STBEH punishing the kids because he is raging at me.

[Lookslikesrain]

I'm being bombarded with hate mail today and last night because I asked for a fair divorce settlement instead of what he proposed. He has this morning emailed the kids school and said he is pulling them out (fee paying) due to financial issue due to divorce and they have acknowledged it.

Its purely out of spite for me.

I never ever thought he would upset the kids as a way of getting to me.

I have only asked for 20% of what im legally entitled to so I can use it as a deposit to buy a house. He wanted to give me 10%. The reason im not going for it all is because I don't want to have a horrible fight to death over it and I am only just getting in a ok place after the worst two years of my life.

So I don't know what to do now, the kids break for summer holidays in a few weeks, no school to go to.

The deal was he didnt pay me maintenance and he would pay the school fees, I was happy with that. But now because I wont agree to pocket change he has decided to give he is pulling them anyway.

I have taken so much on the chin since we split up because I wanted the kids to be protected from it and I feel that because I have been so fucking reasonable about everything to protect the kids - that the thinks I will go back and take the 10% to keep them in school.

Any advice?

Time to take the gloves off and go for everything you are entitled to under law. He is being a git, and hurting the children, that is playing dirty. Behave with dignity and decorum, and dont lower yourself to his level. Dont discuss the divorce with him, all divorce communications should be through the lawyers. Its what they are for.

Take whatever you are legally entitled to. It's not just for you and for now. It's for the kids as well and keeping you all afloat in the future.

He's already shown you he's a very petty little man who will not act on the best interests of his children and will play anything but fair.

Go for your maximum and let him continue to impotently scream at the world what an arse hole he is.

Keep it all as proof for the lawyers and courts to show how unreasonably he is behaving and the emotional blackmail he is trying too.

Also keep yourself safe, break up is when men are most likey to assault thier ex-partners. He is being verbally abusive now, its a short step to being physically abusive. Not scare mongering, but i used to work in domestic violence services, and statisically you are at high risk at this time.

F

Great tell him to let you know when and where.
I know this sounds harsh but it would be a blessing if he did top himself as your children would inherit and you would save the fees of a divorce lawyer.
However these guys rarely follow through as it’s straight out if the abusers playbook.

Please unblock long enough to save all those messages if you haven't already. He can recall/delete them and then you have no evidence.

This is really important as it's clear evidence he will harm the children to upset you.

FYI re the suicide threats..

Whilst he almost certainly wont do it - people HAVE done it, sometimes they Do do it..

So responding in the same way every single time, by requesting a police welfare check is the way forward.

If he DOESN'T do it, isn't doing it, has no intentions, the police will start to get pretty pissed off at him for sending such messages.

If he DOES do it - your conscience is clear, you have done the reasonable, practical thing in that situation - informed the police.

Either way, no one can ever claim you simply ignored him and did nothing - which might be useful to have in future should anyone accuse you of that or more likely, tell your children some nasty twisted version of events.

I agree with PP - any suicide threat needs to be reported to 999. He'll soon stop doing it. manipulative little prick.

I agree phone the police. it will show him that he can't manipulate you.

If a stranger suggested suicide its what you would do. So take the same steps. Grey Rock. He's not your problem any more. He can't control you.

Please please contact the police for a welfare check.
Showing them the abusive messages will give them the measure of him and they can be very good at putting men like him in his place.
It will also be very useful should he threaten to go for custody.

He's not the brightest button with all his threats.

He has done you a favour with these threats.

You can use them.

Yes.

The judge in my instance (not the divorce per se, but the rapidly arranged & difficult to accomplish pre-divorce Injunction Hearing) rewarded my ex for his threats on my life with the full costs of the hearing. His decision was literally immediate.

I'd never seen anything like it. The barrister was a revelation.
I didn't even know that awarding to decision to one party, but the costs to the other, was A Thing.
Once we'd heard the Judge's decision,he asked the court "any other business?". The barrister popped out of her seat, & said:
"If it please your honour, in the matter of costs, I move that my client" etc
Judge glanced at me, nodded, smiled at her, & intoned a one word reply - "Granted."

Case closed. She cost £600, & saved me an unexpected £3000.

The relief of the pro-Injunction decision was overwhelming, but that icing on the cake? Validation.
OP - if you are reading this - that validation lasts the rest of your life. You get on with ensuring the truth of your case is documented & presented to your lawyer, & that you AND YOUR DC receive a fair settlement. As PP said upthread- don't imagine that you being 'kind' with this 20%/10% nonsense will make him behave better. He's going to kick you whatever you do, so do the right thing by your kids.

