DH and work colleague - am I being naive?

[Solihull1990]

Not sure what the right way to feel is - this is quite long, but I want to set the scene because I’m really not sure. 

I’ve been with DH for 10 years. We’ve had tricky moments along the way, but generally a happy and settled relationship, and we have a 12 month old son. 

DH has a busy job, and he works long hours. I’d forgotten quite how busy he was pre-pandemic - although he’s stayed just as busy over the last couple of years, being able to see him in the morning and at lunch and evenings etc has made him feel much more present. He’s started going back to work half the week, and when he’s gone it’s long hours and in his job there’s regularly an obligation to attend dinners / drinks etc. This has always been the case and I don’t mind - he’s a really present parent when he’s home and the division works for us. 

however, for the last 6 months or so, DH has been on a busy project in work. It’s meant regularly really late nights (home at midnight), and nights away from home. 

a few months ago, DH messaged me at about midnight saying a female colleague was struggling to get home due to a tube strike, and asked if she could stay in our spare room. I of course said yes - I didn’t know this colleague but if she was stranded then it made sense. I was in bed before they got home, but left out some toiletries and bits for her in the spare room. She stayed the night, but was gone before I got up in the morning. 

Last week, DH went out for a business dinner, and returned home late after I’d gone to bed. I woke up, and heard him on the phone, clearly really drunk. He was clearly speaking to a woman, and was saying how much he missed her and how much he liked her, and how he couldn’t wait to see her. There was some vague discussion about a photo she'd sent him but I couldn't tell the context. 

I knew there was no point discussing it when he was in that state, but I brought it up the next morning. He immediately apologised, and said he was talking to the colleague that stayed at our house. He said they were both really drunk and it was just a stupid conversation. She’s also married (he says happily), and he’s adamant there was nothing more to it. he loves me and our son and is really sorry. 

there were no changes in his behaviour before or since, or nothing to indicate there is anything more to this. I can’t see this is a reason to throw away my family for a stupid phone call, but I’m also worried I’m being stupid.

I am sorry OP, but he is lying to your face and that's what guys like him do. Just lie and pretend it was a mistake bla bla and cover their tracks.
There is no such thing as an innocent friendship with a work colleague whom you call drunk in the middle of the night.
He conveniently deleted the chat. Wow! Poor him!
No matter what you decide, your relationship will never be the same again. I've been there and I haven't been able to forget and forgive. Till today!
One more thing: most affairs happen at work!

Oh sweetheart, even if it’s at best an emotional affair… you’re worried about humiliating who exactly?! Because he clearly didn’t give a shit about making a fool of you and your family when he was making those calls, sending those texts, thinking about her, looking at those photos.

With each follow up post it seems like you’re trying to convince yourself ‘surely’ it can’t be all that bad. But surely you can be kidding yourself that nothing is going on here? You wouldn’t have created this thread. It’s in the title of your OP. Since you asked… yes, you’re being massively naive.

What a truly stupid post.

I wouldn't like a woman who was making lovey dovey calls to another woman's husband late at night, and deleted all her previous messages to said man after she was overheard either.

Get it.

Thanks all.

Little update. There's no WhatsApp chat backup. There are no photos in the deleted folder.

I asked about his phone and he handed it over. There are other calls - they work together so calls in the middle of the day don't ring alarm bells. But one stuck out - it was when he had to drive somewhere on the weekend, which was 1-1.5 hours away. There's a call from the time he was out, and they were on the phone for an hour. Most of his drive.

I asked what they spoke about for an hour and he said it started as a work call but they just get along so just became a catch up chat.

The feeling in the pit of my stomach is back. He told me "carried away" about the call chat meant that they clearly get along well and so that slipped into what was an inappropriate conversation.

He recognises this was a betrayal and says he won't speak to her except where necessary for work. He's apologised.

I can't shake the feeling that there's more to it then he's said. Are they having an affair already? Were they about to? Is he into her? Oh god.

The feeling in the pit of my stomach is back. He told me "carried away" about the call chat meant that they clearly get along well and so that slipped into what was an inappropriate conversation.

Poor you OP.

He must have gone into more detail about what getting 'carried away' and 'inappropriate' means / you must have asked?

As in flirting / talking about meeting up / what does he mean?

As far as I'm aware, whatsapp always has the backup option for chats so I'm not sure what's happened there - has he just told you it isn't available? You can delete backups however so I wonder if he did that.

"As far as I'm aware, whatsapp always has the backup option for chats so I'm not sure what's happened there - has he just told you it isn't available? You can delete backups however so I wonder if he did that."

I don't have my WhatsApp chats on backup so maybe he doesn't either. I don't have anything to hide, I just have the backup turned off

Ah ok sorry I didn't realise it was a feature that could be turned off, my bad. Sorry OP maybe that's the case for him too.

If you have the money hire a detective for a couple of weeks. You'll know right away what he's up to. They usually charge 30 pounds per hour.

He recognises this was a betrayal and says he won't speak to her except where necessary for work. He's apologised

Oh that's alright then, business as usual.

Sorts nothing out for you, does it.

I'm so sorry @Solihull1990
An hour long conversation?

He's enjoying time with her waaaaay too much. And I say that as the least jealous person ever. Lines are definitely being crossed.
I have zero problem with my DH enjoying the company of female friends, but if someone became that important to him, I'd expect to be brought in. To spend time with her too.

This absolutely doesn't sound right

His "auto back up" setting is set to off, so there are no backups.

Is the female colleague single or with someone?
Apologies if you have already said.
Do you know anyone else that works with your DH?
Do you have any friends that you could confide in?
Have you checked bank statements, credit card bills etc for any unexpected transactions?

