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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

STBEH punishing the kids because he is raging at me.

423 replies

Lookslikesrain · 21/06/2022 10:15

I'm being bombarded with hate mail today and last night because I asked for a fair divorce settlement instead of what he proposed. He has this morning emailed the kids school and said he is pulling them out (fee paying) due to financial issue due to divorce and they have acknowledged it.

Its purely out of spite for me.

I never ever thought he would upset the kids as a way of getting to me.

I have only asked for 20% of what im legally entitled to so I can use it as a deposit to buy a house. He wanted to give me 10%. The reason im not going for it all is because I don't want to have a horrible fight to death over it and I am only just getting in a ok place after the worst two years of my life.

So I don't know what to do now, the kids break for summer holidays in a few weeks, no school to go to.

The deal was he didnt pay me maintenance and he would pay the school fees, I was happy with that. But now because I wont agree to pocket change he has decided to give he is pulling them anyway.

I have taken so much on the chin since we split up because I wanted the kids to be protected from it and I feel that because I have been so fucking reasonable about everything to protect the kids - that the thinks I will go back and take the 10% to keep them in school.

Any advice?

OP posts:
howtomoveforwards · 23/06/2022 10:53

he's not going to be around in their lives anyway, is he? He's only interested in them as weapons against their mother

in my experience, men like this don't walk away. They do everything they can to hang around in the background like a bad smell and make life as hard as they possibly can. As soon as the OP starts showing signs of strength and happiness, he'll up his game. Mine hasn't let go in what is now 13 years. Loosened the ropes a bit..., but not let go.

Original poster
Lookslikesrain · 23/06/2022 17:46

Hello all thanks for the responses.

I don't want him dead as it would ruin the kids but if I had a delete button for where all traces of him would disappear - I'd press it.

We had a few antics on Tuesday night, he has now said the kids can stay in the school and he will give me what I asked for - after still complaining about it.

But I feel like this is a massive double bluff because he knows that its pocket change to what im entitled to. I think some one has told him to keep his mouth shut but act like he doing me a favour.

Spoke to a solicitor and she sounds like she knows what she is talking about says I will regret it if I don't go for what im entitled to but I honestly don't know if I have got the stomach for the battle im know I will get.

He was never ever verbally abusive or physically abusive when we were with each other - when we split I had never seen such white hot hatred towards me. and it scared me a bit. For three weeks he verbally battered me. If he was picking the kids up it radiated of him in waves. He was sneaking in to the house when I was out ect. then one day three weeks later it just stopped. But it left me emotionally battered and not the same as before. it made me realise this man must have deeply hated me for a long time to say such things

He was very much like that on Monday and Tuesday.

Went and met my friend today and she gave my head a wobble and I know I would be a complete dickhead if I didnt go for what im entitled to and I will its just reckoning that up in my head because I have a little voice in there saying stuff like 'but he wasn't that bad, what if he does kill himself,I had every thing I wanted anyway, this might ruin him, why should you have part of a business you didnt build?

🍷

OP posts:
georgarina · 23/06/2022 17:49

You need to go for what you're entitled to. He will not make this easy for you whatever happens; he saw you were standing up for yourself so he knew to change tack.

If he sees that that's worked, he will just switch and become abusive again and you'll be kicking yourself for accepting so little for yourself and your kids.

georgarina · 23/06/2022 17:52

Just to add - my mum got an unfair settlement and we had nothing. We had to share a foldout bed. She had to ask him for money for EVERYTHING, and he could continue to abuse her that way.

Think about what you'd actually be setting yourself up for. He would have all the power, and you would have to ask him for things and deal with him and his abuse constantly.

If you get a fair amount, you won't need to deal with him. You can maintain life for yourself and your kids without begging him. THAT would be the real nightmare.

SnapDog · 23/06/2022 17:52

That little voice sounds like it’s actually his voice, it might take while to separate that from your voice as it sounds like he has been in your head for quite some time.