What a great post, & SO diametrically opposite the usual garbage that pours forth after too many "speaking as a man" openings here.

Cheers @Misunderestimated. If you get bitten by any Vipers for your hubris in owning XY chromosomes & daring to offer advice here, let me know - your "accommodate where I can, if they swing first let 'em have it" did me the power of good this evening so I would leap nobly to your defence.

Anyhoo enough of that. Some great advice to OP from PP throughout this thread, I so hope she is documenting & lawyering up. Her STBeXH has indeed dug a big hole, & she needs expert advice in to ensure that he, & not she, is the one who falls into it.

I would forward his message on to his parents, siblings and close friends innocently saying "I'm not in touch with ex but I've received this. I thought I should pass on I'm case you'd like to check he's doing ok".

It'll embarrass him to expose his manipulation to his loved ones (because that's what it is).

He sounds like a weak little weasle. Whatever happens, thank god you're not wasting your one time on this planet with him any longer.

My ex approached our financial settlement in exactly the same way. I walked away with next to nothing as I had no money for a lawyer. I was prepared to be reasonable, and asked very little - he wanted to bankrupt me (his words not mine). Like another poster has side, it's always good to start from a point of compromise however if the other side throws the first punch - you go all out. Get a lawyer and apply for a financial settlement, include payment of the school fees as a part of it. Using the children's education to essentially blackmail you is abhorrent. Threatening suicide is as well - call the police every time.

Keep all the proof of the blackmail & the suicide threats - this is financial abuse and will be looked upon very poorly.

I wouldn't ask for school fees as part of the settlement. The DC are young and it sets up the OP for over a decade of manipulation and him dictating stuff etc. it's not just fees it's uniforms, clubs, insurance, lunches, books and so on. Also I reckon he would try take it back to court so say he can no longer afford it.

With these type of men absolute clean break, very large lump sum and nothing else is the best way to go. He will likely manipulate is business income to pay minimal CMS.

Anything court ordered can be challenged after a year such as spousal support.

Masculinity -- don't start fights, but do be prepared to finish them.

he has sent me a message to my phone messages saying im 'going to find him hanging'

Well you can live in hope I suppose. What an absolute shitstain.

At least your kids are young and not in the middle of exams or whatnot. If you can afford to live near a decent state school then try not to worry - the 5yo in particular will bounce back and quickly make new friends. Is there any chance you could afford to keep your sensitive 9yo in her school she's familiar with until yr 6? Could family help with her fees? They don't have to have exactly the same for it to be fair - it's about what each one needs.

I can't believe there's a parent who would take away from their kids just to punish their mother. Take him to the fucking cleaners.

I would forward his message on to his parents, siblings and close friends innocently saying "I'm not in touch with ex but I've received this. I thought I should pass on I'm case you'd like to check he's doing ok".

Absolutely do this. As well as the message where he explicitly tells you he's holding the kids' school places over you to get more money. Let his support network see what an abject little shit he is. Take away his dignity.

Also keep yourself safe, break up is when men are most likey to assault thier ex-partners. He is being verbally abusive now, its a short step to being physically abusive. Not scare mongering, but i used to work in domestic violence services, and statisically you are at high risk at this time.

This as well. Family destruction is what I'd be afraid of since he's clearly happy to hurt your kids in order to hurt you. Hopefully he's not in your house and doesn't have access to it.

Does anyone with experience know if there's some way to temporarily withold contact with the children? He sounds unhinged and I'd be scared for him to be with him.

Yes the starting point is 50%. and I think the factors that could mean op gets less don’t apply in this case.

If it can be proved he was abusive then like my friend she could end up with more.

I have to say those of you saying he should kill himself and it would be a bonus are absolutely disgusting.

This is somebody’s son and the father to the OP’s children you’re talking about. Surely they deserve the option of keeping him, no matter how imperfect? Yes he is treating them extremely poorly but, from the way you’re talking, you’re showing yourselves to be as much of an animal as he is.

Take it you’ve not been through a vicious and nasty divorce with someone who is willing to hurt your children and damage them and make life very difficult for them?

anyone do that to my children - I’d be assisting them in any endeavour to end their life as actively as possible

Masculinity -- don't start fights, but do be prepared to finish them.

Is that a purely masculine view though @waterSpider?
I don't think so (genuine query - not goading btw).

I'll dance round the kitchen the day my ex husband dies. I fucking hate the bastard.