Sick of DH touching me whenever he feels like it

[PinkPiranha11]

I’ve seen a few threads like this before on MN so I don’t think I’m alone but would appreciate your thoughts…. So in bed this morning DH this morning started touching my leg through my pyjamas and then starting rubbing my crotch. I’m on my period, which he knows, and he knows sex wouldn’t be on the agenda for me when I’m on my period. The kids had just vacated our bedroom (having popped in for a chat after they woke up), and I’m reading a news article on my phone in bed fully clothed in pyjamas . It was very clear that this wasn’t a “sex” situation.

I removed his hand and said “not now” and two minutes later he starts again. Now I’m pissed off and I say “It really pisses me off when you touch me whenever you like, you can’t just put your hands on my vagina whenever you want.” (I’m a fairly direct sort of person!)

He then huffs about it, saying he’d love it if I just grabbed his bits whenever I liked. I repeat that this situation is not about him, it’s about me. I can see from his face he literally doesn’t get it, can’t empathise etc. He says “I’m not a rapist”, rolls over and goes back to sleep. He’s been huffy ever since. WTF!?!

He has form for this kind of thing and it’s a discussion we’ve had before when he’ll just stroke my boob if I’m wearing a scoop neck top (only in private I add!) or grab my bum when I’m unloading the dishwasher.

It really offends me and massively makes me not want to have sex with him ever again. Things are pretty ropey from my point of view in our marriage right now - no abuse or anything like that -just lack of interest from me, feeling a bit stuck and sick of being his facilitator in general. I’m kind of staying for the kids right now and the security but I’m committed to not leaving the marriage at the moment.

Any advice? I don’t feel I can’t ask anyone IRL about this, all my friends seem to have perfect relationships.

So much food for thought here and interesting to hear from those who have been in similar situations. The previous posters who said they wonder if he has sensed me “checking out” of the marriage and is therefore clinging on in a very misguided way are right on the button I think. This would be very much his style. He’s very much in love with me, always telling me how beautiful I am , how lucky he is, etc - to be honest it feels a bit desperate. I’m not very warm emotionally (I’m blaming my mum for that, although I am cuddly with my kids) and I’m far worse with that recently. It’s almost like I’m protecting myself from emotional hurt by checking out. I feel sort of “distant” from things, if you know what I mean.

He’d love more sex, I just don’t have a very high sex drive. Maybe I would with someone I actually respected and fancied - you can’t tell until you leave them or cheat so it’s difficult to know! I’d never think “ooh I want to have sex with him right now” - he’s not unattractive either so it’s weird that I don’t. We’ve been together 20 years - maybe that’s why - but I’ve never been that bothered about sex.

I have to say he isn’t a bad man at all, please don’t all of you go to bed tonight thinking I’m in danger of being raped or something! I’m definitely not & I wouldn’t say this is an abusive relationship - if it is, then I’ve certainly given as good as I’ve got verbally! I don’t take much shit in general.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky has a point - I just don’t fancy him anymore because it’s all on his terms, he doesn’t do much to bear the load. It’s all on me. I think practical and emotional help is FAR sexier than being dry humped whilst you try to do the hours of housework and general drudgery.

LTB isn’t an option immediately right now - I’ve done that absolute classic idiot move of leaving my job after child number 2 (tbf I got made redundant) to bring up the kids, whilst my DH developed his business which is doing really well. His earning potential outweighed mine by far and now I’m a SAHM with difficult choices to make and far fewer options.

All is not lost though - I’m definitely employable, we have equity in the house and if we did split I’d have good grounds for half of everything & id make sure I got it. I’ve done the hard yards of parenting for sure with very little support. “Ducks in a row” definitely is an option & I need to look into doing that.

I’d be super worried about how a potential split would affect my kids though. It would be a bolt from the blue for them and everyone else - maybe I should be an actress as I think I’ve papered over the cracks brilliantly for a long time. I think divorce is almost worse when kids didn’t see it coming. I’d worry they’re at tricky ages for it - 10 & 7 - and they adore him.

