STBEH punishing the kids because he is raging at me.

[Lookslikesrain]

I'm being bombarded with hate mail today and last night because I asked for a fair divorce settlement instead of what he proposed. He has this morning emailed the kids school and said he is pulling them out (fee paying) due to financial issue due to divorce and they have acknowledged it.

Its purely out of spite for me.

I never ever thought he would upset the kids as a way of getting to me.

I have only asked for 20% of what im legally entitled to so I can use it as a deposit to buy a house. He wanted to give me 10%. The reason im not going for it all is because I don't want to have a horrible fight to death over it and I am only just getting in a ok place after the worst two years of my life.

So I don't know what to do now, the kids break for summer holidays in a few weeks, no school to go to.

The deal was he didnt pay me maintenance and he would pay the school fees, I was happy with that. But now because I wont agree to pocket change he has decided to give he is pulling them anyway.

I have taken so much on the chin since we split up because I wanted the kids to be protected from it and I feel that because I have been so fucking reasonable about everything to protect the kids - that the thinks I will go back and take the 10% to keep them in school.

Any advice?

Get legal advice ASAP
He is emotionally and financially abusing both you and your children
Find a good family lawyer and let them fight for everything you are entitled to- I think you need to change your mindset from what you will accept to what the law says you are entitled to.
The courts are used to people like him who may try to hide money, so a good solicitor will know what to look for and may even use a forensic accountant. But don’t worry about any of that- that’s their job!
I hope the new school is one you can see your children at.

It may also be worth contacting Women’s Aid

He's a nasty piece of work. My dad did this to my mum - she accepted nothing and he got away without providing for her and his family. Now she is in old age with nothing and she did not need to be in this situation. Please, please DO NOT do this - you may not think it matters now but further down the line you will regret it. Now is the time to be strong - do it for your children.

You may feel that you can't face the fight but you won't get another chance in 20 yrs time.

You need to take every penny you are entitled to, because men like this who own their own businesses fiddle the books to be "earning nothing". You will not see a penny of maintenance going forward. He'll try to make you feel bad for going for half of everything. But he'll make you feel bad anyway!

Leave it to the Judge.

If private school is the stick he's trying to beat you with do you really want 10+ more years of this?

This - there are lovely state schools out there - and moving at 9 and 5 aren't bad years to move - my younger two children were these ages when they moves areas and schools and it went much smoother than I expected.

Get a good legal people and go for everything you can - as clearly you can't trust him to honour any arrangements between the two of you without some legal backup.

There is literally no benefit to taking less than is yours from the divorce. Remember - this isn't his money he's giving to you, it's family money that you need to divide fairly between you. IT ISN'T HIS MONEY.

If you take less than is fair, you make your own life harder, your children's lives harder, you let this bully win, and he'll still bully you anyway. He wants to bully you.

Get a good lawyer. Only talk through them. Save his offensive messages (maybe get your lawyer to write a letter referring to them and asking for them to stop) but don't engage. I know it's tough right now, but this will pass - and you want to be as well set up (and as fairly set up) as possible then that happens.

Now you go for every penny you and your kids are entitled to. He’s shown he will screw you every way possible. Vile man.

I would also ask that he continues to pay the school fees as part of the financial agreement

And go through CMS now. So sorry 💐

As others have said, go for everything you are entitled to under the law- that is what is fair. It’s the responsible thing to do because he has shown that he can’t necessarily be trusted to protect the welfare of your children above all else. If he is prepared to withhold education to punish you that means you need to get as much control of the resources as you possibly can for their sake. Try to stay calm and be the grown up in the situation. He’s acting like a wounded animal, which is maybe understandable but you have to protect you and your children’s interests above all else. Try to confine any communications to be via solicitors if you can.
Try not to let this get to you, it’s not personal and it’s probably not even intentionally vindictive, but keep as much distance from him as possible because it’s likely he will do and say more things he will regret in future.
If I were you, I would not read the emails or texts etc but instead just put them in a folder or forward directly to your solicitor for their records.
You will get through this, things will be good again and sooner than you think x

He's self employed you need to get a shit hot lawyer and forensic accountant and get as much as you can now.

You need to tell him nothing, discuss nothing he need to act fast before he hides all the money etc.

He will never be fair or nice or not damage the kids. You will end up in court so crack on with it urgently.

