STBEH punishing the kids because he is raging at me.

[Lookslikesrain]

I'm being bombarded with hate mail today and last night because I asked for a fair divorce settlement instead of what he proposed. He has this morning emailed the kids school and said he is pulling them out (fee paying) due to financial issue due to divorce and they have acknowledged it.

Its purely out of spite for me.

I never ever thought he would upset the kids as a way of getting to me.

I have only asked for 20% of what im legally entitled to so I can use it as a deposit to buy a house. He wanted to give me 10%. The reason im not going for it all is because I don't want to have a horrible fight to death over it and I am only just getting in a ok place after the worst two years of my life.

So I don't know what to do now, the kids break for summer holidays in a few weeks, no school to go to.

The deal was he didnt pay me maintenance and he would pay the school fees, I was happy with that. But now because I wont agree to pocket change he has decided to give he is pulling them anyway.

I have taken so much on the chin since we split up because I wanted the kids to be protected from it and I feel that because I have been so fucking reasonable about everything to protect the kids - that the thinks I will go back and take the 10% to keep them in school.

Any advice?

Next time he threatens suicide tell him if that is what he really wants - rather than a pathetic attempt to manipulate - then you will luctantly accept his decision.

Thanks for your messages. I am going to go for what i'm entitled to. I have blocked him on watsap but he has sent me a message to my phone messages saying im 'going to find him hanging

Not to be callous towards those who are suicidal. But wouldn’t that be in your favour.
100% and no more abuse

You do realise that the business is a marital asset of which you will be entitled to 50% (60% if there is abuse so keep all the messages)

Whilst you can get hold of as much paperwork as you can, bank statements, company records (look up the HMRC website to show how much or little the business is actually making)
Pension plans, savings and investments and payslips, and P60s etc

The financial side of Divorce works in a very fair way.
Anything you own, businesses, houses, cars, furniture, land, pension funds, savings, investments etc are all valued. Then divided by 2 then you agree who takes what and if something can’t be split it is sold or the one that takes it has to buy the other out.

The starting point is 50/50

Friend’s said she would not get a penny, he would make her homeless as he had paid for everything. He also demanded that he have full custody of the children and she wouldn’t see them again.

Friend walked away with 60% of the marital pot. She chose the mortgage free family home and about 30% of the equity from the sale of a rental property
Her husband walked away with his main business, a small flat and the rest of the equity of the rental property
Also the children were at university so they just laughed at him when he demanded they live with him.

It might start off with him telling you what he will allow you to have. It ends in a court room with a judge telling you both the percentages you can take.

Also another friend who represented her self got her ex to pay all school fees until their child was 18 on top of the CM payments.

DO NOT DO THIS

YOU ARE ENTITLED TO 50% OF EVERYTHING (including his business and all assets)

Also op there is a thread atm of the financially poorer exw losing her children to the now wealthy exh. The children are teens and are moving to be with their father because he can offer them more

Keep yourself on a similar financial footing as him otherwise you could end up in the same position
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Make sure you keep all his messages and document everything. The less hold he has over you going forward, the better. Stay strong.

Go for everything you can and in that way you will be protecting the kids. He's not going to give you or them anything unless someone forces him. Do not play nice thinking he will see reason. Start researching narcissists and counter parenting. I'm really sorry this is happening to you and your DC's.

Keep all messages. Provide them to lawyer if needed. They may come in useful if he’s being an arse over child contact. I wouldn’t respond or react to him at all he’s trying to provoke a reaction (like a toddler having a tantrum when not getting own way)
Do be careful Op he’s obviously upping ante as you aren’t playing ball. Do everything you need to keep yourself and children safe.

Contact the police and ask them to do a welfare check on him as he’s threatening suicide. He will soon realise his threats are not something he can manipulate you with.

Ive just had a phone call with my grandmother who has just said the school is the ONLY thing he can get me with and to see it as a blessing if he really does go through with it

Wise words from grandma. I'm glad you've got people like her around to remind you that you are doing the right thing, you're a good mother and you deserve a hell of a lot better than him.

Make sure that you keep a record of all his abusive texts as a sign of his nastiness. The courts won't like him one bit. Go for 50% and maintenance. That way you can help either with the school fees or move to a better area close to a good state school. Get legal advice..please do not accept a paltry 20/% just because he has worn you down. In a few years you may well regret it and feel angry.

That's incorrect. The starting point for consideration in court is 50%. But OP may be awarded more or less than that depending on what the judge decides.

Make sure you keep all the messages from him - the insults and the emotional blackmail etc.

@Lookslikesrain I know it's hard to face after what looked like a happy relationship but it doesn't seem your soon to be EXDH was ever really the man he seemed to be. The mild mannered public face covered a man who felt able to cheat multiple times, and felt entitled to do that, and is now raging that you've ruined his happy life. He's prepared to threaten the DC's happiness as he knows they're your weak spot, he's hoping to punish you as much as possible and they are his weapon of choice.
Take a long cold look at him, now he's dropped the mask and this is more the real him. He's not going to make this easy so you need to forget reasonable and do battle. Get a recommendation for a good divorce lawyer if possible and have as little direct contact with your EX as you can.
Lots of women have posted on MN about just this situation and reasonable doesn't seem to work, stay angry and be on your guard.

Just posted similar!

Has a judge ever looked at nasty text messages between couples & awarded more to one side due to the nasty messages?

A man's view - though one brought up by a single mum after my father jumped ship - my initial instinct is to accommodate others wishes where I can, BUT if they swing first, then they deserve everything they get.
Your priority is your kids (good mum!) and your husband has unilaterally terminated their private education. That's a big hole dug for himself.
Now, you have to be prepared for him to lie, steal and obfuscate to keep money and assets. If documentary evidence exists of your initial approach, keep it, but seek advice for the full entitlement for you and your children.
Good luck.

I'd bet money it has been a contributing factor in many cases, but the primary consideration is a fair division of the marital assets based on (among other things) length of the marriage, earning power, children and their residency, and lifestyle.

Whether one party is being nasty is not usually in consideration unless said party has been trying to hide assets or there has been abuse in the marriage which may impact on e.g. earning power and children and their residency.

In short, you don't usually get compensation just because your ex is a bastard.

Re: suicide text - I agree with the poster who suggested you call police to do a welfare check. After a visit from the police - who are highly likely to find him alive and well - he will be very unlikely to send you a text like that again.

He is trying to engage you and control you. Do not play his game, stay detached.

If you have a local domestic abuse charity it would be well worth you calling them for advice. They can support you in dealing with his psychological manipulation and threats. They will have heard it all before. Men like this seem to follow a script (and suicide threats are a common feature).

Don't forget to remind him about Boris Becker languishing in prison at HMP Huntercombe for hiding assets and lying in court.

Full disclosure or he's going to the slammer. He's not legally allowed to hide anything and it may be worthwhile reminding him of that, although a kick arse solicitor will of course I'm sure, do that for you. Good luck and good riddance!

This - tell him the gloves are off that you want a 75/25 split and CMS and fees paying and 50% his pension

i wanted 50/50 split he said no and I got a 75/25 split and he had to pay CMS and fees court ordered

They did in my case

Glad you’re going for everything you are entitled to. He sounds beyond horrible and abusive. Seriously get every penny

Go for 50% then. If he’s not sticking to it why should you

Get police to do a welfare check

ask the school to keep them there and you cover it

dont move them if you can

Fuck him over now go for 100% of everything

I was so reasonable until he fucked around over the school fees - the court rained fire on him