Can’t go on though, can it. My heart isn’t in it at the moment for sure. We had counselling once before - I hated it as I felt the counsellor didn’t like me and basically said it was all my fault. He’s very good at getting people on his side, he’s a consummate salesperson. If we split and there was no obvious fault from him (like an affair) then you can guarantee our friends and family would be on his side. I’m definitely more of a marmite sort of character. Anyway, “the chat” will be on the cards and I would be open to counselling again I think. Our communication is quite poor (that’s on me too, I recognise that) and counselling did improve that a little last time.

I saw something the other day in a relationships article that said “can you imagine spending all your days together when your kids have grown up and how would you feel about that?”….. I was like “god no, I want to live solo in a little house by the sea with a garden and a cat”

Fuck.

Yes but when they are told to stop, they do!!

They can also read the room (aka not go and touch their partner’s crotch when they have a period and dint want sex. AND have been told so before).

@PinkPiranha11 if you are not planning to leave him then I’d suggest you tell him exactly what you’ve said here

it’s all on his terms, he doesn’t do much to bear the load. It’s all on me. I think practical and emotional help is FAR sexier than being dry humped whilst you try to do the hours of housework and general drudgery.

Because he actually loves you as much as you think he is, that should make him wake h up to the fact he is a key player in the situation.

You absolutely need to tell him that you feel unloved and unappreciated his words are easy but the actions that you need from him is pulling his weight with the mental load, kids and housework.

Perhaps you need to find a job to find a bit of you even if it means paying for childcare and a cleaner etc.

YY to a job too.

Not the least because it would give some strength that if you want to you can leave Wo it being such a disaster financially iyswim.
And gaining that strength will come out and will rebalance your relationship too I suspect.

When he does it, act as if you're going to have a fondle of him then flick his dick. He won't do it again 😁

@MaggienLola2 I dumped a sex pest too and life is so peaceful and relaxing now in comparison. @PinkPiranha11 I recommend it.

Let's be honest, most men do this, don't they?

@tulips27 No, I don't think most men do it. Even if it's not unknown, I don't think that means we have to put up with it.

Worst of all, as we co parent we see eachother often and he STILL does it

@Rubyroseyposey This is 'not ok.' I suggest reporting him.

I have to say he isn’t a bad man at all, please don’t all of you go to bed tonight thinking I’m in danger of being raped or something! I’m definitely not & I wouldn’t say this is an abusive relationship

@PinkPiranha11 It's sexual abuse.

And of course he's a charmer to others, that's what a lot of these men are like.

I wouldn't suggest counselling with him, he sounds awful, and he'd just charm the counsellor into agreeing with him, like last time.

I would agree with the pp that counselling with him will probably be a waste of time but don’t discount counselling for you. I think most people could benefit from some counselling.

You need to leave him OP. You don't love him, you don't even like him.

I agree with @Kanaloa , therapy can be good for all sorts of things.

I would like to start of by saying, there are many different people out there and so it is obvious that some women hate this kind of behavior while some like it, or perhaps approve of it as a sign of happy and healthy marriage. As for me this is totally disgusting and off putting and not just because I am middle aged women now. I would accept a gentle touch, a hug or a cuddle as a sign of love and affection, but groping?!?!? OMG, I hate it. My ex used to do this too. He would come from behind while I am cooking, washing dishes or something like that and he would start touching me sexually. When I would tell him to stop he would get offended. Seriously!?!? Do you know how far away from thinking about sex I am when sautéing onions or washing greasy pots and pans? He also used to put his hand on my shoulder or on my thigh when we would be sitting with other people. I hated this too. It felt to me like my body was his property that he felt he could handle whenever he felt like it. When I would tell him to stop, he would get offended too.

