STBEH punishing the kids because he is raging at me.

[Lookslikesrain]

I'm being bombarded with hate mail today and last night because I asked for a fair divorce settlement instead of what he proposed. He has this morning emailed the kids school and said he is pulling them out (fee paying) due to financial issue due to divorce and they have acknowledged it.

Its purely out of spite for me.

I never ever thought he would upset the kids as a way of getting to me.

I have only asked for 20% of what im legally entitled to so I can use it as a deposit to buy a house. He wanted to give me 10%. The reason im not going for it all is because I don't want to have a horrible fight to death over it and I am only just getting in a ok place after the worst two years of my life.

So I don't know what to do now, the kids break for summer holidays in a few weeks, no school to go to.

The deal was he didnt pay me maintenance and he would pay the school fees, I was happy with that. But now because I wont agree to pocket change he has decided to give he is pulling them anyway.

I have taken so much on the chin since we split up because I wanted the kids to be protected from it and I feel that because I have been so fucking reasonable about everything to protect the kids - that the thinks I will go back and take the 10% to keep them in school.

Any advice?

You will only get one chance to get what you deserve, so he's relying on you backing down/being too scare or exhausted to stand your ground. I really hope you fight for every penny.

Also, he can direct all comms via your solicitor, so you can block him on everything and don't have to face his bile every day.

He has his own business so im sure he will find a way of not paying what im owed.

Yep. So you need to get everything you can in the divorce, for your children.

OP you really need to shape up.

You are protecting your children by getting your correct settlement. Children move schools all the time they will be fine.

I would really encourage you to get a good family law solicitor and make sure you get what you are entitled to. Don’t settle for anything else. This isn’t just for you, it’s for your children. I’d do it quickly, too.

you owe it to your children for him to pay you, and divide the assets, according to what is fair. And that includes maintenance etc.

And (as i learned from the Archers) in divorce forensic accountants are a thing. Make sure you keep copies of all abusive messages (screenshots, prints, etc) and note dates, times of any abusive calls etc. And all communication now on through a dedicated email set up for the purpose, and/or your lawyer only.

Me too. My ex was being so vicious and horrible that I backed down for the sake of harmony, getting things settled etc, thinking that if I gave in to him he would realise how 'lucky he was' and what a good deal he had. But of course he is still bitter, angry, a twat etc. even giving me 1% would have enraged him so I may as well have gone all in and at least made MY financial life (and therefore that of the children) easier.

As others have said, get a SHL and take their advice. He is going to kick off whatever you do, so you should have an expert and objective third party. Don’t otherwise communicate with him. Do it for your kids, they are worth fighting for the best deal for. He’s already shown he will fuck them about to spite you. Good luck x

Dear god above GET A LAWYER and do this properly. For your childrens' sake if not your own. You thought you could avoid unpleasantness by selling yourself (and you kids though I realise you didn't think it would work out that way) short. Now you know it is going to be unpleasant anyway, you might as well claim the lot. There is no less demand = less unpleasantness equation here.

The fees instead of maintenance isn't a workable solution. He could get the requirement to put fees overturned after 12 months and child maintenance is a legal requirement so you could claim it from him anyway. (I know many get out of paying it but the kids are entitled to it in theory)

He should have kept quiet until the finances were sorted because 20% would have been a bargain but nasty fuckers like that can't help themselves. He would be verbally abusive even if you'd been awarded £10 so you have nothing to lose going for as much as possible so you can protect the future.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing

i defended for ages and it got worse, I kept thinking if I’m nice it’ll be better for the dc

eventually I attacked, and guess what it got a whole lot better

then slowly things got worse again

i turned round and attacked again

it stopped, I had little contact - purely about the D.C. and any abusive messages respond - see your solicitor with this to each and everyone - it’s click bait

This. Stop playing nice and take him for every penny you can get. And block him on everything, communication via solicitors only.

Yup. Stop expecting anything from this abuser. Protect yourself and the kids by standing up for yourself, not backing down.

If that is his attitude, take as much as you can at the outset. Experience has told me that they generally just stop paying maintenance regardless of whether they can afford it, it happened to me and made things very difficult. My advice is take whatever you can get to begin with as it’s likely you will be left short in the long run. Also I think it’s despicable that he is using the kids against you as much for the kids sake as for yours.

What does your solicitor say about all this? It's a dreadful false economy not to go through legal channels in a situation like yours.

Get lawyered up, and tell him all future correspondence about the divorce needs to go through them.

It's time to put on your big girls pants and wise up. Your children are being effected. SHL time, don't delay, don't falter. You have to be brave.

OP my exh did this too. He made our 8 year old come out of his lovely pre prep and go to a state school. I offered to pay half fees but he just refused. He also wanted the lion's share of everything. We had a house and business together. He kept offering me the house, worth about 20 percent of total wealth, and him to keep business but the business was worth far more than house and I worked in business too and had built it up from scratch with him and still worked there and owned 50 percent of the shares. It was horrible but in the end o handed it over to solicitor and told her just get me best you can but only tell me at end as I don't want to be subject to hundreds of decisions. She did a good job and got me 55 percent of total wealth plus pension share which meant I gained about 26 percent of his pension to add to keeping ally own. You have to fight for not just you but your children too. Don't let him bully you. Hand it over to solicitor and tell them get everything you can please. I did not ask for maintenance but got clean break settlement. I had enough to get another smaller house and some left for savings. Exh has never forgiven me and we been divorced for 18 years now. Best thing I ever did divorcing him.

THIS THIS THIS

He sounds like a prick! I agree with everyone get everything you can. If he has his own business he will hid things and CM will be affected.

I just really don't get how some men can f#ck over their own kids like this. You are doing everything to make it as easy as possible for them because you are their parent and love them, you'd think he would/ should feel the same.

If private school is the stick he's trying to beat you with do you really want 10+ more years of this?

He's shown his hand and prepared to fight dirty and abuse you. You need a clean break from him financially. If he wants the kids to stay in private education that's on him.

But you need to get as much as you can in the divorce.

A friend went through similar. The Dh funded a very very expensive hobby and used this against friend and fought her all the way. It took years.

It's not financial difficulty it's fuckwittery and abusive to them.

Get angry.

He is going to fight you whatever, stop being the martyr and get the decent lawyer and get a claim in for way more and let him argue it down to what you want (I would say def go for more than 50% overall as you will no doubt have the kids more than 50/50 and don't let him pretend its gonna be 50/50 either. If he has a Big Important Job he wont ever prioritise them) The lawyer is key though get one that takes no prisoners and can out big ball him and his, it will be worth it in the end.

Oh and the judge took a very d view of exh trying to keep everything for self and not share assets fairly. She challenged his solicitor as to why he had presented the plan he did and when judge ordered pension share order too exh eyes bulged out of his head he snapped at his own solicitor and he turned and marched out of court before judge had finished. Judge then said she could see why the finances had taken so long to settle.

Schools normally require a term's notice. If the school is waiving that due to the sob story your STBEx told them, it could be worth telling them there are no financial difficulties, it's just that he's trying to force you into accepting no maintenance.

My solicitor got me a forensic accountant who found secret accounts I had not even known about. After case finished I dated him and later married him. Still married to him and he has been an exceptional step dad toy children.

Do not let this man fuck over you and your DC because you don't want to fight - put on your big-girl pants, get a solicitor, and then get everything you and your DC are entitled to. 50% is a good starting point, but you could demand more in lieu of maintenance (so you don't need to worry each month he won't pay).

You need proper legal advice, DO NOT roll over and accept a shit settlement because it's easier. Future you will thank present you!