Yes, in terms of "inappropriate".

He said they get on well and it's very easy company. So in the drunken call, it edged into inappropriate as in "I miss you"s and "I like you"s because he got carried away with them getting along well and so had stupid drunken chat. He's adamant he doesn't have feelings for her.

It might sound bad, but the hour long call has hit me harder than the drunken one. What's he talking about for an hour with this woman who he clearly clicks so well with. He must have called her as soon as he got in the car and chatted basically until he got to his destination. It's like not wanting to waste a second not speaking.

He's in love with her or infatuated or something, isn't he? He's adamant he's told me everything. 😥

She's married. I have met a few people from DHs work, socially and quite formally. No one I would talk to about this - and probably no one that would tell me if something was going on between them.

I haven't spoke to anyone in real life. I don't want to taint my friends or family's vision of him or us until I know what's going on.

I think PP who suggested bank statements is probably right. If "business dinners" and late nights are on there rather than his business account then I'm going to know aren't I. I feel sick.

Sorry OP but yes he does have feelings for her.
You don't spend an hour at the weekend talking to someone you see every day and talk to for a long time - by his admission - at work, unless there's something else going on.

As you said, he's finding time to speak to her outside of work as well as every day inside of work. Why on earth would ANYONE do that if they didn't have serious feelings for them?!

You know this is wrong. That's why you can't shake it off.

Also regarding the WhatsApp chat backup. This can be changed at any time. It's perfectly possible that he had backups activated before you heard the drunken call, then switched them off so he could say "But I don't have any...look!"
Just all far too convenient for me.

Can't you kick him out of the house for a month while you get your head around all this? It'll be interesting to see what he does if that happens.

The drunken phone call and miss you's is clearly a problem.

But I get on very well with a male colleague and we would easily spend an hour on the phone, talking and gossiping about colleagues, family etc. We speak at least half a dozen times a day and work closely together. There is absolutely nothing else between us.

My husband has a similar set up with a female colleague, who I've met numerous times.

So that in isolation wouldn't bother me.

The drunken convo is another matter. I don't believe you're at LTB territory yet, it sounds like he's made a stupid stupid mistake, but I would certainly be keeping my eyes and ears very open.

I am so sorry OP. You are going through hell. He doesn't have the guts to admit to anything, so he will keep on repeating the same story again and again.
The issue here is how you are feeling and how you can cope with this situation. I am afraid there is nothing you can do regarding the pain and heartache. Also, it might take a while to trust him again. I do understand why you are upset about the one hour conversation. He was sober. He can't use excuses like being drunk and he meant to call and spend that time with her. I don't know if they were having an affair already, but the intent was there. And it doesn't matter. Whatever he did hurt you. And it's all that matter right now.

Follow your gut...

I’m sorry for you OP 💐it’s a torture what you’re going through.

As upsetting as it is, you must see through his bullshit.

He’s only admitting to what you already know. It leads me to believe that’s it’s just the tip of the iceberg, and they crossed more boundaries than just chatting on the phone.

Sadly, he sounds like the type who won’t admit to anything unless you catch him red handed. and even then he’ll be adamant “ yeah I did it but … it’s just … nothing more”.

They probably will just be more careful from now on.

Honestly OP.. I think you know. It this were me, the trust all gone and the wondering what, why ,where , and his list of excuses... would be enough.
Stop worrying about what you don't know and concentrate on what you are going to do for yourself as he does not appear to care that all of this is eating away at you.

The drunken convo is another matter. I don't believe you're at LTB territory yet, it sounds like he's made a stupid stupid mistake, but I would certainly be keeping my eyes and ears very open.

For how long though @AhNowTed ? For how long should the OP have the investigation open into her DH’s (in)fidelity ? Every late night, every work trip, every evening at the pub, every phone call, wondering if he’s talking to the OW whilst looking after their child, doing his laundry and cooking family dinners, wondering what he is up to?

Id say fuck that.

But that’s me - an affair would be a 100% a deal breaker for my marriage.

But I understand some people might have different views and try to forgive and stay.

Yes, he is clearly attracted to and has feelings for OW. He tells her how much he misses her and can’t wait to see her. She is sending him photos. On his weekend drive they are ‘together’ via their cozy hour-long conversation.

Soli, he is continuing to take you for a fool. He downplays that they just get on well, but this is not a platonic friendship. He and OW are building emotional intimacy and reliance, and he is thriving on the illicit ego validation. It feels like there’s been an escalation, so it’s unlikely that he will truly back off.

You’d be wise to set a consequence by showing him the door. He needs to feel the loss of you to understand that you mean business.

I don’t think this is indicative at all one way or the other. Plenty of men having affairs with colleagues would charge dinners to their business account. My cousin’s ex husband charged whole hotel stats with his OW to his company card.

I’d have much more respect for your husband if he came out and said ‘yeah, you know what, I’ve developed an attraction to this woman and I’ve been a complete dick and allowed it to go too far. I want to 100% focus on my marriage - what do you need me to do?’.

A man does not spend hours on the phone with a woman if he doesn’t fancy her. To expect you to believe he doesn’t is absolutely ludicrous, and you know this, OP. You just want to believe him - of course you do. But you have to believe yourself.

If it were me - marriage counselling immediately for starters. I don’t think it’s clear if a full blown affair has begun, but the deleted message are deeply deeply problematic, and the intent is clearly there - I don’t know if I’d ever be able to move passed that. I’d also be insisting he moves jobs - some may say that’s extreme, but so is a divorce or spending the rest of your life in fear, anxiety and mistrust.