Abuse doesn’t have to be physical or outright “verbal abuse”, it can be manipulation and control and a slow slow erosion of your self esteem and sense of power.

Fluffycloudland77 · 23/06/2022 17:59

Marriage is a partnership, when it ends the law recognises this so it’s 50-50 as a starting point.

bloodyunicorns · 23/06/2022 18:07

Go for everything you are entitled to. The kids deserve it.

billy1966 · 23/06/2022 18:14

This isn't just about what you are entitled to, this is what your children should receive.

You can bet someone has told him to say nothing, pay for the schools and get it over the line.

It will not stop his abuse, that is who he is.

I think you need to tell your solicitor just how vile he is.

Do not allow him past the door.

Get a video bell that will record anything he says to you at handover.

2022NewTimes · 23/06/2022 18:23

@Lookslikesrain - he says he can stay for the moment - that wont stop him cancelling it again when he feels like it..... go for what you are entitled to - not for you but for your children - to protect them when he starts playing up again

Original poster
Lookslikesrain · 23/06/2022 18:34

SnapDog · 23/06/2022 17:52

That little voice sounds like it’s actually his voice, it might take while to separate that from your voice as it sounds like he has been in your head for quite some time.

Abuse doesn’t have to be physical or outright “verbal abuse”, it can be manipulation and control and a slow slow erosion of your self esteem and sense of power.

it can be manipulation and control and a slow slow erosion of your self esteem and sense of power

My friend called it stealth manipulation this morning - but yes I agree

OP posts:
MachineBee · 23/06/2022 18:59

And while you didn’t work in his business, without you sorting all the home and kids stuff he wouldn’t have had as much time to build his business. THAT was his contribution.

MachineBee · 23/06/2022 19:00
  • THAT was YOUR contribution. #MyPhoneHatesMe
RandomMess · 23/06/2022 19:16

Really really wobble your head.

There are no guarantees that in the future his business won't fail, that he will stop paying school feels, there will be another wife and DC which reduces maintenance etc etc.

You get a clean break order and take what you and the DC are entitled to and need for their future. This is about securing a home for them in a good area with decent state schools so if he disappears you aren't screwed.

He could be bitter enough to move abroad!

CheshireCats · 23/06/2022 19:21

You have to go for what you and your children are entitled to. All of it. Or you will be shortchanging your own kids.

Oestrogelsmuggler · 23/06/2022 19:34

CrankyFrankie · 22/06/2022 15:36

I have to say those of you saying he should kill himself and it would be a bonus are absolutely disgusting.

This is somebody’s son and the father to the OP’s children you’re talking about. Surely they deserve the option of keeping him, no matter how imperfect? Yes he is treating them extremely poorly but, from the way you’re talking, you’re showing yourselves to be as much of an animal as he is.

Children are better off without shit and/or dangerous fathers.

Quartz2208 · 23/06/2022 19:36

If they stay you will always have this hanging over you - if you can find a state school go for it

MixingPopAndPolitics · 23/06/2022 19:43

Like a PP, my mum went through similar and took the easy route for a quiet life. At that point, my DF was being verbally abusive, controlling, phoning her at all hours, she was exhausted. In the blur of what was happening, she just wanted it to stop. But she bitterly regrets it now. She made a life changing decision when she was emotionally weak and vulnerable and that's never ever a good idea.

We had to watch my DF get remarried, buy a big house, buy a speedboat (yes, seriously) while we were living hand to mouth. Because she made a decision with her emotions rather than with the clarity of what the next decade would bring.

Don't make the same mistake.

DumpedByText · 23/06/2022 20:02

My friends ex husband refused to give her a penny. She asked for 30% and he said no, it ended up in court and although they both ended up with massive solicitors fees, she got 60% of everything including savings. It's true what others are saying, he wants control and will hold school fees etc over you until they leave. I'd go for as much as you can now and he has nothing over you in the future. He'll have to pay maintenance if court ordered and a settlement, he won't get to say no to a judge, get a good solicitor.

