STBEH punishing the kids because he is raging at me.

[Lookslikesrain]

I'm being bombarded with hate mail today and last night because I asked for a fair divorce settlement instead of what he proposed. He has this morning emailed the kids school and said he is pulling them out (fee paying) due to financial issue due to divorce and they have acknowledged it.

Its purely out of spite for me.

I never ever thought he would upset the kids as a way of getting to me.

I have only asked for 20% of what im legally entitled to so I can use it as a deposit to buy a house. He wanted to give me 10%. The reason im not going for it all is because I don't want to have a horrible fight to death over it and I am only just getting in a ok place after the worst two years of my life.

So I don't know what to do now, the kids break for summer holidays in a few weeks, no school to go to.

The deal was he didnt pay me maintenance and he would pay the school fees, I was happy with that. But now because I wont agree to pocket change he has decided to give he is pulling them anyway.

I have taken so much on the chin since we split up because I wanted the kids to be protected from it and I feel that because I have been so fucking reasonable about everything to protect the kids - that the thinks I will go back and take the 10% to keep them in school.

Any advice?

I also vote for getting everything you can.

Get a SHL. Assume ex will dick you around on maintenance so get as much in assets, lump sum, pension that you can upfront.

If you get 50% or even 70% you can pay school fees yourself. Or pull kids out now and they will be absolutely fine in state.

He’s going to rage, fight and call you names whatever you ask for, so you may as well make your children’s lives better rather than trying to appease him.

You need to get hold of, and copy, every single piece of financial information you can find, before he starts hiding everything. Tax returns, pension information, pay slips, credit card bills, bank statements. If you have joint accounts you need to speak to the bank asap to prevent him changing passwords or emptying the accounts. He sounds controlling and abusive, so a chat with Women's Aid would be a good idea. What is your situation regarding living expenses?

He’s going to fuck your over even if you took 1% of what you’re entitled to, because, in his eyes how dare you fucking divorce him!

so you may as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb. Bleed him dry. Every penny. Every stitch. Every brick. The thing to remember is that it will be the SAME FIGHT no matter what you do.

Agree with everything pp have said.

• Communicate through solictor (don't answer his calls)
• Make sure your lawyer is damned good
• Go for your full claim - you can always choose to settle later but you might still end up with more than 20%
• Don't be blackmailed - hold your ground. Explain to your children daddy has made a mistake with thinking he can't afford it if he tells them it's your fault.

Also presumably your children will be in school til end of term? Because fees would be paid already for this period?

Keep all abusive texts and emails.

You are making a HUGE mistake not going for everything you can.

He is going to abuse you and your children either way.

At least if you get a lawyer you will get what you are entitled to.

Please don't make the huge mistake of appeasement.

It never works.
You always lose.

You need to hand this over to a lawyer to fight on your behalf and tell them of the abuse.

Any man who would do this to his children is scum and you have proof that he doesn't care about his children.

Why would you allow him to rip off your children.

Get onto Women's aid for support and get a good solicitor to act on your behalf.

Stop engaging with him.
Tell him everything will now go through a solicitor.

If he comes to your home, with any aggression, call the police.

Please tell family and friends the truth.

Don't forget - he'll still be earning a great salary post divorce.

You need to be really strong here. He is abusing you and no doubt has left you feeling worthless over the years.
You must protect your children's future by doing everything you can now to get all you are entitled to. 70/30 sounds a good starting place. Get a lawyer, everything through them. Show lawyer abusive messages.
His narrative will be you are a cow even if you ask for nothing. His behaviour is shocking. I wish you the best of luck x

Yes you need to go for everything. Take it to court. You can actually get it included in a court order that he pays the school fees as he has done up to now... that one will bite him on the bum. (You can also include contributions to university fees/costs)

Ask around locally get the details of a good solicitor. They will have a field day with him as he is absolutely not playing fair. The fact that you think you can live on 20% shows that he has lots to play with. You can also ask for a higher share of assets on the expectation that he will find a way to hide future earnings.

Then set up one of the co-parenting apps and block him on absolutely everything else. That way he will show his true colours to the child courts too when it comes to a child arrangements order.

You can do this. He believes you can't and that he can walk all over you - but you need to find your mama bear - he is attacking you kids!!

You'd be choosng to rob yourself by only getting 20%, take him for every penny. He's vermin, only communicate with him by email or text, never by phone or in person. He's your solicitors problem.

