Has anyone been able to forgive sleeping with escorts?

[Rosethorn35]

Recently found emails that revealed “D”H has been cheating on me with escorts for the last 3-4 years. We have a 3 year old DS and I’m currently pregnant. Divorce now feels inevitable and I’ve read so much that supports this. But H really wants to try and fix things and is willing to give whatever assurances I need e.g. all finances in my name, passwords to all of his accounts, phone tracker etc.

Is it possible? Has anyone made this work? It makes me feel sick to consider it at the moment but there was enough good in our relationship that I want to know I thought it through

I had this when DD was a baby. I didn’t leave. I was 26. We had two more DC. I’m now 43 and divorced him a year ago for being an abusive bastard. One of my biggest regrets (not the DC obviously) is that I didn’t leave when I found out. My relationship got worse not better and I think he was almost empowered by the fact that I didn’t act when I discovered one of the worst kinds of betrayals. We also, to the end, had lovely elements of life and time together that kept me hanging on. No one is awful all of the time. But oh I wish I had acted then, who knows where my life would have taken me?

Also, Mumsnet unanimously told me to leave and I ignored it.

The only person who threw a bomb into your life and your marriage is him.

He has lied and cheated for years. He has spent thousands on getting his cock wet which should have been going on your family. When you were wrangling your toddler alone and feeling desperate and lonely, he was fucking a woman he paid for. When you were excited about your new baby and having a new sibling for your son, he was planning when he could next get away to fuck another woman he paid for.

He has zero respect for you, your children, your marriage or your shared life. He has put it all at risk over and over again to pay to rape women.

He's scum.

*family money

I'm so sorry. This must be so gut-wrenchingly shocking for you. I couldn't ever forgive:

The sustained cheating - over several years
The lying - over several YEARS
The family money spent on prostitutes
The fact he sees women's bodies as commodities - as something you can pay to use is disgusting
The fact you couldn't ever trust him again. You know he was willing and able to lie to you for years.
Could you ever really be attracted to him knowing what he thinks of women? What he thinks of you and your marriage? His utter lack of respect for you?
Do you want to be in a relationship where you have to have access to passwords, bank accounts and phones in order to know if you husband is lying to you or not?

What woud he have done if you hadn't found out now? He'd still be doing it. Possibly for many more years. As long as he could get away with it. All that time spending family money on buying sex, lying to you, cheating on you, putting you at risk of STIs.

If he was truly sorry, why did he keep it up for several years? He's only sorry he's been caught and is now trying to convince you to stay so he doesn't have to deal with the embarrasement / loss of reputation / inconvenience and cost of losing his family.

He has wrecked your marriage. That is 100% on him. I know what you mean - you want to be certain before you end what appeared to be a good marriage, but a) you shouldn't have to twist yourself in knots trying to accept and forgive abhorent behaviour to save a marriage that clearly waasn't what you thought it was, and b) he isn't who you thought he was.

You deserve better.

No I couldn’t.

Cheating? Maybe I could forgive as were all human and make mistakes.

But going out of your way to find someone, booking them, draw the money out, book a hotel etc etc is all too premeditated and that’s what would hurt me the most.
All of the times you were thinking you were happy, he was thinking about the next time he was going to use one of them.

I know women who have worked as escorts and they’re not all sleazy or drug addicts.
Some are very high class who require the men they have sex with to have an up to date STI test etc - this is obviously better than someone who’s being trafficked or is desperate for money but I still couldn’t forgive him.

Have you asked him why he used them?
Quite often men will go to them because they want to do something they don’t usually get to do.

No. Not in a million years. Not so much the escorts, but simply cheating

How many women has your DH damaged? I include you in that.
How many of those women wanted to sell themselves? How many had men selling them to other men? Imagine if that were your daughter.
How could you ever ever consider staying with a man who rents another humans orifices to spunk into?

TBH whatever other people are doing doesn’t matter. Whether other people can forgive (or not) doesn’t matter.

What matters is what YOU think.
Handing over passwords etc… is good. It lows you to check on him. But that’s nit what you need. What you need is to rebuild the trust.

All the couples I’ve known who stayed together after such a big discovery have only been able to do so after having long discussions on boundaries, agreeing on how to move things forward and effectively starting from scratch again.

None of them have had the same relationship than before. They’ve had something different build on a different rules and principles. All of them have had to work hard at it and did a lot of work with a counsellor.

And it only worked because BOTH were happy to work through the hurt, new boundaries etc…. If the idea that he slept with prostitutes means you will never be able to look at him with any respect, it might not be the right move for you.

I could never forgive that. He thinks that it's okay to buy a woman's consent, how could you possibly entertain having sex with him ever again now that you know that?

For me it wouldn't be the cheating, and it wouldn't be the paying for it or the risks of STIs.

I simply could not be attracted to a man who likes that sort of sex. A man who actively wants to have sex with a woman who does not actually enjoy the sex, who does not actually like him, who even probably hates him but cannot afford to say so.

That is a million times worse than a man who is merely having an affair.

