Dating thread 230: Summer shenanigans!

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Let’s put it this way: she loves the idea of being picked up and pushed against a wall. Now, I go to the gym so can just about do this. But it surprised her that I could. And it would look and feel a hell of a lot more natural if I was built like a rugby player and not John Simm or Mackenzie Crook!

I think fancy each other enough is not enough. You have reservations and I think they are right. In the end we want to fancy someone massively. Not just enough. But I might be totally wrong on this. I think you will know what to do and when and are aware of the issues that might arise down the lane. If you are both falling in love I think you can succeed long term so disregard my comments where I am wrong please. I just can’t fall in love not fancying someone massively and having the sex I want. But maybe you two can. I’m not ready to settle or compromise on that yet

@ButterfliesAWOL , I hear you.
ms H has been independent for many years, just her and her DD, and I’m quite active and love doing and helping, it used to takes all my will power to not just jump in and do stuff or just take over, ( which is default mode) she used to get quite annoyed about that..
as for the bedroom, you don’t need to need to be physically big, used your voice and presence and instruction

@SortingItOut nothing helpful to say just wanted to send you good wishes and hugs… hope he does reach out.. sounds like he’s just being a guy and burying his head, does absolutely nothing to help you though. Hope you’re ok sweet 💗💗 xx

@SortingItOut sending you lots of love and hugs. I think Mr K is being a bit unfair on you. All this ‘thinking’ time is a bit unnecessary in my opinion. He shouldn’t be leaving you hanging like this. Hope you’re feeling a bit better ❤️

@ButterfliesAWOL it all sounds pretty good to me! I think it sounds more like your insecurities about not being enough over the long term rather than any indication from MsP that there are issues. Romance and connection are great. Lots of similarities between your situation and how I feel physically with MrNice and without saying too much about my own predilections it could be more that she wants you to be verbally assertive as much as anything necessarily overtly physical. A perfectly uttered sentence can make one go quite weak at the knees, you know…. 😬

I’m going quite weak at the knees at thoughts of MrNice at the moment… it’s a bizarrely retro romantic courtship yet with strong mutually reciprocated feelings. Got home from work to another letter sent yesterday by him with thoughts after our third meet earlier this week. It feels like we are properly getting to know each other whilst trying to keep feet on the ground and be rational and calm. I’m mindful of his living situation and that we haven’t discussed exclusivity/etc yet which I’m keen to do (and am wary of falling into the “this is FIIIINE” trap even if it starts not being fine eg us not being able to meet up often). I’m not sure but I might want a ‘monogamish’ set up and we need to discuss all that.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs … your mr Nice is wonderful and romantic. Enjoy massively . There’s time to discuss when you next meet whatever works for you both 😉😘

Gosh it’s been an active week for most
summer lovin !

my only news is me and my exclusive FWB arrangement have hit the 6 month mark
which is a miracle given my anxious attachment style and his profound attachment to his man cave

and whilst not 100% teetotal I’m either not drinking or having one drink a day
I’ve got a very stressful custody related trip this week so I’ll see if this helps with my anxiety

ibelieveinmirrorballs

id say exclusivity is implicit with mr sonnet (sorry I’ve renamed him !)
I think us hardened daters want to ask
but I’d suspect he’s be very surprised if you asked !

Mila14

when you think you will get a chance to meet
either way he’s enlivening your holiday !

@Thisisworsethananticpated That's a great post, I'm glad you've recognised that alcohol can be detrimental.
You'll get through this custody related trip without alcohol, lots of positive thinking and the outcome will be that you get quite a few weeks to be you and not mum and all the stress that comes with that.

Have you got plans while the kids are away?

ButterfliesAWOL

im not 100% clear on your worry here
could this be a bit of overthinking ?
if you like her and think she likes you (which appears to be the case )
can you take one day at a time ?

how much of this is your insecurity ?

