Sick of DH touching me whenever he feels like it

[PinkPiranha11]

I’ve seen a few threads like this before on MN so I don’t think I’m alone but would appreciate your thoughts…. So in bed this morning DH this morning started touching my leg through my pyjamas and then starting rubbing my crotch. I’m on my period, which he knows, and he knows sex wouldn’t be on the agenda for me when I’m on my period. The kids had just vacated our bedroom (having popped in for a chat after they woke up), and I’m reading a news article on my phone in bed fully clothed in pyjamas . It was very clear that this wasn’t a “sex” situation.

I removed his hand and said “not now” and two minutes later he starts again. Now I’m pissed off and I say “It really pisses me off when you touch me whenever you like, you can’t just put your hands on my vagina whenever you want.” (I’m a fairly direct sort of person!)

He then huffs about it, saying he’d love it if I just grabbed his bits whenever I liked. I repeat that this situation is not about him, it’s about me. I can see from his face he literally doesn’t get it, can’t empathise etc. He says “I’m not a rapist”, rolls over and goes back to sleep. He’s been huffy ever since. WTF!?!

He has form for this kind of thing and it’s a discussion we’ve had before when he’ll just stroke my boob if I’m wearing a scoop neck top (only in private I add!) or grab my bum when I’m unloading the dishwasher.

It really offends me and massively makes me not want to have sex with him ever again. Things are pretty ropey from my point of view in our marriage right now - no abuse or anything like that -just lack of interest from me, feeling a bit stuck and sick of being his facilitator in general. I’m kind of staying for the kids right now and the security but I’m committed to not leaving the marriage at the moment.

Any advice? I don’t feel I can’t ask anyone IRL about this, all my friends seem to have perfect relationships.

It’s a really sad situation: he loves and fancies you, the kids adore him, but you’re unhappy enough to consider leaving him. His clumsy efforts to arouse you make matters worse.

Could you tell him, very honestly but without putting him down, that seeing him doing his share of household admin or childcare would turn you on much more than a crotch grab, which turns you off?

Could he regain your love by changing his habits? If so, could couples counselling help him to understand what to do? I hope so. He’s trying to win you back but getting it all wrong.

That’s what I was thinking too.

I think you just don't fancy him anymore and if you did, you'd be more receptive to his touch.

I don't think he gives of "rapey vibes" from what you describe, despite clearly being in the minority in this. If you were both similarly tactile with each other, it wouldn't be in an issue.. but you're not .. so it is.

Personally I don't think that the problem is him wanting to touch you.. it's you not wanting him to touch you. Is he an ass hole in general or have you just gone off him?

That is true and I don't for one moment disagree. However, in a healthy marriage one partner wouldn't regularly be asking the other to stop.

Marriage is by definition a sexual relationship, otherwise you're just roommates. While this in no way justifies him touching her when she asked him not to, by rebuffing his sexual advances - and touch is one of them - she's not being fair to him.

Either stay in the marriage, even if just for the kids and security, but actually commit to it. Or leave.

Can’t go on though, can it. My heart isn’t in it at the moment for sure. We had counselling once before - I hated it as I felt the counsellor didn’t like me and basically said it was all my fault.

I'm sorry but from what you've written I tend to agree with your therapist. You have a good husband, attractive and hard working, and a beloved father. So what is stopping you from being happy?

You seem to turn on anyone who puts any kind of responsibility and onus on yourself. Think maybe they have a point. Perhaps you should be working on yourself, to appreciate what you have and how you can reciprocate the love you're getting.

Anything apart from humping and random tit squeezing is a start
I mean I just say "bed?" because he never needs any persuasion

Could this apply here?

www.drpsychmom.com/2022/06/09/men-who-want-more-sex-actually-want-more-love/

I wouldn't like a crotch grab or a tit squeeze any time, partly because they hurt. But I've always loved being stroked, even 'groped', by a sex partner -- obviously not in public! Surely a level of physical intimacy (not necessarily leading to sex) is part of a loving marriage?

OP, you say I’m not very warm emotionally (I’m blaming my mum for that, although I am cuddly with my kids) and I’m far worse with that recently. It’s almost like I’m protecting myself from emotional hurt by checking out.

