My husband upset me but was probably justified

[Rosebel]

He's pissing me off so much!
DH does have a slight hearing loss but asked me 3 times tonight where the hayfever medicine was. First 2 times he didn't hear me so I raised my voice the 3rd time.
He then nags me about putting it somewhere different. Well I had taken it out of the medicine cabinet because this morning he couldn't find it so I put it on the side so he could find it easily (but of course I was wrong to do that).
DH decides he's going to bed and asked if I was too. I said yes and asked him to turn the TV off, as he was stood right next to it. He didn't hear me so I admit I probably did shout at him asking him to turn off the TV.
He went fucking mental, threatened to throw his bottle at my head as I was really pissing him off and screamed in my face saying over and over not fucking nice is it?
I said to him I was sorry for shouting but it's annoying saying things multiple times
He huffed off to bed
I'm exhausted (been up since 4 with our toddler) and due I'm work early tomorrow but I don't want to go to bed because my husband really upset me. I got no apology for being screamed at or threatened.
I know I started it by shouting first but I'm so upset that he can react like that and 15 minutes later is snoring so loudly can hear him down here.
Am I just being stupid to feel so upset? He was probably justified in his reaction and I can't see it as I'm dead tired. Won't be able to sleep though and have to be up at 2 anyway.

He threatened you and screamed in your face any you know he will be unapologetic.
Is this the first time he has acted like this op ?

Yep.

Not your fault, he's an adult and should be able to control himself.

When I finally persuaded my dh to get hearing aids the specialist we saw told him lots of wives drag husbands in here it's better to wear the aid than get a divorce.
Not wearing the aid means he is tired and irritated and you are paying the price. I just repeat to my dh we argue when you don't wear it, please wear it.

He sounds very aggressive
Are you sure you’re safe in the house with him? I don’t think you should apologise to someone like that who doesn’t even wear a hearing aid when that would help- why doesn’t he wear one? He doesn’t sound like a good person for you to be around

You are not in the wrong!! I have a deaf exH and a deaf kid who are both aided and often don’t wear their aids. There are things you can do to improve communication.

1. Never try to communicate from a different room, they can’t hear you and you just end up yelling
2. Touch them on the arm or say their name to be sure they are focussing on you before communicating important things 3). Accept that they will not be able to hear you over background noise so turn the Tv down or off before you start to talk
3. Be willing to repeat yourself and if it’s important check they’ve heard properly, don’t assume

However in almost 20 years of living with deaf people they’ve often not heard me, I regularly repeat myself and often raise my voice to do so. They have never ever screamed back at me in anger or threatened me with bottles. We do our best to communicate not argue and hurt one another. I would find your OHs behaviour totally unreasonable!

I think his hearing is the least of your problems.

He threatened you with violence and shouted in your face.

Your annoyance at his lack of hearing is normal, his reaction was way way WAY out of proportion.

I said to him I was sorry for shouting but it's annoying saying things multiple times

You probably yelled at him in an exasperated or aggressive tone which upset him (as it sounds you’re pissed off you had to repeat yourself). It’s not his fault he’s hard of hearing. Without hearing the full exchange I would say you are both BU. I also think he needs to wear his hearing aid, but I’m unsure why you didn’t show him where you’d moved the meds and why you didn’t turn off the TV yourself.

Ffs why would you think that?

He didn't hear , so you raised your voice- how else would you make him hear? I don't understand how the ensuing row is then your fault. It isn't. And even if he thought your volume control was wrong, he still shouldn't threaten you.
You're clearly very distressed by what happened; but he isn't, he's asleep.
Personally I'd be making a noise and waking him up as you get ready for work, and then have a proper conversation with him later. If he can't hear, he needs to ask you politely to say it again louder.
Ask him what he would like you to do if he can't hear. And then tell him him threatening you is not acceptable to you, and is a potential deal breaker.

Even if she used an exasperated tone, threatening to bottle her is not ever an acceptable response.

Ever.

FFS can we stop with the apologies for male violence?

But you're all right I did cause the argument by shouting first.
Um ... you needed to shout, because he won't wear his hearing aid.
Reading between the lines, this isn't an amusing quirk ... it sounds almost like a weird dominance display. "I don't need to hear my wife".

I'll apologise properly tomorrow.
Why? You already have:
I said to him I was sorry for shouting but it's annoying saying things multiple times
He huffed off to bed

He won't apologise, he'll either say it was my fault or that I'm being too sensitive.
The fact that you know this already, & are looking to apologise AGAIN, just to keep the peace, speaks volumes about how he has been treating you long-term.

FFS he screamed in your face & threatened you!
How on earth is that ok?
How on earth can he justify not saying (let alone BEING) sorry?
How long have you lived with his temper, huffing & stonewalling?
Are you constantly walking on eggshells?

You don't need to apologise.
He's an adult. He can keep track of his medicine.

