STBEH punishing the kids because he is raging at me.

[Lookslikesrain]

I'm being bombarded with hate mail today and last night because I asked for a fair divorce settlement instead of what he proposed. He has this morning emailed the kids school and said he is pulling them out (fee paying) due to financial issue due to divorce and they have acknowledged it.

Its purely out of spite for me.

I never ever thought he would upset the kids as a way of getting to me.

I have only asked for 20% of what im legally entitled to so I can use it as a deposit to buy a house. He wanted to give me 10%. The reason im not going for it all is because I don't want to have a horrible fight to death over it and I am only just getting in a ok place after the worst two years of my life.

So I don't know what to do now, the kids break for summer holidays in a few weeks, no school to go to.

The deal was he didnt pay me maintenance and he would pay the school fees, I was happy with that. But now because I wont agree to pocket change he has decided to give he is pulling them anyway.

I have taken so much on the chin since we split up because I wanted the kids to be protected from it and I feel that because I have been so fucking reasonable about everything to protect the kids - that the thinks I will go back and take the 10% to keep them in school.

Any advice?

Don't be silly @CrankyFrankie

PP are allowed to express themselves hyperbolically when irritated/cynical/triggered by manipulative fake suicide threats.
I did, & even trigger-warninged it, because sometimes, gallows humour helps.

If you have ever been terrorised & controlled by a wannabe family annihilator, acting out suicidal ideation betwixt his murder threats, in order to get transferred to a 'safe house' type MH facility instead of a police holding cell, you''ll understand why PP are reacting strongly to this appallingly shitty behaviour.
If you have not, kindly stop wagging your judgey finger.

It doesn't mean PP wish his kids were bereaved.
It means they wish the fucker would shit or get off the pot.

OP's STBexH is using similar tactics ("give me what I want or I'll remove the DC from school. Give me what I want or I'll traumatise the kids for the rest of their lives").
He's not got physical yet, but sounds like a man who could well escalate.

Completely agree.

Any man prepared to use and weaponise his children is no loss to anyone, least of all his children.

Yep. My solicitor and barrister (best of the best) very jokingly asked if I’d like them to beat up cunty ex. Of course they were being facetious, however, they recognise his controlling and bullying. I’d be ecstatic if his brakes failed on the motorway one day. My DS most certainly would be better off without him.

OP - did you do welfare call to police?

And I’m allowed to express myself @KettrickenSmiled . It’s not silly. It’s an opinion. I think it’s massively fucked up.

Yep it is
to be on with someone being dead

But someone actively try to fuck up my childrens’ lives as this man is doing, to his own children, well… I think that very fucked up and the consequence is… I won’t give a damn if they top themselves.

You seem a bit more chilled about your children being pulled from their school, and their father calling their mother “cancer”, which i find “massively fucked up” tbh!

To be “ok” with someone being dead

Sadly DC that lose a parent to death fare better in life than those used as pawns in a hostile divorce especially those where the NRP disappears or play no active and reliable role in their life.

Can’t see myself ever encouraging the father of my kids (or anyone else for that matter) to kill himself @Ohthatsexciting so, erm, yeah, if that’s massively fucked up then so be it, guilty as charged 🧐

@CrankyFrankie I understand that you disagree with comments made by some posters on this thread. But you have ended up hijacking the OPs thread by your arguments and I’m not sure it’s helping @Lookslikesrain

Maybe you should think about stepping away from the thread so it can get back on track ?

It is massively fucked up to be pleased with someone being dead. That's why it only happens in situations where someone has been so massively abusive, so incredibly awful, that the victim of that behaviour is deeply traumatised.

And so I feel no guilt that I wished my late husband dead, and that my first feeling on hearing he had died was relief. Nor do my DDs. @CrankyFrankie you should learn about not judging someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

This is quite right. I used to fantasise about coming home and finding XH dead. That's how bad things were. I would be cracking open the champagne if he died now, though he won't as he's a self-absorbed bastard who likes telling everyone that he's going to top himself.

He won't kill himself, these kinds of men never do and that's why it's ok to be flippant about it. He's seething not grieving. His resentment and anger will keep him going. You can always rely on getting a sanctimonious telling off on MN though 🙄

Wishing someone dead isn't the noblest thing to do, but it doesn't make it happen, and I'm not sure how far you can really police thoughts, however dark. The issue is more when someone weaponises death or suicide to hurt or control another person. That might mean trying to upset them by telling them you wish them dead, or by threatening suicide to manipulate them.

I've outlived everyone who wished me dead.

Come back to us with how you feel if someone was actively trying to fuck up your childrens lives and you were witnessing them suffering day in and day out throughout their childhood

Bloody hell

how many have wished you dead??!

“Nobility” versus “looking out for my children”

no competition

Three.

I have a lovely family.

Bloomin heck

Absolutely this.

That's why a welfare check is such a good idea.

The police are well used to abusive arseholes threatening it and are firm about time wasters.

Often they are mortified at the police calling and NEVER say it again.

And I might understand it if I'd been attempting to fuck over their children, bankrupt them, physically attack them or something equivalent. But I wasn't. I promise.

Oh well.

The father who cares for his children so much he is ripping their whole life apart because he is raging at their mother.

Those types of fathers you can do without.

What an absolute gold-plated bell end of a man - congratulations on ridding yourself of him!

Just to say, any family court judge will laugh at his 10% and his 20% - the starting point will be 50% for you as a minimum. The system is based on “fairness” and the needs of the children. What is “fair” obviously varies depending on the situation, so financial info/disclosure is required from both parties, to enable the judge to work out if the settlement can be classed as “fair”. His suggested amount wouldn’t be agreed as it simply isn’t fair.

He can shove his 10% up his arse! Judges are used to dealing with abusive dickheads who refuse to make financial disclosure and threaten suicide etc - they’ll have seen it all before. Keep the messages of threats and insults, inform the police if he threatens suicide again - it’s just a tactic to try to control you, but a welfare check from a police officer might take the wind out of his sails.

Now that he’s gone as low as he possibly can - using your DC to try to bully you - hopefully your justified anger will kick in and you’ll stop trying to pacify this idiot. You can’t reason with an unreasonable person. I understand that you want to avoid conflict, but that ship has sailed.

Its not unreasonable to expect the minimum of what you are legally entitled to - it’s for the benefit and security of DC. Because of his behaviour I’d only communicate via solicitors. Your DM sounds wise re: the school and she’s absolutely right, I think.

2 bunches for surviving your family @ReneBumsWombats - one literally, one metaphorically.

Also - ^^that is a stonking post. Thank you.

That's very kind. Thank you.

Face it, he's not going to be around in their lives anyway, is he? He's only interested in them as weapons against their mother.

But PP are right, he's not going to kill himself. Bullies like this use that threat only as a tactic.