Dating thread 230: Summer shenanigans!

[ButterflyOfShay]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

My new POF profile isn’t really getting me far but Tinder has given me several matches and I’m messaging a 2 people, one is looking for FWB and is pretty local, the other wants to marry me as we have so much in common (pretty sure he was joking).

I have a date with Mr Peachy on Sunday, he lives quite far away so we are meeting half way, now I have other possible irons I’m feeling less keen about meeting him as he lives so far away and is much older than me 😬.

@ButterflyOfShay Nothing from him yet...Thursday and Fridays are nights he doesn't have his son.......

I messaged him about something connected to his hobby tonight and all I got back was Thank you🙄
No mention of meeting at all. I guess he might be busy tonight.

I've been feeling teary today, I think last night started it off as it was very deep mindfulness session and then it's continued today.

So true, OLD is full.of creeps! I'm a year in and just on the tipping point of giving up. Made some nice friends, some with benefits. But takes sooo much energy to date, at all. I'm thinking I just can't be arsed. Unless they give me the fanny gallops...(....)). I'm not interested! Mr farmer has cooled off.... 2nd date coming up.but am so not bothered

All sounds exciting! I can’t believe I’m looking at having to go back on the site after 6yrs. Can any of you lively little help me with what you’ve put on your profiles? I don’t now where to start?!

Lovely ladies ..typo sorry!

@SortingItOut I’m sorry to read that you are feeling teary, that’s not good. I think in these situations feelings can surface that are not always linked to the current person but echoes of previous hurt or tough times. You’re always really good at being straight and supportive with people on here and sometimes highlighting things that are tough to acknowledge. I don’t obviously know Mr K like you do but his actions are beginning to feel a bit manipulative to me. Telling you he needs time to think is one thing but in my mind the longer this goes on the greater the hurt he’s causing you. You didn’t do anything wrong- you saw him at an event ( someone you have been dating for nearly 3 years)- and he didn’t acknowledge you. I think you are being extremely accommodating by waiting for him to be ready to speak- but why does he hold the power ? I would ask when he’s next free and ask to meet. If he doesn’t know after 3 yrs with you what his feelings are I’m not sure what difference a few more days would make. I hope none of what I have said sounds harsh. It’s not intended that way. I just don’t like to think of you feeling so low about this.

@SortingItOut I'm sure you've already thought about this, but maybe you should also line up a couple of sessions with your therapist so that you can think through whatever the next few days throw at you.

Also, and this might be overkill, but have you put couples counselling on your list of questions / suggestions for MrK? If you're both trying to think through these big life changes about where and how you should be spending time together, the impact on his DS and your boundaries around that, some objective help of someone who's 'seen it all before' could be really helpful?

@Stepcount Thank you for commenting.
It's just semantics but it was me that didn't approach Mr K at the music event, he didn't even see me, my issue was that he didn't message when he knew he wasn't going with his son and suggest meeting up.

I think it's part manipulation/part cowardice/part that he's still thinking.
He's not a person to rush a decision.

I agree that the mindfulness evening and the sad feeling was related to previous things, we did a lot of writing and then burning of those papers so I did think about my crap marriage alot which is always hard for me.

I wish I was at work today as I wouldn't have time to think. Part of me thinks I should message today and ask to meet again (even though it was me who reached out before) and part of me thinks I should leave it until tomorrow morning as he said he'd message later in the week and Friday is still later.
He does have all the control currently and I hate it but I need to hope he sticks to his word.

@BelladiMamma I haven't added couples counselling to the list but I will do so although Mr K doesn't believe in counselling 🙄
I'd really like to see my therapist but things are very tight this month as my dog has been poorly and has cost quite a lot and also I had work done in the garden to make it secure for the dogs which was also quite expensive (done and paid before the dog got ill).
I'll try to book in to see her on payday.

SortingItOut
im sorry your hurting right now x
Keep trucking and keep writing things

it does feel annoyingly like he holds all the cards right now
that would piss me off too

@SortingItOut sounds like a familiar situation I had last year. Sounds like you're in love with him . Your are his behest. Yet he...doesn't have his priority set at you. I recognise both of these view points. The more you chase the further they recoil. I've been guilty of this too. Been the chaser ( it's demeaning) and the chased ( can be suffocating). Sending you wishes of happiness and support. ..

@SortingItOut I hope you get some resolution soon; this sounds agonising. I worry that this episode, even if you were to resolve it positively in terms of reconciliation - with a man who does not believe in counselling - would have the net effect of making it harder for you to feel confident articulating your needs.

