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Original poster

STBEH punishing the kids because he is raging at me.

423 replies

Lookslikesrain · 21/06/2022 10:15

I'm being bombarded with hate mail today and last night because I asked for a fair divorce settlement instead of what he proposed. He has this morning emailed the kids school and said he is pulling them out (fee paying) due to financial issue due to divorce and they have acknowledged it.

Its purely out of spite for me.

I never ever thought he would upset the kids as a way of getting to me.

I have only asked for 20% of what im legally entitled to so I can use it as a deposit to buy a house. He wanted to give me 10%. The reason im not going for it all is because I don't want to have a horrible fight to death over it and I am only just getting in a ok place after the worst two years of my life.

So I don't know what to do now, the kids break for summer holidays in a few weeks, no school to go to.

The deal was he didnt pay me maintenance and he would pay the school fees, I was happy with that. But now because I wont agree to pocket change he has decided to give he is pulling them anyway.

I have taken so much on the chin since we split up because I wanted the kids to be protected from it and I feel that because I have been so fucking reasonable about everything to protect the kids - that the thinks I will go back and take the 10% to keep them in school.

Any advice?

OP posts:

WalkerWalking · 21/06/2022 10:57

OK, the kids are young, they'll be absolutely fine. It's better that this has happened now, rather than having him dangle the threat over your head for the next 10 years (I teach in an independent school, and one of my kids is in a similar position, and she often comes into school in tears because her dad's threatening to pull her out. It's a horrible, insecurity for a teenager to deal with) Now you're free to ask for whatever you're legally entitled to.

LittleOwl153 · 21/06/2022 10:58

Use this attack on your children to find your anger.

He is not going to respect you he never has I suspect. He is not going to hand over even 1% of the marital assets without calling you all the names under the sun so you might as well take at least 50%. He's doing this to grind you down. He already has you in a position of accepting 20% how low can he get you.

Go for everything - including half his big fat pensions.... he cannot exclude them either.

Weenurse · 21/06/2022 10:58

Agree, you will be the bitch no matter what.
Go for everything you can, so he knows what you are entitled to , then negotiate from there.
You won’t seem so bad when he realises you are entitled 50% or more, and then you ask for less, if you still want to.

mummymeister · 21/06/2022 10:59

Well its time to wise up and toughen up now isnt it. He has shown to you very clearly that nothing is off limits in his attempts to hurt you so that is your sign now to go for every single penny you are entitled to. Every time you waiver and want to row back on this, think of your kids having to leave their school. This is beyond nasty and you are the only person that can fight for them. Get a solicitor now today. stop engaging with him. dont read his texts. so what if he calls you names you are an adult you know this is pathetic so stop paying any attention to this behaviour. Unless you take a stand right now, today, this man is going to ruin the rest of your life because this isnt going to stop. and why is he doing it? because its having an effect. take away the effect and he will realise what a pathetic little twat he is. Remember you owe him NOTHING.

toddlingabout · 21/06/2022 11:00

You may be able to get a grant to continue with independent school education...

educational-grants.org/find-charity/?all=1

With the divorce, you are doing your kids a favour by getting everything you can financially to support you and them. He has shown he will not support them through choice, so make sure you and them are protected. Don't forget about pensions and housing. Get child maintenance and spousal. The more you have, the more options available for you and your kids.

crumpet · 21/06/2022 11:00

The thing is that you are already now in a horrible fight. You can’t avoid it. So accept it and go in with what is a fair amount - which is at the least what you are legally entitled to.

EvilPea · 21/06/2022 11:01

Lookslikesrain · 21/06/2022 10:56

Thanks for all the messages , ive read every one and really needed to hear this this morning.

Ive just contacted a school near me and I have an appointment with the head next week. DD9 is VERY sensitive and its her im worried about

I am too passive with him which is weird really as I am normally a 'take no shit person' but I just desperately needed balance after the fall out from the split.

I caught him on dating websites and taking people out for meals and when I kicked him out I had three weeks of pure hell. The he just stopped one day but I was just absolutely battered emotionally, like he had physically kicked the shit out of me.

He has his own business so im sure he will find a way of not paying what im owed.

That’s why you need the assets. To protect the kids from his fuckery.
hes not going to play fair, you’ll plod along nicely and then he’ll fall out with flavour of the month, or the kids will want to miss a visit and he’ll hold maintenance against you or school fees.

at least if your in state school, and you’ve got a home sorted. your protecting your dd from him twatting about later. Imagine at secondary he started this. It’s hard, I know it’s hard. But better now.

MrMrsJones · 21/06/2022 11:01

Fuck him, take what your entitled to. Plus a slice of his pension.

Quartz2208 · 21/06/2022 11:01

@Lookslikesrain at 9 and 5 they will be fine - if it were High School it would be harder both for them and finding somewhere but at this age and having no fees (can they see out the term?) contacting your LA and finding a school is the best and really only option.

Do you have a solicitor? I assume he is still in the marital home and you have moved out? How much does he see them.

Getting this through court and getting a clean break financial order (of at least 50%) and contact set out is your only way out.

It is going to be hard and it is going to be a fight but otherwise you know now he will hang this over you

Throwaway4680 · 21/06/2022 11:03

What everyone else said.

