My husband upset me but was probably justified

[Rosebel]

He's pissing me off so much!
DH does have a slight hearing loss but asked me 3 times tonight where the hayfever medicine was. First 2 times he didn't hear me so I raised my voice the 3rd time.
He then nags me about putting it somewhere different. Well I had taken it out of the medicine cabinet because this morning he couldn't find it so I put it on the side so he could find it easily (but of course I was wrong to do that).
DH decides he's going to bed and asked if I was too. I said yes and asked him to turn the TV off, as he was stood right next to it. He didn't hear me so I admit I probably did shout at him asking him to turn off the TV.
He went fucking mental, threatened to throw his bottle at my head as I was really pissing him off and screamed in my face saying over and over not fucking nice is it?
I said to him I was sorry for shouting but it's annoying saying things multiple times
He huffed off to bed
I'm exhausted (been up since 4 with our toddler) and due I'm work early tomorrow but I don't want to go to bed because my husband really upset me. I got no apology for being screamed at or threatened.
I know I started it by shouting first but I'm so upset that he can react like that and 15 minutes later is snoring so loudly can hear him down here.
Am I just being stupid to feel so upset? He was probably justified in his reaction and I can't see it as I'm dead tired. Won't be able to sleep though and have to be up at 2 anyway.

Maybe it isn't the right one for him, I would suggest him going back to the audiologist.
Hope you are okay OP

At the moment we're not really speaking to each other. He asked me yesterday why I didn't go to bed the night before. I said I was upset and he'd scared me.
As I knew he would he said he was the only one who had the right to be upset. I have no appreciation of how difficult life is with a lack of hearing.
I agreed that I don't know how hard it is but I can see it would make life difficult. He basically told me that I'm selfish and don't care about how hard things are for him.
I didn't know what to say as I couldn't see how he'd reached that conclusion from what I'd said. I'm not sure what he was expecting me to say but when I didn't say anything he said see you know I'm right. That's why your sulking.
This is a frequent accusation, anytime I'm quiet I'm apparently sulking. So that's where we are.
He texted me at lunch and after a couple of messages asked if I'd had time to think about what he'd said. I said I had and I was sorry if I'd come across as selfish that wasn't what I meant to be. He didn't reply to that.
So I don't know what he thinks or how things will be tonight.
For people who were worried about my son we don't row in front of him or row a lot. Also neither of us have ever shouted at him

As a partly deaf person myself, I have to say you sound like a perfect person to live with! So many people aren't as understanding and willing to help us hear.

With regards to NHS hearing aids - I found them awful and also refused to wear mine, even though it was more isolating. They can amplify all noise, not just the voices that you want to hear, overwhelming you and giving you headaches. They don't sit well if you wear glasses, and get caught up in masks. They are not an instant cure for deafness, so please don't berate people for not wearing them.

Saying all that OP, your DH was still way wrong with his reaction - no one should put up with that behaviour. It is very hurtful when someone shouts if you haven't heard (usually in an exasperated way too), but him reacting with aggression is awful and definitely not something you should accept.

Why the fuck are you apologising?!

He doesn’t wear a hearing aid, so he’s actively making his life more difficult and in turn yours. Then he’s an aggressive twat, you react as your frightened and he uses that reaction as a stick to beat you with.

I would have a really long hard think about what want it’s really not normal.

Why have you apologised? Yes you lost your temper and shouted, but he lost his back and was much worse and threatened you with throwing something at you. And if your frustration is down to his hearing, and so is his, only he can do anything about that - why doesn't he wear his hearing aids? Although you have to take his hearing problems in to account, he has no right to call you selfish and yell in your face. I can't believe he hasn't apologised for that. Don't let him blame you for everything. You aren't responsible for his hearing problems. If he's frustated then he should talk to you, ask for support, talk to his doctor, not yell and threaten you.

Did he apologise for threatening you?

It wouldn't make it OK just to be clear. But I'm astounded you think he needed an apology but you didn't.

I don’t think you need to apologise, let alone as profusely as you seem to be doing. I say this as I am somewhat deaf and often don’t hear things, I know it can exasperate DH at times to have to repeat himself, or raise his voice but I have never aggressively shouted back at him for doing so!

Yes admittedly you raised your voice to him, to get him to hear you, you didn’t do it with the intention of being aggressive or to upset him. His retaliation of shouting aggressively back at you is certainly something he should be apologising to you for, because his reaction was nasty and disproportionate given the situation.

FWIW I do understand his frustration, it can be upsetting when despite not hearing DH the first time, I can tell by the way he raises his voice and the annoyance in his tone that it’s the second time he’s saying it and that he is pissed off at having to repeat himself. I sometimes have to remind him that I can’t help being deaf and it’s not like I am ignoring him on purpose. Even with this in mind I still can’t say that your H’s reaction of shouting at you is called for because it’s not, and to further punish you is completely unreasonable.

Apologise for what?

If he won't wear his aid and he can't hear you, what are you supposed to do?

I think you're married to a very unpleasant man.

And I think his frustration could make him escalate from threatening to doing.

When he's calm, ask him how he thinks things should work. And if it's to your detriment then you know who he really is.

What are your circumstances? Do you work? Own or rent?

I have some hearing issues myself and it is extremely frustrating and sometimes humiliating. So when the shouting and speaking to me like a child starts I do get a bit shirty.