You did not approach Mr K at the event but told him you were upset he didn’t try to see you as he had free time. Even if it was completely unreasonable of you to say this, in the context of you rarely making any demand on him whatsoever, this is not grounds to split up and be held at arms length while he “thinks” for a week.

I think joint counselling would almost be essential in order to be able to understand and evolve jointly forwards, and I would find it hard not to feel as though somehow my voice had been made smaller without it.

The beachside meditation/cleansing ceremony sounds powerful and very timely. I can well imagine that, followed by these events, would make you feel quite raw and vulnerable.. take care of yourself this weekend.

@SortingItOut you’ve had a difficult time with a number of things, no wonder your emotions are close to the surface. In terms of contacting Mr K you should do what feels right for you but to contradict myself from last night’s post, I would see what his next move is.If you don’t see him today is that it then until at least Sunday evening/Monday before he is potentially free again? Do you have things to distract and keep you busy until then? I’m a bit out on the timeline but Monday would then be 2 weeks since the ‘split’ chat happened ? If it’s 2 weeks I would be expecting something from him.
I would do something today and over the weekend that you know helps you when you are feeling below par. Keep busy and remind yourself of all the things you have in your life that you are thankful for. I’m thankful for your existence in my life, in the anonymous and abstract way that you are part of it. Great advice, kind, supportive and honest with me and everyone on here. This thread and posters on it have made a difference to me many times .

Thanks everyone for your comments, I'm really struggling this morning and keep crying.
I think it's a mixture of the mindfulness raking things from the past up, that I'm not at work so time to think and also that I was so hoping he would message last night to meet and he didn't and I'm accepting that it's truly over.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I've always articulated my needs to Mr K even though I know his likely reaction which is defensiveness, it doesn't make me stop. I had this in my marriage and allowed stonewalling to happen and I kept my feelings to myself and I vowed not to do it again.
I don't know that Mr K reacts like this to stop me bringing things up but because he can't do deep conversations or be vulnerable so his natural reaction is to get defensive.

My instagram has been full of posts this week about emotional unavailability and man- child and it is all Mr K. I know I'm the issue as I'm emotionally unavailable and I picked him, probably because it felt safe not to have to be open about my feelings and we could keep each other at arms length but of course that does mean we struggle to have these deep conversations.

@Stepcount If I don't see him today his next free evening won't be until Tuesday, at a push he could do later evenings on Sunday or Monday but it would depend what time his son goes home.

The break up happened last Thursday evening so we're only a week in, it was last Monday that I told him how hurt I was and things were slightly tense between us until we had time to meet on Thursday.
I feel I need to message tomorrow morning if he doesn't message tonight just so I can have some closure on it, I'd like to know if he's still thinking or whether he knows he doesn't want to meet. If he says he's still thinking I'll leave him to it and won't message again and accept its over.
If he contacts me later on down the line I'll see where I'm at before I agree to anything because there are other issues just not around the future and his communication skills but also availability - our free time does not always align which can make seeing each other much hard some weeks.

I've got a few things on over the next few days to keep me busy including a night out with my best friend on Saturday night, I plan to drink away the sadness😂
Then Monday is my sons graduation,only 2 years late, will be a great day but must get the tissues ready.

Thanks for your kind words. I have a busy and fulfilled life and I'm so glad I got out of my terrible marriage and have built my life up again.

Hello everyone …@SortingItOut I hope you get stronger and find a way to deal with this loss. If MrKay was totally invested like you are , he would want to tend olive branch. It can’t always be you clutching at straws and trying to make all work
Everyone is giving you super good advise here. We are lucky to have great women ( and men) in this thread
@Signoramarella just can't be arsed. Unless they give me the fanny gallops...(....)). I'm not interested!
i totally agree and I’m on this thinking too. Saying that… I’m still texting crazy with mr Wall. It’s hard work to bring defenses down but everything is more fluent and yes there’s “galloping” on both sides. I haven’t felt this in 6 years but I’m totally ok. If it happens when we finally meet great
i don’t like anyone else and don’t feel like collecting any more irons. Go with the flow!

Hi all. Quick update.
have binned off both the doctor/academic and miss stroppy. First was due to what I think would probably end up being differences in opinion on too many things, and the second because, well, who wants that level of slightly niggly digs all the time.

