My husband upset me but was probably justified

[Rosebel]

He's pissing me off so much!
DH does have a slight hearing loss but asked me 3 times tonight where the hayfever medicine was. First 2 times he didn't hear me so I raised my voice the 3rd time.
He then nags me about putting it somewhere different. Well I had taken it out of the medicine cabinet because this morning he couldn't find it so I put it on the side so he could find it easily (but of course I was wrong to do that).
DH decides he's going to bed and asked if I was too. I said yes and asked him to turn the TV off, as he was stood right next to it. He didn't hear me so I admit I probably did shout at him asking him to turn off the TV.
He went fucking mental, threatened to throw his bottle at my head as I was really pissing him off and screamed in my face saying over and over not fucking nice is it?
I said to him I was sorry for shouting but it's annoying saying things multiple times
He huffed off to bed
I'm exhausted (been up since 4 with our toddler) and due I'm work early tomorrow but I don't want to go to bed because my husband really upset me. I got no apology for being screamed at or threatened.
I know I started it by shouting first but I'm so upset that he can react like that and 15 minutes later is snoring so loudly can hear him down here.
Am I just being stupid to feel so upset? He was probably justified in his reaction and I can't see it as I'm dead tired. Won't be able to sleep though and have to be up at 2 anyway.

OP please realise that you are not the problem here.

Yes, it seems like you raised your voice, maybe shouted at your DH. It’s not ideal, but assuming it was a one off incident you have already apologised much more than was necessary for doing that.

If you had yelled at the top of your voice that your DH was the son of a syphilitic
whore, and had a tiny cock, it would not have justified him threatening you with physical violence.

He is bullying you, and by constantly apologising you are possibly making him feel vindicated about his yelling and threats.

From the limited details included in your opening post it could be that he is looking for a reason to ‘correct’ you, and he will find one even if it exists only in his head. You seemed VERY sure that he wouldn’t apologise, so it’s obviously not the first time something like this has happened.

How long can you tread on eggshells before his threats turn into actions?
Please think about your safety, and that of your child.

How can you be with a man who threatens you and then expects you to apologise again to him?

@NeverDropYourMooncup
👏👏👏

Yes - DARVO - thank you, that's what I was thinking of. This 'Narcissist's Prayer' seems particularly appropriate - there are versions of it around but...

That didn't happen
And if it did, it wasn't that bad
And if it was, that's not a big deal
And if it is, that's not my fault
And if it was, I didn't mean it
And if I did,
You deserved it.....
I'm the victim here, not you.

Berating and shouting at a disabled person for their disability is a little worse than "not ideal".

I agree it does not in any way justify her DH's aggressive response. But can we please recognise that it's not OK to treat deaf people in this manner.

👏👏👏

Berating and shouting at a disabled person for their disability is a little worse than "not ideal".

Of course it isn't, & let's not lose sight of the fact that OP did NOT berate her H.

Most couples get to a point of raised voices now & then. "Not ideal" - yup.

There is only one spouse in this thread who berated the other, & that's the ranting screamer who threatened to bottle his wife. And is now DARVO'ing her, making her continually apologise for the scene that HE chose to cause, & refuses to apologise for himself.

It's textbook abuse.

Living with someone who has hearing loss, but won’t wear and aid is infuriating. Having to say everything at least twice is exhausting.

Why are people posting quotes that are massive blocks of text? It's spamming the thread, which is about help for a woman whose husband abused him, not hearing anecdotes.

*her

Hearing loss is a miserable thing that most people can’t begin to understand. I use hearing aids, two powerful ones. They help to some extent but don’t restore normal hearing, nothing like. They take a LOT of getting used to. They are not comfortable. Audiology departments are not good at help people with this. They tend to give you the aids and off you go.
I recommend that he goes back to audiology and asks for help with adapting to his. There’s a reason he isn’t wearing it.
I’m not excusing his aggressive, nasty behaviour for a moment, but it probably does at least partly stem from the hearing loss.
Please don’t shout at him to try to make him hear. That’s one of the worst things for me. It shows that people are annoyed with me for having a condition I can’t help and which makes my life miserable. It makes me feel punished for having the audacity to not hear them. And it distorts the lip patterns, making it it less likely I can understand them by lip reading.

