My husband upset me but was probably justified

[Rosebel]

He's pissing me off so much!
DH does have a slight hearing loss but asked me 3 times tonight where the hayfever medicine was. First 2 times he didn't hear me so I raised my voice the 3rd time.
He then nags me about putting it somewhere different. Well I had taken it out of the medicine cabinet because this morning he couldn't find it so I put it on the side so he could find it easily (but of course I was wrong to do that).
DH decides he's going to bed and asked if I was too. I said yes and asked him to turn the TV off, as he was stood right next to it. He didn't hear me so I admit I probably did shout at him asking him to turn off the TV.
He went fucking mental, threatened to throw his bottle at my head as I was really pissing him off and screamed in my face saying over and over not fucking nice is it?
I said to him I was sorry for shouting but it's annoying saying things multiple times
He huffed off to bed
I'm exhausted (been up since 4 with our toddler) and due I'm work early tomorrow but I don't want to go to bed because my husband really upset me. I got no apology for being screamed at or threatened.
I know I started it by shouting first but I'm so upset that he can react like that and 15 minutes later is snoring so loudly can hear him down here.
Am I just being stupid to feel so upset? He was probably justified in his reaction and I can't see it as I'm dead tired. Won't be able to sleep though and have to be up at 2 anyway.

Umm, because has lost some of his hearing and won’t go for hearing aids. Why is it my responsibility to change the way I communicate?

If this is how he behaves I for one wouldn't want to get close to him because this is how it goes you call him he doesn't respond so you approach touch his arm gently he spins around in suprise "accidentally" hitting you or shouts at you for "making him jump" you spend a few years walking into cupboard doors and being clumsy

Um because your husband can't hear. Hearing aids aren't the only option. You are choosing to communicate ineffectively.

hearing aids definitely aren’t the solution if you have even got any! People with disabilities can still be arses you know.

It sounds like he’s using this as an excuse to have a go at you. If he didn’t need a hearing aid, it would be something else.

As can people without them.

So do you really think that I should change the way I communicate because my husband refuses to get hearing aids? What about personal responsibility? Why shouldn’t the person with the difficulty be expected to take steps to mediate their issues.

If he got them and they didn’t work, I’d think completely differently but deafness doesn’t negate responsibility does it?

He did not make himself deaf to annoy you. He did not make himself deaf to inconvenience other people. It is something that happened to him, against his will. You seem to have zero sympathy or compassion for that. This bad thing happened to him, and you don't want to help in any way. You're only thinking about you and how it inconveniences you. So, out of pettiness(?), resentment(?), nastiness(?) you choose to keep doing something you know doesn't work and blame him for it annoying you.

It is his responsibility to at least try to wear hearing aids. Not trying at all, not helping yourself, is just giving up and helps no one. This bad thing happened and he doesn't want to help himself in any way. Not wearing hearing aids won't get him far. He is only thinking about HIMSELF and not how his lack of action with regard to his health affects others. Only those of similar selfish mindset would justify it. Because it is so utterly unjustifiable. So HE chooses to keep doing something he knows doesn't work, and blames her for it. It is the laziness, pettiness, nastiness and complete irresponsibility of that person. Not the carer.

Ok. If you’re not interested in having a sensible discussion, I’ll bow out. I’ve not suggested he’s lost his hearing to spite me, but I do think it’s reasonable he does something to help himself. You clearly don’t.

@Alb0 Nope. That's not how it works. There is no obligation for people with disabilities to use aids of any sort. Wheelchairs, crutches, hearing aids, CI, white sticks, guide dogs, therapy etc are all supports available for people who wish to use them. How people manage their disabilities is up to them. How nasty to say to someone "unless you manage your disability a certain way I refuse to communicate with you". But that's fine. It's her marriage.

Meanwhile, other deaf people and those of us who care about them will continue to communicate fine without forcing them to use hearing aids. Because the hearing aid isn't the problem or the solution.

I don't. But that's ok. You carry on yelling at deaf people and blaming it on lack of hearing aids. I'll carry on talking nicely and not repeating myself 40 times a day.

Just for the record with the medicine he walked in to a different room to find it. He didn't come back in to ask where it was just shouted from the kitchen (not a nasty shout just so I'd hear him) to ask whee if was. So should I then get up and tell him or should he have come back in to the room to ask me?
With the TV I accept it was on me, I should have made sure he was listening before speaking
I don't think I'm abusive because I shouted at him, I don't shout very often and we don't argue a lot
When we argue he gets angry and I know that, shout have just kept my mouth shut and turned the TV off myself.

When we argue he gets angry and I know that, shout have just kept my mouth shut and turned the TV off myself.

His anger isn't your fault. Nor is his abuse of you.

