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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband upset me but was probably justified

154 replies

Rosebel · 14/06/2022 22:43

He's pissing me off so much!
DH does have a slight hearing loss but asked me 3 times tonight where the hayfever medicine was. First 2 times he didn't hear me so I raised my voice the 3rd time.
He then nags me about putting it somewhere different. Well I had taken it out of the medicine cabinet because this morning he couldn't find it so I put it on the side so he could find it easily (but of course I was wrong to do that).
DH decides he's going to bed and asked if I was too. I said yes and asked him to turn the TV off, as he was stood right next to it. He didn't hear me so I admit I probably did shout at him asking him to turn off the TV.
He went fucking mental, threatened to throw his bottle at my head as I was really pissing him off and screamed in my face saying over and over not fucking nice is it?
I said to him I was sorry for shouting but it's annoying saying things multiple times
He huffed off to bed
I'm exhausted (been up since 4 with our toddler) and due I'm work early tomorrow but I don't want to go to bed because my husband really upset me. I got no apology for being screamed at or threatened.
I know I started it by shouting first but I'm so upset that he can react like that and 15 minutes later is snoring so loudly can hear him down here.
Am I just being stupid to feel so upset? He was probably justified in his reaction and I can't see it as I'm dead tired. Won't be able to sleep though and have to be up at 2 anyway.

OP posts:
Isaidnoalready · 14/06/2022 22:47

He sounds vile are you seriously raising a child with him?

Does he wear hearing aids? Or is he just part deaf and you need to deal with it

purpleme12 · 14/06/2022 22:47

You were both in the wrong.
Him probably more than you but still

Mwnci123 · 14/06/2022 22:52

He went way too far screaming in your face and threatening to throw a bottle at you. It is messed up that she is snoring away after all that went down.

You were being a dick about his hearing, obviously, which in no one justifies his behaviour.

You need to sort this shit-show out for yourselves and for your child.

dizzydizzydizzy · 14/06/2022 22:53

So you raised your voice and he screamed obscenities in your face. Is this a one off or does it happen often? If the former, I would say he was having a bad day and if you discuss it tomorrow he will apologize for his unreasonableness. If the latter, talk to your GP or Wonen's Aid because it could be domestic abuse.

Robertplantgoddess · 14/06/2022 22:53

Partly deaf here. Hes reacting to his own anger at his body failing him. Doesnt make it ok but its not aimed at you ultimately. Was in work today and answered my scrambled egg was lovely. My colleague said - that's great - i asked you about tomorrow. Frustrating for everyone but mostly i want to hear whats going on.
Yeah its shit he acted like an arsehole. But if he's normally not. Don't take any more from it than an arsehole moment and bring it up when appropriate for you

Original poster
Rosebel · 14/06/2022 23:07

He won't apologise, he'll either say it was my fault or that I'm being too sensitive. But you're all right I did cause the argument by shouting first.
I suppose it could be anger about not being able to hear. He has a hearing aid but doesn't wear it.

OP posts:
dizzydizzydizzy · 14/06/2022 23:15

I think you're being very hard on yourself. Shouting in your face is awful.

Nannyamc · 14/06/2022 23:18

Sleep on the sofa

Robertplantgoddess · 14/06/2022 23:19

Yeah if he has an aid but wont use it then it's not a new thing. Still crap being shouted at by you but that doesnt excuse his response. And obviously you are naccered
Its a toxic mix at the mo. Another day it could have panned out differently but today sounds shite tbh xx

HeArInGhandsgirl11 · 14/06/2022 23:23

Having hearing loss can be very isolating and frustrating. I think you should be more considerate...

However his behaviour is totally unacceptable.

MiniTheMinx · 14/06/2022 23:26

Nothing you did could justify someone threatening to throw a bottle at you.

MontanaMountains · 14/06/2022 23:33

Of course he wasn't justified in threatening you with a bottle! Jesus, what's going on with MN? So many threads where men are aggressive and violent, and the women says "It's probably my fault"! Nobody should live like this, and no child should be exposed to this.

