STBEH punishing the kids because he is raging at me.

[Lookslikesrain]

I'm being bombarded with hate mail today and last night because I asked for a fair divorce settlement instead of what he proposed. He has this morning emailed the kids school and said he is pulling them out (fee paying) due to financial issue due to divorce and they have acknowledged it.

Its purely out of spite for me.

I never ever thought he would upset the kids as a way of getting to me.

I have only asked for 20% of what im legally entitled to so I can use it as a deposit to buy a house. He wanted to give me 10%. The reason im not going for it all is because I don't want to have a horrible fight to death over it and I am only just getting in a ok place after the worst two years of my life.

So I don't know what to do now, the kids break for summer holidays in a few weeks, no school to go to.

The deal was he didnt pay me maintenance and he would pay the school fees, I was happy with that. But now because I wont agree to pocket change he has decided to give he is pulling them anyway.

I have taken so much on the chin since we split up because I wanted the kids to be protected from it and I feel that because I have been so fucking reasonable about everything to protect the kids - that the thinks I will go back and take the 10% to keep them in school.

Any advice?

You need to have the stomach for this because this is not about you. This is about your kids not being raised in hardship.

If I had not had DS I would have told my ex to stuff his money where the sun doesn’t shine and I would have walked free into the sunset. But fighting for it allowed for DS to grow without excessive financial worries and some stability.

That’s the thing with becoming a single parent, the buck stops with you, if you don’t do it nobody else will. But… that’s also why we are so strong. Honestly OP, things may look a mess at this time but this can be the making of you.

I bet hes being reasonable now because someone has pointed out what you would get if he pushed you to fight. Its a front until you settle for a fraction of what you are entitled to, then he will go back to being a dick. You know hes going to be a dick for the next 13 years you have to deal with him. You can be dealing with a dickish ex with money or no money. You being reasonable won't make him reasonable.

Just another word of encouragement -

If you accept an unfair settlement: suffer verbal abuse, insults and harassment constantly whenever you have to beg him for new school shoes for the kids, and basic essentials. Deal with manipulation and emotional blackmail when he promises things for the kids, hangs them over your head and takes them away. Your kids growing up deprived. No money to be able to take control and decide what you're doing - letting your kids see you at the mercy of an abusive man.

If you accept a FAIR settlement: No need to interact with him, you will have all you need and won't need to consult him. He will have no bargaining chip as you don't need anything from him beyond what you have agreed. Your kids will grow up comfortable and confident. You will be freed of the constant stress of having to deal with him. You'll have your life back.

He is playing good cop/bad cop to try and get you to accept something unfair, because he knows right now you have the chance to be free of him and live a good life with your kids. As SOON as you agree to an unfair settlement he'll switch and you'll be fucked.

As a pp said, don't worry about how "fair" it is if you get half his business. He wouldn't have been able to have a decent business if you hadn't kept the house for him, brought up the kids for him, did all the "wife work", did the shopping & cooking etc and allowed him to concentrate on the business.

If you state clearly that every contact must go through your lawyer, and he contacts you directly (especially if abusively), then thats harassment and will count against him.

Make sure you keep a diary of everything he says and does. Partly so you have a record for your lawyer & the court, and partly so you can go back & remind yourself of what a lying shit he is if you feel your resolve weaken!

This!

What a wanker!

You will be paying solicitor to deal with him. It won’t be easy but some pain now will save you having to go to him in future. Get a settlement you can live on and then he has no hold over you. You are doing it for your children. It sounds like you have good advice and support from friends and family listen.

He has shown that he will use your children as weapons. How dare he. It's now in your hands to prevent that and protect their future wellbeing. You must go for it and seek the fair settlement via SHL.

Because of the schooling threat, a lump sum settlement would be wise and court appointed maintenance.

He is not someone you want to give any wiggle room to.

You can truthfully say that his threat over the schooling prompted you to put it in the hands of a solicitor and you will not be communicating with him again over this.

Any hint of a threat, or threatening behaviour, contact the police.

He's a bully.
You can put manners on him by involving the police.

Do not allow him inside your door and have that door bell recording any hand overs.

You CAN do this.

the lump sum can be paid directly to the school
and will likely result in a small discount if covering the children for a few years

I have a little voice in there saying stuff like 'but he wasn't that bad

He might not have been that bad but times change and as you have witnessed he is that bad now.
Could you get a restraining order and have contact at a centre for the children as I really don’t think it is safe he can just let himself into the family home, he is raging when he comes to collect the children and you don’t want then to witness that.
Also if he has tried to use the children as pawns to get at you then can you ensure he isn’t going to do something else to get at you through them.
Ask your solicitor about this and show her the texts he has sent.

what if he does kill himself

If he was going to kill himself he would have done it by now. That sounds like a threat to keep you in line. I had a parent who would say this. In the end it was said so often it didn’t mean anything.

I have had every thing I wanted anyway, this might ruin him, why should you have part of a business you didnt build

Because if you didn’t look after the children, look after different aspects of life he wouldn’t have a business to begin with..

