it at the moment but there was enough good in our relationship that I want to know I thought it through

How does a man know that each individual sex worker is doing it 'out of choice'?

He can't possibly know for sure.

Yet he's willing to take that risk.

You don't see the issue with that?

I did say when it was their choice to do it. That obviously rules out people who are co-erced or trafficked. Are you saying that women who make a free choice to do something you personally disagree with are deluded in some way? You sound fairly intolerant of other people's choices. Do you think male escorts are similarly exploited?

For those who wouldn't have an issue with the principle of men who pay sex workers for sex, ukpunting is a site many use.

A warning, it's vile and at times upsetting reading.

I'm not saying that as someone naive. It's genuinely disturbing how they speak about sex workers.

I absolutely agree that some sex workers do it out of choice, absolutely.

My point is - how does a man know if a sex worker he visits is doing it out of choice?

He cannot know for sure.

How do the punters know? And no, I've known male sex workers as well and it's typically similarly coercive.

The fact is any man who uses a sex worker, regardless of the sex of the person, could be (and definitely is over 3 years) having sex with someone whose consent is either coerced or forced. I mean they might not be raping someone every time. But they are completely happy to roll the dice and risk it.

When studies are conducted, the workers say that men don't ask. They could ask to see ID. That would tell them age and that the worker has their ID. If immigrants, if they have their own passport. They NEVER do. They don't care.

I've had the unfortunate burden of reading the reports the women share with each other about the rapes, kidnapping, robberies and violence. They share the details to try to protect each other.

You deserve better than this. All well and good that he's sorry now and wants to make it work, but no. You deserve better than this.

Even if a sex worker is doing so out of ‘choice’ it is not an entirely ‘free’ choice.
I speak as someone who used to be a very high class escort when I was younger and studying. I had a smaller pool of clients. I made a LOT of money. It helped at a point in time when I couldn’t work full-time.
the weird thing is, in my experience, I got treated better by men who were paying me than guys I dated ‘for free’. As if by giving me money they were placing a value on me and the experience and they acted accordingly. Lots of high-end restaurants, hotels, trips etc
however it is not like that for everyone and I think that in all circumstances, by paying you money the men genuinely aren’t interested if you’re actually there by choice. Free choice. They are arrogant enough to believe there is a real connection and you would actually sleep with them otherwise. I could cope with the honesty of the transaction. Not the falsity in having pretend there was some ‘real’ connection there.
had I been able to earn as much money with as few working hours in another way, absolutely I would have done it. No one WANTS to do it. You never grow up thinking ‘I want to be an escort’. But it’s weighing up the pros and cons of the situation overall and it served a purpose for me at a point in time and I had zero student debt.

so in response to OP’s question. I think men who use escorts rather than having a ‘regular’ affair think it is somehow ‘better’ because they are putting an emotional ring fence around the whole thing. It’s not a threat to family life, as they won’t leave for the OW. It can be because they don’t value women generally, but not always, and I actually think they do rationalise it in their mind in this way. It makes logical sense to them. Purely sexual.

would a full blown relationship with another woman threaten you more? Is this a role model you want for your DDs (if you have them?) can you forgive cheating generally?

I think irrespective of the escort issue, the trust has gone. It was a sexual rather than emotional thing, but the trust is still gone and you will never see him the same way again.

my advice would be to leave. I never met a client who I thought I would ever want to be in a relationship with. And there’s a reason for that.

Um, I would say unless it's happened to you,you have no idea what you would do and also how you would feel. It is easy in abstract saying you would LTB and be unable to forgive etc but when it happens to you the emotions are very different.

Op, I'm going through this right now (47 days since I found out) and it's been a very different path than I thought I would take. I've always been a bit dismissive of counselling but for me that has been hugely helpful and has helped me in the here and now. Im not sure what the future holds but I do know faceless people telling you they wouldn't put up with that isn't helpful.

Sorry this has happened to you too. I never had my husband down as one of those men. But he was. There are loads of them doing it, sadly you are not alone - just lots of wives simply don't know - half hour appointments over lunch are apparently very popular 🤮.

Completely agree with @WWYD3
Would make be a paranoid wreck constantly second guessing and throwing it back in his face when we fell out. So definitely a no from me to any sort of cheating

I fully understand why you wouldn't want to have your relationship end, it's a massive shock and just the opposite to what you had planned for your life and that of your babies. However I reckon whatever surveillance measures are put in place, no matter how much counselling either of you attend, you'd be hitching your wagon to someone with a massively skewed moral compass, who has shown you who he really is. If he truly understands what he's done and gives a shit about you and the kids he will be make it easy for you to leave him, and support you to move on as much as possible, financially and otherwise. Not beg you to stay.

It's not comparable to cheating, it's not about sex, it's not an affair. It's years of repeated decisions and choices that show his disregard for not only you and your children, but for women in general. It's about power and control and the abuse of that.

It's not a sexy fumble in a lunch hour. It's trauma and vile abuse and human trafficking and drug abuse, misogyny, body fluids, pain and suffering.

I wish you all the strength you'll need to be free of him.

I think having an affair is worse. But everybody views these things differently. I don't approve of prostitution but I don't approve of a lot of things. OP needs to decide for herself in this case.

Yuck , no I couldn't. I would end it if I found out he had used prostitutes before we met.

The deceit is what I find most hurtful with any form of cheating.