Shitscared123 · 23/06/2022 20:49

Your marriage is over. The next step is transactional to secure your and your kids futures. It’s a soul-destroying process but it’s a pain worth going through in the short-term. I know it’s hard to keep emotion out of it, but do what you can to see this in black and white terms.

WiddlinDiddlin · 23/06/2022 20:55

50/50 is the reasonable starting point for most people.

The fact he has not offered this straight away, and has already been playing games, and been nasty, tells you he KNOWS theres a strong chance you'll get more than that, and that he has NO intention of being nice, whatever you go for.

So put it in the hands of the legal bods, and leave it to them as much as is possible. Go for what the LAW says you're entitled to.

Forget about what he may or may not do, thats not your responsibility now is it, thats his issue.

Just concentrate on you and your children, because you absolutely cannot guarantee he will ever put them first now, they only have you to rely on.

WashMeThroughly · 23/06/2022 21:36

Spoke to a solicitor and she sounds like she knows what she is talking about says I will regret it if I don't go for what im entitled to but I honestly don't know if I have got the stomach for the battle im know I will get

You do have the stomach for this, because it's about your children as well. As a PP said, 50:50 is the starting point. I ended up with a 60:40 clean break, with XH paying all of one DC's school fees and the lion's share of the other DCs' fees. He fought it tooth and nail and threatened to kill himself, etc, etc, but still agreed before it went to court. I just had to sit tight, refuse to engage with his insults etc, and leave it to the lawyers. In the end, he agreed because he didn't want to waste any more money on lawyers. I think he also realised that school fees are at least finite, so if they are part of the deal, he will end up feeling reasonably well off. Final DC has just left school, so he'll be laughing now as the DC descend on me in the holidays, with all the expense associated with that. But on the positive side, for me, they regard one another and me as their safe base.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 23/06/2022 22:01

OP you totally need to have the stomach for this. Take it from me, you'll regret it if you don't fight. Think of your kids futures.

PuggyMum · 23/06/2022 22:09

Ok so you know this has to happen.
We're all here with you and I've seen so many people on here literally grow in confidence day by day.
It's happening already with you.
For now, just smile and nod and keep notes and copies of everything until the time is right for him to know this is all going through a solicitor now and everything should go via them. Agree to nothing officially.
The threats to take them out of school surely will be a massive own goal for him. If he knows that and that he thinks you'll accept 20% that might buy you some peace while you prepare.

Is he out of your home now completely? No access etc?

1VY · 23/06/2022 22:55

Men like him always behave horrendously during a divorce. He will do this if you ask for 5 per cent or 50 per cent. So you might as well go for 50.

Appeasement doesn’t work.

Remember his sense of entitlement is so huge that he thinks you and your children are entitled to nothing. There’s no compromise.

And you must MUST get everything you can upfront as he will weasel out of any deal you make and will avoid paying child support.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/06/2022 23:55

You DO have the strength to do this. Remember that you aren't doing this for yourself, you are doing it for your children. To insure their education and their futures. Because he can give you what you've asked for (a bare pittance it sounds like) and then when it's all done and dusted he will still hold money over your head and refuse to pay school fees, or Uni, or driving lessons, or any of the myriad things we want to do for our children to insure they have a happy 'growing up' and a successful 'launch' into the adult world.

By getting the fair share that you and they deserve, you will be able to have some control over insuring these things, or at least some of them, are provided for them. And it will stop him from hanging money over your and their heads like the Sword of Damocles. Because if he isn't yet, he will use money to manipulate them, too.

Every time he exhibits his nastiness it is further confirmation that you are doing the right thing. And don't think for a moment that 'he wasn't that bad'. He was. He just had you manipulated to the point where you were walking on eggshells so as not to upset him, you just couldn't see the manipulation. You are now out from under his control, you have defied him, you won't get back in your box. And that's why he's so furious.

You can do this.