Boyfriend made me shower before bed.

[SilentG1]

Not sure what to think of this one.
We spent the day out in the city and got in at 10pm or so. I was staying at his and when we got home he told me that I couldn't sleep in his bed unless I showered and washed my hair as he had clean sheets and we had been on the tube/ public transport etc and it was disgusting to go to bed without washing after being out in town all day.
I washed and styled my hair that morning only 12 hours before! I have long boob length hair that takes bloody ages to dry and style and once I've done this I don't usually go through the hassle of washing it again for another few days!
When I told him this he said I would therefore have to sleep in his spare room!
In the end he "let" me stay in his bed as long as I showered even if hair wasn't washed.
Is this controlling or reasonable if its his place, therefore being able to dictate?

Clean sheets or week old sheets, you would not be spending the night in any of my immediate / most of my extended family's bed after a day in London without showering.

Then again, we routine shower twice a day, winter and summer, so I agree with him.

Showering - fine - which you did, I would after a day out too. Insisting you wash your hair before bed and throwing a strop/threatening the spare room when you didn't, absolutely not ok and would be a massive red flag. That's not normal.

I have coloured curly hair and if I washed it every day it would be in a terrible state.

Not a cultural thing is it? Japanese people shower before bed.

I've only read to page 11 (!) so forgive me if someone has answered this. As a couple of PP have said, I'm really confused by the people who say they absolutely MUST shower after a day in the city / at the end of every day, but hair washing isn't necessary.

If you think your body is so dirty after a day out that you need to wash it, why not your hair? If anything hair is worse as it isn't covered in clothes that you can take off an wash, it moves around, touches head rests and other people. Do you remember before smoking was outlawed indoors? After a night at a pub, your clothes and hair STANK. Hair is worse than skin for retaining smells and for getting sweaty in hot weather IMO.

If you need a shower for hygiene reasons, you definitely need to wash your hair.

@layladomino I asked upthread. Nobody answered. It doesn't make sense to be washing yourself all over, and then put the part of you that's been exposed to everything the city has to offer on the pillow right next to his face, unwashed!

I do usually wash my hair if I've got hot and sweaty out and about, yes. I can just about tolerate not doing it if I'd just washed it the night before but it does feel gross. I put it up in a high bun on top of my head and don't lean back onto headrests, so that's not an issue.

Hot skin is damp so dirt, pollution etc sticks to it, plus there is your own perspiration to wash off. Hair which is clean and dry doesn't grab the dirt in the same way.

@DivorcedAndDelighted

Scalps are damp with perspiration more than most of the body, and exposed, unlike groins and (often) armpits. Scalps rub oil and sweat into pillowcases, far closer to OP's face than any other part of her body.

It's not just hair, it's the revolting human head itself.

I love these threads because it makes me so thankful that I'm not with an anally retentive, uptight asshole. I've been lucky enough to travel the world with DH. London us not 'sweltering' FFS. I've stayed in places 45° and 100 humidity where there were no showers . We washed by drawing buckets of water and throwing them over us. Still couldn't wait to jump into bed with DH ! Of course, we have showers here and the majority of people maintain a good level of hygiene but to insist on almost being fucking fumigated before you go to bed? Yeah, fuck off! The OPS boyfriend sounds mentally very unwell

It's not just hair, it's the revolting human head itself
What. The. Fuck? Time to see a doctor

@Watchkeys , I am in your fan club and always look out for your insights into relationships. I think you are wise and I'd like to have you as a friend. However on the "revolting human head" I will have to differ😆

I don’t know why but “revolting human head” really made me laugh!!

Next time, OP, just chop off your revolting human head and voila, problem solved.

What a petty, fussy and prissy individual he sounds. And lazy too if he would actually prefer not to share a bed than to have to change the pillow case again the next day. I'd get rid of him very quickly OP.

Lord save us from people who make showering three times a day their entire personality. There are so many of them on MN.

Swabbing their genitals with Milton sterilising fluid before indulging in some oh so very disappointing sex.

OP, he's a mimsy little fusspot and who will bore you to tears. Cut yourself loose!

I would never get into bed without showering! Even if I’ve been out and come home blind drunk, I manage to stumble around in the shower before bed. The hairwash thing is a little unreasonable but the shower is non-negotiable. No chance I’d have been climbing into bed after marinating in my own sweat and city grime.

It takes about two minutes to have a shower.

No one I know or have known had this level of cleanliness. Sex would come before clean hair & sheets.
Those of us who live in cities can't always shower everytime we've been on public transport

@Feetache thank you! I don’t know what world some people live in.

Agree. It's not like a 45-min chore.

Surely if someone wants to wash themselves at any time of day, following any type of activity, in any city, country, culture, be it one, twice or 3 times a day - that’s fine.

The issue is his reaction & insisting OP shower before bed & threatening to sleep elsewhere if she didn’t.

Is that how all those who think he was right to do so behave too with their OH’s?

Wow. In that case OP you’re fundamentally incompatible. Your hygiene goals are just not aligned.

Exactly. This thread isn't about the ideal showering frequency, it's about how he behaved when things didn't suit him.

Sounds like health anxiety or OCD about cleanliness maybe. I couldn’t live with a person like that, it could spread to more aspects if life, but it’s your choice.

No, you absolutely don't hope she gets help for her "anxiety", you're simply trying to imply she's weird because she's cleaner then you.

I wish people just stopped giving others psychiatric diagnosis just because they have different hygiene standards.
Anxiety and OCD are serious disorders which cause a lot of mental distress - it has nothing to do with simply having a shower every day before bed.

I would never ever go to bed without a shower and washing my hair after day in London and using public transport. I also believe private parts, armpits, feet and face need proper wash every evening anyway so it's just quicker to jump into shower. I also like my bedsheets clean and smelling nice as we don't change them as frequently as underwear or clothes. But that's me.

There is a spectrum of "normal" when it comes to personal hygiene. As long as people are not dirty and smelly when around others. People fall differently on the spectrum based on habits they grew up with, culture, personal preferences.

I do not really mind about other people's routines, like I said unless they smell etc. it's the matter of preferences but I do think when people live together as a couple, having completely different standards can cause problems.

Your hygiene standards are not right or wrong, they're just incompatible and it's up to you if you can both accept it or not.
If I was in someone's house I would definitely adjust to them if they had higher standard then me tho. Especially if they had clean sheets. Maybe he wasn't very nice about it and that's the real issue.

Sex with someone who has a cheesy, sweaty dick or serious case of disco minge?

Lovely

But what's wrong with asking someone to sleep elsewhere if they refuse to do what you do before bed?

It's boundary pushing to force someone else to be OK with you getting into their bed without a shower. Weird how so many people think HE was controlling, because I think SHE is controlling to refuse a pretty reasonable request.

I had the guy who came to do a gas safety check refuse to take his shoes off in my flat because he thought it was 'stupid' and I was furious. I emailed the company and complained. It's not on someone else to decide what's OK in your home. Loads of people are from cultures where the idea of outside shoes tramping over your carpets etc. is disgusting and you take your shoes off as soon as you get in as a matter of course.