How did he manage to do this without you knowing

yes I was here 4 years ago with exact post about the man I loved doing this to me to our family, it's been 9 years I stayed, I forgave and were now separating due to the constant lies and disrespect I face daily. he begged for my forgiveness and would prove how sorry he was. I believed him however now we're here 9 years later and I'm miserable, he regularly seeks out women and he's a narcissistic vindictive person. it have him a green light to do want he wanted without consequences because I had already forgiven him for the worse. I've been gaslight for 4 years. I've paid for rent and bills monthly and we would normally live off his wage in between well now I've opted out he's changed all the banking passwords and is with holding money. at the end of the day the choice is yours but if I could go back, that would've been the last time. I wish for nothing but the pain to just be over. This man and I had such a close relationship and bond that I never would've believed it had I'd not found it all out

Please don't think this is all your life is worth. He is a deeply, deeply fucked up individual and you will never be able to change somebody who is damaged on that level. He might get better at hiding it, your self esteem might be broken enough to turn a blind eye, but he will not change. I know how excruciatingly painful this part is and how your whole world has been ripped apart. I forgave a cheater, thinking it would stop the pain, but all it did was store the hurt up time and time again until eventually he did it one too many times and I had to deal with that whole massive barrel of pain all in one. I thought I'd die from the pain. But a year on? Life is incredible. Not having to constantly worry about what he was doing or when it'd happen again is the best kind of freedom. You don't realise how ill it makes you, living with that heavy cloud. You will thrive on your own. You do not need this disgusting sociopath.

This is a horrible thing to be going through while you are pregnant.

How far along are you? Honestly, I think if I were in your shoes, I'd be inclined to ask him to leave to give you space (or at least set up a bedroom in a spare room if possible) but I would park making any decisions either way until after the baby arrives. I'd quite literally be saying - I don't know what I want to do - I will think about this after the baby arrives until then, just give me some space but be around to help with the other DC.

You don't have to have all the answers or know what you want to do right this moment or for the next few months. I think it is one of those situations where you can say 'I will deal with you later'.

Do you have someone else you could ask to be your birth partner?

Once you forgive, you have given them the green light to treat you like shit for the rest of your life.

Unfortunately he'll likely find a way to do it without you knowing.

You'll also feel rubbish having to control him to that extent.

Sadly, he's ended your relationship. I really don't think there's any coming back from that in the long term.

Lots of love, can only imagine how stressed you must feel with a little son and another child on the way.

Me, personally? No, I absolutely couldn't forgive it.

As others have said, this isn't a drunken, misguided fumble in a night club (which I would still leave my DH for, tbh, but I think is more understandable/forgivable), this is a planned, sustained, and chosen course of action, and that would be unforgivable for me. He's not truly sorry for his actions, he's sorry you found out.

Also, this e.g. all finances in my name, passwords to all of his accounts, phone tracker etc. just sounds exhausting. So not only do you have to put in all the emotional labour of forgiving this twat, you're now also having to take on the role of parent and policing his behaviour so he doesn't cheat again? Fuck that, how absolutely tedious.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP, but honestly I'd go with your gut on this one. I don't think staying with him is a path to anything but misery and angst.

I couldn't forgive this because it would mean he wasn't who I believed him to be. The layers of lies necessary to conceal not only what he was doing but his absolute contempt for women to think he can pay for their consent would kill my love for him stone dead.

Sounds like a complete and utter scumbag. Have you spoken to any of your family about his behaviour?

Not in a million years woild I forgive this. Being unfaithful to you multiple times is appalling enough, but how could you want to stay with a man who paid to use women's bodies? No, it won't make any difference to the sex industry whether you stay with him or not. That's not the point. The point is what this says about what kind of person he is.

Oh God no.

I’m in no way ok with prostitution but it’s a broken, disgusting industry in a world of broken, disgusting industries and whether or not I leave my husband won’t change that

Well no, but it would mean you aren't sharing a life, home and bed with someone who paid money into that industry because he thinks women are orifices for male entitlement.

He cannot have known whether or not they were trafficked, abused, coerced etc. His desire to pay for access to women's mouths/ vaginas / anuses was worth more to him than the risk he was just another man abusing them. Which is more likely than not.

He's vile. And that's without the fact he put your sexual health and risk and has been scarily deceptive to have hidden this for so long. And risked your financial security. And risked your mental health being absolutely battered by discovering this.

He should make your skin absolutely crawl thinking about him booking, having sex with and paying women for access to their bodies not knowing their circumstances. He'll say they were all happy ones who work for themselves etc. The reality is that in all likelihood more of them were victims of abuse and coercion than those who weren't. Most of them in fact.

There's no upside at all to staying with this man.

OP It shows you what he really thinks about women doesn't it ? Treating them like a commodity, and... if you had not found out he would still be doing it.
If you forgive him, and this is only my opinion.. you will have showed weakness, and endorsed what he is doing.
He will do it again.. and again and again and again at every opportunity.

Is that really how you want to live OP? Constantly checking up on him

Sorry, don't agree. A lot of attached men pay for sex because they are not getting their needs fulfilled at home in whatever way they want them to be and see this as a way of getting their needs met without the risk of an affair where one or both could get emotionally attached. I am not saying I condone or agree with it because I certainly don't but to say all men who pay for sex hate women is a sweeping generalisation and just untrue.

Also if a woman makes herself available for sex in return for payment, then unless she is being forced to do it, then it is purely a business transaction and no-one else's business other than that of the 2 consenting adults. Women bleat on about female empowerment and being free to make their own choices but if their choice to sell sex doesn't fit in with societal norm then suddenly they are victims and men are bstars? Sorry, can't have it both ways. Slate me all you want MNers.

In answer to OP, I would say that once the trust has gone, there is no getting it back. Having to monitor his movements will build resentment and bitterness for both of you regardless of how much you might want to make it work - living with/under suspicion is no life.