DH and work colleague - am I being naive?

[Solihull1990]

Not sure what the right way to feel is - this is quite long, but I want to set the scene because I’m really not sure. 

I’ve been with DH for 10 years. We’ve had tricky moments along the way, but generally a happy and settled relationship, and we have a 12 month old son. 

DH has a busy job, and he works long hours. I’d forgotten quite how busy he was pre-pandemic - although he’s stayed just as busy over the last couple of years, being able to see him in the morning and at lunch and evenings etc has made him feel much more present. He’s started going back to work half the week, and when he’s gone it’s long hours and in his job there’s regularly an obligation to attend dinners / drinks etc. This has always been the case and I don’t mind - he’s a really present parent when he’s home and the division works for us. 

however, for the last 6 months or so, DH has been on a busy project in work. It’s meant regularly really late nights (home at midnight), and nights away from home. 

a few months ago, DH messaged me at about midnight saying a female colleague was struggling to get home due to a tube strike, and asked if she could stay in our spare room. I of course said yes - I didn’t know this colleague but if she was stranded then it made sense. I was in bed before they got home, but left out some toiletries and bits for her in the spare room. She stayed the night, but was gone before I got up in the morning. 

Last week, DH went out for a business dinner, and returned home late after I’d gone to bed. I woke up, and heard him on the phone, clearly really drunk. He was clearly speaking to a woman, and was saying how much he missed her and how much he liked her, and how he couldn’t wait to see her. There was some vague discussion about a photo she'd sent him but I couldn't tell the context. 

I knew there was no point discussing it when he was in that state, but I brought it up the next morning. He immediately apologised, and said he was talking to the colleague that stayed at our house. He said they were both really drunk and it was just a stupid conversation. She’s also married (he says happily), and he’s adamant there was nothing more to it. he loves me and our son and is really sorry. 

there were no changes in his behaviour before or since, or nothing to indicate there is anything more to this. I can’t see this is a reason to throw away my family for a stupid phone call, but I’m also worried I’m being stupid.

Seriously m.netters I'm sorry but you all sound like you hate men I'm sure 80% of you have said something stupid when drunk he's not denying it op go with your gut sometimes it's a waste of time asking people that don't like men 😂

My husband would have to be earning an amazing salary for me to accept regular late nights, early starts, meals/drinks out all the time etc. But even then I don't think missing out on his young family is worth it.

Now isn't the time to leave OP. You don't have enough evidence. But it's only a matter of time.

I think their cheating.

At the very least, I would be asking him to give me her number, to stop messaging her outside of work, and to show me his phone regularly.

As others have said, colleagues don't speak to each other like that. That wasn't the first time they've flirted, and it won't be the last.

People suggesting I get her number or contact her - would this not be horrendously humiliating? I didn't hear her side of the convo. I didn't see the messages. I don't know her part.

He's told me that they clearly get along well and so, with the alcohol, just "got carried away". He's maintaining the same line and the convo is now going in circles

Ask for the messages to be reinstated. Watch his immediate reaction.

Of course he could have just had a crush on her that was about to cross the line into an EA, and he has now realised what a god-awful monumental fool he's been, and what he stands to lose.

No I would not get her number nor try to contact her - I don't understand people saying that.
It is him you need to deal with.

Try to get the messages back, as the first step, so you can find out how far back this thing goes.