Please get legal advice urgently. You are entitled to way way more than 20%. Stop communicating with him and get this into court. Who does he think he is? Please don't allow him to bully you into submission here, your settlement is likely to 3 x plus what he's offering.

Oh and get a CMS claim in TODAY!

I agree with everyone else. Go for the 100% of what you are rightly owed and put in the claim with child support. Keep any aggressive emails or text messages.
Unless you can afford to fund school yourself then put them into a state school or look at slightly cheaper independent or gramar schools, if there are any in your area. You have another few weeks till term ends, so start looking pdq. Its unfair that he is using their education as a control over you, but by making the plans quickly you are limiting the potential damage.
Again - you MUST go for 100% of what you are owed.

Oh and remember - no matter what he promises in maintenance he can go to the child maintenance service 2 years after the court order claiming his income has changed and he cannot afford what he agreed. They will take 14% of his declared salary for you.... but he will have spent time/money on an accountant in that time to reduce his declared income to close to zero. Men like this are bastards.

If the best he has to come at you with is petty name calling, you can be sure he's shitting himself that you'll take a lot more money than he wants.

Make sure you consider everything - any properties, pension pots, bank accounts, savings accounts, high value possessions like cars etc.

If you are still sharing a home, get photos of every piece of paper you can find with links to anything that's worth money or might indictate he's hiding financial details from you.

Do you work? Can you afford the school without him?

Everything all these good women have told you.
It will not be easy but do not roll over.
He will use the kids' access visits next.
Ignore every dick move.
It is not too late for state school transfer, esp for the 9 year old. Apply as the primary care giver now.
And ffs take 50% or more, pension etc
Every single goddamn penny.

Your children are so young that changing schools will be easy now compared to doing it in a few years time (and if you don't do everything he wants he will threaten their schooling until the day they are finished with it), get really good legal representation and go after every single thing you are entitled to, what arrangements are in place for him spending time with the children? Is he likely to go for 50/50? And could he cope if he did get it? Don't be bullied, you left him and don't need to put up with his behaviour any more. Stand strong Girl, you'll be fine, you've got through the biggest step by leaving him.

Oh, and if you can block his number then do. Tell him all correspondence is to be a via email and set up a new email address just for him. If he wants to be abusive, he can damn well put it in writing for a court to see in future.

Sorry you're going through this. It is awful. If it's any consolation, my ExH did the same to my DC - pulled out of private due to "financial pressures" (the pressure turned out be that he wanted to put his new DC in private school aged 5 so decided my secondary-aged DC could leave their school as he couldn't afford his share of their fees and his new DC's.

My DC have now left school. The change was very disruptive but was far more disturbing for them was all the acrimony it caused between me and ExH and all the contradictory stories they heard from each of us about the reasons they had to change school. They heard far more than they should about their parents' financial battles and it damaged them.

Even if your ExH agreed to pay the fees for now, he could change his mind later/his financial circumstances could change. It will be better for your DC to get settled in a school which doesn't require his financial support, sooner rather than later. Go for all you're entitled to in the divorce so that you are in the best position to run your and your DC's lives without needing anything from him.

What an arse.
All bets are off now. hes not going to be reasonable and you need to protect your kids. How dare he mess about with them and their lives.

Nail him for absolutely everything you’re entitled to, he’s already being a nasty cunt, and then lay the fees yourself.

You need to go for the full amount you are entitled to.

Absolutely

Now is the time to find your anger.
He is being vile, and now using your kids as weapons.
Time to get into protective mumma mode with the wrath of Mumsnet behind you, find yourself a good Solicitor and take every penny from him that you're entitled to.
If he isn't willing to play ball, then it's time to take him to Court.

Thanks for all the messages , ive read every one and really needed to hear this this morning.

Ive just contacted a school near me and I have an appointment with the head next week. DD9 is VERY sensitive and its her im worried about

I am too passive with him which is weird really as I am normally a 'take no shit person' but I just desperately needed balance after the fall out from the split.

I caught him on dating websites and taking people out for meals and when I kicked him out I had three weeks of pure hell. The he just stopped one day but I was just absolutely battered emotionally, like he had physically kicked the shit out of me.

He has his own business so im sure he will find a way of not paying what im owed.

Please don't accept less than you're entitled to because he's being a dick.
It might be a tough couple of months but it will absolutely be worth it. Think of the kids.
Private school at that age won't make a huge difference.