My husband upset me but was probably justified

[Rosebel]

He's pissing me off so much!
DH does have a slight hearing loss but asked me 3 times tonight where the hayfever medicine was. First 2 times he didn't hear me so I raised my voice the 3rd time.
He then nags me about putting it somewhere different. Well I had taken it out of the medicine cabinet because this morning he couldn't find it so I put it on the side so he could find it easily (but of course I was wrong to do that).
DH decides he's going to bed and asked if I was too. I said yes and asked him to turn the TV off, as he was stood right next to it. He didn't hear me so I admit I probably did shout at him asking him to turn off the TV.
He went fucking mental, threatened to throw his bottle at my head as I was really pissing him off and screamed in my face saying over and over not fucking nice is it?
I said to him I was sorry for shouting but it's annoying saying things multiple times
He huffed off to bed
I'm exhausted (been up since 4 with our toddler) and due I'm work early tomorrow but I don't want to go to bed because my husband really upset me. I got no apology for being screamed at or threatened.
I know I started it by shouting first but I'm so upset that he can react like that and 15 minutes later is snoring so loudly can hear him down here.
Am I just being stupid to feel so upset? He was probably justified in his reaction and I can't see it as I'm dead tired. Won't be able to sleep though and have to be up at 2 anyway.

NO it does not. And I say that as a hearing aid wearer. I can only presume you are neither a hearing aid wearer nor an audiologist if you say that.

It is a common misconception, but exactly that, a misconconception.

It's more akin to thinking that having a prosthetic limb fixes your amputated leg. It doesn't. It can be helpful for some, but it is not a "fix".

I remember going with my father to his Audiologist appointments at our local hospital and having to sit there for half an hour while the Audiologist fiddled with the tuning via their laptop to tune his hearing aids. All hearing aids must be personally fitted and instead/tuned/set up. Sometimes they need re-tuning. Part of being a carer for him was taking him to these appointments.

I was only a carer for my blind and deaf father for 11 years..... In those times I took him to his Audiologist appointments at our local small village hospital and was there half an hour or more while his aids and their remote control was tuned and re-tuned by the 2 audiologists through their work laptop.

I know very well what goes into it. Very well.

There is never ever any excuse for threatening to bottle someone. Ever.

And if shouting causes physical pain, screaming in someone's face repeatedly like the OP's dick of a husband did seems a peculiar reaction.

OP - you are living in an abusive relationship. You are bringing your child up in an abusive household. Please call women's aid.

OP - you are living in an abusive relationship. You are bringing your child up in an abusive household. Please call women's aid.

Yes, this.

Ah so you knew someone (one person) who had hearing aids, have no medical training and no personal experience of wearing them, and therefore you know better than the many actual hearing aid wearers on this thread who disagree with you.

I wear glasses. I always wear my glasses. I'm not, and never would be too LAZY to wear adaptive equipment that helps me. However, I have professionally provided, fitted and routinely adjusted hearing aids. I often do not use them as they are uncomfortable, cause headaches, and most importantly do NOT help my ability to understand conversations in many situations. They can help me in certain situations (e.g a single voice in a quiet room) but in many other situations they just do not help. It was clearly explained to me by my audiologist that they were not a "fix", just an aid that I may or may not find useful and that I would need to work out what worked best for me. There are many different types of hearing loss, some are more helped by a hearing aid than others. But a hearing aid is never a complete "fix" in the way that glasses are, however well you take to them or however well they were fitted and tuned.

Someone not wearing their hearing aid is not doing so because they are LAZY. They are disabled, and are finding that their hearing aids are not appropriate (either due to lack of helping/pain/or something else) in that particular circumstance.

I mean, damn all those LAZY people who sit in wheelchairs rather than using prosthetic limbs...

Of course aids are not a 'fix', they don't restore hearing. But as any Audiologist will tell you (which is why I doubt you have any experience at all, whatsoever), when properly fitted and tuned, they should not be uncomfortable at all, and should work 99% of the time.

That is why Audiologists exist.

It seems you were under the misapprehension that you just 'buy' hearing aids as you would those magnifying reading glasses in chemists, and put them in. No. Hearing aids are molded, fitted and tuned, so they are completely compatible and comfortable. And when done so correctly are not uncomfortable. If they are uncomfortable, then they aren't correctly fitted or tuned/installed. It's that simple. And it's simple to rectify. It's why Audiologists exist. HTH. :)

No, my hearing aids we prescribed and fitted by the NHS. I go back for routine adjustments with the audiologist at my local hospital (I'm still in an area who has audiology in the Hospital rather than outsourced to private providers).

What do you want to see as proof? A copy of my battery book?

YOU very clearly have extremely limited knowledge of hearing aids/audiology, because, with respect, you are talking rubbish, and quoting general misconceptions as if they were facts.

Then they clearly aren't doing their job properly then, because you are talking absolute rubbish, and anyone with any experience with this knows it.