Hi OP, I really feel for you this is a tough situation. I do have to say though I think you need to dig into what is surely an admission of guilt on his part? “Got carried away” for me is something you need to be very clear about

got carried away - with what? Their feelings? Their language? What was actually said for him to admit they got carried away and delete their messages? If this was my husband I would really need to know that detail.

it doesn’t sound great and if you boil it down to the facts:

this female colleague and he are close enough that he deemed it appropriate for her to sleep over at your house

they are close enough that they have a private chat thread on their personal (presumably not just work) phones

they are close enough that they send messages and pictures to eachother

they are close enough that they drunkenly talk on the phone late at night

they are close enough that you have heard him say he misses her

he has admitted they get along and that they just “got carried away”

if you boil it down to those facts frankly this is not the behaviour of a married man with a young child. Or certainly not one I would want to be married to.

for your own sanity / self worth, I think you need a really clear conversation with him / her / both of them where you can establish what this relationship actually is. I would also want to see the deleted chat. And then I think you need to really decide if you’re comfortable with his behaviour going forward.

sorry again for this situation x

He's treating you as though you're stupid. Tell him to stop gaslighting you because you don't believe his bullshit story.

OP with respect, are you serious??? He was chatting to a female, late at night, one he seems to know well... telling her he missed her? Wants to see her? Talk of photos??

This clearly is NOT a one time, off the cuff, drunken embarrassing call. There is history here... this call is a continuation of something thats already going on. Emotional affair at least and if not caught, would escalate.

He must be so smug to have you believing this utter shit.

I’m so sorry @Solihull1990 but I suspect that you’re being naive. Once you’ve seen it happen to somebody close to you/it’s happened to you it becomes easy to spot the red flags and as PPs have pointed out, there are lots here.

I hope that it was a drunken, one night thing, but sadly I suspect not (for a start, would it have just started that night? It doesn’t make any sense) and you need to do some digging. Good luck.

The fact he deleted the texts is damning OP. He deleted them so you wouldn't see them. He is either having an affair with her or wanting to have an affair with her.

His language is so manipulative. Every word he uses is for damage limitation. It is all about minimising the situation. You caught him out on two things: a phone call and a photo. He is gaslighting you, using passive and minimising language such as got carried away. It's going round in circles because he is focusing you on what you know and keeping you from digging. Now is the time to retrieve the WhatsApp chat so the he can help you to 'put this to bed'. His response will be your answer. The other red flag is her complete lack of thanks for the kindness you showed her. GUILTY CONSCIENCE.

How dare he express adoration to this OW. In my view, this is infidelity.

Soli, your H’s faithless behavior didn’t come out of nowhere. He’s been investing in OW for a good while. He has opened a window to her and brought her into your marriage and family.

He’s playing you like a fiddle and hiding the truth. I would insist on retrieving all the messages, and would then send him away while you weigh your options. He needs to clearly understand what he stands to lose.

He deleted their conversation, because there is likely more to it than what he told you and he was worried you were going to ask to see it.

I think I would find it difficult to move on from this, because I would continue to question if there is more that he is hiding.

The question is, are you going to trust him or drive yourself crazy every time he works long hours with her?

How are you OP? Any update?

I agree that it sounds like he's hiding something. That doesn't have to mean the end, but he needs to start being honest so you know what you are working with. Continuing to deny, minimize and not reinstate the messages leaves you in limbo.

He deleted their chats? Their whole chat history? How very convenient.

If I've got this right, he was out with work collegues, but not this woman. She sent him a random personal picture of her out with a friend. (why?), he had a 'drunken' lovey dovey conversation about how much he misses her and likes her. (because she wasn't at the work thing he was at. So if they have nothing going on why on earth would he even be calling her?). He had been whatsapping her mushy shit too.(isn't that what you do with someone you're missing and in an actual relationship with?)
And then he deletes their entire chat history (indicating this was not just a one off, but likely showed very regular contact and with stuff in there he most definitely didn't want you to see. Otherwise he;d of deleted just that one 'embarrassing' message).

It was not about him being 'embarrassed'. if he had been 'embarrassed' he'd of whatsapped her the next morning profusely apologising for being a twat. Has he done that?
Incidently, did he delete the whatsapp messages AFTER you asked him about that phone call? I bet anything that he did.
you told him you'd heard the phone call, and he knew you'd be asking to see the messages and the photo.