Amazing how men can scream, shout, stomp, throw things, threaten and they get a free pass.

But a woman raises her voice or shouts a little, it's the end of the world.

Well I for one am waiting with bated breath for your pronouncement @Krispybacon - I'm sure it will be measured, judicious, & not in the least pompous.

This.

He’s an abusive arsehole. Full stop.

Contact womens aid.

As she lives with a man with impaired hearing, I imagine OP already knows all this @purpleme12.

But congratulations on issuing behavioural instructions to a woman who has just been screamed at & threatened. Obviously it's down to her to manage her approach to her volatile H, not up to him to stop being an abusive twat.

And a Highly Commended for lecturing OP about aggression.
When he smashes the threatened bottle in her face, will you come back to tick her off for keeping her face within striking distance, because you "don't know the reasons for his bottle throwing, so can't judge really"?

@KettrickenSmiled my post was in response to @frazzledasarock post just above mine. You'll see that if you read as it addresses her points in her post above mine.
Neither have I lectured OP on her agression. I have said if someone shouts in response to someone not hearing it is aggressive. Again this was in response to the post by @frazzledasarock above mine. And again this could not be construed as a lecture.

It is very strange to question if I will come back saying we don't know the reasons for his bottle throwing. I have literally no reason to come back saying this. The reason I said we don't know the reason he doesn't wear hearing aids is because they don't work for everyone. I have no idea if his reasons are justified or not but can't judge as I don't have all the information.

I hope you're happy now you've had your needless dig at me.

It's immaterial who you were responding to @purpleme12

You read a post by a shaken-up woman, & your first instinct was to correct her behaviour, while carefully skating past his. Not sure why you are backtracking about your aggression lecture, as it's right there in your own words!
It's really, really, odd that you directed it at OP, rather than her screaming, bottle-threatening H.

He sounds like a very nasty piece of work. Its not down to you to apologise. Tell him to wear his hearing aid if he does not want you raising your voice.

It wasn't my first post
However that's absolutely fine if you want to think and respond this way I don't come here for arguments and I don't get into them.

OP, that is one very nasty piece of work you married.

He was very aggressive and he threatened you.

I would be very careful.
Make sure your contraception is bulletproof.

Do not have more children with this aggressive man.

Have you family?
Could you head off for a bit.

Please do not apologise to this pig.

He is not a good man.

I would not apologise to him. He chooses to not wear his hearing aid so he can’t get abusive when someone needs to raise their voice so he can hear them.
it sounds like the perfect excuse for him to be an abusive twat to you.

The threat of violence is unacceptable. Totally.

You do need to know that hearing aids don't always help - they can be physically uncomfortable/painful, they can amplify sounds you don't want, the feeling of having loud noise can be unpleasantly intense, they might not do as good a job as people assume they do and loud sounds such as shouting can be incredibly painful. It can be just as disorienting to have lots of sound as none at all. It's easy to assume that hearing aids fix everything - they don't, and can cause additional problems to boot.

DP would 'forget' I can't hear well on one side and mumble, turn away, cover his mouth and then says 'Oh, nothing, doesn't matter now'. When he's accused me of not listening to him because he's mumbled away in bed when I've got my back to him (so I can have an earphone in to block the constant ssssssssssssssssSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSsssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss), I've turned to lipread and hear him, then he's turned away or he's turned the light out before mumbling again, I'm been furious, turned all the lights on, sat bolt upright and said many times I CAN'T FUCKING HEAR YOU. I'm not eligible for a hearing aid. Mainly because the wait time for an audiology appointment is about four years. I might not be eligible by then, either. But deafness is a thing in the family, so I might get them in the end.

If the first I knew of a problem was him shouting at me, he'd be out of the door. Because that would feel like a physical attack. The closeness/in my face, the shock, the physical pain loud noises cause. But he's learned and now puts his hand on my arm and waits for me to turn so I can either hear him or, if there is background noise, lipread. He's also getting good at appearing five foot away (so I don't jump) and signing for Tea? Coffee? Rather than expecting me to hear him from the kitchen. At this rate, we'll be using at least some level of BSL by the time I'm 60. I'll need it, for a start, as there will come a point where I can't make a living with a phone handset turned to maximum (still unable to hear when there's background noise, though - hopefully I'll be able to cope until retirement or we're screwed).

You did nothing wrong- you weren't shouting at him to be nasty, you raised your voice to ask him to do something, as he hadn't heard you repeatedly all evening when you spoke at normal volume.

He was aggressive, intimidating, and threatening.

🏅🏅🏅🏆🏆🏆

This made me laugh. 😆

My husband wears hearing aids and he would say two things to yours. One, that you need to try different aids and settings until you get the right ones for you, and two, that you need to keep wearing them and get used to them in order to get the best use out of them.

He'd then add a bonus third for nothing and tell him to stop threatening his wife.

You don't have to put up with this OP. 💐