When PROPERLY fitted and tuned, hearing aids should be comfortable and functional, just as shoes or glasses.

Another partly deaf female here who has tried very hard with hearing aids and had operations etc and not made anything work. This thread makes for very very hard reading. Those of you casually throwing around insults, please please consider that many of us who are partly deaf work very hard to cope with it - where we sit, lip reading, concentrating hard on those speaking, sense checking, avoiding noisy places, explaining etc.

I'll not repeat the already posted excellent explanations about why hearing aids and shouting etc don't work. And what actually does work.

I know it is very very difficult for companions. If there was a solution, believe me I would use it like there's no tomorrow.

To return to the OP, I'm sorry this is happening. The aggressive response from your partner is completely unacceptable, even if it is derived from severe frustration. I hope you find a way forward that works for you and your child.

Then you need to see another Audiologist and get different type of hearing aids (there are many different types). If they are correctly fitted, there is absolutely no reason they should be uncomfortable and not work. If they are uncomfortable and/or not work, they aren't fitted properly or tuned properly.

It really is as simple as that, as our Audiologist has said herself.

FFS stop making yourself look like an idiot.

From the NHS website
"Hearing aids help improve hearing, but don't give you your hearing back. They're suitable for most people, but may be less effective for people with profound hearing impairment or certain conditions."

"If you experience problems using a hearing aid – such as distortion and repeated infections – that can't be corrected by an audiologist, you may benefit from different treatments"

nhsinform.scot/illnesses-and-conditions/ears-nose-and-throat/hearing-loss

Hearing aids are NOT a fix.
Not all hearing loss is the same.
They do not give the user perfect hearing when wearing them
They can cause distortion, discomfort and infections
Not all deaf people benefit from using hearing aids.
They are often prescribed to see if they can help, but they do not always do so.

It is not a matter of them needing to be retuned. They are not effective for many people with many different conditions, and come with a range of associated issues. Hearing loss is not "one size fits all" and cannot be "fixed" (although sometimes can be helped) by the use of hearing aids.

Some people with hearing loss do not use their aids because they are not useful to them in that particular situation, or they want to minimise repeated infections (which can damage the hearing still further).

It is up to the hearing aid user to decide whether or not it is appropriate for them to use their aids in any particular situation.

It really isn't that simple. I've seen so many audiologists and ENT consultants in the 47 years since diagnosis and they've not been able to fix it despite many many different attempts.

It's great you've had a positive experience. But please reflect on how disabilist your posts are. Most of us with disabilities work very very hard to overcome them.

Then you need to see another Audiologist and get different type of hearing aids (there are many different types). If they are correctly fitted, there is absolutely no reason they should be uncomfortable and not work. If they are uncomfortable and/or not work, they aren't fitted properly or tuned properly.

It really is as simple as that, as our Audiologist has said herself.

FFS @Alb0 can you stop Deafsplaining at people who are hearing impaired?
Several PP are, & have patiently outlined their lived experience, yet you are still droning on & on with your derail, because you met an audiologist (whoop whoop!) & reckon you know better.

This thread - although I hope it has shed a lot of light for those of us lucky enough to still have our hearing intact - is really fuck-all to do with deafness, or hearing aids. it is about an abusive husband who threatened his wife with a bottle. As that's a bit more pressing than your need to stay mounted on your ill-informed soapbox, can you give it a rest now please?

Apologies Rosebel.
I hope your thread soon returns to what it needs to be about - supporting YOU.

Ah, I see.

It's OK to deliberately hurt somebody with a hearing disability because they piss somebody off. It's their fault for having the disability, it's their fault their disability is so irritating, so they deserve to be hurt; they made the other person hurt them.

Got it.

If he was upset with you for snapping, he could have said 'I don't like the way you're talking to me, please treat me with more respect'.

Screaming in your face and threatening violence is unacceptable and he is trying to bully you into submission.

You are saying that deaf people should wear he thing that many actually deaf people have said doesn't necessarily help them. And deaf people should suck it up, wear a hearing aid that doesn't help them and potentially causes ear infections because it makes an able bodied person more happy for them to do so. And of course the non-qualified able-bodied person knows better than the deaf person what is best for them. Because the deaf person is disabled, so presumably also stupid and needs the able bodied person to tell them what to do.

Or you need to just accept that hearing aids do not help every person with hearing loss, and if the OP's DH who actually has the hearing loss has decided not to wear his hearing aid then that is completely his choice, and it does not justify anyone getting angry with him for not hearing or shouting at him for not hearing.

Please quit now. Your disablist views are abhorrent.

I am really worried by you apologising to him, twice. You told him he scared and upset you - well done. But then it sounds like he didn't apologise at all for shouting in your face repeatedly and threatening you, just went on with his he's the victim in this and you don't understand. He needs to know that shouting in your face in anger like that is never acceptable.