He may not view it as "proper" cheating - after all, he's not been having an affair with emotional attachment, it wasn't a drunken one night stand - but it is actually worse in some ways - all the planning and deceit and plausible lies to cover up and spending money that ought to be shared and so on

I think he'd have to be 100% honest about his reasons for it before you can even begin to forgive and move on. Even then it would depend on his reasoning. Also as pp has said, I think it would turn me into a person I wouldn't like, entrusting and possibly controlling.
For me I find it difficult as he actually went looking for it. I'd view it the same way as a one night stand. I'd also struggle with how he had put me at risk (and the unborn child) as he could have caught something and in turn given it to me a the child. Tbh I'd find this a much bigger betrail.
Either way, you need to get tested asap! Do what is right for you and you children. He clearly doesn't have the families interests at heart so you unfortunately need to play both yours and his role in this now.

I agree in the sense that an affair needs sustained and continual betrayal whereas the prostitute thing is confined to booking it, doing it, going back home. It's in a bubble with a prostitute. An affair partner can become part of his life and know stuff about the wife.
I'm sure some men naively think that all prostitutes are women who just like sex and want to get paid for doing it because they are students ect and need the cash.

I'm sure some men naively think that all prostitutes are women who just like sex and want to get paid for doing it because they are students ect and need the cash.

Two very different reasons there:

1. They like sex and want to get paid for doing it.

1. They are students and need the cash so are selling sex due to financial hardship.

The point is, a man cannot know which category a sex worker falls into.

It could be either of the above or they could be trafficked, abused, coerced etc.

It's not naive of the man, it's the man not giving a shit about the fact he could be contributing to a woman being trafficked, coerced, abused and raped.

An affair is a mutually agreed balanced arrangement, and while it's devastating for the betrayed partner it's two adults making a choice equally. I just cannot with any man who gets off on someone opening her legs for him, purely because he's paying her. Because he's got some money and she hasn't. Or because she's been treated like a peice of meat thoughout her life and it's become acceptable and normal for her. Or because she's being pimped and her life literally depends on her having multiple men using her like a receptacle day and night, or she's addicted to drugs.

It's not just a quaint old fashioned "service" like going to the barbers, nor a glamorous occupation if you scratch below the surface and have any idea what the industry entails. It involves him feeling entitled to stick his dick in a woman, because she needs the money and he's got it. It's an absolute imbalance of power and the opposite of enthusiastic consent.

@GreenManalishi agreed, it’s conditional consent, certainly not enthusiastic, and I don’t believe there are women who just like sex and want to get paid for doing it.
if a woman likes sex that much she could very easily get it from someone she is actually attracted to.
Men generally see escorts as service providers rather than actual humans. They are very good at compartmentalising. It doesn’t mean they treat them badly necessarily, but the way they treat them is more a reflection of how they see themselves and what they want from the experience.
just my two cents.

the question is whether OP wants to be with a man who thinks like this, and whether she can be with someone she doesn’t trust.

I could forgive him if he’d visited a sex worker when young. My ex had his first experiences with an escort, but he was a lonely, shy teenage boy. He massively regretted it and said the experiences were horrible and pleasureless. He never did it again (I didn’t meet him until he was in his 40s). In that case, I could easily forgive - he was just a silly kid. Also, he had decided on his own that it was wrong. He was single when he vowed not to do it again. In other words, he made a moral choice, which I rather admired. Men who get caught haven’t made a moral choice. They promise not to do it again in order to save their marriage, not to protect the escorts.

I’d find it much harder to forgive a full-grown man. Anyone over the age of 25, or certainly 30, ought to know better. They ought to be mature enough to realise the suffering and horror involved - and that their money keeps it going. It’s the same with men who view indecent images of children.

I don't understand why we are talking about whether or not it's acceptable for a man to use prostitutes

The fact is, he has been unfaithful to you repeatedly for years. Spending your family money on something he would know wasn't acceptable.

I don't think there is any excuse for that.

However I forgave my exH when I found out he'd spent thousands on private cyber sex sessions with webcammers, over 3 years. Similar to your current situation.

He never stuck to any of our agreements, he just got better at covering up. And yes he did it again and I felt like a mug.

So if I was you I'd cut your losses now (and go and listen to Take a Bow by Rihanna)

Unfortunately this has been going on since the beginning of time ! Remember going to Pompeii and the tour guide showing us the remains of the local brother ! Yes it’s gross, but let’s face it there’s probably many people’s partner’s on here who have used/ using prostitutes without the wife/girlfriend knowing . A male mate of mine had this discussion before and he told me loads of his mates had used them !! It’s all pretty disgusting to be fair 😞

• local brothel not brother 😂

Agree with the PP who said this is worse than a one night stand as getting caught up in the moment can't even be used as a defence.

Arranging sex with escorts will require forward planning, therefore his crimes are premeditated.

It's a no from me, sorry OP x

Once a punter, always a punter.

And why should the burden of monitoring him - monitoring your own partner to che k they're not fucking other women, prostitutes or not, behind your back ... fall on you. That's ridiculous.

Also, if he wants to find a way around it, he will. Second phone, second sim, hidden apps, secret email account etc.

It's impossible for you to monitor and you shouldn't have to.

He doesn't deserve a relationship let alone a marriage with somebody.

Get the fuck rid of him.

(Oh and common garden prostitutes turn over men quite quickly, far too quick to get symptoms of stds before having sex with the next punter ... and condoms don't guard agai at all diseases ... so he risked your health and that of your unborn children, on top of the infidelity, decent and abuse of family money).

*deceit