Original poster
Rosebel · 14/06/2022 23:37

But if he feels isolated I don't understand why he doesn't use his hearing aid? Not making excuses though I guess I was in the wrong and will just have to be more patient if he doesn't hear me (it's not as if he can help being partially deaf).
Tbh I'm thinking about it now and wonder why the fuck I raised my voice in the first place. Shouting was never going to help.
I'll apologise properly tomorrow. Thanks for the replies.

OP posts:
Krispybacon · 14/06/2022 23:45

I'm sorry that happened to you. But when you shouted at him over the TV incident did you threaten him during that, what was said? You could have said something equally as or more horrific for all I know. I wont give my opinion unless I have all the information.

Howappropriate · 14/06/2022 23:48

Don't apologise! He crossed a line threatening violence! We've all raised our voices during annoying conversations when one person is in another room, isn't paying full attention.
Change your strategy until he wears his fucking hearing aid. Go up and speak to him, not holler from room to room. That's my advice. Not wearing hearing aid would solve this problem but sounds like he doesn't want to and you can't force him.

Original poster
Rosebel · 14/06/2022 23:53

My exact words were"I said can you turn the TV off. "That's why his reaction shocked me. I'm not even sure I shouted although I raised my voice for certain.
I don't know perhaps I'm just too tired to think straight.

OP posts:
Motheranddaughtertotwo · 14/06/2022 23:55

He threatened to throw a bottle at you? Does he do that often? He sounds horrible!

HangingOver · 14/06/2022 23:59

If someone screamed in my face and threatened to throw a bottle at me I'd leave them

frazzledasarock · 15/06/2022 00:18

Well if he has hearing loss, refuses to wear a hearing aid. What exactly are you meant to do when communicating with him but raise your voice so he can hear you?

his screaming in your face and threatening to physically assault you is no comparison.

what are you meant to do? Learn the art of psychic communication or more likely do everything yourself because he chooses not to use his hearing aid?

he sounds like an utter dick.

Daenerys77 · 15/06/2022 00:22

HangingOver · 14/06/2022 23:59

If someone screamed in my face and threatened to throw a bottle at me I'd leave them

I'd leave him for not using his hearing aid.

purpleme12 · 15/06/2022 00:23

While I am not in any condoning his behaviour towards OP,

We don't know his reasons for not wearing his hearing aid so can't judge really.
Also, raising your voice is very different to shouting. Shouting is very aggressive and unfortunately people can shout rather than raise their voice and it does come across as aggressive and gets your back up.
And what are you meant to do?

  • say their name first so they know you're talking to them.
  • look at them and make sure they're looking at you so your voice is projected to them.
  • make sure you're near them
  • speak loudly (but not shouting) and clearly.
There's quite a lot you can do really
coffy11 · 15/06/2022 00:24

You did nothing wrong. Of course you're going to raise your voice if he can't hear you. It's his fault for not wearing the hearing aid. Completely unacceptable behaviour from him and he needs to apologise to you.

Clymene · 15/06/2022 05:39

Your husband is aggressive and violent and this is no way to bring up children. Do you have a friend you can talk to?

I can't believe people are saying he's justified. FFS

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/06/2022 05:52

I'll apologise properly tomorrow.

FFS don't. Bloody hell the man threatened you! And shouted in your face just to be aggressive. You raised your voice because he didn't hear you.

Leave. Please leave. One day that bottle will leave his hand and he will say he warned you. He's telling you who he is, a violent, abusive man.

Tickledtrout · 15/06/2022 06:25

Rosebel · 14/06/2022 23:37

But if he feels isolated I don't understand why he doesn't use his hearing aid? Not making excuses though I guess I was in the wrong and will just have to be more patient if he doesn't hear me (it's not as if he can help being partially deaf).
Tbh I'm thinking about it now and wonder why the fuck I raised my voice in the first place. Shouting was never going to help.
I'll apologise properly tomorrow. Thanks for the replies.

It's not up to you to apologise here OP. He's behaving selfishly and badly.
It's not your fault he has poor hearing and he should take responsibility for that - my DH has a similar loss and it makes casual family conversation really difficult if he won't wear an aid. He needs to take responsibility for his anger too. Not you