STBEH punishing the kids because he is raging at me.

[Lookslikesrain]

I'm being bombarded with hate mail today and last night because I asked for a fair divorce settlement instead of what he proposed. He has this morning emailed the kids school and said he is pulling them out (fee paying) due to financial issue due to divorce and they have acknowledged it.

Its purely out of spite for me.

I never ever thought he would upset the kids as a way of getting to me.

I have only asked for 20% of what im legally entitled to so I can use it as a deposit to buy a house. He wanted to give me 10%. The reason im not going for it all is because I don't want to have a horrible fight to death over it and I am only just getting in a ok place after the worst two years of my life.

So I don't know what to do now, the kids break for summer holidays in a few weeks, no school to go to.

The deal was he didnt pay me maintenance and he would pay the school fees, I was happy with that. But now because I wont agree to pocket change he has decided to give he is pulling them anyway.

I have taken so much on the chin since we split up because I wanted the kids to be protected from it and I feel that because I have been so fucking reasonable about everything to protect the kids - that the thinks I will go back and take the 10% to keep them in school.

Any advice?

50% plus maintenance OP. No less.

@ivykaty44 No. My mother received a couple of very nasty letters from the OW (no idea why, probably because my mother took my father to court to get a decent settlement). She thought the court would give her more due to the abuse...court wasn't interested. They only care about the legal side.

I really hope you get some good legal advice and support. He will have no idea that’s your direction of travel. He probably thinks you will obviously back down because of the loss of the private school. He has another thing coming!

Bless your heart….I can’t add any advice as you’ve seriously had everything covered by the wonderful MN etters…… what I will say is I once had an extremely abusive ex who several times was going to “ crash my car into a wall”…. “ slit my wrists” and “ hang myself”…… guess what?? 17 years later the fuckwit is still apparently swaggering around wearing all his moody gold and telling anecdotal stories about when he was a bailiff/ a bouncer/ a strongman….he loved himself far too much to ever do that….. fucking twat….

So much love and luck with all that lies ahead….xxx

I'm sorry to hear she went through that, but it isn't a basis on which to make a divorce settlement. It needs to be a fair division based on contribution (financial and otherwise), resulting earning power and living needs. It isn't supposed to be punitive.

FGs don't "tell" him anything. Don't threaten him with prison a la Becker, don't tell him he's giving you 75% + X Y and Z.

Just find a solicitor and let them deal with it. Make sure all communication goes through them.

Just thinking about the school situation. Private schools usually have a notice period. I also assume that you both have signed your children up and therefore you will both need to give notice.

Phone the bursar. Be clear about the fact you are divorcing and you are worried about fees. State that you have been told he has withdrawn the children for September and could they confirm if this is the case. If you signed paperwork for them to attend, ask why they haven't notified you and/or ask what their expectations are regarding you giving notice. I would put good money on him having done sod all about removing them from the school and I would also think they will want a term's notice. Ask them what their notice period is and as someone who had to pull a child from private school during divorce (and who also now works in a private school), I can assure you that they will follow their terms and conditions and chase their money. In our case, I gave timely notice but my ex didn't....so we got a term's fees to pay. They took it to small claims and it was paid off as part of the divorce settlement. I made it clear to the judge it was a debt we didn't need to have incurred and it came out of his part of the settlement.

If he's the kind of guy who's bothered about his credit rating (and he would be sensible to be bothered, given the current situation and the fact he's going to need to be able to buy a house as he moves on from your marraige), you could warn him that if he doesn't follow the school's terms and conditions, he runs the risk of a CCJ. If he gets a CCJ, he's not getting a mortgage - and neither are you if you get one. If the CCJ was avoidable and you can prove that, a sympathetic judge may well award you a greater share of the marital assets to ensure the children are as secure as they can be.

I know you are devastated and things are shit right now but you have to get your fighting head on. He will piss off and leave you alone eventually. Just work through the next few months which will be diffcult, but you will do it. You really need to start creating a paper trail. Get yourself a folder and start filing away your paperwork because you're going to need it!

If he is pulling the kids out of school then get yourself a good divorce lawyer and go for everything you are entitled to, including maintenance. Start researching schools so you can get them somewhere ready for the start of the school year.

