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Original poster

Sick of DH touching me whenever he feels like it

105 replies

PinkPiranha11 · 18/06/2022 10:13

I’ve seen a few threads like this before on MN so I don’t think I’m alone but would appreciate your thoughts…. So in bed this morning DH this morning started touching my leg through my pyjamas and then starting rubbing my crotch. I’m on my period, which he knows, and he knows sex wouldn’t be on the agenda for me when I’m on my period. The kids had just vacated our bedroom (having popped in for a chat after they woke up), and I’m reading a news article on my phone in bed fully clothed in pyjamas . It was very clear that this wasn’t a “sex” situation.

I removed his hand and said “not now” and two minutes later he starts again. Now I’m pissed off and I say “It really pisses me off when you touch me whenever you like, you can’t just put your hands on my vagina whenever you want.” (I’m a fairly direct sort of person!)

He then huffs about it, saying he’d love it if I just grabbed his bits whenever I liked. I repeat that this situation is not about him, it’s about me. I can see from his face he literally doesn’t get it, can’t empathise etc. He says “I’m not a rapist”, rolls over and goes back to sleep. He’s been huffy ever since. WTF!?!

He has form for this kind of thing and it’s a discussion we’ve had before when he’ll just stroke my boob if I’m wearing a scoop neck top (only in private I add!) or grab my bum when I’m unloading the dishwasher.

It really offends me and massively makes me not want to have sex with him ever again. Things are pretty ropey from my point of view in our marriage right now - no abuse or anything like that -just lack of interest from me, feeling a bit stuck and sick of being his facilitator in general. I’m kind of staying for the kids right now and the security but I’m committed to not leaving the marriage at the moment.

Any advice? I don’t feel I can’t ask anyone IRL about this, all my friends seem to have perfect relationships.

OP posts:
Whitehorsegirl · 18/06/2022 12:47

I am really appalled to see some comments equating this to normal behaviour if you ''fancy'' someone...

Why are som many people struggling with understanding the meaning of ''no''?

Very simple situation: the OP asked her partner to stop and he did not. Then he tried to justify his sex pest behaviour. It sounds like he has a previous history of doing this although he has been told clearly that the OP does not enjoy random gropping.

I don't think there is anything else to do but leave that guy OP in this situation. You are not happy it seems in your marriage in general, you don't fancy him anymore because of his lack of respect and he is not going to change because he is not willing to accept his behaviour is inappropriate.

It should not require endless discussions and counselling for a grown man to understand that no means no. And I think some women should really stop trying to justify this type of behaviour as being normal for men...

Pastryapronsucks · 18/06/2022 12:48

Truthseeker456 · 18/06/2022 12:34

Yes they do my partner does - Men who still fancy their partners do that is. My ex never did but I don't think he liked me very much and I didn't like him much either!

I sort of agree. The issue comes when they are asked to stop and don't. That indicates a lack of respect which is a red flag.

Sunnytwobridges · 18/06/2022 12:52

tulips27 · 18/06/2022 11:48

Let's be honest, most men do this, don't they?

No I don’t think most men do. A lot of them but not most.

my ex would do the same. Just start groping me between my legs while I was sleeping. No other lead up just gross groping. When I pushed his hand off me he would get all huffy and say “most women would love this and I would love to wake up to you stroking my junk”. He was a huge sex pest and his idea of foreplay was to grope me whenever he got the chance. Vile.

MyNameIsAngelicaSchuyler · 18/06/2022 12:52

Most men absolutely DO NOT do this. Most men know that other peoples bodies are their own and NOT to be grabbed/ touched without permission.

He’s already overstepped the line and I would not feel safe. I’m sorry OP

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 18/06/2022 13:03

My exH was like this and it ended in divorce I'm afraid. His constant sexual actions and words completely wore me down. If a nice family day out didn't begin with sex he'd be an arsehole all day. He was like a bonobo monkey. Only one thing interested him. His penis.
I became suicidal and decided enough was enough. I've lived alone for the last 5 years, very happy but I cannot bear anyone to touch me.