I think I’m realising my requirements for dating are that it’s quite slow, quite light to start with, see what develops. I’m busy, happy with my life hobbies (surprisingly for a middle aged man, not cycling!) and friends. I have time for dates but I get the feeling from a few chats that this is seen as “messing around” or “wanting casual”. A couple of people have pretty much said they want a full on relationship as soon as possible and they have no time for men who “don’t want to date”. I do want to, but it needs to suit me too!

@SortingItOut not got anything to add to the much better advice and comments from others but hope you’re doing ok

@FloydPepper sounds like a good decision on both fronts. This should all feel like a bonus on top of where we are now, not something which is a potential headache from the get to.

@Mila14 sounds promising - do you have plans to meet when back from hols?

My manic week is finally at an end with the finale having been a black tie do last night and clattering around looking for a cab early doors. I am completely and utterly exhausted 😩 On the train home now but have a couple of meetings when back and then that’s me DONE.

@SortingItOut i didn’t mean to suggest that MrK was intentionally trying to make your voice smaller, more than it could just end up being a byproduct of this kind of fallout.. it doesn’t feel easier to raise next time, no matter what his conscious motive. Hope you’re okay.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs … have a very deserved rest.. yes Mr Wall and I are meeting after holidays and chatting and getting excited like teenagers in the meantime… while holidaying with teenagers in 2 different nice places 🙄😝

@FloydPepper … agree with @ibelieveinmirrorballs … we want something that adds up to our lives nicely…not conflict or difficulty

Thx
i think my threshold for “too much effort” might be a bit low at the moment. Not necessarily a bad thing…

Good stuff @FloydPepper

today has been particularly shit for different reasons but just reading this made me spit my tea over my laptop - that’s really made my day

just can't be arsed. Unless they give me the fanny gallops...

@SortingItOut hope your doing okay

@FloydPepper good work, I’m going to whisper the next sentence, but cycling is fun, I’m a middle age man with a fat tyre ebike, and it’s an absolute fucking hoot and half, the most fun you can have with your clothes on. ( or off 🤔)

@FloydPepper Good call - especially about Ms Stroppy. Think she’ll have trouble finding anyone from what you’ve said (at least anyone mentally healthy!)

I’ve had similar experience with dates rushing in when I’ve wanted to take it at an easier pace. Myself and Ms P are just about now finding a good balance, but it’s taken over a month to get here.

On the subject of myself and Ms P, on the emotional front it’s getting better and better. Think we can read each other better now. Feelings definitely getting deeper - she struggles to tell me, but I now know when she’s getting mushy because she suddenly gets really shy, which is unlike her.

That said, I honestly don’t know if we’re compatible enough to go long-term. Emotionally, I’m really falling for her. And we get in very very well. But it’s become clear she has the whole “strong independent woman in life and career who wants to give over control in the boudoir” thing going on. Ties into “Lust Guy” I guess - she actually likes a man to take charge and be quite forceful. I’m… not. I grew up with a feminist mother, so struggle to be Neanderthal in nature. Plus I’m slightly built, so pretending to be done overpowering presence just seems daft, especially as she’s quite sporty herself.

Not that she wants an overconfident self-proclaimed “alpha”. But I think there’s enough decent guys out there, without maybe my hang-ups and/or a more imposing build and/or would be quite used to just taking charge, that maybe once the honeymoon hormones have worn off, will be much more suitable.

Think the question I have to ask is how much longer I let things continue if this is the case, given our feelings are deepening every time we meet. Maybe to early right now, but also may want to not leave things too long in case it only hurts more.

@ButterfliesAWOL … I get Mrs P…to me, she’s still in love with his last boyfriend. I hope I am wrong but massive lust guy is just too recent… I’ve been in her position too …maybe with time she will fall in love with you but don’t get hurt. Disregard this post totally if you think I’m saying nonsense though

@Mila14 I’d say love likely isn’t the issue, strangely enough. She’s already intimated she’s falling in love with me - before I’ve even hinted I’m feeling likewise. She also says whilst her ex was exciting initially (from what I now guess is the fact he was very much a dominant personality, being very tactile straight from the off) that lost its sparkle quickly and she ended up not connecting with him at all and - reading between the lines - being put off by his ego. Like I said, it isn’t that she wants an “alpha male” being dominant in all aspects of her life. Just in the bedroom.

Me and her, I feel, have the opposite problem. The “romance” side is great. Intimacy-wise it’s only getting deeper and better. And we “fancy” each other enough. It’s more whether long-term we’ll give each other what each one wants physically. At the moment, feeling all the lovey-dovey hormones, we can overlook it or give it a pass. But when those start to fade I feel it might become more of an issue.