So from what I’ve read here it would do you well to be a little more considerate of some one with a disability. Good luck OP.

My brother has severe hearing loss, if he is not wearing his hearing aid, we just tell him we won't speak with him until he has it in. Otherwise he can't hear us then we speak louder/shout, the he complains we are shouting. So it's rinse and repeat ' put your hearing aid in and we can talk'.

Do you threaten to throw bottles when you're frustrated? If not, maybe you could consider whether OP is actually a victim of domestic abuse. And whether he might at some point escalate and really hurt her. And whether you and the other people on here justifying his behaviour will have contributed to a woman being hurt.

IME men who want to threaten women find a justification. No need to agree with them.

And do you have a hearing aid that you refuse to wear knowing full well that that in turn that forces your Partner frustration in constantly having to repeat themselves a bit louder, and louder, until the point they are shouting in utter frustration?

I've watched someone deal with that side of it, and it's not great either.

I’m sorry but if his life is so hard because he can’t hear, then he should wear his hearing aids.

Just like I can’t see a thing Wo my glasses so I wear my glasses even if they re a pain in the arse sometimes.

He can’t be a pain towards people, expecting them to make up for the fact he doesn’t help himself and then wonder why people get annoyed.

I’ve seen both my FIL and my dad doing exactly what the OP’s DH is doing.

Both have hearing aids, both refuse to wear them.
So you end up in conversation with them where they don’t answer because they didn’t hear. You ask them something, they don’t answer. You say so,etching and they answer the wrong way. Also have to deal with the TV being on very loud ‘because can’t hear it other wise’. Never mind it’s too loud for everyone else in the room.

So you end up repeating yourself, once and the twice. You have to repeat louder. And you know what, you end up frustrated too,
and somehow it’s the fault of the person asking the question/answering? Nope. Sorry but no.

interesting that all these people are men too….

He has a hearing aid but doesn't wear it.

Then HE is the one being selfish! He is deliberately making life for you HARDER to the extent that you can't win.

WHY doesn't he wear the hearing aid?

I would be saying I refuse to communicate with him until he does the proper adult thing and wears his fucking hearing aid as THAT'S WHAT IT'S THERE FOR! You shouldn't have to shout because he is so fucking negligent, incompetent and lazy. I wouldn't apologise to him, he should apologise to you, and I would retract any apology and tell him from now on him wearing his hearing aid is not negotiable because all this conflict can so easily be solved, it's all his fault. NONE of this is your fault! NONE OF IT!

Yes I do and it’s uncomfortable, temperamental and the sound is not that good. It’s an NHS one and I can’t afford the better ones.

So sometimes I don’t wear it and appreciate those who understand why. Kindness and patience goes a long way an$ I try to practice that myself.

This post sums up the awful attitude we have to deal with - Short tempered, intolerant, self absorbed and unsympathetic. And I’m female BTW and am on the receiving end of this sort of abuse.

We all react to trauma differently. Some understanding can go a long way rather than just shouting and speaking slowly.

We all react to trauma differently.

So you genuinely think violence is justified. Wow.

Then you get it fixed/tuned, instead of using that as an excuse to inconvenience everyone else. If it's uncomfortable, you get another one molded/set and put in. There are many different types. Otherwise you are being selfish and unreasonable. My late father had two hearing aids, if they were mucking up he made an appointment with the auditory/hearing aid people in his town and got it re-tuned. He didn't just give up and use it as an excuse not to wear it, not caring that he was inconveniencing everyone else. You have to help yourself, too.

A hearing aid does not "fix" hearing in the same way that glasses "fix" sight. It is a perfectly reasonable thing for her DH to choose not to wear his hearing aid. They can be uncomfortable, disorientating, and in many cases do not significantly improve hearing or help with the ability to understand what someone is saying.

It is never OK for him to threaten violence. However, shouting at someone and berating them for their disability is not OK either.

OP needs to understand that her partner has a disability that he cannot "fix" and is not his choice, and she needs to make some reasonable adjustments (such as those mentioned up thread - touching his arm to get his attention, looking directly at his face when talking etc) because of that. However, as said previously, this does not excuse him threatening to throw something at her, and he should absolutely be apologising for that.

A hearing aid when correctly fitted and tuned, most certainly does fix hearing in the same way glasses fix sight, so it is NOT reasonable for her DH to choose not to wear his hearing aid and instead choose to inconvenience everyone else. It's just taking the piss. Other people shouldn't be inconvenienced because he is too lazy to wear something for which it was designed to do. There is never an excuse for not wearing your hearing aid (bar ear infection or something like that).

A hearing aid when fitted properly and tuned properly, is never uncomfortable and works.

The 'D'H needs to understand that his hearing difficulty doesn't mean he can be selfish and lazy and inconvenience everyone else. There is an easy fix for hearing loss, and it is his responsibility to wear hearing aids/glasses/ whatever he needs. It is not the OP's responsibility to have an increased workload and abuse because her husband is taking the piss.

You can't fix or tune something that is all you are able to get - it can't be improved beyond what it is/it's capabilities.That's like expecting a 1l kia to be able to win the Monaco grand prix if you keep taking it back to the garage. And you can't buy an expensive one if you can't afford it.

By the way, shouting at me causes a pain like a needle in my ear. If somebody causes me pain because I made them angry, because having a disability makes them angry - do I deserve to be deliberately hurt? Did I really make them hurt me?