No wonder he's unhappy.

Would you be any happier alone with your children? Or with a new partner, who's likely to become as unhappy as your present DH once the first blast of new love has worn off?

Would you consider counselling for yourself alone? Letting go of blaming your mother, because you're responsible for your own life now? Finding out if you could enjoy your self more, and the life you have? Discovering you don't have to carry your mother around in your head any more could be a very liberating experience in itself.

Its a tricky one, I love to be touched and id be seriously wondering if my partner was still into me if he didn't take the opportunity for a but if feeling me up. It sounds like you aren't into him any more? So would any physical contact or suggestions to got to bed make you happy or are you fully checked out? That hes ignoring your request to stop isn't good but im not sure many men know how to say 'I feel rejected and I dont know how to deal with it' so they push it. Not to say ita right but I think they just do the wrong thing. ..

If you dont fancy him at all and you don't really want to be in the marriage I actually think its wrong to decide to stay in it but just not tell him. These situations will keep coming up and while his reaction is wrong the context means he's going to keep trying

What is the acceptable message now on mumsnet that your partner finds you attractive and would like to have some sort of sexual contact with you?

@Japanesejazz I suppose I wouldn't mind 'you look lovely' and a kiss or something. But not in a face-shoved-in-my-face without warning sort of way.

Physical contact has a place in a loving relationship, I don't think it's so wrong of him to touch you without first asking every single time

Grabbing you by the p*y or some thing though? Seriously? Maybe if it was a hand on the shoulder or something, in a non-pushy way. Going straight to grabbing people in intimate areas or forcefully isn't usually hot.

I get what you mean if you're in the first throes of a relationship, but that can be a very sexual time. But even then, I think I'd think it a bit too full on if someone grabbed my pum-pum, boob or bum without warning.

I don't think he gives of "rapey vibes" from what you describe, despite clearly being in the minority in this. If you were both similarly tactile with each other, it wouldn't be in an issue.. but you're not .. so it is.

@LocutisOfBorg If it wasn't rapy already (I would think it is) it's definitely rapey because it's non-consensual and OP has said she doesn't want it but he keeps doing it.

im not sure many men know how to say 'I feel rejected and I dont know how to deal with it' so they push it.

They have got a brain. So if they push it it's their rapey choice.

I could have written your original post too. I have been going around in circles for years in my thoughts - although not a SAHM his earning power is more than double mine, and we live in a ridiculously expensive area. With 2 DC I couldn't see a realistic solution, and didn't want them to be let down because I made a stupid choice. I've been sooo miserable, comfort eating (and put on a huge amount of weight), and ended up on anti-depressants a couple of years ago.

Just before our 20th anniversary, I had a few moments of clarity

• I couldn't go through another "it's my birthday, all I want is a BJ"
• How can I advise my 14yo DD on relationships without being massively hypocritical. This isn't what I would want for her
• I really liked it when he went on business trips - both from a general stress and a not having to share the same space, defend why I was wearing pyjamas, draw out how long my period was going on for....
• It wasn't worth my physical and mental health to stay in this relationship long term, so why was I still here?

We're now separating, and hopefully I will be FREE by Christmas.

I felt justified that I had taken the right decision when he suggested that even if we weren't going to have sex any longer perhaps I could continue to get changed in front of him to give him some 'material' for his personal time.....

"They have got a brain. So if they push it it's their rapey choice."

Obviously. By the same token, is jt ok to remain married to a man for his financial acumen knowing full well you want to leave and you never want to sleep with him again, and he is totally unaware of this? That form of deception is ok? Would you expect there to be any issues arising out of that deception? Because I would. Hes in the wrong but so is OP for letting this fester in silence. If she wants this to stop there's a simple answer. Tell him she wants a divorce but she needs him to give her time and continue the financial arrangement while she prepares to leave. Then he has the right to choose.

Obviously. By the same token, is jt ok to remain married to a man for his financial acumen knowing full well you want to leave and you never want to sleep with him again, and he is totally unaware of this?

