Has anyone been able to forgive sleeping with escorts?

[Rosethorn35]

Recently found emails that revealed “D”H has been cheating on me with escorts for the last 3-4 years. We have a 3 year old DS and I’m currently pregnant. Divorce now feels inevitable and I’ve read so much that supports this. But H really wants to try and fix things and is willing to give whatever assurances I need e.g. all finances in my name, passwords to all of his accounts, phone tracker etc.

Is it possible? Has anyone made this work? It makes me feel sick to consider it at the moment but there was enough good in our relationship that I want to know I thought it through

No I could never forgive this. It shows a deep disrespect and dislike for women, paying one/many to sleep with him, I couldn't get past it. I'd be horrified. I would be horrified too if my DH had an affair, but there is a slim possibility I could forgive because an affair is about emotions and lust, things that sometimes don't make sense and we're all human, we are all capable of making mistakes and being led by our heart instead of our head. But paying women for sex isn't about emotions or lust, it's about something else and is more than a mistake. I would never be able to look at him in the same way again, let alone forgive him and continue to share a bed with him. Vile.

This.

Is your bar so low that this is what sort of behaviour you accept from a partner?

You are worth far more than this.

I'm sorry OP this must be devastating. There's no way I could forgive and move on from that x

I’m sorry, that must be awful.
No, I couldn’t forgive and move on from something like that. I would find it too vile and sleazy to ever forgive and could never look at him in the same way again.
When your main feelings are revulsion and disgust I don’t think you can come back from that. The betrayal of trust, the manner in which it was done, the paying to use women, the risk of STI. Just gross.

Let him put all the finances in your name (no surprise that he thinks he can buy your compliance too), get all the passwords and then proceed with your inevitable divorce. Tell him to give his next wife the tracker as a wedding present.

While you were/are pregnant too. What a fucking deviant. I'm so sorry.

id say this as long as you can afford it.

It's everything isn't it? It's the plotting in advance, the furtiveness, the approach, actually meeting with her, telling her what he wants, the discussion about money, deciding to go through with it, doing it, pulling up his pants afterwards, leaving her with a smug grin on his face...

I would've lost so much respect for him I couldn't carry on with it.

He's a lying, cheating, rapist. I'm sorry op. It's harsh, but that's the reality.

I think men are genuinely horny and will pay for it… because they want the variety or just hassle free sex.

he is going to do it again….

You'll never trust him again.

He doesn’t see women as equals. He pays to have sex - no consent. Great example to your son or a daughter. Nope I would never trust him. I would always look at him and think yuk. We we had sex I would always be thinking about him paying for sex, getting BJs off strangers that he has paid. These could be 18 year old trafficked girls. Nope.

Take a long hard look in the mirror and tell yourself repeatedly “I deserve better than how this man has treated me”. Say it for as long as it takes for you to believe it.

I'd never forgive that. Anyone who treats women like meat or watches porn is not the man for me.

I'm so sorry, OP. But you should not ever forgive this. He has risked your health and his children's health by potentially passing on an STI while you were and are pregnant. You will never know what sex acts he engaged in, how often, how risky. He is a liar who will continue to lie.

You need an STI screening now, and will need to have others to be sure nothing turns up later. And when you are waiting and worrying for the results, please please remember that he put you in that position. On purpose. Repeatedly.

Stop trying to forgive. Start trying to feel justifiably angry.

Worse than an affair. It shows he views women as commodities, beneath him, just flesh to but to satisfy his needs. I couldn't be friends with a man like that, never mind in a relationship with one.

Sorry I wasn’t expecting so many responses so quickly. Thank you all for replying - I’m reading through and thinking about everything now.

To answer some things immediately I already have the STI test sorted and I’m waiting on the results. H isn’t staying here - I asked him to leave when I found this out. He’s with his brother who knows what’s going on and isn’t happy with him.

I know there’s really only one way this can end but if I’m going to upend my life I need to know I’m certain. Right now my entire reality feels questionable.

Why would you forgive four years of cheating with prostitutes?

He has no respect for you and it did not bother him that he could lose his family in the process.

He is only sorry that he got caught and is making the right noises right now to try to pacify you.

Regain your self-worth, get an STI check and divorce him...

To those wondering how there could have been anything good about him please keep in mind that I knew nothing about this. I read threads on here about lazy and rude husbands and thought how lucky I was to have someone who happily looked after me (I have a history of mental illness which has caused more than a few problems) and took on more than his fair share. Now I know that Mr Perfect was overcompensating but it’s going to take some time to process that the man I thought I was married to never really existed.

I’ve never been through this and I’m sorry you are, but it would be unforgivable for me. There’s the obvious betrayal of you and your family and the spending of shared money to do it.

I also have a real issue with men who use escorts, as it is treating (often vulnerable) women and their bodies as a commodity. It doesn’t imply a respectful attitude to women at all.

You will have your own boundaries but I couldn’t sleep with my husband knowing that he had done this. I can’t think of anything that would be able to pave a way back.

You need to grieve the relationship you thought you had, and accept the one that was the reality. And that takes time.

You don't have to decide anything right now if you don't want to. But make sure that what happens next is on your terms and not his - he's lost that right.

@JaninaDuszejko ”You are talking about escorts and thinking about continuing the relationship. I assume that means you are OK with prostitution”

This was upsetting. I’m in no way ok with prostitution but it’s a broken, disgusting industry in a world of broken, disgusting industries and whether or not I leave my husband won’t change that.

I know there’s really only one way this can end but if I’m going to upend my life I need to know I’m certain. Right now my entire reality feels questionable

You poor thing. You must be floored by this revelation. Do take some time away from him if it’s possible while you work through your feelings and next steps.

Nope. That's gross x

I’d expect he wants to stay married so you keep his filth secret for him, and so his time when he’s coercing women isn’t eaten up by having to parent his kids, or pay child maintenance when that cash would rather go to coercing women.

It would be this male, solely, who is upending your lives by his choices. He thinks you’re desperate enough for a man that you’d want to monitor him😄🤢are you not furious that he holds you in such poor regard?
I’d be telling everyone what he’s done, and how much family he robbed to rape these women.

As to the finance side of things I’m horrified that he’s used so much money this way but he was clever. He won some money a few years back - we’re not talking lottery jackpot or anything but the win was bigger than he told me it was and that’s the money he’s been using. In his head it wasn’t part of the family finances but obviously that’s nonsense as it should have been.

And yes that’s another lie to add to the pile.