Completely agree with this. His behaviour towards you was awful and threatening and then coercing you into apologising and admitting that he was right. Please try to find support in RL. He is abusive.

When I posted up the thread about the challenges and frustration faced by those with hearing loss (as such a person myself) I wasn’t expecting so many others to relate the same experience. I was expecting a negative response from the haters and those who view those living with a disability as a bit of a nuisance. While there have been plenty of those, It’s been moving to read this thread and all the support after a few hours away.

if I have one message for those dealing with people with disability, it’s to remember when you feel frustrated, they will be feeling that frustration ten fold. And they can’t walk away from it when they need a break.

I'm sorry but I cannot believe you are using a thread about a women being threatened with a bottle by someone who she is in an intimate relationship with as a support thread for yourself.

That truly is one of the most self-centred, unempathetic things I've ever read. If you have to me-rail, could you avoid doing it to women CURRENTLY suffering domestic abuse. Currently in danger. Start a thread if you want one. It's important to understand people and what we can do to support those with disabilities.

But not here. A women may be staying in this relationship because you've made her feel he's justified in threatening her. If she gets really hurt, and she may well, the victim-blaming on here may be part of that.

Nice try but the faux outrage & hate doesn’t cut it. I never advised her to stay in an abusive relationship, just to be more empathetic with the disability.

Plenty of others will knee jerk to LTB, and they did not disappoint, throwing in a liberal helping of disability shaming as they blundered on their way.

My response is a bit more nuanced as I have experience with the disability in question as well as the poor standard of NHS help we can expect.

Well as i said before I am disabled myself. So I get the need for a partner to adjust and make your life easier.

However, as I ALSO said, it is always in a background of the disabled person actually making an effort to help themselves rather than JUST expecting others to fit around them.

So in the OP’s case, yes she can turn towards her DH to speak. She can go and move the sound of TV down so he can hear etc…. But when HE is calling her from another room and is then somehow expecting to be able to hear the answer?!? Really?!? Was she supposed to then go downstairs to be able to answer because he won’t be able to or is that more a case of him going to see her to ask the question?
Thats what I mean when I say that people who have a disability should also make an effort and not ONLY rely on others to make the effort.

For myself, it means that in practice I dint ask people to fetch me things upstairs all the time. I’m planning my day so I hardly go upstairs and if I have to, I find a way to make it more manageable for me (In my case, I go upstairs on my hands and knees atm - mobility issues). There are obviously things I just cannot do, like bringing the washing back upstairs and then DH has to step in.
So in the OP’s case, I’d expect him to come and see her rather than shout from another room if he has a question. I expect him to be more aware of his environment and turn the TV down when they have a conversation. I expect him to look at her when they speak to each other. Maybe remind her to look at him etc…. (Just as I remind DH that I need to help for xxx).

and if that is hate against disabled people then I must be hating myself too…..

Also this thread isn’t about someone who doesn’t care and is making no effort.
The OP is very clear that she thinks she is somehow at fault . She has mentioned in several of her posts that in x case, she should have done xxx. So I’d say that she KNOWS very well that it’s hard and he needs some care and compassion regarding his hearing loss.

But she is also struggling with his answers and behaviours. HIS screaming at her, the threatening behaviour etc… that is all put down to the fact he has Oh such a hard life and cannot do anything about the fact he is frustrated.
And yes it is frustrating to have some limitations.

But just now the OP doesn’t need to be reminded to be kind and more understanding and how the NHS is not supporting people with hearing loss well.

She needs to be reminded that disability isn’t a get out jail card to be able to behave in inappropriate ways. She needs to be reminded that being hard of hearing doesn’t mean the person can act in abusive ways and threaten her. She needs to be reminded that it’s not ok for him to take out his frustration on her. And she needs to be reminded that him struggling with his hearing doesn’t mean he can play the martyr (and expect her to come and rescue him).
It is extremely easy to get sucked into that sort of pattern and end up accepting crap behaviour ‘because life is so hard and frustrating for him’. She doesn’t need more people to reinforce that sort if pattern.

This whole thread lost me at bottle and head. I don't care how much he can't hear you.

Well I was just reminding her that’s it’s also good to be more empathetic and from her descriptions I think that’s justified.

I was quietly confident that others would give her chapter and verse about none of this being her fault, and your lengthy post shows I was once again correct.

Just telling people what they want to hear is not kind or helpful. Honest feedback is a gift, even if it can be hard to hear.

Just telling people what they want to hear is not kind or helpful. Honest feedback is a gift, even if it can be hard to hear.

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That can work both ways.

And what someone sees as an honest feedback is likely to not be seen as such by someone else. (more like an attack, being ableist etc….)