He isn't owed/entitled to sex, it doesn't work that way. Most couples go through luls and higher points in their sex life. And imagine how he would be if OP said that she doesn't want to shag him again. He's being dreadful as it is. It mightn't even be safe for her to say that (as it is, she's being sexually assaulted.) He might go into full on rape if she tells him she doesn't want to shag him again. No one knows what his reaction would be but it wouldn't be good to live with, that's for sure.

Staying for security for the moment doesn't have the same connotations as staying 'for his financial acumen' - I don't imagine OP is living the lifestyle of a WAG or anything, spending his money on ridiculously expensive bags, shoes or whatever. She just doesn't feel strong enough to leave yet/doesn't know how.

We all know how hard it is for someone to move into work and earn enough to leave their partner. People find it particularly hard to move from being a SAHM to leaving an abusive marriage, because it can feel impossible due to them not having any means of doing it.

And everyone worries for their kids and is anxious about separating due to them.

This is just a ridiculous false equivalence. You are honestly suggesting that it's the same thing to have your doubts about your relationship and needing time to process that, and to indulge in sexual assault?

So should the OP's husband equally say that he feels that since he's married to her and has the 'financial acumen' then he's entitled to touch her sexually at will? After all in your view, you anything other than full frankness equals deception.

I honestly think that the OP has been worn down, and it's difficult to find the emotional and cognitive resources to leave when you feel like that. But really there's probably not much point in discussing this with you, as your views are so absurd.

@supercali77

I can't understand your posts if they are genuine.

Based on the scenario you've described, do you genuinely think that finding out you've had your wallet stolen is often as traumatic as being sexually assaulted?

If not, your comparison makes no sense.

If so... good grief.

I don't get men who do this? Maybe emotionally stunted guys . My husband can read my cues. He's never groped me. Why women put uo with this I don't know my friends husband sexually assaults her daily . Why do men think that will work???

I said twice he was out of order. A third time then, what he's doing isn't OK. Im saying AND the backdrop to this isnt ok and liable to make matters worse rather than better. Since OPs husband isn't here im addressing what OP is saying about her approach. And its not a case of 'anything other than full frankness equals deception'. OP said maybe she should have been an actress and her husband is head over heels for her. It stood out to me as being well beyond full frankness and into the territory of him being so far from the truth of his marriage as to seem deceptive.

Horrific isn't it. I think those men just don't care. They don't really want consent, they just want to get the sexual gratification they get from touching etc. It's vile.

Some posters on here (not you) don't seem to get that if a very tactile relationship is consensual and reciprocated then yes it's acceptable behaviour to behave in a way that doesn't make the other party uncomfortable, but the second it's clear the other party is uncomfortable and you continue anyway, it's literally sexual assault to then continue to touch their tits / vagina / arse etc.

It's so depressing to see the 'my Nigel does it and it just means a man fancies you' brigade minimising OP's very legitimate and understandable disgust and upset at being touched in a way she has explicitly not consented to.

There's a word for men who don't take no for an answer. Well there are a few words for them. It's disgusting to override someone's explicit boundaries.

OP said maybe she should have been an actress and her husband is head over heels for her.

Poor OP is trying to make sense of the man she thinks loves her sexually assaulting her on a regular basis by ignoring her explicit boundaries and her vocally not consenting.

A man who actually loves a woman does not sexually assault her, so posters are trying to help OP see that her believing that he is 'head over heels' for her is incorrect and damaging, holding her back from seeing him for what he is.

Men who assault women are not good men. Men who don't take no for an answer are not good men.
Men who ignore repeated explicit boundaries are not good men.

He is not a good man. By any stretch.

OP should not be encouraged, IMO, to see the best in a man who is not only not a good man, but is also someone regularly sexually assaulting her.

Sorry this is was to @supercali77

Horrific isn't it. I think those men just don't care. They don't really want consent, they just want to get the sexual gratification they get from touching etc. It's vile

I agree it’s horrific. And yes it’s partly about the sexual gratification. But it’s also about the power - they get off on the fact that their partner doesn’t want it, but she has to put up with it because he is the boss. He is in charge of her and owns her body. He is exercising his rights of ownership, like a dog peeing to mark his territory.

That’s why so many of them like to do it in public or semi public - putting their hand on the woman’s leg and sliding it up her skirt or putting their arm around her and touching her breast .

Completely agree.