ShandaLear · 18/06/2022 13:04

Truthseeker456 · 18/06/2022 12:32

I have another view. I don't think it is creepy or disrespectful. He is your partner and he fancies you. My partner does this and I have no issue at all , but I love and fancy my partner. If you don't think you do anymore then maybe that is the problem ?

My partner loves and fancies me, but he doesn’t grab my vagina or grope my breasts out of nowhere as a sign of affection, and he definitely wouldn’t do it if I’d told him to stop as I found it creepy and rapey. It’s great that you’re happy with it, but the OP is not, and he’s disrespecting that.

Kanaloa · 18/06/2022 13:09

Truthseeker456 · 18/06/2022 12:32

I have another view. I don't think it is creepy or disrespectful. He is your partner and he fancies you. My partner does this and I have no issue at all , but I love and fancy my partner. If you don't think you do anymore then maybe that is the problem ?

Really? You’re sitting reading and your husband just grabs your vagina and continues when you ask him to stop? And that’s lovely and the sign of an affectionate husband?

People have such low standards, it’s sad. I literally read posts on here and think why would you live like that.

MsOllie · 18/06/2022 13:11

tulips27 · 18/06/2022 11:48

Let's be honest, most men do this, don't they?

Nope. My partner will kiss my neck or stroke my back, or cuddle me
I told him at the start of the relationship I didn't want to ever be woken up by sex/groping as it's not my thing, he respected that and will bring me coffee instead Grin

PaddleBoardingMomma · 18/06/2022 13:15

"I'm not a rapist"

"Stop doing rapey things then"

CushtyCushty · 18/06/2022 13:16

Truthseeker456 · 18/06/2022 12:32

I have another view. I don't think it is creepy or disrespectful. He is your partner and he fancies you. My partner does this and I have no issue at all , but I love and fancy my partner. If you don't think you do anymore then maybe that is the problem ?

What the fuck is happening to mumsnet lately? Because she says no to her genitals being groped she must not like her husband anymore?

It doesn't matter if you like your husband doing it, this woman doesn't and he knows she doesn't and he keeps doing it, many women don't like their crotch groped when bleeding, I don't and I'd have to say no once to my husband because he isn't a caveman.

Men can control themselves, some choose not to and some think they shouldn't have to and if your partner also ignores you when you say no to your genitals being groped then he's a little creep like OPs fella.

ILoveYoga · 18/06/2022 13:17

Frankly, I’d appreciate it my husband stroked
me in passing or little sexual cuddles that aren’t meant to just be about sex at that moment (could be anticipatory) and building up sexual tension BUT, BIG BUT the key point for you is that you don’t like it, it grosses you out and you have asked him repeatedly not to do it so it is having the opposite effect. It is just groping as you’re not a willing participant.

sounds as though your relationship is over. You don’t want sex with him. He annoys you. You’re only staying for the children. So anything he does or doesn’t do is going to annoy you. Best for all involved to leave or have a frank discussion to make clear that part of your relationship is over. Then he won’t be trying this.

WellThatsMeScrewed · 18/06/2022 13:21

Ummm if my DH randomly grabbed me he would likely get an elbow in his nose. That’s not to say that I don’t fancy him and the other way round. But there are ways of communicating this respectfully, you build up to intimate touch. Signals are given for permission and then respect is given when it’s communicated that’s it’s not right for one party at that time.

No means no. And when that’s not respected by the one person in the world who is supposed to be ‘on your side’ it is a worrying state of affairs.

tootiredtoocare · 18/06/2022 13:24

My DH is a bit huffy about getting a reality check about this type of behaviour, I've started (after far too long) telling him it's not necessary to touch my breast every time he wants a hug, that I love to hug him and it's a form of affection, loving not sexual. We're getting there.

SpeckledlyHen · 18/06/2022 13:28

tulips27 · 18/06/2022 11:48

Let's be honest, most men do this, don't they?