SortingItOut

well my mama is having major surgery
again 🙈
so it’s good I can focus on her with kids away
and bless her she is paying for a deluxe care home so I don’t have to look after her x

but I do have a girls holiday
and I’ll see friends a bit more
and Balkan
bit I’m not going to massively change how we hang out and interact

The problem with a school refuser is they are always here
10000%

so just to wake up and not feel worried about a sad (rather smelly !) teen in his hot room all alone

I can’t tell you ….

Yesterday improved and there was much less crying in the afternoon, god I hate emotions!!

Mr K didn't message so I messaged this morning, he wants to have a chat on Sunday evening.

I'm annoyed he didn't message to say this and it was left to me to message but being pedantic he did say he'd message later in the week and technically Sat and Sun are still later🙄

I don't think it bodes well for openness and making me feel wanted...

I don't really feel much about it, I thought I'd be excited but actually I'm not too fussed now. I've had a week to get used to not having him.
I've got my questions ready if he says he thinks we can try again and until I know those answers I don't know if I want us to restart. There is a lot of discussion needed. And of course he might just want to talk things through and not get back together.

Yesterday improved and there was much less crying in the afternoon, god I hate emotions!!

Mr K didn't message so I messaged this morning, he wants to have a chat on Sunday evening.

I'm annoyed he didn't message to say this and it was left to me to message but being pedantic he did say he'd message later in the week and technically Sat and Sun are still later🙄

I don't think it bodes well for openness and making me feel wanted...

I don't really feel much about it, I thought I'd be excited but actually I'm not too fussed now. I've had a week to get used to not having him.
I've got my questions ready if he says he thinks we can try again and until I know those answers I don't know if I want us to restart. There is a lot of discussion needed. And of course he might just want to talk things through and not get back together.

@Thisisworsethananticpated Your plans sound great (not your mums surgery but how great she has booked into a nice care home).

I can't imagine how tough it is to worry about your kids constantly, you definitely need and deserve this time away from them.

I've had a week to get used to not having him

thats the spirit

its very trite but a ‘what will be , will be’ approach can help
you are just both messed up humans like we all are

it doesn’t have legs
youll survive x

@Thisisworsethananticpated I've always followed that mantra and will continue to do so.

I'm particularly proud that I have been adult enough to message him and let him know how I feel and that I wanted to meet (last Friday and Monday) and messaged again today.
The old me (before therapy) would have thrown her toys out of the pram, blocked him, seethed over him and generally been child like.

We've both had shit relationships/marriages before but we can learn from it. Even if we don't get back together I hope our chat is fruitful and will put us in good stead for the future and any relationships.

SortingItOut

exactly
and also learning what didn’t work for you ….
and what did work and you’d like to have in your next relationship

I’ve been on this thread a year now and I’ve recalled some earlier posts from you expressing some discontent

the wonderful thing about approaching this post therapy and a bit older and wiser is we can be more savvy and contemplative

and a broken heart 💔 hurts too
let’s not pretend otherwise

@Thisisworsethananticpated There has been some discontentment in the past and the same issues rear their head - almost always around ovulation time which makes me overthink, jump to conclusions and act irrationally.
I need to manage this better, I will still raise issues but maybe I'll sit with my thoughts and feelings for a few days before I discuss things.

The older I get (and of course post therapy) the more I know what I want and that my life is fulfilled without a man in it.
Joining these new women's groups has been good and I'm so pleased I discovered them.

Doesn't heartbreak hurt? I've not eaten properly for a week,I just don't feel hungry and if I do try to eat a meal I end up feeling sick and generally bleugh. I'm living on orange juice, apples and toast. It's not good for me or healthy so I need to snap out of it.

I know I know… but I did meet him on Feeld, and he’s a bit more mischievous than all his letter writing might suggest. BUT - we do need to have the chat. He’s at a festival this weekend and left me a voice note last night referring to me as his girlfriend (albeit I suspect at least slightly under the influence). I’m going to suggest a chat when he gets home.

This must be such a massive ongoing pressure for you. I’m so glad you’re getting a few weeks respite.

ibelieveinmirrorballs

GIRLFRIEND !!!! 😂🥰🥰🥰🥰

SortingItOut
youll be ok lovely x chuck in a few hard boiled eggs for protein
the heartbreak diet 😭