And that it the problem here. It is not about what your husband does, it is about him not stopping when you tell him to stop and getting offended when you tell him you did not like it. End of story. What may seem like a normal and acceptable behavior to him does not to you and he must respect that. He must stop doing it and he should not get upset and sulk to make you feel bad about it.This is what you have to tell him, in short sentences and simple words so that he can understand you clearly.

@PinkPiranha11 I saw something the other day in a relationships article that said “can you imagine spending all your days together when your kids have grown up and how would you feel about that?”….. I was like “god no, I want to live solo in a little house by the sea with a garden and a cat”.

My therapist asked me something like this couple of years ago and that was, I think, the last straw for me. She asked if I saw myself living with him the next 25 years (we had been together 25 years when we split up). That is when I realized that I had to end it. There was no way that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this man.

He feels entitled because he believes that you are his property.

Im sure he would see something wrong with it if a 6’3” body builder groped him in the crotch while he was in the pub.

Not after you tell them you don't want them to, no, decent men don't.

Sorry you know horrible ones.

My partner fancies me and we have a great sex life.

He also doesn't do things that upset me, because he loves me.

And if he wanted to do them enough that he felt I was unreasonable to not want them, he would be free to leave me.

Not continue to do them, upsetting me in the process.

That's what's gross, not the concept of someone fancying you.

You like it. OP doesn't. You don't want to say no because you like it. OP has repeatedly said no because she doesn't.

Are you telling me if you have a daughter who one day was to come to you and say her boyfriend was repeatedly touching her vagina, tits and arse when she says no and has told him she doesn't like him doing it out of the blue, your response would actually be to say "ah, he just fancies you love. If he stopped doing that just because you don't like it, it'd mean he doesn't fancy you, so just put up with it"?

Bleurgh.

I have to say he isn’t a bad man at all

Sorry OP but genuinely decent men don't continue touching you in a way you've explicitly said makes you uncomfortable and is unwanted after you've told them it makes you uncomfortable and is unwanted.

Think about what that really means.

It means he wants to touch your boobs more than he wants you to be comfortable and happy.

You're right to be completely turned off by him and think he's pathetic.

But I think many of us would also think he's not a genuinely decent man.

What would you tell your daughter to do if she was with man like this, who touched her boobs, arse, vagina etc in a way she has told him explicitly that she doesn't enjoy, doesn't want and doesn't consent to? Do what you'd tell her to do.

Why are you committed to not leaving the marriage?

This is a great sentence and one you should share with him, if you thought there was any chance of staying together
"I think practical and emotional help is FAR sexier than being dry humped whilst you try to do the hours of housework and general drudgery."

If he stopped being a sex pest and actually stepped up, could this be rescued?

I mean at the moment he's using nice words to manipulate you into staying. If he used nice actions as well, who knows!

If the relationship has passed the point of no return then you need to tell him that and separate, not string him along. Move into separate bedrooms. Or if it possibly could be saved then tell him what you said upthread and see if he's prepared to put the work in.

My EXDP used to do this.

Note EX.

No-one wants to feel like a cum bucket.

He's a dick not to stop when you've said. That is not ok. But... it's only groping if you're not ridiculously attracted to the person doing it. Lets be honest - you don't fancy your husband OP.

But... it's only groping if you're not ridiculously attracted to the person doing it.

@HappypusSadpus Not really. If I'm in the mood to do something else, then I'm in the mood to do something else. Someone grabbing my cunt while I'm doing stuff isn't going to put me in the zone- it'd just be beyond annoying.

And that's without my having any stuff I have to do for family etc.

Plus it would depend how a bloke went about it I think, even if I thought he was really hot.

What is the acceptable message now on mumsnet that your partner finds you attractive and would like to have some sort of sexual contact with you?

Physical contact has a place in a loving relationship, I don't think it's so wrong of him to touch you without first asking every single time

im afraid I also agree . I’m in the early throes and I like being touched .
if you can’t foresee fancying Him again and being sexual again…..
then maybe the relationships run it’s course ?

it really does depend if you think it can be fixed or not though ?