Dating thread 230: Summer shenanigans!

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

ibelieveinmirrorballs

same
i think because I’ve been in the sen and mental health system for so long I’ve learnt a lot along the way
and yes it’s terrible for kids to stay in a toxic marriage home situation
but , it’s equally terrible to lose access to a parent who LOVES them

we know that even kids in foster care still suffer immensely when the parent loved them but was incapable of caring for them

so yeah of course I want to get rid of the kids for 6 weeks 😂
but I can see that seeing their dad is also very good for them as they get that love and attention elsewhere

Eesha
well she can’t do that
she can’t !!
Mr Blue needs to do some reading and get some decent legal advice

and sadly not from you

Sometimes I look at Balkan and think what possessed you marry and have kids with Such a horrible woman with such poor decision making and such a toxic family

then I recall my ex ……..

and shut my mouth !!! 😁

Well yes - except that’s a false binary she’s created to cause panic in him in a pathetic attempt to get what she wants.

Really hope the meet goes well today @Eesha - he sounds lovely. As you predicted right from the start, this had potential to be complicated. I’m keen to have a chat with MrNice asap because he’s very keen but as you know, there’s his unusual living arrangement to consider too.

I’ve been pondering the exclusivity question in part because I know what I tend to do is accept what someone’s offering and convince myself I’m fine with it, selling myself short in the process. In a way, why should I go all-in with someone (amazing and fluttery as these early stage feelings are) when they have such a complex home situation? We will be restricted by it and I am unsure whether it’s wise to be 100% gung-ho when it categorically isn’t ideal. I also don’t want to be pressuring about it as it’s such early days it would be ridiculous. Maybe it’s better to slow things down and reduce the intensity while we get to know each other and see where we are in a few months… argh I just don’t know. Also battling internal shame in even wanting to articulate needs/wants around sex and openness - as though it’s incredibly selfish of me to even think about it.

Same same!

@Eesha …guess for me, we are just at the early happy stages (not DTD but it was on the cards)
huh? You have DTD if I remember well?? I think he’s in a lot of trouble but we need to understand everyone is after divorce or separation etc. especially with kids in the mix. We just need to work at it and we all deserve a chance at love whatever our circumstances with our ex husband/wife.
Is he moving to his new flat next month? You said he bought a new flat and was refurbishing?? If he moves to his new home and gets comfortable …that marriage is totally dead. That’s my opinion

Cracked up loudly at this post @WeWantTheFinestWines 😂😂 good to see you lady! X

Aah @Eesha and @SortingItOut very best of luck for your difficult chats today 💗💗

@WeWantTheFinestWines sorry to hear about Mr Lawyer. What a twonk he is for ghosting you.❤️

I’m slowly getting better. I had a bad week last week. My mum got covid and it shook me up a little bit. I ended up calling the Samaritans twice, I felt a bit bad for wasting their time when they are people worse off than me.

hopefully I’ll be able to date again soon, Mum wants me to, and she’s suggested I go to a singles night, but I just don’t feel like I’m in the right mindset at the moment.

good luck to everyone having dates this week ❤️

And joining @ButterflyOfShay in wishing the best of luck to @Eesha and @SortingItOut for their big chats this week ❤️

Hey all, thanks for all your advice. We met, lots of tears on both sides but it's over sadly. He's basically going to go to counselling with his wife to get back on track but mainly because otherwise she will move away. So he's hoping to stave this off. If she moves, he will move near her. He knows it's a huge mistake and told me he was just starting to feel happy again. But he feels he has no choice.

Eesha
im sorry 😞
but your sanity is too important and you are too important to get tangled in this toxic mess

and toxic it is

still hurts though I bet xxxx

It’s frustrating he can’t asset himself. , but good you are not getting further given this lack of backbone

and maybe there is more than he has told you
who knows x

ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers

well done for getting help . I have these dips and seek help also .
and im sorry too
i can imagine your mum getting covid was scary

how’s the fibro?