I'd check his 'deleted photos' section on his phone. he may have deleted and then forgot to delete from the deleted folder as they stay in there for about 30 days I think. And I agree with a previous PP, that photo he showed you was probably not the one he was talking about on the phone.

Also if he has an iphone, you can check just how many whatsapp messages were going back and forth that night, and previous days, by checking in the screentime section, and then in the 'notifications' section of that and it shows how many notifications for whatsapp were made on any given day. If it shows for example, there were 50 notifications that night but only 2 whatsapp messages for that day showing in his whatsapp, you can determine they were very much engaging back and forth and it wasn't just a silly one or two drunken messages.

I'm so sorry, but he sounds like he has crossed a line and hes admitting to the bare minimum.

Please read 'the script'. he is following it.
He knows you know about the phone call and the photo. So thats ALL he is going to admit to.

Ask him how many times he whatsapped her that night. If he says just once or twice and the screentime notifications show its way way more, you'll have your answer.

I'd also check his call history.

you know the time he was calling her that night, so her number will show on his phone in the call logs. See how often that number gets called and when.

Nah I wouldn't contact the woman.

Check his what's app back up, phone cal history and deleted phones folder. Does he have other linked devices like an iPad? Check that too.

The woman my exh had an affair with was known to me and she had met me and our dc (while something was going on). She also came to a big birthday party of his, where I was, along with our dc, our family and friends...while she was obviously sleeping with my husband. People think they are being clever by carrying out their affairs in broad daylight.

Also, my exh had a "drunken one night mistake" with someone a lot earlier in our relationship when I was pregnant and our youngest was under 2. He says it was just a kiss but I will never know. I decided our marriage and family wasn't worth throwing away over one mistake, and it wasn't if I'm honest. We had another 10 happy years together. Until he had a full blown affair.

Your dh may sincerely regret his behaviour and I hope you both move on and have a happy life together but just don't let your guard down completely because once that itch is there...

Some women are proper brazen about it so it wouldn't surprise me about her sleeping in the house. A man I used to work with had a mistress and she would lord it about and treat the wife when she saw her with contempt like it was her that was entitled to him, not the wife. Shame because the wife was a lovely woman.

This is my view. I just don’t comprehend how the op thinks they don’t have a personal relationship and aren’t even friends, that it was just one drunken night, how she thinks that’s even possible

no one goes from thanks for the report to sending personal pics, late nights drunken phone calls about how much they miss each other, and can’t wait to see each other and what’s app messaging like that etc with nothing in between. It simply doesn’t happen.

plus if you’re regularly working late nights, out drinking together on these late nights till after midnight, the op has no idea what he’s actually doing.

op there is no point keeping asking him he’s not going to tell you. It’s your decision if you wish to believe it or not. But I think deep down you know. You must do.

Op out of curiosity did you back up his chat?

Telling her he really likes her suggests to me it's an emotional affair, not physical yet.

(You don't need to say stuff like that when you're already physical).

If she's the same one who stayed at your place, it may have been "friendly", verging on emotional affair so she perhaps didn't feel guilty about it.

(Not that plenty of ppl don't feel guilt about even a full blown affair).

He's deleted their messages for a reason.

The way they've behaved suggests an emotional affair, at least.

All the late nights long hours, working away is very unfair to you and your family, regardless of the infidelity aspect.

What we're the ups and downs in your history together that you mentioned?

Even if you ask for his phone to backup the chat, his reaction will tell you a lot.

I agree, ask him to retrieve the chat, whether he willingly hands over the phone OR shuffles about and makes an excuse will give you your answer.

I couldn't leave this as it is though, I'd have to dig further.

Him handing his phone over without question would go a long way to being able to let it go, so hopefully that's the reaction you'd get

I see no point in contacting her, she could tell you it's innocent and be lying or telling the truth, you wouldn't know. I wouldn't ask her for screenshots either as I don't think I'd feel comfortable sharing my conversations with someone's wife even if they were innocent, but maybe that's just me.

I hope you get to the bottom of this