Dating thread 230: Summer shenanigans!

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@MayEye hi 👋🏻

@WeWantTheFinestWines 👋🏻

@ButterfliesAWOL I've been guilty of this, stated need and desire for radical honesty but still changed a profile pic or a sentence on my bio because I don't like it anymore. Not necessarily because I'm looking. However, next time you see each other it's worth a 'I'm curious, tell me about the profile changes ...'. Keep your listening ears on and her response should tell you a lot .... as I'm sure you know exclusivity this early on is never a given ...

Im glad you said that @Mila14 because I didn’t want my post to come across as all smug and ‘look and me and my perfect relationship’ :) I just wanted to update and maybe give a bit of hope to those struggling that it is possible to meet a decent man - I was that person struggling to believe that on these threads many times over the year or so preceding meeting Mr L!

I posted here a long time ago and only popped in to say hello and if finding a wonderful partner can happen to someone like me then it can happen to you. @MayEye just beat me to it!

Mr Music and I are still going great. We just celebrated our 2nd anniversary having moved in together last year, a bit too fast but there were reasons behind it and it's all worked out well. We had met in the January but didn't start going out until after lockdown 1.

We found each other on Bumble. He swiped first ;) I just want to say a few things that really made a difference to me

1. Let people earn the right to you. Don't tell them everything they need to know too soon. Only reveal yourself to people who deserve it. Equally don't put only your flattering photos up. Put every day photos that show the real you!
2. The rules on here are great especially about trusting your instinct
3. If you have to ask yourself the question, you probably know the answer. I believe if men are interested, you'll know about it. Just my view of course
4. I don't believe it's a numbers game. I dated few men in comparison to others who went out on dates even with men they didn't think were right.
5. Accept imperfections. I think people can sway from thinking the smallest thing should be a red flag to ignoring actual red flags. Keep your wits about you.

I'll always be grateful for these threads because it helped to change my life. I wish you all very well.

Hi everyone.

I don't know if anyone remembers me and MrMind saga (he's the widower if that helps).

Well, we have been on and off for over 6 months now. We have a great time together, things go well and then he backs away and we agree to be friends. He dropped the L bomb and then freaked 🙄 so
I had enough of him messing me around and last month I told him a few truths about himself. I wasn't cruel but I was very firm in that the way he was treating me wasn't acceptable and I cut all contact with him.

He got back in touch after a week saying that he really wants me in his life and could we start again from friends and go slowly...

I do get this, it's less than a year since he lost his wife, he's got children and a lot to deal with... but I'm really struggling to be just friends with him. I crave affection and closeness. I've told him this.
We've seen each other a few times recently and as always we have an amazing time together, we laugh and it is so easy. Then it gets to the end of the night and it's a hug goodbye and to be honest I am finding it so so difficult.
I clearly have some feelings for him otherwise I would have binned him off a long time ago. I also think the fact he's clearly going through something that I could never understand, means that I've given him way more chances than I would anyone else.

This is really 'last chance saloon' for us, but I'm not sure how long the friends part is going to continue. It feels like he is calling all the shots.

@30somethingandstillsingle hey, it does sound like he is calling the shots but not in a malicious way, just that he's maybe not ready to take things to the level you want. Personally I would give this a time limit in my head and then explain that the friendship wasn't enough in my eyes. You don't want to force anyones hand but also being friends at this point is upsetting you and will stop you meeting someone more available. It's hard hence I think give it a time limit.

Lovely updates by @MayEye and @saltysallywas , always good to here positive stories!

@ButterflyOfShay I love that you have started the chatty thing with Mr Turk. I'm hoping a real life romance transpires! Still seeing Mr Blue so it's been about 6 weeks, lots of messages and 4 great dates. He's does exactly what he says he will do, plans dates, good communication, a genuinely decent guy. We are just enjoying things and staying in the present rather than looking too much ahead though. Its great!

Hello @30somethingandstillsingle that’s tough for you - sounds very turbulent and the just friends is never going to be enough when you like him as more than that x

@Eesha that’s lovely about MrBlue 💙💙

That sounds so tough and I agree it doesn't sound as though he's being malicious. I saw some great dating advice recently on social media, can't remember who posted it, but basically saying if a guy tells you they're not ready for a relationship for whatever reason - say to them that's great and thanks for being honest, and you really want them to be happy - but it's not what you are looking for and therefore say that although if they sort themselves out and change their minds, they are free to get in touch with you, as it's not what you're looking for you need to let them go. I know this would be so much easier to say than do but I can't see how trying to be friends is going to be anything other than agonising. You can be kind and understanding with him about it without having to sacrifice yourself in the process.

@30somethingandstillsingle Sounds like he's still grieving for his wife and isn't ready for a relationship.
I expect he went on dating sites for a bit of boredom and to see whats out there and didn't expect to meet someone he liked and now he's conflicted.