What sort of man doesn't care if his partner is scared by him, or thinks it's justified? He could be at a turning point here. Time to make out clear what you won't put up with. If he won't see the seriousness of what he did, won't guarantee never to do it again, I think you should leave. Otherwise your children will learn that angry men get their own way and women have to know their place and not "provoke" them into scary shouting in your face etc..
My father used to do aggressive displays temper. I somehow got the impression that he was manly and wonderful for holding himself back and only shouting /driving dangerously to threaten my mum/ etc, rather than using physical violence as, he often told us, "most" men would. I learned my place, which was to put up with whatever crap my ExH offered. Still trying to un-learn it. Please don't put up with this OP.

It's not about having a disability, it's about not helping yourself and wearing the thing that helps you with your disability, and therefore helps everyone else. If you don't take care of yourself, that is not the fault of others. You don't get to hurt others because you won't take care of yourself. Your choice not to wear a hearing aid is your choice, others shouldn't have to suffer for that.

@Alb0 ironically, you are wilfully refusing to listen to hearing-impaired PP who have categorically informed you that your opinion is twaddle no matter how many audiologists you have conversed with.

Why are you being so dismissive to PP who know more than you about this?
WTF is wrong with you that you are continuing to derail by doubling down on your erroneous statements?
It is so fucking disrespectful, not just to PP, but to OP herself, who didn't start her thread about domestic abuse in order to witness ignorant pontificating about hearing aids.

Bloody well said @DivorcedAndDelighted

OP I hope you are doing OK today.

I know it's hard to read, I know it's hard to accept that one's H is abusive - but it is so concerning that you have been pushed into the position of offering repeated apologies, while your H DARVO's the fuck out of the frightening scene THAT HE CAUSED.
www.banyantherapy.com/darvo/

FWIW, going back to the original point of the thread, I think OP was quite disrespectful in the way she dealt with her OP. Getting angry and shouting because a deaf person didn't hear you is not OK. Especially if you know they are hearing impaired. And it doesn't sound like she used reasonable adjustments, such as the ones listed up thread, in order to make it as easy as possible for him to hear her.

That said, his reaction was unacceptable because it's never, ever acceptable to threaten to throw something at someone because they have upset you. That needs to be addressed, and he needs to apologise.

As someone with a hearing impairment, I would leave my DH if he repeatedly treated me the way OP describes treating her DH in the opening post. Now there's no evidence that she does repeatedly treat him like that, it may have been a one off, and to her credit she did apologise. As a minimum, I expect my DH, the person I love and trust the most, to help me with my disability, and to have kindness and patience when my disability means that on occasion he has to repeat himself. We've worked together to come up with a system that works best for us (and no, that doesn't involve wearing my hearing aid in situations where I don't feel it would benefit me). Why would he, the person who loves me the most, set me up to fail by refusing to communicate in a way I can effectively understand?

Oh, I get it alright. People with hearing impairments are expected to fit into a perfectly hearing world at all times and if they don't (and can't, despite what is believed by too many), it's OK to hurt a disabled person for the crime of being irritatingly disabled.

Let's just try this with some other disabilities. What ones? OK, we'll try Psoriatic Arthritis. Some people are prescribed methotrexate but find the side effects intolerable - exhaustion, vomiting, vulnerability to infection, liver damage, death, cardiac issues, cancer, hearing loss and tinnitus. And if they want to have a child, they just can't take it because it's teratogenic. So women (and men) who wish to have a child will cease taking it. But that can mean experiencing a flare. A flare can be extremely disabling both physically and psychologically, as uncontrolled inflammation can cause changes in mood completely unrelated to depression or any mental health condition. Which must be quite annoying for a healthy person when s/he is unable to walk for miles or stand up, do some decorating, hold a cup without spilling some of the drink. They've stopped taking the medication that can be perfect for some, but isn't for others, so 'they're not helping themselves'.

It's OK to shout at them when their partner is pissed off that they're not bouncing around like the Duracell Bunny or hurt them by refusing to let them sit down because it's their own fault their joints hurt.

Cancer? They don't want to have a particular treatment because they've done it before and can't face it again. So it's OK to shout at and abuse them because it's their own fault they're in pain?

Hyperemesis gravidarium. It's their own fault they're feeling so awful because they just won't have it terminated. It's an absolutely 100% guaranteed cure for the condition. Tough luck, get on with that housework. You just won't help yourself.

Broken ankle, can't walk without crutches. But the crutches cause pain in the hands and the shoulders when using them all day. Get your lazy fat arse off that sofa and do the washing up, you'd be able to stand up in front of the cooker if you used the crutches for another hour when your shoulders and hands are more painful than the broken bone. Move it, you're not helping yourself - you're not getting food or drink brought to you because it's your own fault and you're really irritating when you ask if the other person could make dinner.

No wonder there are so many in the d/Deaf community that think 'fuck you all' when there are threads like this justifying abusing somebody for being deaf or hard of hearing.