I don't think it should always be on the person with the disability to make life easier for other people. My mum never wore her hearing aids either, so we as a family adapted instead. Subtitles always on. We muted the TV when talking to her. We made sure she could see our faces when chatting. We didn't whisper or mumble. We spoke loud and clear. We used to bang on the ceiling with a broomstick to get her attention instead of shouting up the stairs 😅 Being deaf or partially deaf is hard enough sometimes without your own family shouting at you in frustration because they can't be bothered to make sure you can hear them.

In saying that, your husband's reaction was out of order. It doesn't matter how upset, frustrated, isolated, annoyed or whatever he was, he was very wrong to verbal attack and threaten you like that. He needs to acknowledge that.

@FictionalCharacter in your experience, what are people supposed to do instead if not ‘shouting’?
What is working because I’m sure that repeating the same thing 3 or 5 times isn’t going to be helpful either for either person.

@BadNomad in your case though, your mum still made a big effort.
she didn’t expect the volume of Tv to go up but had subtitles on.
She made a point if lip reading etc…

Im nit getting the feeling that the OP’s DH is doing any of that.
And I’m very sure that neither my father nor my FIL have ever done any efforts like this either.

As I’m concerned, if one has a disability and is doing their best to mitigate the issue then I’ll go out if my way to make it easy for them too (esp the way you describe it for example. It’s not a huge thing).
But if I have someone who is expecting me to do all the leg work ‘because I’m disabled and therefore you should make all the effort’ . Nope sorry. It doesn’t work like this.

(Saying that as someone who is disabled btw)

This was covered up thread.

You touch them to get their attention.
Move to a close distance and make sure you/they are facing toward each other.
When talking to them look directly into their face (because lipreading) and talk clearly.
Where possible minimise background noise when talking (eg turn off/down a tv or move away from a boiling kettle)
Talk loudly and clearly, but don't shout (which is aggressive and completely different to calmly talking loudly)
Be patient and prepared to repeat, if necessary.

@MumbleAlwaysMumble Oh my mum didn't lip read really and the TV was always blasting lol. But we just had awareness, I guess, of how we needed to communicate with her if we wanted her to hear what we were saying.

I wouldn't have tried to talk to the OP's husband if he was standing beside a TV. If he didn't hear me say something the first time then I would have gone closer to him and said it again. He wasn't ignoring her. He wasn't wilfully not listening. He can't hear. She shouldn't have shouted at him in frustration.

@BadNomad My husband is very much how you sound towards your DM. He recognises my needs and makes appropriate adaptations to ensure I'm included in the able bodied world. The idea of being shouted at, or someone getting frustrated with me because I can't hear someone really upsets me. I cannot believe how disablist this thread is, and how many people think its OK to shout at or get frustrated with a deaf person simply because they cannot hear.
What next? Shouting at a person in a wheelchair, and getting frustrated with them because they cannot walk?

Obviously I need to give my disabled self a good talking to, because I'm not working hard enough to ensure I don't inconvenience the able bodied:(

What works much better is to make sure you are facing the hearing impaired person, and speak clearly and a little more slowly.
Obviously hearing impaired people can be as guilty as anyone else of inattention or deliberately ignoring someone. But if you can’t hear, you just can’t, and there’s nothing we can do about it. I know it can be annoying for people to have to repeat things. But that’s nothing compared to isolation and reduced quality of life that deafness causes.

Yes it's awful really that disabilities are seen as problems for the disabled to solve and that it up to the people with the disability to minimise the impact it has on everyone else. As if it was a choice to be this way.

I'm not deaf but I do have other disabilities that make me an "inconvenience" too.

To the world: I'm so sorry that the thing I had no choice over makes it difficult for you to engage with me without effort.

🙄

Why do you continue to say things in a way that takes 3 times to be heard? If you know you're not being heard then maybe try something else.

I do think everyone has a responsibility to do what they can to make life smooth for others, and I don’t apologise for it.

In my case, my DH jolly well could go for aids, like he’s been offered. Why is my need to not say things three times less important than his wish not to admit he needs hearing aids?