It sounds really tough for both of you, I'm with Eesha, set a time limit and then move on if he can't commit.

ButterfliesAWOL

it does seem odd that she made such a palava and then did that
I like Bella advice how to broach it
but I think I’d have to purely as she mad such a point about it

@30somethingandstillsingle hi, I’ve commented before on your previous posts with my own experience of being widowed and how it felt for me when I began dating. Have you asked him to say which specific part of dating (you) he’s finding difficult? At less than a year after his wife’s death there are most likely still going to be very conflicting emotions happening. He’s still to go through all of the key days- birthdays etc - yet and the first anniversary. He’s adapting to life as the only parent. He’s monitoring and supporting his DC, making sure they don’t encounter any further disruption or sadness. He will have his own needs for company, affection and sexual contact but trying to do so without appearing selfish or inappropriate.
But of course in all of this you also have feelings and needs. You may need to be the one who says that if you are going to have something it needs to be treated as a relationship- slow and steady if necessary - but if he can’t offer that you may have to remove yourself from his life. It may be right person, wrong time.

30somethingandstillsingle

hmm what does ‘friends ‘ mean ?
he is Clearly very VERY into you hence L bomb

but you have to come first in your world , as if he really can’t (and I do understand why ) it’s going to be alot of tears for you
and you don’t deserve that x

I can’t imagine being a widow to be fair . As much as me and ex are totally estranged and grey rock 🪨 he is someone that also lives my kids the same as me . The idea of being the only parent in totality is daunting

Im calm this end
Balkan went a bit off radar yesterday but I knew it was because it was fathers day
and he has some issues on that front lets
leave it there..
so I’ve shifted from ‘he’s on a date !!! He’s having a sex party’ !!! - to
‘he’s having a bad day , leave him be to process’

and I had a nice day yesterday , and he knows I did

but I’m kidding Myself if i say ‘it’s casual’ as I have feelings for him . And I know he does for me too in his funny messed up way

it’s unlucky I came into his life at the same time as things went nuclear ☢️

Great reading all the stories here. What sites are you all using ? I'm mostly bumble. Had a horror last weekend, seemed OK at first, then texting me 7am about meeting that day. Then angry when I didn't reply immediately ( I had z busy day with the kids) . Even insulted me via text. Ffs we haven't even met! Hopefully for more pleasant encounters,, where are all these decent guys...?

@Stepcount I have already said to him that I can't just be friends and I need more, even if it's a really slow paced relationship. I just need that affection etc.

@Thisisworsethananticpated well, friends is a bit of a grey area it seems. But we go on dates, hold hands, he tells me how much he's excited to see me when we have things planned etc. There's just no physical stuff other than holding hands and hugging... which is SO hard for me.

Thank you for the replies. I do think putting a time limit on is sensible, but it's a really hard thing to do, especially as next month is some key dates/anniversaries that I expect is going to be very difficult for him.

30somethingandstillsingle

so no sex ever ?
gosh you are a stronger and more patient woman than I am

that’s does mean it’s a bloody big deal for you lovely , a young woman in her prime ?

@Thisisworsethananticpated you sound in a really good place! Is it cos you feel he has feelings for you? When the security’s there our issues go hey 🥰 glad you didn’t get yourself all fraught yesterday too and had a lovely day x

Hi @Signoramarella . i don’t use apps at all, refuse as personally I found them horrendous. I mainly meet men just being out and about! You do have to get out there and just chat to people randomly. That’s been my method since I ditched the crApps a year ago! Feel so much better without those.

I have at least 3 single friends who also refuse to go on the shitty apps anymore. There must be guys out there feeling and acting the same. All about the RL !! 🙂

@Thisisworsethananticpated we have had sex and been intimate previously.
I did ask him if fwb is what he wanted and he said no. I guess it's early days of our 'friendship' and he did say he realises that we can't do friends forever... but it makes me feel unwanted and a bit shitty if I'm honest.

ButterflyOfShay
i wouldn’t go that far 😂 ‘really good place’

I do have a tendency to Message back
other guys when I feel slightly neglected

even though other people can go quiet on me and I don’t mind so much , so why him

which isn’t healthy and doesn’t sit with me

but I keep doing it

so it’s work in progress

but I hate Mondays

dislike …
manage the strong reactions !

ButterflyOfShay

re the apps
tinder was … well it was eye opening
and certainly an experience with some … negatives- as other people here shared

so when I went back in Jan I wrote a very honest profile
it was funny but I did kind of show my personality and challenges
anything that could pop up as an issue got noted !

swear to god I got less but mainly so much nicer chaps and less weirdness

but maybe I was lucky ?

What dating sites would you all recommend? I've had my fill of twats and sad dick pics. ....

30somethingandstillsingle

this is very hard for you
no one would blame you of said ‘this friends malarkey isn’t working for me actually’

your feelings matter x