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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

STBEH punishing the kids because he is raging at me.

423 replies

Lookslikesrain · 21/06/2022 10:15

I'm being bombarded with hate mail today and last night because I asked for a fair divorce settlement instead of what he proposed. He has this morning emailed the kids school and said he is pulling them out (fee paying) due to financial issue due to divorce and they have acknowledged it.

Its purely out of spite for me.

I never ever thought he would upset the kids as a way of getting to me.

I have only asked for 20% of what im legally entitled to so I can use it as a deposit to buy a house. He wanted to give me 10%. The reason im not going for it all is because I don't want to have a horrible fight to death over it and I am only just getting in a ok place after the worst two years of my life.

So I don't know what to do now, the kids break for summer holidays in a few weeks, no school to go to.

The deal was he didnt pay me maintenance and he would pay the school fees, I was happy with that. But now because I wont agree to pocket change he has decided to give he is pulling them anyway.

I have taken so much on the chin since we split up because I wanted the kids to be protected from it and I feel that because I have been so fucking reasonable about everything to protect the kids - that the thinks I will go back and take the 10% to keep them in school.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Whatever00 · 21/06/2022 12:27

Get everything your entitled to. If he is going to be a dickhead anyway you have nothing to lose. He is fighting you viciously anyway. It might be worth considering only communicating on a co parenting app like our family wizard. I think grey rock approach would benifit you as well.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 21/06/2022 12:29

AmaryIlis · 21/06/2022 11:55

Schools normally require a term's notice. If the school is waiving that due to the sob story your STBEx told them, it could be worth telling them there are no financial difficulties, it's just that he's trying to force you into accepting no maintenance.

This!!!
Plus so much advice on here to get a good solicitor who will negotiate everything you're entitled to, especially now he's shown he will not only not play fair but is going to be nasty about it.
Talk to the school and find out exactly what he told them. Make a record of the meeting. It may be that if you do get a settlement, you can keep them there where they are settled - at least until they are ready for secondary, or as others have suggested you could go for your nearby state option. It's a disruption but better for all of you to sort it out now since you are dealing with a nasty situation.

McPie · 21/06/2022 12:29

He went for your children to get you to back down???
The gloves need to be off now and you go for whatever you can!

Original poster
Lookslikesrain · 21/06/2022 12:30

Thanks for the messages.

Ive just had a phone call with my grandmother who has just said the school is the ONLY thing he can get me with and to see it as a blessing if he really does go through with it. He cant hurt me financially as I can afford to look after kids and pay the bills with out him, so its just the school.

I have blocked him on watsap but the last message I got off him was basically '20% or the kids staying in school - you choose'

So I feel like i'm in limbo now. Its just a massive bluff/blackmail.

I'm just waiting on a solicitor i've rang to get back to me.

I am getting angry now. How fucking dare he use his kids in this way. They bought him loads of stuff out their savings for fathers day. Utter prick

OP posts:
Quackpot · 21/06/2022 12:31

Take him to the cleaners.

Original poster
Lookslikesrain · 21/06/2022 12:31

McPie · 21/06/2022 12:29

He went for your children to get you to back down???
The gloves need to be off now and you go for whatever you can!

I know, its just hitting me. he actually did go for my kids.

OP posts:
PeopleBaffleMe13 · 21/06/2022 12:31

Whether you go for 20% or 50%, he's obviously going to fight you. Why not put yourself in a better position and fight for the 50?

Brefugee · 21/06/2022 12:33

I hated it and we screamed at each other with every new legal letter causing more stress. I even threw water over him and slapped him. He now tells everyone he was domestically abused.

tbh you were abusing him. Just as well you're divorced for both your sakes.

OP - keep hold of the indignation that he is trying to financially abuse your children. Screenshot the Whatsapp just in case. Good luck

AmaryIlis · 21/06/2022 12:33

Argue that you now need 70% so as to avoid disrupting your children's education.

Vodika · 21/06/2022 12:34

I always feel so bad for the kids when I read these types of threads. What a horrible little man to do this to his children.

Littlegoth · 21/06/2022 12:34

Sorry, I know I keep coming back with more but this is the MEANEST thing I have ever read on here. I’m so mad on your behalf 😡

SQLserved · 21/06/2022 12:36

A friend’s ExH tried this, but the courts ordered that he continue to pay for school fees to maintain normality for DC. Being court ordered means he can’t use it as leveraged.

Speak to solicitor and see if you can get an emergency hearing, before term ends.

Speak to the school, see if they can issue temporary hold on fees whilst the issue is in court.