No. No they really don't do this.

CushtyCushty · 18/06/2022 13:28

Really? You’re sitting reading and your husband just grabs your vagina and continues when you ask him to stop? And that’s lovely and the sign of an affectionate husband?

It's worrying that some women seem to have lower standards for the man they're in a relationship with that they do a man in the street.

Being in a relationship does not mean you lose the right to consent, if a stranger behaved to OP the same way, posters wouldn't be saying most men do it or that it's a sign they fancy her, but when it's a man you are in a relationship with then he can't possibly be expected to stop when you've said no.

Op clearly isn't describing consensual touching, it doesnt even matter if someone usually like being groped, if someone says "no, stop" then he should stop, a man who doesn't listen and continues anyway isn't doing it though love and respect, it's not a sign of affection, he's doing it through entitlement.

newbiename · 18/06/2022 13:32

tulips27 · 18/06/2022 11:48

Let's be honest, most men do this, don't they?

No I don't think they do.

Fishandchipbutty · 18/06/2022 13:38

No means no. He's not listening. Maybe he senses your withdrawal and is crassly trying to reconnect, or maybe he's just a knob. You understandably have the ick with him and that's almost impossible to turn around, even if you wanted to.
I'd be lining up my ducks and plan for a smart exit!

Rubyroseyposey · 18/06/2022 13:45

So my ex of 6 years did this, it was the only reason I ended the relationship, but it was in there. Worst of all, as we co parent we see eachother often and he STILL does it...
I have no idea why they feel entitled to do this, they genuinely see nothing wrong in it either. Its infuriating.

Rubyroseyposey · 18/06/2022 13:46

Sorry meant to say wasnt the only reason

Ticksallboxes · 18/06/2022 13:59

tulips27 · 18/06/2022 11:48

Let's be honest, most men do this, don't they?

Haha - Nooo!!

I've had four long term relationships and (sadly) only my DH does it (actually did it is more appropriate as it eventually had a detrimental effect on our sex life).

For years I couldn't bend over in the house without him dry humping me (when the DCs weren't around)!

BruceAndNosh · 18/06/2022 14:09

My husband manages to show me he loves me without grabbing me "by the pussy". Watching him empty the dishwasher makes me fancy him more

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 18/06/2022 14:18

What I really would have liked in my marriage rather than the Donald trump that I got would be someone who gently kissed my neck, gave me a hug, asked me if I was alright, shared the household load, remembered my birthday, paid half the mortgage and bills instead of northing, asked me where i'd like to go on holiday instead of using his money to book a holiday that he wanted to go on instead of a place we'd both like to go. I'd have fancied him like mad then.

Arou · 18/06/2022 14:44

ILoveYoga · 18/06/2022 13:17

Frankly, I’d appreciate it my husband stroked
me in passing or little sexual cuddles that aren’t meant to just be about sex at that moment (could be anticipatory) and building up sexual tension BUT, BIG BUT the key point for you is that you don’t like it, it grosses you out and you have asked him repeatedly not to do it so it is having the opposite effect. It is just groping as you’re not a willing participant.

sounds as though your relationship is over. You don’t want sex with him. He annoys you. You’re only staying for the children. So anything he does or doesn’t do is going to annoy you. Best for all involved to leave or have a frank discussion to make clear that part of your relationship is over. Then he won’t be trying this.

This.

Dweetfidilove · 18/06/2022 14:47

No means no, so he should stop.
You also don't want him, so really, the marriage is pretty much done.
The next time should be around ending the marriage.
You won't have to put up with his rapey behaviour and well, he can be free to find someone who doesn't mind being touched whenever.

Nanny0gg · 18/06/2022 15:18

Truthseeker456 · 18/06/2022 12:32

I have another view. I don't think it is creepy or disrespectful. He is your partner and he fancies you. My partner does this and I have no issue at all , but I love and fancy my partner. If you don't think you do anymore then maybe that is the problem ?

Would he stop if you asked him to?

Is that the only way someone can show they fancy you?