It seems you are going to have a horrible fight whatever you ask so ask for the maximum, you won’t get it but you will get even less if you ask for much less.

And yes, some people hate their exes more than they love their children, be prepared to support them as they realise what kind of person their father has become.

Honestly? After that Id be very tempted to call for a mental health check due to suicide threat.

You can be darned sure that if you give in to his demands he will still withdraw the kids from private school after he gets what he wants. My ex ran away abroad to avoid paying maintenance and squandered the money from his share of the house and is now living abroad on benefits. I bought my own house with my own hard work. Then I bought DS a house. He thinks his father is a total waste of space.

Another one who would call the police to say you are concerned about his welfare and share the suicide threat following your separation. That way, your conscience is clear and he'll know he can't mess with you.

Tell him nothing

Block him everywhere

Report the suicide threat to police

Get a SHL - shit hot lawyer and take her advice - I'm guessing it will be ' we need more assets as this bloke hides money by being self employed'

And withhold contact as he's threatening suicide - he can take you to court and prove he's safe to have the children and not a family annihilator

His abusive messages, threatening suicide etc won't get you a better share of assets or income. But they could be very much what you need if you are concerned about his instability/unsupervised access to your children. Or if he tries a plan b of wanting them to live with him

If only all these fuckwits who threatened suicide actually did it...but they never do.

Keep your nerve, Op. Communication through solicitor only. Focus on your kids and you'll get through this.

@Lookslikesrain I haven't had time to RTFT - but there are many similarities with the situation my DC and I were in 10 years ago. School fees were a major thing. He also threatened suicide several times.

What he says to you, or about you, is now as irrelevant as ant on your patio. You no longer have to live with him. In fact, if you get a solicitor, you don't have to speak to him at all. They will do it all for you. He'll be like a toddler having a tantrum when he knows he can't affect you, but he is not your problem. He can rage and rampage all he likes: you need to be practical and ensure that you and your children are financially secure going forward.

My divorce, which was monstrous, ended up with 60:40 in my favour, with him paying the bulk of school fees. I could have gone for more than 60:40 but I didn't want it to go to court (solicitor advised me that school fees can go either way - if you get a judge who's anti-independent schools, it can go against you), and I did want him to pay the fees so the DC didn't have to move schools as well as losing the family home and a nuclear family. If your 9 yr old is particularly sensitive, that is a very good argument not to move her. And if you're not moving one, you can't move the other. A solicitor will make this argument for you. The law is only interested in the children, and in maintaining their status quo in so far as it's possible. It is possible, because he can afford it. I'm also surprised that he can give unilateral notice - in my experience, notice has to be given in the names of all people with parental responsibility - so while one can give notice, the other could contest it. I'd tell the school immediately that you haven't consented to this move - at least while you suss out your options.

As for the suicide threats: they are not your problem. It's a form of manipulation. Don't engage with it. My XH lined up a load of pills in his shed, but he never took them. There was no way he'd have committed suicide - he was far too keen on self-preservation for that.

The suicide thing is textbook emotional abuse. They literally all do it.

Very well done for going after what you're entitled to. You might well find it's less of a big horrible fight than the 20% might have been. Crossing my fingers for you.

If only all these fuckwits who threatened suicide actually did it...but they never do

This, too. My XH is still well and truly alive and kicking and being a complete and utter bellend. Fortunately nowhere near me.

Good luck. Glad you're getting a solicitor. This isn't a job to undertake on your own. You'll need all the help you can get. You and your children deserve it.

Yes that!

Forget the school. Look for a suitable state school and apply for a place. He will use this as a way to control you and avoid paying what you are entitled to.
Go for what you are entitled to. Get legal advice and stick to it.

COntact local authority for local schools in your area…. Do some research as to what they are like.

Get your solicitor to do a 50-50 asset split and child support.

My ex husband did me a favour by changing are verbal agreement…. My children and I are a lot better off after getting proper advice and representation.

Take him to the cleaners, good luck x

You are not responsible for anything he does, be that pulling your kids out of school or threatening suicide. Just keep on doing as you're doing. Anything he does is up to him. He sounds appalling, I'm so sorry.