Lots of great advice here.
Go to a solicitor and get absolutely everything you are legally entitled to.
He has really shown what a shit he is and that he doesn't care about his kids' welfare.
It's disgusting what he has done. I can understand that financially maybe private school fees wouldn't be affordable after a split but it should have been discussed properly, not him just ringing the school and pulling them out.
He is absolutely vile.

Kids will be fine in a state primary.

Get independent advice and use your lawyer to negotiate a settlement.

My X and I were locked down together trying to negotiate a settlement. I hated it and we screamed at each other with every new legal letter causing more stress. I even threw water over him and slapped him. He now tells everyone he was domestically abused.

Your X sounds like a bully. You have to stand up to them. I did with my X re his crazy demands. He'd been a SAHD.

Whatever you do he will hate you and be poison to the kids So ffs get everything you're entitled to.

I honestly think he’s done you a huge favour at this stage of the children’s education. He’d have been holding the school fees over your ;and their heads) for ever more. They’d never have felt secure.

At least now you can get yourself a SHL and rinse him for everything you can.

I agree with this as well. Move as fast as possible on everything, the time for expecting any good faith on his part is over, be very careful who you discuss this with as well try to keep it just to your legal advisors and don’t discuss what you are planning legally within earshot of your children.

He’s never going to play fair or pay fair.

I agree with others to look at getting the dc into state schools. You will be in a much better place to support them emotionally and help them succeed in life if he hasn’t ground you down. Cut any of the strings that allow him to control you; school is one of them. Your dc will be better off with stability.

Go for everything you can get. I’d look for a higher proportion of assets and no maintenance if that’s practical so that he can’t weasel out later but I don’t know if that’s possible.

We’re here to hold your hand as you go through this.

I assume you can’t afford private school on just your earnings?

Definitely go for CMS but if he’s SE this payment could fluctuate every month and is going to cause a lot of stress.

Go for whatever you’re legally entitled to but I would manage your money like he’s not going to contribute - if you can’t afford it don’t do it.

As a PP sending them to private school if you can’t afford it without him is going to mean he has years of control over you and can stop it at any moment.
There are many non private schools that are much better than private schools, so please do not worry about this.

He sounds like a vile person that he’s taking it out on his own children.

The gloves are off OP, he has reneged on his promises so go for everything. Don't let this fucker get away with it.
I went for less than I was entitled because my ex was such a bully and always regretted it as we had to live in poverty for years - your kids deserve the full amount, if you don't get it they will miss out.
He broke the deal, he deserves all he gets now.

He has probably spent many years breaking you down into the person you are with him today.

Now is the time to pick yourself up, put on your 'FO Shield' and come back fighting.

All the best to you OP.

Oh yes, and they don't stop bullying you even if they get what they want - my ex didn't I had 5 years of hell before finally getting an injunction.

Ok OP

1. Get a good solicitor, now. You can’t do this on your own, and if you try he will ruin you. Conduct all communication via the solicitor and refused to engage with him unless it goes through your solicitor.
2. Show your newly minted solicitor all his abusive messages. this will make a difference because mediation is not recommended where there is abuse involved, and clearly his conduct is abusive and probably has been throughout your marriage.
3. Do you have your own money? If you do have access to a decent amount of funds, ask your solicitor about employing a forensic accountant. You’ve said he has his own business so he’ll be trying to hide assets where he can, and a forensic accountant will be able to find out his tricks.
4. Apply to the court. he’s going to be an absolute nightmare and drag it out as long as he can, especially if he feels like you’ve got him cornered, and only the court can settle it because he’ll have no choice other than to engage.

oP he’s not going to play nice. You might want to be amicable and be willing to walk away with less than you’re entitled in order to keep the peace, but you shouldn’t have to settle for less, and if he was a decent human being he wouldn’t expect you to. He’s already shown you that he’s going to fight you every step of the way, so make sure you tool up and fight back properly.

I can tell you now that there are three certainties: The first is that you’re wanting to be nice will not last. pretty soon you’ll be annoyed at yourself because you’ll have wasted time The second is that he wants to screw you over, and somebody who wants to screw you over deserves no quarter from you, and the third thing is that in time you’ll realize this and be really pissed off with yourself if you settled for less and not fought as hard as you should have.

Yep, it’s never going to be done. Get everything now to minimise his hold going forward. Poor kids though, what a horrible man.

And this blasted website will mess up my numbering no matter what I do.

Go for 50/50 You are going to have a fight what ever happens

Dont let him get away with anything