Sswhinesthebest · 21/06/2022 12:37

He’s so going to regret this! It’s good he’s shown his hand so early, and before the financial settlement is agreed. He’d have still held it over you, even if you had accepted only 10%.

Sharrowgirl · 21/06/2022 12:37

Can you access the business accounts or his personal accounts to find proof of income? Do that now, before you let him know that you’re coming after everything so he has no chance to cover it up.

HandbagsnGladrags · 21/06/2022 12:42

I'm glad you're finding your anger OP - you'll need it. The kids will also realise what a twat he is when they get older. My daughter did. Please keep us posted and ask for more help if needed. Having been through this myself I massively sympathise.

PrinnyPree · 21/06/2022 12:43

Just to reiterate what others have said, he is punished his own children to upset you. Think about it, sabotaging his own childrens' well being doesn't upset him. You do what you would do if a total stranger attempted to harm your children. You throw everything you have at him, take him to the fecking cleaners and secure your childrens' future. He is not interested in co-parening his children for their benefit he wants to weaponise them. You need enough money that he doesn't have that power, hobble the bastard. x

Jofergo · 21/06/2022 12:43

At some point far in the future your children will know that he prioritised controlling you rather than keeping their school lives the same at an already stressful time for you.

These actions say a lot about a person. He is a shit.

My advice is a per all the others - good lawyer, accept nothing less than your legal entitlement. The messages about this won't go down well in court.

RandomMess · 21/06/2022 12:46

You have no choice but to let the DC leave private because he will punish you and then forever for daring to leave him

He is not a nice person.

Flowers
Imthedamnfoolwhoshothim · 21/06/2022 12:47

Lookslikesrain · 21/06/2022 12:30

Thanks for the messages.

Ive just had a phone call with my grandmother who has just said the school is the ONLY thing he can get me with and to see it as a blessing if he really does go through with it. He cant hurt me financially as I can afford to look after kids and pay the bills with out him, so its just the school.

I have blocked him on watsap but the last message I got off him was basically '20% or the kids staying in school - you choose'

So I feel like i'm in limbo now. Its just a massive bluff/blackmail.

I'm just waiting on a solicitor i've rang to get back to me.

I am getting angry now. How fucking dare he use his kids in this way. They bought him loads of stuff out their savings for fathers day. Utter prick

How old are they again? Why were they allowed to access savings to buy him gifts? Was that you?!

Dibbydoos · 21/06/2022 12:48

F-him!

Go for everything you're entitled to.

Put kids in state school till the money comes through then ask for maintenance Inc thr appropriate portion of school fees.

OopsAnotherOne · 21/06/2022 12:50

This "man" does not have your children's interests at heart. At all. He was happy to pull them out of their education, forcing them to move to a different school and disrupt their learning, just to punish you. He does not have their welfare at heart in the same way that you clearly do.
Be thankful he has shown you his true colours, now you know just who you're doing battle with here, and just how low he will sink in order to get to you. You've got this mama ❤

SunThroughTheCloudsAt6am · 21/06/2022 12:51

This isn't for you, it's for the kids, and they deserve continuity (although yes, moving them now isn't the worst time, and it stops him hanging it over your head forever)

You need to keep calm, do not engage, do not let yourself get provoked. Say the very bare minimum you can in any circumstance, and get to a solicitor. Take your fair share - do not expect him to be fair, and do not rely on anything that's agreed.

I'm not in quite the same position, but I look at friends, and I'm so grateful that I have a lazy ex who's saving grace is his total self-absorption and utter laziness means he can't be bothered to make my life difficult if I just pretend I don't exist - plus it means the kids barely noticed he was gone. 2 years on and we're also still negotiating (extremely slow to respond, plus he's changed solicitors when we were within days of signing an agreement). BUT my one regret is not taking half the money out of his account (he had me manage all the finances including being the only one who knew how to access his online banking, and I would just transfer money when he asked to whereever he asked), and the one thing I'm very aware of is that the maintenance he pays (1/3rd less than I reasonably asked for) could go away at any time (so I save half, and I'm working on having enough in savings to see the kids through education myself).

In summary - never expect reasonable behaviour, and protect yourself and your kids accordingly.

pointythings · 21/06/2022 12:51

Go for everything you can. Honestly, state school isn't the worst thing in the world.

Soubriquet · 21/06/2022 12:52

He’s shown you he isn’t willing to play nice for his own children so now it’s time you show you will do anything for them.

Get a good lawyer and take him for everything you can

Floella22 · 21/06/2022 12:52

Put your dc in to state school or you’ll have this threat for 13 more years.
You need to stop him now.

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