Technically a price will be put on the business. He will get to keep it if he wants it or he can buy you out of your share if the marital pot can’t be divided and you get to choose something else from the marital pot to make up the percentage amount you are awarded.

Having gone from raging to calm and now agreeing with your initial offer of 20% (Why would you short change your children by agreeing to a smaller amount)

It is either because he has seen a solicitor or spoken to someone about everything and they have told him that he was a fool to disagree with 20%

Or he has something else planned

Having been through the divorce process with friend nothing surprises me about what sneaky things people will do.

Another friend had to take stbexh to court to agree to pay for dcs school fees

He fought her in court. It cost her nearly £2000 and the judge agreed that it was something he should be responsible for.
Only he had already paid all the school fees in a lump sum prior to the court case. He just wanted friend to worry and waste her time and money

OP he is playing you. Leave it to the solicitor. Take it from someone who has been there and did it all wrong, and massively regretted it since.

My daughter is 19 now and I can't tell you the relief I feel never having to deal with that arsehole ever again. He tried to control me financially long after we divorced, holding the school fees as a gun to my head.

Don't give your ex the power to continue controlling you.

Another voice saying people who are suicidal kill themselves or attempt to kill themselves, or reach out to friends and family or professionals for mental health support - what they don't do is go round contacting exes and threatening to commit suicide.

Men who go telling their ex that they might kill themselves are doing it to control the ex. He doesn't want your support to help him cope, he wants your obedience so he doesn't have to cope with changes.

“He wants your obedience so her can cope with the changes.” - nail on the head!
Why should you have to obey him to help him manage change. Look at the tremendous, horrendous change you are being forced to cope with.
Dont give in. Put this in the hands of the solicitor. It will possibly take time as he tries to mess you about, but ultimately it will be settled way more fairly than it would be if you were beholden to his whims.

You must find some nerve. Because if you don't, when you are feeling a bit stronger but you are having to struggle financially because you settled for less, you will regret it. If you don't go for what's fair (no more than that but just what's fair), then you are doing exactly what he wants you to do which is why he is being like this in the first place. Don't fall for it op. I did. And I wish I hadn't.

OP- an order to pay school fees can be renegotiated after 12 months so unless he's offering a lump sum until they complete A-levels, you should still go ahead with state school so he can't use it against you.

You will be doing your kids a disservice if you don't go for at least 50%. He has shown his true colour now and as a self employed person he can minimise his earnings on paper in a way that will make him pay no/negligible child maintenance. With at least 50% of the assets, you'll be able to guarantee some stability in your kids lives.

You're going to have a battle either way. He will still be abusive even if you say zero maintenance

OP, XH and I had similar problems. XH wanted me to have nothing, as I had "made no contribution" to the business (despite having been a SAHM for 20 years). School fees were a particular sticking point. We finally settled (with the help of solicitors) on an agreement with which we were both slightly dissatisfied. I'd say that was the mark of a fair settlement. DC stayed at their schools, which was a big deal for me (and them).

Come on OP, not sure if you have the fight? Well he's winning already. This isn't about you, it feels about you but it's not: this is about your children and their future !!! Get cross !!!!

Bloody hell OP

seriously - you are representing your children. Woman up. Tool up. Your motivation is to get the best for them

Agree. It would be doing you a favour in many ways, frankly, and men like that don't do favours for their exes. He's just furious you haven't rolled over and shown willingness to be grateful for a fraction of what you're entitled to. You AND your children.

Get a SHL!

OP, be careful what you say on here. He might well be reading this.

Get a solicitor and get the finances sorted now once and for all. That way he has no control over you and you can get on with leading your own life as much as you can when you still have to have a relationship with him as a co-parent.

Your kids are young, they’ll be fine in a state school, it’s sounds like you have the resources to pay for clubs, or music lesson, or tutoring if needed outside of school.
The most important thing in ANY child’s education ( I work in education) regardless of their school is how engaged their parent/s are in their education and learning, and how much they can help them at home, how much they read to and with them, how much time they have to spend with them.
Not the size of the class they’re in.

Someone I know fell for this.

She now rents a small place and needs benefits to top up for her and the kids. He's just bought a large new house for himself and the new partner. Clean break settlement, and she ignored legal advice as she was desperate for it to be over, so she has no recourse. She really, really, really regrets it now.

There was also the recent poster on MN whose teenage kids have chosen to move in with their father, in his large house with cleaner and lots of fun holidays and resources, rather than in her very small one with chores and not a lot to do. That is why some US states allocate child support commensurate with the richer party's income, even if not married - to avoid that happening. Kids can sometimes be smart and recognise who cares most, but they are human, and one lifestyle being so much more appealing is hard to resist at that age.

In other cases, the fathers lose all interest after a new partner appears, and there will be no way to secure the children's futures if you have signed the assets away now.

Go for what you are entitled to. If you imagine he will not revert to the rage and spite just as soon as he has the theft of your entitlements locked down, you are almost certainly mistaken.

You have nothing, long term, to gain from allowing him to rob you blind, and everything to lose.