@Thisisworsethananticpatedthank you si
much for your message 💋 im so sorry to hear that. ❤️ It’s horrible when these things happen, but it really helps me to talk and get things out. 😘

the fibro hasn’t been bad, surprisingly. I’m spending a lot of time sitting out, which helps air my legs out a little, which really helps.

Mum is a lot better now, which has helped as well. 😘

*so much, damn fat fingers!

@Eesha if that is his response it us absolutely the right thing for you to move away from it completely.

It is so naive and frustrating for him/them to be behaving in this way if what he’s said is true - him feeling previously abused by her and then taking as fact her right/ability to move away - to think that this is a relationship that is good for them to resuscitate, and on that basis, is insane.

Be kind to yourself today, you’ve done all the right things including taking it slowly physically whilst things were so up in the air. I hope you’re okay x

@Eesha I’m sorry to hear about you and Mr Blue. It’s a shame that it had to end like this, but if he doesn’t feel he can do anything, then something has got to give. I think you’ve done all you can ❤️

@Eesha You know my thoughts already but also wanted to say publically that I think you've handled this all with so much decorum and grace and you've kept your boundaries.

I love this thread for showing us all how we've grown and how good communication, being adults and stating needs and boundaries works in real life.

@ButterflyOfShay @ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers Thanks for thinking of me today, my chat is not until this evening once Mr K has dropped his son home.

No idea how it will go, but just having the chance to chat it all through will be good. (All being how we were pretty much fine one moment and split up the next). I recognise how it could have gone better snd I hope Mr K has also done some reflection.

@SortingItOut you’re very welcome. I’m keeping everything crossed for you ❤️😘

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I do think taking me out of the equation, he thinks he needs to show her he's trying so they are going back to counselling. He told me he could never shake off that feeling of being second best anyway after her affair but she wants to make amends. I'm sad but he was sad too, no doubt about that. We both cried a lot but ultimately such is life. I'll be fine though, it's been a positive year for me through overcoming some personal hurdles plus work so I'm just trying not to get sad.

@Mila14 nope, didn't DTD but we were due to go away and this was on the cards. Glad we took it slowly as would have hurt more otherwise

@Eesha sorry to read it, but its good you listened to your instincts as there were warning bells. Hopefully you and he can stay in touch? Sounded like right person wrong time x

@ButterflyOfShay yes I don't think we will speak but we have a date in the diary for a year's time to catch up! I genuinely hope things work out for them as they have a beautiful family and life. I guess I'm just sad that it feels like I'm expendable

@Eesha… I’m glad you didn’t DTD. It’s a loss but you have gone slow and somehow got protected from investing too much.
Theres a reason I don’t want to date anyone who’s still cohabiting if I don’t see a real plan to move out. Kids are a huge tie and men rarely want to leave unless they fall madly in love or the wife wants to divorce. Very very few people divorce because both parties agree.
@SortingItOut best of luck with your chat later. It’s good to clarify things
@ICrunchCrispsNotNumbers … take your time and prioritise your health , mental and otherwise. I remember you are quite young 🙂.
@ibelieveinmirrorballs … you are a very wise lady. We hear you ! I see you need a talk with Mr Nice
@Thisisworsethananticpated , I hope you are taking nice ME TIME and enjoying kids free time and TLC from Balkan
My MrWall has gone quiet after a lot of soul searching I didn’t ask for!. He was worried about whether I’d like him in real life and all sorts of stuff. I think he worries too much about everything and is still terrified of meeting anyone. He’s been in the cave for too long . I’m not banking on him dating to meet in real life to be honest so I have gone quiet too 🙂

@Mila14 thank you for your message. ❤️ I’m in my late twenties (29) so still quite young, I suppose. I just panic sometimes about being on my own forever. I’m going back to college to redo my CIPD level 5 in September, so that’s something to focus on 😘

hope you can get things sorted with Mr W! 🙂