Also, look at it this way OP: your Dd can still see her old friends, plus with the money from a better settlement, the children can get involved in all sorts of sport, dance, music and drama extracurricular activities where they will make new friends.

Plus you can get tutors later if any struggles around GCSE stage.

70kid · 21/06/2022 11:04

If he’s self employed count on 0 maintenance

so go for every fucking penny you can and more

he isn’t going to be nice no matter what
one of his “ possessions “ ( you ) isn’t doing what he wants so he will punish you no matter what you ask for

nonamesyet · 21/06/2022 11:04

With the business, you can get something like a forensic accountant /forensic divorce lawyer. They can find hidden accounts etc and help make sure you get a fair deal.

The cost of your lawyer can be taken from the estate.

If his stuff is still in the house, get copies of account statements and numbers, shares, pensions etc, business account history.

Thinkingblonde · 21/06/2022 11:05

Quartz2208 · 21/06/2022 10:23

Contact your LA and see what state schools are available. No longer having this hang over you could be a good thing.

Talk to the school - I assume he has paid until the end of this term (and may well have extra to pay) check with them what it means

Get a solicitor and ask for 50% - which you can do now the fees are stopping

Claim CMS

And explain this to them - not going to private school isnt the end of the world and you can get through this. How old are they

This.
He has shown his hand now, he’s shown he’ll play dirty. So you get a shit hot lawyer and get what you’re entitled to, not the crumbs he throws your way and then step on your hand when you go to pick them up.

HandbagsnGladrags · 21/06/2022 11:07

I honestly wish I'd had all of this advice when I got divorced.

GingerFigs · 21/06/2022 11:07

At 9 and 5 private school is really not going to make much difference. As others have said you need to remove the power that he has over you. Otherwise he will use it every single time over every little thing.

Send them to state school. Go for what you are entitled to. You don't need to deal with him directly. Grey rock. So what he calls you names. Ignore ignore ignore.

Apply for what you are entitled to, including CMS and create a better life for you and your kids where he can't dictate.

ChocolateHippo · 21/06/2022 11:09

Get every penny you can. When you're moving house, take primary/secondary schools into account in deciding where to buy. Don't give him this lever to hold over you and your children for the next decade or more.

BackToTheTop · 21/06/2022 11:11

The dc are a good age to move schools, speak to the LA and also do some homework re ofsted reports etc, get them in a new school so he can't use this against you

Then go via the cms and get child maint

After that speak to your solicitor and go for exactly what you're entitled to in the divorce

If he's going to be a complete bastard you might as well make it worth your while

warofthemonstertrucks · 21/06/2022 11:13

Call your LA school admissions department. You will probably need to fill in an request form for admissions next September. It's quite simple to do.

Then get yourself a very pro active solicitor. Ask what you are able to ask for and ask for it. Be fair. But not soft. I was and I'm now skint. Exh is not.

Don't engage with him re anything except politely about child care arrangements

Record everything. Every abusive text. Every action he takes. Everything.

Strap in. He will be angry and will try to get to you whilst this process is ongoing. It will be lengthy probably. But worth it.

Good luck

MrsKeats · 21/06/2022 11:13

Block all routes of communication except through a lawyer.
If he finds another way to harass you contact the police.
Take all you can.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 21/06/2022 11:14

Get everything you're entitled too. He is going to fight you no matter what and given his behaviour you can't rely on him to support the kids in the future, like at University. He's showed you who he is loud and clear, someone who's willing to screw his kids over so he can get back at you for daring to stand up to him. Get what you can for your children's sakes and to give them financial security as they grow up. You don't know what the future holds, you could very badly regret not doing this one day.

Hermione101 · 21/06/2022 11:14

Go for the maximum you can get, for your and your children's future. Don't let him bully you!

Bollindger · 21/06/2022 11:15

Do child support today, online.

He can't avoid paying you what you are owed.
20% OMG he really does think your stupid, please go take him to the cleaners, your owed about 70%, and he knows it, and the school thing will not be liked and you have the messages to prove why he did it.
Please do this for your children, get what you really deserve and let him see he can't bully you anymore.
Mumsnet will help you, they are good at that, Never reply the same day to him always think through all the angles, and I bet his pension is worth loads, as he will have been stashing as much as he can it in, as he is his own boss.

Dixiechickonhols · 21/06/2022 11:20

Get decent solicitor. Stop silliness about only going for part of your entitlement - get fair settlement and court order confirming it. Claim child maintenance. Enrol children in state school then he hasn’t got that to beat you with. Keep record of abusive messages.

iRun2eatCake · 21/06/2022 11:20

bloodyplanes · 21/06/2022 10:28

He isn't going to be reasonable no matter what you do, so go for the maximum you are entitled to.

Totally agree with this.

You need to re-think what you are doing.

This is your only chance to get you and the DC financially secure for the future.

The name calling is exactly that... just names... try and let wash over you. Mine did the same. However thanks to numerous threads I'd read on here, l was expecting it.

If I'd settled for what my XH was "generously" proposing, we'd have been homeless. You may be able to purchase a home with 20% but aren't you and the DC worth more then that and deserve more?

You really need to think long-term